cover your ears, shield your eyes...i am *pissed*

so i'm taking this medication that i've mentioned, celebrex, to help with this intense pain i've been experiencing for about, oh THREE months now. i've finally found something that helps that isn't eating my stomach lining away--plus i feel 50 times better than i do when taking ibuprofen (which is the med that is eating my stomach away). dr im gave me nearly a week's worth of samples to use, just to be sure this works for me before i fill the prescription (b/c there is not a generic out yet, so it's muy pricey).

today on our way out of town for the afternoon we dropped the prescription off. then returned home to get a message from the pharmacy explaining that the insurance has to have this dr approval. so i call the insurance company: closed. i call the pharmacist who explains very plainly to me the situation.

it's like this: the insurance company doesn't want to pay & also doesn't think i *need* this medication b/c i don't have a diagnosis for any type of arthritis. SO in order for me to get this medication paid for by the insurance dr im must call & make a case for me needing this medication.

are we getting this? our insurance system is so fucked up that they are making health choices for ME. they think they know better than my doctor?! or myself, the one taking & filling the prescription?! how in the hell is it okay for these companies to get away with this? simply b/c it hurts their bottom line, their goal of somehow making money off of people's health problems?!

the pharmacist asked if this helps & said that from what she's heard from patients that celebrex is an excellent pain medication, especially long term. she apologized several times & just more than several times, this just isn't right how insurance companies can make these decisions. i was like HELL NO IT'S NOT RIGHT.

i wish i had the superpower to transfer pain & illnesses so these whacked out, money hungry insurance folks can finally understand that people aren't just trying to suck them dry; people *need* these medications. it has helped me in so many ways.

what's funny is that dr im talked about avoiding stressors right now until he can find the root cause of the muscle pain b/c stress is a huge stumbling block when it comes to alleviating headaches/migraines, pain, etc. & then he is able to fit a medicine to my pain & then the insurance co gets involved & fucks it all up. nope, not under any stress now. so what, i just sit back & lovingly suck down 6-10 ibuprofens, nursing ginger ale & ginger tea & bread all the days until the insurance company makes up their mind (& then even then they may not approve it?!).

please don't tell me that the insurance & health care in this country don't need a fresh start. this is bullshit. insurance companies are making health decision for their *clients* b/c that's all we are to them, a client, dollar signs. if they don't make a profit off of me for the year, then they start forcing me to cut back on necessary medication? WHAT.THE.HELL.IS.GOING.ON.

$293.50 they are willing to fight over that when we (plus wes' employers) pay them how much a month? again, i think WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! when is capitalism okay when it fucks with people's health & quality of life? & for fuck's sake, the insurance company isn't even opened on the weekend! how they hell are we to get this settled any time soon. i am out of samples. i am so incredibly amazingly pissed. beyond pissed. like ready to drive out to flippin' idaho (where this insurance co is based) to sit down with the CEO (i would take this CEO to asiago's, at least) where i would then grill him or her about their medical history & by god--is it worth it to take that medication? what is your quality of life? how much do you make every year? what is your social security number & what are your existing conditions? have you ever had surgery? have you ever had such severe pain you couldn't move your neck? have you ever been so exhausted from *sleeping* that you couldn't get up in the morning? i'm sure i'd throw some fuck you's in there somewhere. this is absurd.

i'm sorry for the rant. now to get stuff ready for beggar's night.

3 months

last week marked month 3 since harold-removal surgery. i can't believe it's been 3 months! & i still feel like crap-ola!! that i can't believe as well. i didn't expect to *POOF* feel better, but this feeling worse for the past 6 weeks has really put a damper on my outlook.

here's a shot of the incision site. yes, my hair grows pretty darn fast, as every person who's ever cut my hair more than once has told me. you can barely even see it, eh?

here's a closer look at the bottom of the incision, which starts on my neck & goes up nearly my hand length.

so what's getting worse? well, my facial numbness is slowly creeping back to the same locations that were numb nearly right after the surgery. for example, my lips & tongue weren't numb any longer & over the past month the numbness has come back & then once it's back in that area, it continues to become more numb. yes, i'm freaking out about this b/c *holy hell* what if it's going to stay like this my entire life?! i don't mean to be all doom & gloom, but numb lips & tongue mean i can't taste food very well (most things have a metallic taste, especially water) & let's not even open the can of worms about kissing my husband...try kissing right after you've had dental work done--there that's about as wonderful as it is. plus the migraines & headaches. & dudes, the right side of my body (opposite the surgery side) is screaming this to me: SLEEP ON YOUR LEFT SIDE, I'M SQUISHED! my hips hurt from sleeping in the same position (when i sleep on my left side--wow--do i get a headache & general head & neck pain after that, even if i was sleeping or laying on the left side for 2 minutes). my energy level is at about *zero* & my pain level about 7 (for those who've gone through painful experiences, yes, ouch!) when i don't have some sort of anti-inflammatory in me.

i know, i'm happy to be alive & have harold out of my brain. i'll shout it: I'M ALIVE! I'M HAPPY TO BE ALIVE! I'M THANKFUL! I HAVE JOY! I HAVE A TUMOR FREE BRAIN! but according to my surgeon, these side effects are not normal, especially lasting this long. my continued pain level is not normal. the migraines are not normal. & here's the hilarious part--he doesn't think it's something he should deal with anymore! what? he's only done over 800 of these surgeries & he doesn't know what to do when a patient has side effects like this? so they recommend i go to a neurologist. & who they recommended isn't even at osu b/c osu neuro's are booked solid for 3 months (including the one who drilled into my skull). it just seems that i'm getting *the great brush off*. but this time they're not being stupid enough to say 'it's your hormones'. maybe b/c they know that side effects of this tumor & surgery are mood swings (seriously) & yea, telling me something stupid is just not a good idea right now. *smile*

so...i am thankful to have had this brain surgery with two world class, experienced surgeons (plus wonderful anesthesiologist, dr gupta! let's not forget him...he was so wonderful). but if it's one thing that the brain tumor has taught me: i'm the only one (well, & my family) who's truly concerned about my health. i'm the one who has to push for answers. b/c medical professions seem to care about the big procedure, the life threatening stuff. not the stuff that makes daily life difficult or miserable or is difficult to diagnose.

i just have to say this: our health care system may need reforming for financial reasons, but it also needs a reform in patient care. dr's need to stop getting into medicine to make money & be recognized. it needs to be b/c they want to see their patients become healthy on their watch. i went into social work b/c i wanted to help people. psychologists/psychiatrists do their thing b/c they want to help people & have much better follow up than all the medical dr's i have ever seen. the part missing in the whole debate about health care reform would be patients' rights & advocacy (well, except that whole deal with the elderly quality of care or something). it's hard for me to believe that i just had brain surgery 3 months ago & now am having some sort of complication or side effect & *no one* from the hospital that i just had this surgery at has the office time to see me. ABSURD comes to mind. FRUSTRATING. MADDENING. i'm not a big fan of political action committees, but folks, am i ever ready to start one (if i felt well enough to do this, lol--this is why patient & surgery recovery isn't on the menu! b/c we're all too busy feeling like shit to be able to do anything about it!).

***

okay, okay, i'm done. stay tuned tonight or tomorrow for beggar's night pictures (tonight!) & a visit with my grandma today. i just got a call from my uncle (whom my grandma lives with right now) that she put together one of her *famous* apple pies for our visit. i just have to put it in the oven. yum yum yum.

of parties & push overs

i know, it's been awhile since we've shared a great crazy millie hair picture. so here's one to chuckle over:

they may look all lovey-lovey...

but just 5 seconds after this picture was taken, adeline gently--but firmly--pushed amelia off the see-saw & then amelia cried so pitifully. i think you can sorta see the mischevious look in addy's face in the picture. like 'i'm gonna push you off baby, get ready!

this is addy showing off the standard dripping nose solution in our house (well, from my family). she was imitating me this day.

***
halloween prep started last night. i made some sugar cut outs & then adeline helped decorate. i can assure you that she did not sneeze on any cookies or icing. although she may have put the icing in her mouth, taken it back out, then iced the cookie with that icing...i'm pretty sure she ate that one, though.

this glittery icing tube got the best response out of her: ooohhh mama, woooow, oooohhh. apparently, she likes all things glittery that are to be eaten.

& today was the party at her preschool. & yes, she's sitting next to spiderman & a skeleton! & she's a pirate. we even taught her to say 'argh'

these are 5th graders who are known as addy's 'buddies'. the 5th grade class comes down every other week (i think) & does projects with the preschoolers. so these are addy's two buddies...who were so sweet! they were asking her questions & gave her some halloween cards & talked to me about how nice & quiet & cute she is...made my mama heart smile. the girl in the striped shirt was excited b/c she was also going as a pirate for beggar's night. (which may be why addy suddenly chose to be a pirate if the girl told her earlier last week?? hhmmm). this buddy thing is a pretty fantastic thing. addy was just *excited* to have their undivided attention & was talking away with them...& they were kind enough not to point out that they probably couldn't understand most of what she was saying.

i didn't tell addy to give a pirate face, but i think she's trying to look like she only has one eye here. *smile*

& here is addy's class (minus the 5th grader at the every end). i believe we have (left to right) mr. incredible, a ninja, skeleton-boy, star wars dude, spiderman hiding, robin hood, santa claus, pirate addy, then snow white.

it was so fun to see addy interacting on her turf. she knew all the cues for being quiet & picking up...she also became overwhelmed & cried for mama & i held her for a bit, then she was right back into the party.

as for health. we suck at preventing illnesses. now i have this weird stomach bug that makes it unable for me to sleep. then amelia was awake for a few hours last night. so ARGH. we are exhausted. my mom was here today to watch amelia so i could go to this party & i came home & seriously pooped out & then went to bed. i slept for about 2 1/2 hours! woah. tonight we dosed the girls up with benedryl, then adeline snuck into the bathroom & took amelia's dose in addition to her own, so...addy should be knocked out for the night! let's just hope the same is true for amelia. b/c gosh darn it, we need to sleep! wes even slept in amelia's room with her for part of the night & that didn't do much to help her. again, ARGH.

must go to bed...

almost forgot!

yesterday, at the pediatrician's office...we didn't get our usual dr, it was the dr i don't care for all too much. addy was fine at first with him when he walked in the room (after waiting 35 minutes!). then as he scooted over in his chair to do the exam-bam-addy was very upset & just plain pissed off. she then commenced kicking the mostly jerk of a dr in the legs! i was a bit shocked b/c this is the first time she's just gone out & even attempted to kick someone (except when she had terrible ear infections & dr mahoney was looking in her ears, but that was after she as already held down, not before). i must say, as shocked as i was, i think i had a bit of a smirk on my face. even kids can tell an ass of an adult when they meet one. (adeline might of been thinking "& *this* is for saying that my baby sister has a grumpy disposition! *kick kick*")...

hi ho, hi ho--off to the gym i go.

today marks my first trip back to the rec center/gym. i was a good patient (this time) & mentioned to the dudes at the fitness desk my recent surgery & loss of a balance nerve (you know, in case you see me tilting sideways off the elliptical, please come get me & don't place my head between my legs--whatever you do). so then i get up on the elliptical & the dude walks over & is like 'we want you to fill out this medical form, etc etc' ... i felt like a sick geriatric lady at that point. but! i worked out (if you want to call my pace 'working out') for 15 minutes. stretched for 10 minutes on both sides of the work out. i feel a bit more energized which is the point of going, eh?

plus, my trip to the new d.o. went really well...so far. he handed me 3 prescriptions, ordered half of my blood to be taken out & tested (not really half but it felt that way) & i am to call tomorrow to discuss the blood work results. his hunch of what is going on with me? the general diagnosis of surgery induced fibromyalgia & more specifically thyroid problems. he said he will know more after the blood work. now, i've had my blood tested prior to the surgery for thyroid issues (as they run in my family) & it always came back without concern. but i've never felt like *this* before.

so i'm on a medication for arthritis (celebrex, i'm sure you've seen the commercials) & it doesn't have the stomach side effects as ibuprofen, plus i take only 2 pills a day compared to the 6 w/ ibuprofen. i've been on them for almost a day now & feel a bit better, less soreness in general & the soreness that is still there is around my incision & that's expected to be sore for quite awhile.

sometime this month i see a neurologist to figure out why my facial numbness is getting worse, not better & to discuss the cause of my migraines (the d.o. gave me some samples of another migraine pill to take until then). i have to say so far, i am pleased & impressed with the d.o. (his name is dr. im)...& he made no mention of acupuncture. PHEW!

AND today (or tomorrow?) is month 3 after that darn surgery. i will attempt another incision picture tonight with wes.

***
so, the girls. amelia is walking more & more & is also getting her 6th tooth in this week. she is mostly over her vomiting spell--but not before she gave it to her gram-mum (again, sorry mom!). she's also playing upstairs *alone* for the 1st time...of course, in addy's room. b/c when addy's home, she has her door shut & locked (in case amelia is super baby & can first suddenly reach the door knob & then figure out how to open the door. so it's locked in case we do in fact, have a super baby on our hands). AND in my weekly kid updates from some silly website (babycenter.com ??) they sent the update, but the title was: my toddler this week. my *TODDLER* ???!!! when did my baby switch to toddler? last week? WHAT?!

then adeline. she has a sinus infection-probably. & is on antibiotics not b/c of the green snot (as her teacher was so worried about) but b/c of her 3 week old cough. i swear the receptionist at our ped's office knows our girls' birth dates better than i do (as do the pharmacists at our neighborhood cvs). well, adeline also is ready for preschool, backpack packed, shoes on the wrong feet nearly 20 minutes before it's time to leave. she has this look on her face 'come on mom, let's GOOOO already'. & then she jabbers on about preschool & cutting (using scissors, her new found love in life). & she's refusing to eat mostly anything these days that doesn't have the word 'cookie' in the name. even if ketchup is offered.

so yesterday she refused to eat her lunch & then i told her after sending her to her room for her poor behavior (screaming & writhing on the floor b/c i asked her to eat a hunk of potato--abuse!) well, i then told her that amelia ate one of her chicken nuggets. she went from the top of the stairs to her chair at the dining room table in approximately 3 seconds. i have now discovered the new tool to get her to eat: amelia will eat it if you don't! & she doesn't want that, no no no.

folks keep mentioning to me that age 3 is a bit worse than age 2...so far, i've found that age 3 is *louder* than age 2, especially with tantrums, but adeline seems a bit more able to get over her fits faster. we haven't had an hour long tantrum in awhile (now that i've written this, just imagine what's going to happen today, eh?). it may have something to do with her being able to talk more & get her point across that way. who knows. but, eh, not so bad yet.

& tonight's menu item is: spinach ravioli (trader joe's, yumminy) w/ meatballs & marinara sauce. wish us luck. (last night's dinner of spinach & bacon frittata--big disappointment! boo on you martha)

today.

finally, we have compost.

for some unknown blasted reason our compost bin has been mostly a pain in the arse. it smells something fierce & has all the bugs that might come with a decomposing body...no matter how much brown stuff we added, the green stuff always took over. but finally, after throwing away our green stuff for 6 weeks now & putting more & more & more brown stuff, well, finally we have *black* stuff. gardening gold! & wes is distributing it as i type. first, he put it on his beloved hops, which i understood b/c i stood at the porch & yelled out HEY PUT SOME ON THE ASPARAGUS ALSO! b/c they are my beloveds. plus wes raked our yard for the first time & this is the result from half of the back yard (notice the mound of leaves & straw in the back, in front of the fence. that's one of our veggie gardens). somehow we are going to mulch it up & to be laid over the garden for the winter, then tilled under in spring. ideas? i said lawn mower, but wes kinda looked at me funny so maybe lawn mower & straw don't go together well?

& this is what happens when you shop at costco for weekly groceries, as we did this week (we had to get other stuff there anyway). so now we have 5 pounds of carrots, 2 whole chickens, 4 bunches of celery & 20 pounds of potatoes. what the hell are we going to do with all this stuff? my answer: make soup like mad!
to the left is a chicken stock complete with a chicken (sans gizzards, yuck) that will be picked apart & the chicken frozen for later use & the stock canned by wesley alan. to the right is a sausage lentil soup, which is dinner tonight & lunch for me all week.

what else is in the works for us today? well, 10 days worth of laundry, mowing the yard (wes), sewing holes in addy's pants, hopefully making biscotti (teething 'biscuits' for amelia), & then writing down *all* my meds i've taken in the past year for my appointment tomorrow (that will take the longest, lol) & then wes got a little crazy & rented a movie from those red boxes (they're in grocery stores here). he rented pink panther 2 for $1. i really thought pink panther 1 was funny, so hopefully i will be sipping on hot chocolate, dipping biscotti tonight while watching pink panther 2. which means i need to get my butt in baking gear...

***
BUT has anyone watched 'modern family' on abc? well, i watched one of the shows online the other day, the friday from hell, & it cracked me up...tears running down my face sort of crack up. finally, a new show that isn't about a hospital or police/government. & it's funny.

sleeping it off...

So apparently whatever is ailing amelia is a bug that requires lots of sleep. Apparently she woke up about 6am or so today and here is here nap schedule..

9:30 - 10:30 - napping with pop-pop
12:00 - 1:00p - napping in the car on way home
2:30 - 6:00 - napping in crib

what a day!

NARF!

"pain always seems to be an unavoidable side effect of my plans, pinky." the brain.

i'm not a huge cartoon fan...*but* pinky & the brain are still funny to me, even today. remembering all the pinky & the brain shows we watched as kids (when we had a tv) explains so much of my siblings adult behavior. EGADS. NARF. GADZOOKS. *it's time to take over the world!* i had wes finally watch pinky & the brain this morning & this line just seemed to strike a chord with me *smile* b/c isn't that just my life right now (pain always being a side effect of my plans). my sister, brother, & i used to throw insults at each other like this: ha ha! you're pinky, ha ha! really hurts, i know. we were malicious. & it lead to so many deep conversations about which one was insane & which was a genius (b/c it could be argued both ways, i will have you know).

***
apparently amelia was up vomiting last night at my parent's place. today they are returning...hopefully sans illness? who knows. but wes is brewing today, possibly two batches. & he's so excited b/c a tea & spice shop just opened up recently in uptown westerville & he was able to buy vanilla beans for one of his beer recipes/brews. & they gave us some free tea, plus i bought some holiday spice tea. yum yum!

*plus* & even better...!!!...we stopped at schneider's bakery as well. hellllooo fresh cinnamon rolls. it's amazing how simple life is without kids. we were like 'let's take a walk uptown, get a few cinnamon rolls'--& here's the crazy part--we left about 10 minutes after making that decision! incredible. then we encountered a parade for otterbein college...sort of interesting seeing nearly drunk college kids behave so well & police officers drive right by, not caring. this is so not OU or OSU, gerbicks, this is--ahem, otterbein. under control.

***
so today i need to find she-pirate costume accessories. wish me luck. & btw, i am feeling better. i'm not skimping on otc pain meds so...i probably shouldn't eat most foods out there right now but i'm willing to take that risk over getting two killer migraines in one day. i am *praying* that this new D.O. on monday morning can help me in some way. i am also praying that he will immediately order me to have massage therapy daily. for a year. for free. (i can dream)

SPEAKING OF DREAMS! so last week at soaking prayer, one woman prayed that god would continue to give me prophetic dreams b/c that is something that has been a part of this healing are my dreams & visions of god healing me. anywhoo. this morning i woke up to the sound of a lawn mower (stupid neighbors who have a lawn service with 3 industrial size mowers, then a few leaf blowers--GAH--for a fairly small yard. what the hell?!) anyway, i woke up while i was dreaming that i was delivering/giving birth to a boy. we knew it was a boy & i was in labor & was very content--sort of like addy's birth-- & was with a midwife. it was all lovely to think about then i was like *i never want to have another biological child again!* & i'm now thinking that was last night's alcohol in the bread pudding sauce talking (??? i know, i'm sure there was none that would have any effect on me, but this dream is *not* prophetic & if it is...lord help wes who must live with me during those 9 months. b/c.i.never.want.to.be.prego.again.ever.never.again.). i told wes this as we were on our walk & he sorta walked a bit further away from me, as if just the thought that this could be in our future would make me inadvertently smack him upside the head.

i am a terrible patient

this morning i woke up at 5:42 a.m. with The Stiff Neck that shows all signs of turning into a migraine. so i laid there on my propped pillows wishing the migraine away...but it hit me hard. finally, around 6:45 i believe, i was able to fall back asleep. since none of you folks are my doctor(s) i will spare you all the details of these migraines. just know that it hurts (& i have a very high pain tolerance--so say dr's). after a migraine i am *wiped out*, beyond tired. think been awake for 24 hours tired. luckily, today marks only the 6th & 7th migraine of this caliber.

wes woke me up an hour or so later & mentioned that he needed to get to work for a meeting & he had a cup of coffee for me--good man, yes. usually once the migraine is over, the ibuprofen in my system for an hour, & a cup of coffee is down the hatch, usually i feel better. but after moving around for a bit, another migraine hit.

long story short, wes missed his meeting & drove the girls to my parent's house until tomorrow. i've had this headache for 8 hours now. i tried to go back to sleep but--& this is the near silly part--i miss my girls. i was looking forward to hanging out with them today, inside on the type of rainy day that i love. & now they are with their gram mum, my husband missed most of a day of work, & i'm in some intense pain. but i can't sleep!

harold has taken so much from me & i just want to feel normal again. to wake up feeling refreshed, not exhausted. to not worry that a headache or migraine will screw up my plans, to be able to hold my baby when she wakes up at night from teething. instead adeline knows to be very quiet when mama's 'owie' hurts, but will still cry for me, breaking my heart as i'm lying in bed trying not to listen to wes battling it out with the girls (did i say yet what a great man, husband, father he is? well, he's all that *plus* a bag of chips, you know).

the other day after recovering from another one of these lovely migraines (yes, that makes 3 this week...i'm so getting better, eh? as addy would say: no, not) i had this vision of doing normal things, with joy. i saw myself getting up before wes, before the girls & making breakfast (banana pancakes) & then getting addy ready for school & taking amelia grocery shopping, then home to watch her start walking around. i saw myself making dinner & teaching amelia to roll the ball around & practiced with adeline her speech cues. wes & i were both cleaning up the basement (what he's working on right now in the evening for 20 minutes, starting somewhere, as he says) & laughing about the girls & general things.

i don't know why i saw all of this. i do know it's making me very sad today b/c that vision is the furthest thing from reality right now but it's what i want. & when i am feeling good again, i want to be able to read something like this & remember how terrible things were or things can be. i never want to take for granted general, every day life anymore. i don't want to feel guilty that i live in america & have so much (b/c how can i be happy if i feel guilty constantly?). i want to be able to reach out to others who are going through what we as a family have. i'm tired of sitting around waiting for the surgeon's assistant to email me back about what to do (& then finally when they do email me back, give me an appointment with a neurologist in 4 weeks. that could mean 12 more of these migraines if this week is any indication of a pattern). & i am joyful doing every day things. i am thankful for the every day situations... you know, thank god my tumor was benign. thank god my surgery was a success. thank god for doctors who *hopefully* (LOL) will help me heal completely. thank god my mom was home today & that my husband's job is flexible enough to let him stay home when i can't do my own 'job'.

i have such mixed emotions over all of this...i feel i've been hit with immense joy the past few weeks. in fact, during soaking prayer at my church god told me, like i was sitting right beside him, that i will have joy, that i will experience joy like never before. which is saying a lot b/c i've been pretty happy in general (aside from teenage angst & anger about social injustice *smile*). but then again, these past 4 months have been highly shitty (very technical term, i know), with patches of shittyness for the past 4-5 years (tumor stuff, you know the passing out randomly, dr's not believing anything was serious, etc).

if you believe in the stages of grief, well, i think i am moving into anger. angry & joyful at the same time? hhmm, possible. i want my life back, i'm tired of staying mostly at home being sick & stuck to the bed in the morning. i want to fight *this* now. not that i have a cancer to fight or a disease per se, but i apparently have to do more to get healthy again. maybe the wrong surgical approach was chosen--maybe i should have had the belly fat put into the tumor site after the tumor was removed. maybe then my nerves wouldn't be moving around as they are (according to a 'fellow' of dr welling), causing the numbness to come & go & possibly (my theory) causing the migraines. who knows!

but this is a perfect day to be joyful & angry at the same time. it's raining all day. which is good for ohio, good for water levels, etc but wet feet are sure annoying. & it's kind of funny how our tress will suddenly drop nearly all their leaves on the same day...it just seems life is filled with so many good things like kids & babies & season changes & baking & books, why wouldn't i want to feel better?

okay, i think i can attempt a nap again now that this is put into words. & it's now time for another round of ibuprofen *sigh*

an affair will begin on monday

an affair with a new doctor, a d.o. which, from what i've read, means a holistic/homeopathic dr. or something like that. the thing with my current family doctor, well, she wasn't worried with the whole host of symptoms from a unknown-at-the-time brain tumor for 2 years & said it was most likely hormones. although, every time i went she did neurological exams (pushing, pulling, etc of limbs) but never ordered any further tests. after the tumor was discovered from a hunch of my EYE doctor, she then told me that her own dad has the *same* tumor, so you'd think medical degree plus family experience would give her better patient insight, but not so.

so surgery side effects (& the amazing surgeon is apparently done dealing with me, or at least that's what the passive aggressive lack of response to my emails is telling me) plus my stomach & IBS problems & muscle pain & recurrent yeast infections (sorry, dad...or anyone who didn't care to know that, lol)... it's just all something i'm ready to tackle b/c i'm ready to feel healthy again. i'm ready to accept any blood tests & possible daily medications/vitamins/etc that this DO will give to me (just *don't* get near me with acupuncture. i will totally freak out, you have no clue). yes, i have decided to move on, hoping a different type of doctor will be able to help me. so today all of my doctors (gyno, general dr, optical neurologist, & brain surgeon/ent) are receiving a fax asking them to send my records to this new doctor...should be a large file! the new doc will be like *what did i get myself into by accepting this lady as a patient?!* wish me luck. & if this doc works out for me, well, the whole clan is switching b/c they also do pediatrics. especially if the current ped says ever again that amelia's fussiness & lack of sleep at times is b/c of a cranky disposition *smile*

***

& this just in this morning: a kid in addy's preschool class has a confirmed case of h1n1 flu. i'm guessing it's the boy who lives near us, as well (i didn't follow his mom's van to or from school today or yesterday, so...just a guess, though). i haven't freaked out yet about this whole h1n1 stuff... until now. we have appointments in mid-november for regular flu vaccines, i was hoping to get them earlier, but we called too late. it was recommended (from my family dr) that i get the h1n1 vaccine, but i didn't follow through & it wasn't set aside for me. so......now enters the freak out stage. especially when addy's teacher pulled me aside & said 'watch her closely, she has had this cough for a few weeks now & will be more prone to get it'. so is that a nice way of saying 'your kid's going to get it & she's already sick a bit' OR 'she sits next to the sick kid & drank from his sippy cup two days ago'. or both.

we're calling around to find at least the regular flu vaccine & apparently no one has any available (not even kroger! well, they had 2 this morning & said they will be gone within an hour or something like that & they don't give them to children under 14 anyway). so what the hell is a parent to do? get my kids to gargle with salt water?! seriously.not.going.to.happen. i even called my sister who works at children's hospital & was like *can you help us in any way?!* & she did make some calls, but still, no vaccines available. i am envisioning lots of vomiting/diarrhea & little sleep coming our way over the next week. maybe even a trip to the er! yipppeee!

so i'm trying to enjoy the warm, wonderful weather today before any germs take effect. who knows, maybe we won't get it. maybe addy's super high fever 2 weeks ago was h1n1 & we may not get it again! (yea right, i know). at this point in the columbus area right now h1n1 is basically unavoidable...i was just hoping we would have the seasonal flu vaccine in us to help a bit.

wait, back to trying to enjoy the day!

break time

being a stay at home mom makes 'break time' or 'lunch time' seem glamorous. when i think about whether or not i'm happy & content being a SAHM i compare it to what i would be doing otherwise: going crazy in the morning to get everyone out the door (b/c that's just us), dropping kids off, then driving to work for most likely 20 minutes ALONE (driving alone in itself seems very alluring), working, LUNCH TIME, working, maybe a BREAK TIME, driving again for 20 (or 30) minutes ALONE, picking up kids, then driving for however long again, then getting dinner ready. seriously, it seems doable & enjoyable. then i get to the part about 'working'...& that's when the glamor fizzles. b/c i picked social work as a career & then i burnt out as a social worker after working just 3 1/2 years (counting unpaid internship? almost 4 1/2 years).

so remembering how stressed i was coming home from work & the knot in my stomach driving to work & the heaps of sorrow & madness i saw at work *every single day*...i just am not ready to dive back into that (lol, thus i let my license go un-renewed!). comparing the two possibilities (a job as a social worker--sans license-- or another job such as a personal assistant/receptionist), i choose SAHM-edness, a full day, without a break usually. (btw: i know i could find some paper-pushing social work job around here, but i doubt the salary would cover day care costs.)

**disclaimer: i am not opening the can of mama-wars here. just discussing thoughts. i truly really don't give a rats ass if you decide to work or not b/c i truly really don't think it affects how you are as a parent or how your kids end up at age 18. truly really.**

me staying home just seems to fit with us & for the most part, i love it. i know, i moan about certain things sometimes & at times call wes frantically saying: you have 35 1/2 minutes to get home before i may do something i regret (& then put the girls in the pac n play until he gets home while i'm playing mindless computer games in my zone with thoughts such as 'these crazies aren't my kids! some one just dropped them off at my door, who knows *why* they act this way b/c they're not mine'. but they are mine & i love them with my whole being, even on those rotten days). anyway, my point in bringing all this up is the lack of a break time during the day.

i was hoping that when adeline went to preschool, amelia would find some time to amuse herself with toys & such so i could shower or read an article or a book chapter or bake a bit...but that hasn't panned out. she's bored! she wants her sister. she wants me to carry her around (which hurts me, so i don't do it unless very necessary, so i just get to listen to a whiny 13 month old). but there have been great moments as well; her & i on the floor throwing addy's number cards in the air & reading animal books & making sounds & seeing her trying to walk, etc etc etc. yes, my dear amelia, there are wonderful times.

then there are the days when i just need a break. most days my lunch consists of half of what i prepared for myself. then i set out an apple for myself & some little girl who's name starts with an A steals it & i have totally forgotten it was mine to begin with anyway. i'm thinking back to the times when adeline was amelia's age...what did i do to occupy her so i could take a shower? write an email? do some dinner prep? clean for 20 minutes? do some laundry? (whisky tango foxtrot! {thank you scotty} i was almost prego with amelia when adeline was amelia's age! WHISKY TANGO FOXTROT! {& that carol, is the army was of saying WTF. get it? it took me forever to get it! but, in my humble opinion, a great substitution with kids around who repeat words).

so back to the amelia & independent play situation...the two girls are very different, we can see that plainly already & i think adeline was just much more independent at this age. amelia is the one who is very interested in what i'm doing, not what her toys have to offer. she's all *teach me! help me learn! i want a hug! show me things!*

so right now wes is taking the girls for a walk which will end with adeline coughing for 30 minutes afterwards...but i need a break before the monday (now insert a very scary, thriller-movie noise) starts. b/c mondays really suck, sahm or not, right?! ah, break time, lunch time... sounds purely marvelous. (& unrealistic, as my last social work job i did NOT get either. what's that about the grass is greener on the other side? i really don't think it is. i remember that grass well.)

***

anyway, adeline is on her 3rd apple of the day. as in, she has eaten THREE apples just today, plus her other 5 snacks & 2 meals so far. it's like she has this seasonal fruit beacon on her tongue & will choose to eat in season if given the option. she will now choose an apple over a strawberry but back when the strawberries were just a backyard away, she would choose a strawberry over *anything* in the world. this girl would be a favorite of barbara kingsolver if they knew each other, of course.

& then amelia, well, she's back to sleeping well for the most part (as good as a 13 month old can sleep) & being her happy-destroyer droid self. we have missed this side of her for the past few weeks. her new trick is to turn herself around in her highchair *even when buckled in* stand up, then sit on the tray & eat her food in that position. now that's a girl who dances to her own drum. we love it; dance away!

***

& to end it: i've made pumpkin soup for the 1st time today. & it tastes great...almost as good as butternut squash soup. now i'm off to make some croutons.

a few things, again

oh baby, it's cold outside. isn't she adorable in her new hat?!

we buy our kids used coats but new hats b/c hats can make or break an outfit, right? right. & they have to be lined...i wish they made a hat this warm & soft for adults. even with the hearts on it, i would wear it. darn it.
***
light pollution

so you've read about our woes with the whole new light pole situation. well, the new one is installed & working. so does the one across the street & down a bit. & then the other 2 dozen or so. BUT WHY ARE THE OLD ONES STILL ON? not only is this light pollution but it's also a waste of electricity. don't worry, i've already written the president of our subdivision & if they're both still on next week, i plan to also call the westerville electrical division to post a complaint (the subdivision president said i made good points & he would look into this situation. but if the lights aren't off soon...it will hit the fan).

i've talked to a few other annehurst resident (our subdivision) who find the *new* light poles to be a bit odd & one lady specifically was like 'it's day light in at night!' & it's true. with both lights on it sort of looks like dusk. our blinds can't even keep all the light out! it lights up our *backyard* partially. ridiculous.

in idaho we went to this star gazing event in the middle of nowhere, the place with sand dunes...what is that called?! but anyway, they had these pictures of light pollution from space. it was amazing & sad. that place in idaho, well, it didn't really have any lights on at night & the stars were breath taking. when i really allow myself to divulge in thinking about things like this, i literally feel sick. not b/c we can't see stars (except the few bright ones) from our back yard but b/c columbus isn't even the worst off city--nor was the united states. i understand the reason for lighting at night--safety--but...what are we doing to the earth as the need for light snowballs to more use of electricity & global warming (yes, i believe them).

there are things that get my feathers ruffled & i'm finding that talking politics isn't the main "ruffler" anymore (not b/c i feel more middle of the spectrum but b/c i will just tune you out, lol) but i think the desire to keep the earth enjoyable & for the human race to make less of an impact...well, that's my main ruffler. call me a hippy or whatever you will, but what we do with our waste & electricity & pollution has effects/ it's naive to think we don't have an impact.

i was telling some ladies last weekend how easy it was to feel jesus in idaho b/c every time i went outdoors, i could see the mountains looming & for an ohioan, that was *impressive*...in ohio, there's just not that WHAM of a natural beauty around us. but in autumn ohio is beautiful with the array of color next to the gray or sometimes blue sky. so this is the time in ohio when god is in the leaves & i get all sappy & think about the seasons of life & weather. & then i miss idaho even more... & to think, i was so concerned that wes would send me packing back to ohio without him (that was a near possibility) & here i am the one admitting that i wish we could still live there (but how to get all of our family & ohio friends there as well? we just can't have it all, eh?).
***
anyway.
adeline has been snuggly with me the past week. i like it, really i do. especially when amelia holds her arms out to her daddy when i'm holding her. *smile*

amelia post oreo. what is this, animal? vegetable? miracle? (miracle)

wes loves this picture b/c the sippy cup is about 1/3 the height of amelia herself. & she has on that orange ribbon that kept her occupied for nearly an hour the other day. she is does *not* have a cranky disposition, this one.

adeline dancing to the curious george opening song. it's a ritual in our house. we dance & adeline jumps & it's great fun. then i have approximately 30 minutes of time to GO GO GO, usually carrying amelia around, but still...GO GO GO.

i don't even know what we're doing this weekend; isn't that marvelous?!

my husband wants to be the man with the yellow hat

which doesn't seem like such a bad idea. the man with the yellow hat gets to do very exciting things, like ride in a submarine, go into space via a nasa rocket, etc. wes is always like 'cool, why don't i get to do that?' b/c it's a cartoon wes!

& wes *even* offered up himself to dress up like the man with the yellow hat for halloween if addy decided to be curious george...which she did want to be until i finally found a monkey costume (old navy, $22, btw) & tried it on her. i reviewed what i had reviewed with her for a week now: do you want to be a pirate? do you want to be a doggie? (those are costumes that a friend lent us so far) & she keeps saying 'ah ah' which in addy speak means curious george. so i load everyone up after naps yesterday to take a peek at old navy stuff & voila there it was! in the dressing room--which is very stressful with a 3 year old & a 13 month old who eats everything off floors--adeline suddenly said 'no ah ah; perrraa-at' which translated again means, i don't want to be curious george anymore, i want to be a pirate. ???

fine, whatever. but that also means you don't get those tights either b/c i don't feel like waiting in line for 20 minutes to buy a pair of tights. ha HA! b/c doesn't every visit to old navy end in a forever long line at the registers?!

***

so what else is going on with the gerbicks?

well, adeline has decided she likes to play & share with baby, but only sometimes. she has certain cars amelia can play with & makes amelia a pile of legos that amelia is rationed. when amelia looks desperate for something to do, adeline will sometimes jump in & grab something very non-exciting, like a ribbon that was tied around new kitchen towels (thanks, sue!) & that will keep amelia busy for nearly 20 minutes (how does adeline know these things?!).

& i have secret plans to stalk the gap at the polaris mall for *my jeans* which are the boyfriend jeans, in the correct size, the style without the ripped holes & such (i can rip my own jeans, if necessary. besides, holes let cold air in! it was would be fantastic if they would line these jeans with a thin layer of flannel or micro fleece, actually...). to make my winter shopping complete, i have to find a sweater that is very warm, a fleece shirt, & a pair of jeans (i am substituting the jeans for sweatpants...another favorite of mine. but i seem to get bleach on every single pair i own, so what's the point of buying a new pair? none of them fit me any more either, but who cares? they're sweatpants; they're supposed to be a bit baggy. more comfy.). so i have given up not shopping this season--those jeans i just wayyyy toooo enticing. plus all the sales. i would rather not get starbucks or eat out--which we have been *very* good about the past 6 weeks. (go budget, go). but these stalking shopping expeditions must be when kids are happy...when is that?

i was reading up on our life last year & *my goodness* it felt like it was just yesterday i was reading about. which rekindles my desire to keep writing about the mundane things that go on in our lives...so in a year or two or ten i can remember them.

yea, a post about not much...but i'm waiting for my ibuprofen to kick in with bio freeze & a heating pad on my neck & there's not much else i can do right now, so...picking up a child is *out of the question* but i must go sit on the floor now, lest amelia call children services to say her mama is ignoring her.

just in - double ear infection

Just got back from the Dr... first ear looked 'not so bad' according to Dr. Dairo. Looks into second ear...'oh that's bad'. Just another day in the sick-house of horrors....

the amelia affect

i'm just waking up this morning. it was a loooonnnnnggg night with our 2nd daughter. she started to cry at 10 p.m. but wes beat me into her room (she went from sleeping to screaming--something had to be amiss). wes got her back to sleep & i was joking about how he *loves* snuggling with amelia & jumps every chance he can to steal some snuggles. we were cut off by yet another amelia jolt of screaming. i told him i would get this one, he can take a shower.

after about 30 minutes of amelia crying, then screaming, then flailing around on me wes took over. she immediately stopped crying. she was silent & snuggled into her daddy's grip. i was *devastated* & thoughts began racing that i shouldn't have had the surgery, that it put a large chasm between amelia & i & how could she not want her mama instead of her daddy?! & then after a few minutes she began to cry & fight wes as well. (i think i had a very terrible smile on my face as i took back all those miserable amelia-hates-mama-thoughts). but the truth is wes is much stronger than me now more than ever before & i just simply can not struggle with amelia most of the day, let alone at night. so wes said he would get her to sleep.

an hour later, she is finally not crying & i hear the nursery door shut. wes goes to brush his teeth & just as he's getting into bed--amelia wakes up screaming again & out the door he goes again. finally she was asleep again & he put her into the crib, ran into bed & sure enough, amelia woke up again. we decided to let her cry, see if she was just over tired & over stimulated & needed to do this by herself. i was exhausted as was wes--the baby fighter & soother--but she was crying the miserable cry that sounds as if every terrible country song had just happened to her. & suddenly, i hear snoring. WES COULD SLEEP DURING THIS?! so i nudge him & tell him to roll over, he's snoring & how the hell can he sleep through this? & he's all 'i don't think i was asleep' & i said 'dude you were snoring'...then he quickly falls back asleep. i lay there listening to her cry off & on until around 1 a.m. at which time wes woke up to try again to soothe her. this time, he slept in her room. she sleeps when being held; this situation has happened maybe half a dozen times with amelia. half the time, she has an ear infection. the other half--nothing wrong, per the doc. one jerk-off doc/pediatrician who runs the office but who we choose not to see (dr sotos) once joked that it was amelia's cranky disposition when he couldn't see any physical evidence of illness. when he looked up & saw the look in my face that screamed I WILL KILL YOU if you say that to me ever again, he quickly changed the subject to something totally random.

our guess is an ear infection. but amelia has on occasion but inconsolable with a mild fever (99.5) while on ibuprofen & sleeping on someone is the only way to get her to sleep at night (thank the golden heavens that for r.c.willy's rocking chair that makes it palatable to sleep in the nursery with a 23 pound baby on you). we don't know what's going on; i don't think she's seriously ill but i do think *something* is amiss b/c for freak's sake, it's not like her to be so grumpy. she does not have a cranky disposition (she was later diagnosed with reflux, thank you dr mahoney & most likely has GERD) .

the one person who shines during moments like these is my husband. he steps up like no other person, a mama or a papa. prior to my surgery he would lovingly take turns with amelia throughout the night. post surgery, he & my mom took turns. after my mom left, he usually dukes it out with amelia...i have tried to do this but pay for it times a million the next day in muscle soreness & headaches (which leads to heavy ibuprofen use which leads to terrible stomach pains). so last night he was like 'i'm going to take care of this, you sleep' . i checked on them a few times throughout the early morning & sure enough, there they both were sleeping in the chair, sprawled out with amelia's tiny arms hugging her daddy.

then his amazingness was sent to the moon this morning as he said i probably got less sleep than he did (since i was watching & listening to him sleep more than a few times i agreed) & let me sleep in a few hours & since he was also awake most of the night...he took adeline to school (which he's been dying to do) & now just took amelia to her doc appointment--across town b/c our own ped is sick today. i guess he's taking a half day off per we didn't get much sleep last night & amelia is sick & i am struggling with some surgery side effects recently (hello migraines & muscle pain, i thought our time together was over? well, it's not? well, shit on you).

so what i'm trying to say here is that amelia's affect or disposition is chipper & happy & mischievous, not cranky & clingy--that's when she's sick. & my husband is the best. i love them both...but if dr sotos today says that it's just her disposition & we should let her cry it out...well, please send me your pediatrician referrals. wes & i are pretty hard core when it comes to the whole cry it out thing; with adeline there was no choice, it fit her well & she is a champion sleeper since about age 12 months...but for amelia, what, should we let her cry the *entire* night instead of just 2 1/2 hours? it just doesn't seem like the right answer.

now to finish my coffee before i pick adeline up from school.

happy birthday to...

adeline & my grandpa fishing, august 2008

playing with the twins while taking a wii break

...my grandpa bill.
some of you may know of him, as the part (although no longer--retirement!) owner of the infamous (if you are from northern ashland county) gerwig's white barn grocery/market. some of you may look back into your memories & remember a near white haired farmer plowing fields off of state route 58...well, that's him. that's often what i remember when i think of him, getting off a tractor, showing my siblings & i around the freezing cooler that held oodles of potatoes.

& folks, he knows how to grow *PURPLE* potatoes & then how to grow very large large large normal colored potatoes. & how to get rid of pesky ground hogs & exterminate any type of weed there is to kill. he is also an amazing fisherman, bringing home enough fish in one week of canada fishing to feed nearly, at times, 100 people at the annual fish fries. he is a hardworking man & i am happy that he & my grandma take their winters off now in florida--they need a break after farming for as long as i can remember (plus some *wink*).

he is a gentle man with rough hands & i do believe it is he who passed down the blond hair & blue eyes that make me look like an outcast in my immediate family. grandpa bill also has so much understanding of growing produce that many in my generation are clamoring to discover & i hope he continues to share his insight & love for this with his grand kids.

& let me tell you how ecstatic wes was to discover my grandpa's raspberry bushes (that he is willing to give us a cut of!) & wes is also totally stoked about the fish fries. at any rate, i love my grandpa for what he is, plain & simple. i have much to learn from him still.

birthday post

happy birthday, my brother! i know...a day late.

holding amelia for the first time august 27th, 2008

this one is for my brother, scott, scotty, spike...whatever it is you have known his name to be over the past 27 (!!) years. somehow he put up with two older sisters who loved to torture him by putting him in doll strollers & in baby clothes while he was little & then held him down to practice tickle torture when a bit older. there came a time when scotty & i were best buds (when kristi left me for a neighborhood friend--scoff--) & i remember finding newborn puppies in the dog house together (my mom thought they were dead rats at first?!) & also playing in our dress up clothes 'house on the prairie' (a favorite tv show & book series of mine. i was of course, laura ingles wilder & he would be any sort of bad guy, specifically indians, which i now know to call native americans, *smile*).

anyway, that was long ago, several decades & much has changed since then. scotty learned how to skip school by hiding himself in the ditch by the bus stop & loved the three-legged beagle (guy dog) my mom brought home from the vet clinic (that we ended up keeping FOREVER & even had to put him on doggy prozac while scotty was deployed & sadly, that is also when he passed away) while everyone else in the family was like 'ewww, that dog smells & howls'.

through these past few decades my brother has grown into a man of honor; i would like to say that's b/c he has me for a sister! *smile* but i think it is rather a combination of life lessons, crazy adventures, & a soft, god-given heart. maybe he doesn't know this, but i admire him greatly; the hard choices he's made in his life are ones that most people would avoid.

another thing you may not know about my brother? he has quite a story to tell, btw. so he enlisted in the army, i believe it was 2000, when he was *still in high school* & went to boot camp before his senior year at which time *BOTH* of his feet were broken, still he went on the grueling 15 mile (i think that's the length) hike in full gear...then offered to carry the pack of a fellow soldier who was not able to finish with her pack--with broken feet (do you know how *heavy* those packs are?!). around that time, his lungs collapsed & he made sharp shooter. eventually scotty worked into the special forces-psychological operations--& during his first year in college was sent to iraq for 18 months, i believe. he was in fallujah & he was in iraq when sadam hussain was captured...& also had to miss my wedding b/c a commander (?) decided to change his home leave dates at the last minute (jerk). what i'm getting at here is he has lived through what most of us could not imagine. & then he got married a few years later...then twin girls came another few years later! talk about living through a second war *wink*.
***
i had a dream yesterday morning, on his official birthday (oct 11). it was at my house, in the back yard. my entire family was all there complete with the 4 little girls, who were playing outside with myself, wes, scotty, & cal. my mom, sister, leila, & dad were inside my house, just sitting there talking & joking around. a normal family hang out time. suddenly i look out to the right of the back yard & there was a HUGE grizzly bear, standing on the hind legs roaring at my brother. i yelled for scotty to run but instead he attacked the bear by hitting it in the nose & tearing for its eyes. the bear engulfed him in its huge arms & tried to bite his head & neck but somehow my brother kept ducking & swinging at the bear. did i mention there was a bear cub that the 4 little girls were playing with?

during this time of my brother fighting the bear, i was frantically trying to call 911 but kept hitting the wrong numbers calling random people. my dad was trying to distract the bear by throwing rocks at it & my mom & sister were huddling the girls in the house while cal & wes were trying also to distract the bear by beating on its back. so i finally call 911 & tell them there's a bear in my backyard attacking my brother & they didn't believe me...then i saw a male lion run by into my back yard (yea, craaa--zzzy westerville, lol) & the lion charged at my brother who was suddenly up in the tree with the bear on our swing set trying swinging at my brother with its arms. the lion climbed up the tree & scotty & the lion began to climb around, fighting, tree limbs breaking & him falling & then attacking again. by this time scotty was totally bloody & gashes everywhere...& no one knew what else to do.

all i kept thinking was that if i had taken his advice & bought a gun we could have killed the wild animals by now. we were all just like 'what do we do now?!' suddenly, two small kids ran up to us & asked if their lion & bear where here & we were like 'what?! are you stupid?!' & then the police in full gear game & killed the animals. my brother was in the tree, totally mangled but still alive & he had this look of accomplishment & whispered to everyone 'i wrestled a bear & lion & won'.

i don't know what the whole point or meaning is. maybe it's just a weird dream! maybe it means that while the rest of us are some sort of by-standers & try to go about life in a different way, scotty takes on the most fearful creatures, with his bare hands nonetheless. or that he has such large predators preying on him & we don't even know how to help... at any rate, he is a protector by nature & also a fighter...god help the boys who attempt to date his daughters *my goodness* remember he's a sharp shooter/sniper?! but every family should be blessed with someone like my brother, who will risk everything to do the right thing, who is loyal & loving but will taunt you (okay, me) endlessly about political things just to pick a good-humored fight. someone who can smoke pork better than restaurants & build furniture from planks of wood. who knows how to love on & take care of two-two year old girls & also how to kill a person with just your hands 11 (or was it 21?) different ways...how to find the right woman to marry & also bring home beautiful vases & rugs from iraq for his sisters & mom.

as i mentioned earlier, i admire my brother for all of the above things...& just b/c he's my brother who found newborn puppies in the dog house with me. i love you, scotty!

at fireworks on july 4th, 2008 (w/ either chloe or zoe)

p.s. i remember you mentioning that when in contact with a grizzly that one is to act dead, curled in a ball? hmm...

in case you didn't catch on to this: if there is a disaster of any type, you will find wes & i & the girls racing towards cinnamon lake towards scotty so we will have a plan of survival. get scotty & wes together & we *could* live through that disaster (plus cal would keep everyone sane?). anyway, that's just an end thought.

accomplished

some of you may know, other may not: i just had a (nearly) TWO DAY VACATION at home! meaning, just *me*. well, & griswold but he's so low maintenance at this point (except the dog hair on the floor & couch situation). wes took the girls to spend the weekend at his parents' house in avon lake. it was homecoming weekend, so you know, all the stops are pulled in that town: parades, etc. from what i've heard from wes, they've had a blast & have mostly managed to wreck the grandparents' home sufficiently. my time alone will come to an end today, but that will be after i do some grocery shopping, clean the upstairs, & take a walk (with dog or without? would he forgive me if i went without him when it's just the two of us?) & finish the laundry.

at first, i didn't know what to do that would take up an entire weekend. after kids arrived our life revolved around them & their schedule & needs...so when they're gone & even my husband is gone, well, what to do with myself?! at first i tried to just watch online tv--then the sound become all ghost-ish & distorted (does anyone else have this problem?) so i gave that up. then i decided to fold some laundry. THEN my sister arrived & being the non-parent, newly DINK'ed gal that she is, well she was like first you're NOT riding in that car with the toxic fumes (emiting from the interior of the car from mold or something gross like that...whitey, aka thelma aka my high school car that wes drives & won't get rid of until it dies...it still gets 36 miles per gallon in his defense) & we're going o-u-t & you *will* make me laugh & we'll have a good time! so we go out to grandview & have a great time. figlio's pizza--hello, what's not to love about that? after 5 hours of sister time & 1 near drink spitting incident (me) she dropped me off at home & i slept peacefully until...

she promptly called to wake me up at 8:48 a.m. saturday morning--twice-- & then she talked me into stealing money from my daughter's piggy bank so i could go shopping with her (okay, i suggested the heist, but she encouraged me, in my defense. this was not planned, the call, the shopping, the money taken from a piggy bank--what kind of parent am i?! *wink*). i found great deals at what has been determined to be my favorite store--the gap--but this was the highlight of the trip. picture this: we're at gap (at easton) & i'm gushing about this sweat-shirt-ish thing that i've been oogling over when i walk by gap at the mall (i can't go in & try it on or else i would just buy it impulsively. i have this sick sick sick love affair with gap jeans & sweatshirts...but check out the jeans i am *dying* for: the boyfriend cut. but they didn't have my size in the store. gasp, shock, horror, tears, etc). i was telling her all about this sweatshirt & looking all over the store for it & didn't see it & decided that it was fate telling me to lay off & i was sadly looking at other sweatshirts (that's my wardrobe, folks, sweatshirts, crew neck shirts, sweatpants & jeans) & then kristi said 'what about this one heids, it looks like something you'd like' & i said without looking 'man, i can't believe they don't have my shirt; this one here is okay' & she was like 'LOOK at this one, i think you'll like it' & i looked & heaven opened up & the heavenly choir sung hallelujah for just me & me only b/c kristi was holding up THE SWEATSHIRT picked from the *sale* rack. in black. in my size. could it get any better?

so we shopped the morning away & the pants i ended up deciding to buy were somehow magically marked down 60%!!!!!!!!! yes, that's 6-0-% the luck i was having proved it was meant to be, me & the gap, that morning. the sweatshirt. the sales. the free garlic pretzel sticks--with cheese--when i was so hungry i could eat an entire cow but didn't want to spend the moolah. glorious.

THEN...it gets better, folks, yes it does. THEN i invited some lady friends over, after a dinner out to a thai restaurant in the short north (yumminy yum yum), to have chocolate fondue & wine (& beer? & champagne that was never opened b/c we're all lightweights *smile*). we hung out talking without child interruptions for nearly 3 1/2 hours. we talked about real things & laughed & didn't scold anyone of our offspring during that time. i loved it.

but...i miss my girls. i miss my husband. last night i actually cuddled for about 1 minute with wes' pillow (then i was like--hey, i want my own pillow) & put the girls' baby lotion on my hands & stalked around in their rooms b/c i couldn't get to sleep (griswold making very loud noises sleeping in the bedroom; i had to kick him out). i want them back home...but am enjoying this time still. (by writing about them?!)

at this point this post is just rambling on about stuff that most of you aren't interested in reading. that's okay; it's not for you necessarily. i'm just refreshed after this weekend. every parent should get a chance to have a vacation in their own home & then have good friends to hang with to make it even better. plus our house will be *clean* by the time they return later today (it truly is amazing what can be accomplished without kids vying for my attention while cleaning & cooking). i may get a shower, take a walk, grocery store, dinner, & cleaning done--all in the same day! & still have energy left over to play with my girls & talk to my husband.

so thank you to my dear, wonderful, loving husband for giving me this weekend-not-away. it worked; i feel relaxed, my neck muscles don't ache from doing children lifting. i don't feel stressed about the screeching (that's for tomorrow). {now to get you, scotty, & cal off for a weekend in the woods...}... & thank you sue & bruce for enjoying my girls & giving wes sleep-in mornings. i'm sure you enjoyed this weekend with them--the girlies--as much as i've enjoyed the weekend without them. my break--without kids--in daily life is your break--with grandkids--in daily life. i *highly* recommend a vacation-not-away.

of parties & viruses

*birthday party pictures!*

jump! jump! jump! these girls had an amazing amount of fun in this jump house (thanks to some friends who lent it to us).

painting pumpkins. 'tis the season.

adeline with her look of ultimate concentration on the decoration of her 2nd pumpkin. she was *dying* all day just spotting these paints up on the counter for her party. & here she finally gets to use them.

blowing candles out. check out the party hats, eh?!

adeline had a wonderful birthday party. we could tell she felt very special & had joy written all over her *body* the entire time (except when she said her belly hurt...which started her round of illness). she had a splendid time with tyler & melaina & then later chloe & zoe arrived just in time for a dora-video-fest & smores.

the funny thing is that saturday morning adeline told me that she decided she didn't want a curious george party, she wanted a dora party. i had asked her nearly 20 times that week prior to buying all the plates & hats 'are you SURE you don't want a dora party?!' & she's like 'no not, ah ah' (which translated is a monkey noise which means curious george). anyway, that was just, well, just like a 3 year old, eh?

i think she loved her party so much that we *may* just convince her to poop in the potty by dangling a 'POOP PARTY' as bait. seriously, i told her that if she pooped in the potty for 5 days straight, we'd throw her a poop party & she talks about this party all the time now. still no poop in the toilet BUT the idea is planted. SO if you get a strange turd looking invite in the mail, well, it's a poop party invite. (all potty humor & jokes welcome)

***
the early season blues

we are blasted with the early season virus going around. nearly every family we hang out with (who have kids) has at least 1 person sick! seriously, that's a lot of illness. i'm have a very manageable case of it, adeline was the worst off (she has a killer cough right now), & amelia's cold is dragging on (but i spy a tooth poking through her gums, so i think part of her symptoms may be teething related). anyway, it just seems early into the cold temperatures for something this wide spread. i don't think we have h1n1 but it does make one think how quickly it goes around, or rather how quickly h1n1 could go around. our flu vaccines (just the normal year ones) are scheduled for mid november. it has been mentioned that i may be in need of the h1n1 due to the recent surgery; we'll see if there's any available for me at my doc's. at any rate... *enough already* virus! stop running the mama's & the papas ragged & making little ones cry & cough & not sleep.

here is amelia with her rash.

thankfully i've kept the rash from spreading any further than down her neck & a bit on her belly one day. (i'm smothering her with aquaphor in case you are wondering). but she is still a fairly happy baby, going around climbing into rocking chairs & figuring out how her stacking blocks & rings work. i do think she's a bit bored without adeline around to wrestle. i mean, adeline tickles amelia non stop or they are spatting a bit. either way, amelia is being entertained! so we are bound to be seen at the mall or westerville rec center circa 9 a.m. b/c amelia at home alone just means a big mess (i still maintain that new curious george stories are being written by a (literal) ghost writer following us around with monkey amelia). over all, her favorite thing to do is play with a kid-sized kitchen pot & wooden spoon. she will sit & stir random things for up to half an hour. then bring it over for me to taste test (the lotion cap was the worst tasting of all, btw). amelia also gives very wonderful kisses on my back: she lifts my shirt up a bit & then gently kisses my back, giggles & squeals & then puts my shirt back down. how can you not love that?

& here is adeline on monday, sick as a dog. she survived only on cereal & apple juice. after her fever was gone & she no longer said her belly hurt we introduced her to chocolate milk...which has been her nightly request since then. "choco-tate milt pease?!"

& it has been brought to our attention that adeline seems to excel in art at school & her teacher mentioned that we may want to give her more time to play with different artistic mediums at home. her teacher had also just given addy a *stellar* 2 week review so i didn't want to explain to her just how many times adeline had written all over the walls, floor, etc with marker & giving her free reign to scissors & glue is very dangerous. but, her teacher is right. when addy is playing with crayons/markers/pens/paints her eyes light up & she is uber-focused & joyful. i'm thinking of ways to entertain this love for art. any suggestions?

& does anyone else love this weather? autumn is my favorite season, so this early fall weather is blissful to me. fleece! who doesn't love fleece!?