2nd appt update

it went okay, as well as expected. it only took 3 of us to hold her down for the catheter. poor girl, she was terrified & crying for me to stop them, calling them bad bad bad. it nearly brought tears to my eyes, but she made it through great. AND they *did* give her some numbing ointment before the catheter was inserted (originally the ped didn't think they did that for the kids. why not?!).

she does NOT have kidney problems, though. her urinary tract infection was just that & doesn't have anything to do with kidney dysfunction or reflux. throughout the procedure we talked about things that calmed her down & the few things included ice cream sundaes (we went directly to a grocery store to let her pick out her own ice cream & whipped cream...she picked out 3 small tubs of ice cream. how could i say no after all that crying & stuff she went through?!). the other thoughts that got her through were of her birthday party & especially with chloe & zoe (her twin cousins) coming to jump in the jump house with her (we hope to rent one for her party). hearing about chloe & zoe coming to visit her & play made her smile & laugh even while in pain. (hhmm, i mentioned amelia would be there to play also & she was like 'nope, she's a baby mama' so i hope amelia isn't thrown out of the jump house by addy & the twins, lol).

i'm so glad it's over. now for a good day & week. i'm taking in some biofreeze loving to help with the increase of muscle use this morning (how old do i sound?! *smile*).

one appointment down, 2 more to go, plus something special

ADELINE IS IN! she made it into the special needs preschool. she will get physical, occupational, & speech therapy (individual & group) weekly, plus the usual preschool thing. 4 days a week for about 2 1/2 hours. amazing. perfect. love it.

i think *every* child should have this preschool opportunity. why is it that a kid has to have special needs to get free education as a preschooler? (i believe that was one of obama's points of interest & i hope it still is...i will try not to get all political on you, but i sway left...even if i didn't i would enthusiastically accept this free preschool. i am glad to pay taxes to help out kids, adults, whomever. okay, will stop before i go on about health care *smile*).

2nd appointment, gosh, this is going to be difficult. wes needed to be at work, i mean, he's taken so many part days off. his employers are wonderful about all of these appointments, simply wonderful & understanding. but there comes a time when he has to say 'i have to be at work, i can't do this appointment' & i have to start pushing myself & do it. so today is the day that i take adeline to get an ultrasound of her kidneys & then a catheter. what a day to start, eh? i'm guessing there will have to be some sort of restraint object used...i know there will be lots of screaming b/c catheters hurt (this i now know), at least coming out they do. anyway, it will be over soon & hopefully this is just a precaution & she doesn't have kidney problems.

then tomorrow is her preschool open house! then 15 minutes after that she has her 1st individual speech therapy appointment...& yes, i'm driving all this myself! gulp. my cousin mckenzie is a godsend today, able to stay here with amelia & then tomorrow my friend christine will be here with amelia for those times. gosh, it will suddenly be friday, eh? THEN our old neighbors from boise who are driving around the country in their (oil run?) RV, talking about jesus & serving others & such, well, they're coming to ohio & visiting us! they are fantastic folks & we've missed them & are kinda giddy to see them again. (check out their 'share5' blog on the right).

must go pump addy with some more water for her exams... wish us luck.

WAIT! the 'plus something'??? i fit into my skinny jeans! not my pre-adeline skinny jeans (do i even still own those?!) but my post-amelia being born goal jeans. they're not actually the skinny "fit", just what i consider to be the weight & shape & size i feel comfortable with. i don't use a scale ever, so i have to use jeans or clothes to determine all those things. this morning, i couldn't find my newer jeans & so i went downstairs, to the box that has a taped on note saying "HEIDI DON'T OPEN UNTIL 10/09" b/c i don't want to open them & not fit into them & be all bummed. i gave myself the 13 months to fit back into pre amelia clothes & all it took was a brain tumor, lol. i was watching a tivo'd show of sex & the city t he other day & samantha fit into her skinny jeans & i was like 'oh my dkny jeans from 2 septembers ago, i miss you' & here i am, feeling like samantha, fitting into the dream jeans. do you feel the sun shining also? *smile*

happy birthday, leila!

it's a return of the birthday posts. i took a hiatus to get rid of harold. BUT what a better day to re-start than on my sister-in-law's birthday?!

it is my hope that everyone has a sister in law like leila. here are my reasons: (yes, i'm into listing things lately)

• she produces (with my brother) amazingly gorgeous & cute nieces & bff's to adeline & amelia.
• leila is the perfect match for my brother...she has this ability to *know* scotty, fiercely & kindly. i am beyond-the-moon-happy that they are together & married & she is now part of my family.
  
• oh my goodness, need i say that she makes desserts for family gatherings that are scrumptious & made *someone* (not me, i promise you) say things like 'is this cake called orgasm cake?'. (& oh, does taht person not normally say things like that in public, so thanks leila for that laugh)
• & she also has this uncanny ability to remember stupid things that we say or do--all members of my family--& then bring them up at perfect times. she does this quietly, but with great impact & hilarity.
  
• she's a mom i have come to trust, a compatriot, battling out the mama wars (with kids or whomever/whatever) with advice & stories. i mean, she has *twins*...she knows the kid business.
• i am trying to learn from her patience, in all aspects of life...
• leila is a manager for a starbucks cafe giving her the ability to hand out good lovin' all the time (hint, good lovin' is a form of coffee-starbuck-ian treat). i mean, we get baskets of STARBUCKS treats for christmas! come on, tell me you're not jealous of me now.
• she gave me the word find puzzle book that helped me, uh, get the bowels moving after the surgery. there will ALWAYS be a soft spot in my heart for her b/c of this. (long story & no you don't want to know all the details).
• she doesn't flinch or turn away or look at wes & i like we're terrible parents when our children screech...she laughs with us.
• not to mention that leila is just simply an amazing person. smart. beautiful. insightful. kind. patient. strong (physically & emotionally). loyal. giving. witty. empathetic.
  

leila holding amelia, june 2009

another great thing? well, she didn't glare at me when i pulled out capri sun juice bags at the ball park in june, giving them to her barely 2 year old girls--not even thinking that when addy was that age she would've had NO CLUE what to do with juice in a bag with a hole. she was kind enough not to point the finger at me when the prissy young lady sitting in front of us, who was immediately squirted with juice by chloe & zoe (of course, what else do you do with a bag like that?), turned around all pissed off & huffy. i didn't even know it happened; my fault, my fault.

& most moms, even friends, would have a hard time with this one: i can't tell her girls apart. but as pissed off as she may get or be (or may not be!!!), she's never once been like 'heidi, get a grip, you're their aunt...tell them apart' . {btw: that is my family goal for this year: to be able to tell the twins apart. it's like a game i need to make up for myself, which one is chloe or zoe? or else soon we will have them here without their parents & they will pull the parent trap trick on me...big time}.

sooo... leila, we wish you a happy birthday! i am happy to have you in our family, a wife to my brother, an mama to my nieces, an aunt to my girls. you are loved & appreciated.

FEARS

so we have a few fears about adeline starting preschool. here's a few. i'm sure we'll add onto this as the date draws closer.

• she will say her name is BUBBA, as my dad has taught her. as in, i'm big bubba, my sister is little bubba & i even call my gram-mum bubba. (my dad says he's merely tapping into our west virginian roots...let's instead tap into the scottish roots? or maybe the german?)
  
• her first full sentence in preschool will involve some sort of shit, hell, damn, etc...since she doesn't so much repeat the sounds or words we say, we have become accustomed to still swearing a bit around her.
• adeline will quickly develop a more intense urge to be fashionable. i mean, you should have seen what the older girls were wearing at that elementary schoool! i know it was the first day of school so the kids wanted to look good & all, but we can't afford a new wardrobe! i'm hoping they still allow sweatpant-ish pants & leggings. b/c that's most of addy's winter wardrobe.
• that adeline will decide mid-morning to take all her clothes off. then hide them. then run around the school laughing & hiding like she does at home.
• since addy is so much easier to pronounce than adeline, i fear her full name (my favored name) will become obsolete.
  
• that i will not have the will power NOT go to starbucks on the way home, after dropping her off, with amelia sleeping in her car seat.
• i like being early or, if need be *sigh* on time. is this possible every day? what if we're late, constantly. is this okay in preschool?
• THAT I WILL FORGET TO PICK HER UP... hello, mrs. gerbick. yea? it's noon & we've found adeline a lunch, but is it possible for you to pick her up now, 2 hours late? *expletive*
• she will toot/fart/whatever you call it, laugh, then say something about 'i shoot ducks' (again, thanks dad)
• other parents will glare at us b/c *omg* those are the parents who pretend their kid has tree nut allergies, which means we can't let our kids have tree nuts in here, *GOSH* how annoying.
• will adeline like her preschool teacher more than her mama? unlikely, but still, a fear.
• amelia will decide that SHE wants to attend preschool NOW.
• they readily give out scissors & told us this already. adeline will have scissors at her disposal. should i tell them about my sister & i cutting my hair with scissors at this same age? that's why we don't have kid scissors, folks.
• adeline will get bullied on the playground. come on, this has to be every parent's fear. a year ago, addy would've put the smack down on that kid. now, she's a bit more reserved & fearful of other kids (all experts say b/c of her speech delay = change in personality).

what am i looking forward to about her going off to preschool?

• time with amelia, by ourselves

• time to grocery shop with only one kid!

• adeline making friends, learning about life without her parents & family around.

• more positive adult role models in her life. these preschool teachers are *AMAZING* (i think adeline has missed out a bit by staying at home with me nearly all the time. i mean, we have playgroups & she goes to the gym day care for a few hours a week (okay, she used to, pre-harold discovery) but i'm excited for her to interact with others, sans mama bear lurking.

i like that she's growing up. it's sad & going so fast, yes, but it's good b/c that's life, right? really, how else are wes & i going to enjoy being emtpy-nesters in 20 years if they don't grow up?! we have plans, my girls, plans for the no-kid gerbicks, plus 20 years. i'm sure we'll miss them as we're hiking in africa. visiting historical sights around the world. doing only 3 loads of laundry a week. we are enjoying the life cycle, that's all.

anyway. any fears of preschool or the life cycle you'd like to share?

one month

today marks the first month without harold. *sniff sniff* you're not missed.

this week has just zoomed by somehow & now it's friday & i'm glad. but everyone's in a testy mood for our own various reasons, making life a bit tense right now. but! adeline is 95% sure getting into the westerville school district special needs preschool. yippee! hello--she'll get speech therapy daily, plus any other therapies they see she may need. did i mention it's free? well, $15 a year for fees & whatnot but wow did that come as an answer to prayer (what a does a pay decrease + insurance coverage decrease + speech therapy costs + private preschool =?? too much for us to afford right now) so getting preschool & speech therapy all at once at public school is amazing & a godsend. PLUS she loved the teachers & the evaluators...it was the first time she had left with someone new that she didn't scream, cry, & throw herself into fits on the floor. wes & i were in a separate room & i kept waiting to hear her screeching from afar but it never came. when we met up with her an hour later, she was *happy* & laughing, playing with the speech therapist. & now she's excited for preschool...

we have her determination meeting monday morning. this is where all the evaluators/specialists meet up with us & the preschool coordinator to decide if she indeed qualifies for the preschool. if she does, then an IEP is written (oh joy. i've sat through enough of those iep meetings from my last job to know that fun is *not* coming). then she will start preschool either on her birthday or the following monday. (her birthday is sept 25). my baby is going to preschool?! FIRST #1.

FIRST #2: amelia walked. on her birthday. she just stood up in the middle of the floor, gave a huge smile & took 3 steps to adeline, then grabbed onto addy & fell to the floor. it happened in all of 10 seconds. but i caught it on my mama-memory-cam & there it will stay, hopefully forever. she hasn't walked since (well, i don't really know b/c i don't see her constantly & if the walking spells only last 10 seconds, well...there's a good chance we've missed it a few times).

***

what does one month post-op for a vestibular schwannoma surgery mean? well, my left ear has a moderate to low ringing, i can walk almost at a normal pace (sometimes, when i'm not very tired) but i'm tired a lot & a bit grouchy when the muscle pain is intense...which happens at least 2 or 3 times a day for various reasons. basically, i just need more time for things to heal. i had the 4 week post-op check up with dr welling & he said i was a great patient & doing amazing, that i looked nearly like a civilian (normal?). i dunno if they say that to everyone (care to input paige?), that they're great patients, etc. but for sure what they wanted to take care of before he appointment on thursday: payment. our balance of $1356.00 needed to have a payment made or paid in full. *gulp* it's just hard to see that chunk o change go, but we got it over all at once. i mean, the true amount of my surgery & hospital stay is still being worked out, but it's around the $150,000's now. yowzers. yes, i will pay $1356 instead of that previous amount.

i just have to get through this time. i keep telling myself to look forward to the holidays, when i will be feeling better (from what i've heard from other patients, the dr's, & also others who have had surgeries). it will be 5-6 months after & hopefully i will feel nearly 100%. even better, i will not have a brain tumor lurking in my skull, so i should feel even better than i used to. yea, i'm looking forward to that times 100.

***

it has been discovered that adeline has a severe allergy to walnuts (via a blood test). we also know she has a severe reaction to pine nuts & pecans. if you bring those into our home, you will be disqualified *smile* but really, we're trying to figure that all out. since she eats almonds, (also a tree nut) in the morning in her cereal & has eaten peanut & peanut products since 18 months without an issue, we are hoping to only find that she's allergic to those 3 tree nuts. but we have a few epi-pens for her, which freaks me out & benedryl always on hand.

then she recently had a round of urinary tract infection symptoms for quite a while & was taken to a dr & urgent care, etc & finally given medication for it on last week. she's doing better but now her ped wants to do an ultrasound on her kidneys & a catheter with dye contrast. to make sure she doesn't have this sort of reflux idea going on with her urethra & kidneys. wes & i nearly said a big N-O, especially since there's nothing to give her for the pain & discomfort of the catheter, plus the fact that addy won't let ANYONE near her vulva to begin with.... that appointment is on monday as well. maybe i'll tape the screaming & crying & send it off to be used for some slayer/slasher movie b/c that's how intense this will be. but the last time we almost blew off a dr's recommendation, my MRI, well, let's just say we're happy now that we went ahead with it...wish us luck! & wish us a better weekend w/ less grumpiness all around *smile*

birthday for the amelia baby

i was going to start this post talking about amelia. BUT i just realized once i listened to what wes was watching on tv & now i have to start by telling everyone that he was watching the girl scouts clothing design on pbs. oh, i love that man.

so yea, amelia is officially 1! holy crap, where did this year go? so i have a dozen or so pictures to share of the past year. of course, pictures. (i'm sorry, i'm exhausted. typing makes my neck & shoulder muscles hurt!)

on her birthday, yesterday (this is her softly scrunched nose face. yes, she does have a not softly scrunches face)

earlier that evening on her birthday

july

june

may

april

march

february

january

december

november

october

september

august, day 3

so amelia is 21.10 ounces & 29 inches (she's lost weight?!), according to her well baby appointment today.

what i love about amelia is her spunk. she just has this *look* about her that exudes cheerful naughtiness. that whole mischievous appearance cute now, maybe cute later...(hopefully still cute during adolescence?). she has been my snuggle baby & i will always love to snuggle with her.

really, there is so much to say about amelia, her disposition & her facial contortions & her protests of not being held, her ways of 'getting back' at adeline... she's just our beautiful, smart, climbing-fool baby who is no longer a baby. & that's okay, i can't wait to see what else she gets herself into.

***

much more news to pass on,but really, i need to get some biofreeze & a heating pad on my neck meat before i can't turn my head (that hurts).

a year ago today, this evening...

...i had just returned from an appointment with the midwife & lo & behold i was in labor & apparently had been for 5 days. wes & i were shocked as the midwife said in response to the positive swab test for amniotic fluid: you're going to have a baby tonight! GASP. but this baby's not due for 3 more weeks?!

a dinner of pizza & a quick hospital bag pack...

in the hospital thinking really, i'm in labor? i couldn't even tell when a contraction was in progress...b/c in reality, i wasn't in full labor. the amniotic sac had ruptured at the top & was doing a slow leak. i was only 3 centimeters dilated! i lapped the nurses around the lap-walk. it wasn't until 1:30 a.m., after a doctor ruptured the entire sac that i started to feel the contractions (after hours & hours of pitocin & argh--being strapped to a bed against my will).

so yea, here's a picture of me going 'what next'?

last baby belly shot

amelia anne, you were on your way!

happy birthday tomorrow, my baby girl.

somehow

as of right now, i am beyond tired. wes is beyond tired. we all know why i'm tired; i've been told surgery recovery is the cause. wes is tired b/c he's *the dude* around the house, doing most of everything, plus working, plus waking me up at night to take my meds, & then waking up with whichever child decides to wake up in the way freakin early morning (amelia. 5:30 a.m.). maybe you're thinking to yourself why can't heidi wake herself up to take her own meds, be an adult, let her hubby sleep?! well, let me, heidi, tell you that i take a sleeping pill to get me through the pain of sleeping (i know, i know, the angst) & if it were up to the middle of the night self, i would wake up, think i'm just hearing things, b/c i do hear random things now, when the alarm goes off, turn the alarm off & then think i'm dreaming something about turning an alarm off, then go back to sleep. then i'd wake up 3 hours later in intense agony realizing that *IT WASN'T A DREAM WHY DIDN'T I TAKE THOSE GOD-SENT PILLS?!!!!???*

so we are very tired. but we're happy & just sort of milling around doing mostly normal things. we went to church this morning. the pastor talked about work & went over this quote by martin luther which of course i don't remember word for word, but it surmised that when a father changes his baby's dirty diapers & washes them, he is doing god's work & he is not effeminate, but rather worshipping god (see what people remember from sermons? the really important stuff, right?). oh, how i love the vineyard & rich nathan. yada yada yada, the same applies for a mom, of course. maybe check out their website & you could possibly get to the sermon & check out the quote? i could try to put a link up...but that's tooooo much work for me right now. do it yourself, lol.

like i was saying before getting sidetracked, we're happy & doing mostly normal things. while talking to a friend at church i finally correlated something: i just feel semi-drunk constantly. b/c when i turn my head, the world sort of spins & the medication makes me groggy & if i closed my eyes i would slip into the world of almost-sleeping. so if you see me & i seem like a druggie, just laugh it off & thank sweet jesus i won't be like this forever. (at least i hope not).

did i mention happy to be alive, though? happy to be together. adeline is muy happy b/c she gets to watch tv a lot the past few days & i have this ability to make a dora-esque MAP or PLAN for every thing or place we're going. you know, first we go to the fridge. then we pull out the juice. then we walk around the chair in the middle of the kitchen (before i fall over it) & open the cupboard door to get a cup. then we fill the cup with juice! say it with me: fridge, chair, cupboard, cup with juice! (repeat 4 times).

anyone up for a nap time?

be on the lookout

yes, folks, be on the lookout for a *CRAZY* white aztec driving around near westerville! as of today, i have permission from my surgeon to drive...yes, do you feel that fear in you? well if you live near me, you should feel the fear. b/c i DROVE TONIGHT! i switched with wes on our way home from dinner (wes & i are way too tired today to cook. me from surgery recovery, wes from waking up with amelia at 5:30)...we were in our neighborhood, probably for a total of 2/3 of a mile, but still, *i drove*!. so, when there are no cars moving around me & i don't really have to turn my head, i'm okay to drive. otherwise, it's probably not such a good idea. i think i may have to wait another week for the safety of others & those in my car.
***
somehow in the past month, my youngest daughter has been switched with a monkey. or maybe it's an alien that will soon reveal itself by pealing off its fake human mask from the neck, revealing it's green googly eyes & cone head (that was exactly what my sister, as a young girl, thought of my parents when they were sleeping. we were just swapping parents-as-aliens stories the other night. & i thought i was extreme for thinking their eyes were green at night. geez!). anyway, amelia is quite the acrobat & climber. she's not walking yet but has this weird ability to scale nearly anything. today a book was propped up against a side coffee table/cupboard & she was climbing it--a book--to get on top of the table! i wasn't there to witness it, but i believe she was successful. she can climb our outdoor slide 7 feet up to the top, then she can also climb the steps of that slide, never mind the indoor stairs (that was *so* last week, y'all). it's as if her body will just suddenly stick to anything in order to get to her desired destination. OR she will completely do a head dive-bomb off of the couch or any elevated item onto the floor. thankfully, she puts her hands out first (when her head digs into the floor, she doesn't mind). she also appears to be attempting somersaults dives from the playroom mattresses (one is up higher, then the lower one is right beside it, on the floor. THESE ARE THE *BEST* TOYS EVER. I PROMISE YOU THIS. people of all ages like to jump on beds, right?). i believe she's learning the somersault trick from her sister, for sure not from me. crazy kid.
***
& my arm is now sticking to the table as i type b/c adeline sat here & watched dora on the nick jr website & ate chocolate ice cream...my phish food! (gasp, precious commodity). so this was our first day alone with the girls & we did pretty good. we even did our usual cinnamon-rolls-for-breakfast saturday morning tradition. i put amelia down tonight (then wes had to go in a bit later to calm her down after she woke up from her 2 minute slumber...i can't yet do the bopping around while holding her to get her in sleep mode). the house is a MESS, we ate out for dinner with a gift card from neighbors but we are not crazy-eyed & sobbing into the phone, calling my mom begging her to come back NOW ... that's tomorrow, *smile*. i am now yawning uncontrollably, so i'm off to bed. i just wanted to give a fair warning about the blond driving maniac around westerville. psst, i heard she just had brain surgery & isn't stable; watch out for that car. *wink*

restless

this morning i woke up feeling just plain miserable. i had slept in until--GASP--9 a.m.which means that i missed my 7:30 a.m. dose of acetaminophen. so my muscles were so sore that i could barely turn my head left or right or move my shoulders one iota. my head was pounding with the typical post-brain surgery headache. etc etc blah blah.

finally, the coffee kicked in, as did the meds & i felt a bit better. we (my mom, the girls, & my 13 year old cousin, matthew, who is addy's new best friend) did an outing to the westerville rec center...where adeline tore it up on the indoor playground. such intensely happy giggling.

so on the stages of recovery, i have hit whatever number it is: restless. i want to be better, *now*. as the nurse said to my family as i was coming in & out of anaesthetic, "she's {me} a fighter. that's good for long term recovery, but not good for short term recovery" then finished her sentence by pushing more morphine into my iv line, kindly sending me to sleep. i think she was also the one i was mumbling & arguing with about the catheter (sorry, nurse. morphine, what else can i say?!). this restlessness is good, b/c next week my mom is returning to work from monday through wednesday & i have folks here off & on during the day but this starts my shift from patient back to full time mom. i'm excited & terrified.

oh, what to name this post?

amelia typically gets an afternoon snack in her bumbo seat...which works out great, except when she smooshes the raisins into the two divets in the tray that are supposed to hold a spinning toy (that we never put on there b/c she tears it off & wings it across the room). use of the bumbo has ended, as of this week. the other day we placed her in it for her snack, left the room & i came back in a few minutes later to find her crawling, still in the bumbo! that was the largest baby bum i have ever seen wiggling around. *smile*


& i don't have any pictures (yet, they're on my mom's camera) but adeline *loves* to play in the rain. so last night, during our constant light rain shower, adeline & i went to sit on the patio to watch the rain. she got a bit ansty & i suggested she play in the rain. she did, gleefully. then she tried to get me in the action, but i somehow convinced her that daddy would be a much better playmate (he was). after this my mom has taken to calling her a shawnee indian warrior princess to which i reply (with a smile) 'we use native american in this house'.
***
recovery. i'm trying to figure it all out this week. what are my limits, what is the purpose of this tumor/surgery/recovery in my life, do things just happen b/c they happen or is there a reason, why is it that a medication will make pain 1 feel better but then cause pain 2 & pain 3 to worsen or begin??? all these questions. i know, i just can't let things happen; to me there's a reason. at first i was angry with god that he let this happen to me...now i'm a bit passed that *wink* but still trying to figure it all out. hhmm, where am i going with this?

well, i have reached the 'exhausted' stage in the 29 (or82?) stages of surgery recovery (according to heidi). every new hurdle i'm learning to deal with, slowly. the face numbness is more of an annoyance. the imbalance i can predict. i know how fast (or to normal folks, how slow) i can turn my head to avoid sending the room spinning. every 3-4 hours i take over the counter pain meds for the HOLY CRAP painful muscles & know when they will start to hurt again. the newest is the exhaustion...it just hits me, at about, oh 9 a.m., lol. & i can't shake it. this morning i drank 2 full cups of coffee to off set it & instead of being more awake, i got the shakes from drinking too much caffeine. i tried to take a nap but instead i'm restless & thinking about being wheeled into the operating room, waking up from the surgery the first 6 times, seeing wes by my bed crying.

i especially remember the moment i thought to myself: i could die now & it would be okay. b/c *HELLO* that's not a good thought! how could i think that?! i'm for sure not suicidal & i really love living. so what i think is that i was in the most intense pain of my life, but also on morphine to cloud my brain up a bit, my family had just seen me for the first time & they had gone. the nurse was trying to explain to me why my face was numb & why i couldn't get up to pee (i tried to tell her to pull the catheter out several times & she was very kind, but was like hell no you are not getting up & i would mumble but i have to pee on the toilet...) & the older lady near me kept doing these terrible smelling farts. anyway, during this time i thought about adeline & amelia & wes & how they would have such a better life if i was with jesus instead. b/c i was in so much pain & didn't know to just let the pee *go* into the catheter & my goodness would that mumbling older lady ever stop stinking the room up (this was in the surgery recovery room, which i was only in for about 8 hours i think). so i keep trying to make myself believe that i never had this thought that dying right now would be okay for everyone. so to STOP denial, like a good old social worker will, i will just tell everyone about it! duh.

at the healing prayer last monday one of the women praying said that somehow this tumor & surgery & recovery was going to be used to further god's kingdom. before the surgery, another friend told me this as well. all i'm thinking is 'why this?' why surgery...why can't god just land 100 acres of land in my lap so i can start the settlement house of my dreams, complete with a farm, grants that will send the families to college or a trade school, houses on the land, etc (i don't really want to go back into social work unless i can do something like this. so there degree & license).

but i think now i'm sort of getting it. throughout this whole harold diagnosis i have been keenly aware of the response people give to my situation. some retreat, some come out of the woodwork, some come to the rescue (think: parents & siblings!), some are distant or steadfast in their outreach. you get the picture. what is best is when someone has gone through a trauma of any kind & can *relate*. maybe i am supposed to relate to others going through traumas? i don't know, this is just what keeps coming up.

there are so many things that fall through the cracks after a surgery, or any trauma...but in our world, or in our family or circle of friends sometimes people don't take the time to notice or care or reach out. i have been shocked of who shrinks back, not wanting to engage in this recovery. maybe it's b/c i have decided not to hold back & give white lies that 'all is well, god is good' (well, god is good, but that doesn't mean all is well. coming from a grace brethren church background, that may make sense to some of you, lol) & then i have been shocked by the stamina of others to reach out, even when their own life is crazy. sooo....there you have it. this is why i can't sleep today! ARRGH.

cooking dinner

Tonight while cooking dinner Addy was on the counter 'helping'. After a while Heidi noticed that she had gotten into a tub of little oreo cookies...

Heidi's response: Addy should you be eating those before dinner?
Grandma's response: Addy don't you need some milk with those?
My (Wes') response: Can I have some?
Addy's response: No, me.

What a family.....

just for amelia

we apologize the near-picture only post last night. to be honest, we were both exhausted & i was very very sore. it's hard to explain, this muscle soreness. a friend who i met through an online group for folks with this tumor (shout out to paige *smile*) warned me about this muscle soreness before the surgery...i had no idea it would feel *THIS* bad. so on days some days (i still can't tell what brings this on, if anything) i can barely move my head b/c my neck, shoulders & sometimes back muscles feel to be paralyzed with pain. i think it was the hub-bub of amelia's party & then a night of constant waking up, who knows; but last night & even this morning, i just feel like the aforementioned muscles have totally given up on trying to be useful. so i'm alternating ibuprofen & acetaminophen today (in addition to 'biofreeze') in hopes that my muscles become a bit more limber. i mean, sneezing hurts.

also last night was my first night of individual soaking prayer at our church. i have 3 women who pray for my healing for 40 minutes straight. i know some folks who read this blog may not like religion & others may like religion, but scoff at the thought of god healing someone in the present. well, as the women started to pray for healing & one woman prayed to the numbness to go away, up until that point, half of my tongue & half of my lips (the left sides) were numb. the second she prayed for the numbness to go away, SUDDENLY my tongue, lips, & inner cheek were no longer numb. it lasted for about 30 seconds & then the numbness returned. i don't think god is playing mind tricks on me or even my own mind playing tricks. i think that is god telling me that i will be healed, that he is here.
***
SO. amelia's party!

it was a butterfly theme b/c amelia sort of flutters around at this moment in her life. she's not a focused baby. more the type who wants to know everything there is to know about everything (if you-ahem-your child watches sid the science kid, you probably have that song in your head now. sorry) she goes from thing to thing to person to thing, all in a matter of 1 minute. anyway, she flutters about like a butterfly; thus, the theme.

i then force my girls to wear a tutu to their 1st birthday party. i love it, so...they can deal with it. my mother in law kindly makes them. so a butterfly with a tutu? it's something they will ask me about in their adolescent years, i'm sure. who cares? most people think it's cute, especially me!

amelia was in a great mood for the entire party. i was shocked, no serious meltdowns or protests. she even grabbed some wrapping paper & tore it off a gift. the cake was probably the most disturbing part of the party...she checked it out for some time, looking at the icing, patting it a bit, sticking her fingers in it. finally addy was hoisted up beside her sister to show her how to *eat some cake* & shoved some icing in her mouth. THEN amelia started to taste it. she seems to have more of a sweet tooth than adeline did at this age (addy didn't even like sweets until this past year! what kid?!) so to see a nearly 1 year old gobbling up her cake was a treat.

i just have to say...it was wonderful to be able to still have a party for amelia so soon after my surgery. the fact that i have a sister & mom who are willing to totally plan & implement a birthday party for a wee one year old...that makes me feel blessed. i know if they hadn't been able to do it, that others would have stepped up to throw the party as well...but i do know that i am in no shape to be doing a party!

i just really like the idea of celebrating birthdays. it's sort of a day to celebrate that specific person's life & relationships & every thing about that person. wes & i are adamant: birthdays will be a fun day. i'm sure the parties filled with family & our friends are going away, replaced with parties filled with shrieking little girls (or boys, if they choose to have boy friends!). either way, we want the birthday girl to know that we think she's cool enough to throw a big bash in her honor. & amelia really seemed to revel in this thought! little does she know that she will again get a cupcake or something on her actual birthday next week, including a meal that is full of her favorite foods (peas! ICK! but i will do it, just for her, lol).

it seems that the guests had fun as well. adeline loved the butterfly suckers, her cousins chloe & zoe were sooo excited to be there, & even some older crawford boys seemed to enjoy themselves. we had amelia's cousins & great grandparents & grandparents & aunts & uncles & 2nd cousins & then the set of 'fake aunties' (two of my friends who don't have kids of their own)...like i said, a 1st birthday bash, just for our amelia.

did i mention it was HOT & HUMID? i think it reached around 93 degrees that day...but everyone was a good sport about the hotness of the day (which is why we booked the shaded park...we did that last april! planners, we are *smile*).
anyway, thanks to everyone who joined us & even those who wished they could have joined us. thanks to those who helped put on the party (amelia would've had a sad candle stuck in a sad cookie if it weren't for you).

so yep, folks, next week the 24th, you'll get another round of amelia pictures or a video if i'm feeling feisty. feel free to skip it if you're tired of hearing about amelia's birthday, lol. i do know that grandparents & parents never tire of hearing about these girls (at least that i know of), so i will indulge as much as possible.

pictures first

so i'm hoping that wes can finish this post b/c i'm really having too much muscle pain to sit & type today. BUT, i wanted to add some pictures from amelia's party...& i don't think they are in any order of events.

after eating yummilicious cake!

adeline helping her sister eat the cake

the hand dip into the cake

opening gifts! she did pretty good at tearing the paper, especially for a 1 year old.
a view of the hair cut. this is even on the former-harold side.

our little butterfly with a tutu. she is so so precious...

and Wes is too tired to do much more so enjoy the pictures and we'll write more later. Good Night!

GIRLS

here i am, keeping my promise to talk about my giirrrllzzzz. let me just say that the *sisterhood* has begun. amelia knows EXACTLY what to do with adeline to really piss her off...& adeline knows how to sorta do the look-n-push (you know, no adults looking, now i can push my little sister). then there are the other moments when amelia is starting to bother adeline, but instead of getting upset adeline decides to appease her sister & give her whatever toy it is amelia is after. THEN there are the times when they are giddy-happy with each other, like they have just found their best friend for life (which i hope they have; i have found my sister irreplaceable!). so the first picture is of wes roughhousing with the gals, which they *love*.

as you can see, amelia is being tossed upside down, as addy is clapping & waiting her turn on the couch. see, *this* is why we opted to buy the less expensive couch years ago. (you don't even want to know what bodily fluids & warm milk, etc that this couch has been wiped clean of). anyway, on this particular night, adeline was crawling behind amelia, chasing her...both girls squealing with laughter. soon enough they will be running after each other, eh?

wrestling in the princess tent. this is how it went: amelia tried to climb up the sides, knocking the tent over, adeline gets a pouty face for all of 1 second. adeline then pushes the tent back upright, knocking amelia to the ground & then she will roll or pull or do whatever it takes to get amelia sitting upright again as well. only a few boo-boo's were had.

SO...

this was playtime...dress up with gram mum (my mom was not dressed up, btw). how many hats can one girl wear? *smile* BUT the next morning, addy comes sprinting downstairs with *only* the superwoman dress & bumblebee headband on. we DO have a hard time keeping clothes on her...

so if you've been around addy at bed time, you know she is head over heels in love with her teddy bear, aka little bear.
this is a shot of her lovin' on little bear circa august, 2007.
BUT, according to adeline this past week, little bear smelled like 'pooPP'. she would give her a sniff & say pooPP with a look of disgust, but would then give little bear a hug, as if to say 'little bear, even though you smell like pooPP i still love you.' geez oh man, it's only taken us about 2 months to convince adeline that little bear was in dire need of a bath (laundered)...finally, little bear does not smell like pooPP. we were a bit hesitant to take little bear down to the basement to get bathed b/c the last time adeline followed me with wes thinking i knew she was behind me & me not knowing she was behind me & then adeline fell 6 feet from the basement steps onto concrete (that was a week before christmas?). soo... we were happy *she* suggested the bath this time.

AND...it's amelia's birthday party tomorrow!
her birthday isn't until august 26th but the park we wanted to rent for the party wasn't available except for tomorrow, so, amelia is lucky to have an early birthday party. AND i didn't plan it. can you believe that my sister & mom planned her 1st birthday party...you know, from cake to hats to decorations, etc. my mother in law made some scrumptious side dishes & another amazingly adorable tutu...the theme is butterfly amelia. we *will* have pictures, no worries. (i may even finally slip in my hair cut picture...i've gotten some good reviews so far. my mother in law even thought i had a weave put in, that's how good my stylist is {i do not have a weave})... the point of this line of thinking: MY BABY IS TURNING 1 SOON?! where did the past year go?

if i were to close my eyes & tell myself 'you're 8 1/2 months pregnant with j2 {our name for baby #2, junior 2 = j2}, just finished hovering over the grimy toilet, then drank a ginger ale to keep the rest down' OR i could place myself in the delivery room at st. ann's hospital, trying to keep myself from yelling at my 3rd nurse who was an idiot & in some severe back labor pains OR i could be holding our freshly new wee-tiny amelia anne gerbick (to we gerbickians, a 6.7 baby is wee tiny, even though my twin nieces were below the 5 pound mark, still...) thinking i'm so glad labor is over, why didn't nurse #5 believe i was ready to push *thought shift* i am in love with this wee baby, she's so tiny & snugly OR i could place myself in week #5 of amelia's life, when she wouldn't stop crying & vomiting & wrenching her tiny body around after eating & i can feel the frustration of not knowing what is wrong (GERD & some sort of allergy to some unidentified food in my breast milk) & then i can place myself also in that wee #5 crying & crying b/c amelia loved formula more than my breast milk & also b/c my engorged breasts HURT LIKE HELL & i felt guilt & guilt & guilt wash over me b/c my reflux baby was on medicine & formula & i felt like a failure OR i could place myself around month 4 1/2 when life started to calm down a bit & a bumpy rhythm was found with both girls & i was getting all these wonderful snuggles from this gorgeous baby...

i could go on & on. this year has been *so hard* on many different levels. i don't think i have EVER gone to so many doctor's appointments in a year as this past year. my freakin goodness. it was like we lived with medical professionals, ya know? anyway, it was a hard year, but here we are, content, happy, in love with each other (all of us). i will remember that this year taught me to trust my medicinal instinct. i knew around week 3 that amelia had reflux & food allergies when the doc said try a different position for burping her (??); i knew that adeline had food allergies before the doctor confirmed it via blood tests; i knew that my weird host of symptoms was not 'hormonal' but something more serious {i did *not* think a brain tumor, though, lol}, i mean, i could go on & on about our medical woes, but... in quick verse: parents, trust your gut.

oh my, i must go to bed. yes, 10:15 p.m. is LATE for me.

music to my ears

as you may remember, i have what's called 'tinnitus' in my left ear (ringing in my ear). it was not very loud before surgery, enough to notice it, but not loud enough to be annoyed. well, after surgery, it sounded like a lawn mower for about 10 days, then it's been getting a bit better. now it just sounds like, uh, ringing in my ear.

BUT when i try to go to sleep...things change somehow. during the first 10 or 11 days, when i tried to fall asleep the ringing also included MUSIC. yep, music. as i lay there, with my eyes closed & my body medicated i would hear music. at first, it was classical music. i think i heard some chopin, the 1812 overture (complete with the loud drums), & various other classical songs that i've heard before. then i began to hear more contemporary music...even country, like the bonjo kind. then i heard african drums & chants. the last song? ABBA, dancing queen. it was on repeat for about 45 minutes before i finally fell asleep. (note: i do NOT like ABBA, much to my friend, judy's dismay, so i found abba the worst of all, even more so than the banjos!).

so what's going on? first, remember during this time, i was on some heavy pain meds! my thought is that the ringing in my ear was being interpreted by my brain, a brain that's not used to this noise & is tired & medicated...so while trying to figure the ringing out, my brain conjured up some music that i've come in contact with over the years. i ran this by my brother in law, the dude who knows a lot about psychology (as he is a therapist/psychologist) & he thinks my theory sounds fairy right on. my brain is trying to make sense of something & then spurts out a familiar thread: music.

my favorite? classical...come on, i was trying to fall asleep! the drums certainly weren't the best sleeping music, but were fairly entertaining to listen to...

now that the ringing has become less audible (read: no longer sounds like a lawn mower), when i'm trying to sleep, it sounds like there is water running. the first time i heard the water instead of music, i got up out of bed & checked the bathrooms upstairs (no water running). i then thought my mom was probably doing dishes or something of the sort downstairs. after 15 minutes, i was like 'why is the water still running?!' & then it hit me that with my new hearing loss, i would NOT be able to hear my mom running water downstairs, or pretty much hear anything going on downstairs, especially since i sleep with my right, fully hearing ear down on the pillow & then have another thin pillow over my head (i've always slept this way). so yea, DUH. so now i have to pee before i try to sleep...b/c water running = time to pee!
***
later today or this weekend, i plan to post a bit about the girls...it's been difficult to sit back & watch them play, grow, & be taken care of by someone else (even though that person is my mom & is an excellent care taker of not only the girls, but me...& my house!). so while observing the past week & a half, i have many stories to share. & a few pictures.
***
my hair cut went well! i just have to say that i love my hair stylist. i'm sure one of these days i'll get a pic up.
***
we just got word from a pediatrician appointment (my mom took amelia in while i napped!) that amelia is getting her molars in already...that's why she's been so very grumpy recently. this is going to be painful for the wee one.

accomplishment

i just took a walk around the U-shaped cul-du-sac ALL BY MYSELF! last friday, on a 1/3 mile walk to the neighborhood park, my brother & mom had to point out every large crack for me, so i didn't trip over anything (yet, i still tripped once on a large crack & stumbled a bit up a hill). so this is HUGE. and i had to take a rest after each leg of the walk...& here i am, energized instead of tired! still, i have to learn to look around at things while moving...non-moving objects seem to be moving very fast around me still & i *really* need that to stop, for the sake of future driving, walking & so my stomach will stop getting nauseous during car rides.

anyway, i just thought i would share that with everyone. i know i discuss how annoying the ringing in my ear is & the facial numbness, but other things are going well. plus, as my doctor/surgeon pointed out, i do have a slightly crooked smile right now (which may or may not straighten out) BUT very famous & sometimes beautiful people have crooked smiles. he gave the example of bill clinton...i think that was an example of a more famous than beautiful person *smile* & today was the first time i noticed, that yes, i DO have a crooked smile & it's not so bad. sort of looks *smirky* & that's just unique enough to be okay.

now to figure out how to type a crooked *smile* lol.... hhmmm, ~smile* ??? does that work? `smile~ ?? any suggestions?

tired.

tonight, we are all tired. but i think this is good b/c it's being tired from doing things that are good. like going to the library. & adeline having a playdate with the crawford boys this morning at mcdonald's playground. & amelia deciding that she is superbaby who can crawl any sort of obstacle (we again found her upstairs, rummaging around...no one can remember who left the gate open).

i am feeling better in general & people who have seen me in the past few days say i seem much more myself. i think it's b/c there's not a lot of pain meds flowing through my veins now & that seems to help my mental & physical functions greatly. however, i get tired suddenly & it hits hard & then i start to hurt. but i'm doing a lot more than i anticipated i could do 2 weeks post-op.

saturday was a bit of a set back, sadly. right after the surgery the left side of my face has been totally numb (i've talked about this before, eh?) BUT the numbness has been regressing towards my left ear, leaving my eye, forehead, nose, lips, & most of my tongue not numb. good things! within 1 hour on saturday, i regained all the numbness plus some. so i freaked out. of course! i mean, i can barely taste food again (total bummer) & half my face feels like its not my own (which is *weird*). but i got passed that with the help of wes, my sister & brother-in-law (who's a therapist, what better timing for him to come for a visit as i'm totally bummed about this sudden numbing & he gave me a great mini-therapy-session...folks, he's *good*). i called OSU's ENT on-call & that doctor gave me some good info. i feel a lot better about it now, even though the numbness isn't much better from saturday. i tell myself "take heart, heidi, statistics show this will go away in a few months". i mean, if this is the worst side effect from brain surgery, then so be it. i have my wonderful life to live with my hubby & girls & family & friends & all that shizzaz. viva la viva! (i think that was totally wrong, but who cares?)
***
today we ventured to the library where *sadly* adeline couldn't find any dora books (how can all 48 dora books be checked out?!) but she did find a very large book filled with dozens of curious george stories. *sigh* i was trying to hide the two copies of that book & she spied it before i could throw them to the other shelf. i love that she enjoys reading & that she laughs out loud to curious george stories but they ARE long & when drool starts to come out of the left side of my mouth as i read her these stories (drool that i can't feel until it splatters on the page *gross* & yes, *funny*) well, it just makes for a long good night story time & an even more numb mama.
***
my mom is still here helping with EVERYTHING. which is so great & we get along really well. some time during my adolescent years i learned to be very honest with her (not so much in a good way then) so we're able to function well with each other now. she can usually see that i need a rest & i then agree (she says i'm a good patient b/c i take time to rest & regain strength) & off she goes playing with the girls, doing laundry, making lunch, bringing me water or tea, trying to figure out where everything goes... i am not looking forward to her leaving which i guess means i'm not fully healed yet b/c i'm guessing when i'm ready to take over mothering/housewife duties, i will send her home happily. but i do think she misses my dad & my dad misses her. whoever decided to have mapleton school district (where my dad teaches) start mid-august is STUPID. so there. b/c if they didn't start so soon, my dad could be down here also! doing things like teaching addy that farting means she's shooting ducks. & when she's shooting ducks, she's called BUBBA. lol. it's pretty funny to hear adeline call herself *bubba*. she can shoot ducks with the best of them, lol.

& tomorrow is *the hair cut day* for me! egads, what am i going to do with my quarter shaved noggin? my sister is taking me & so i think there will be much deliberation over what in the heck style to choose. my hair is too short to just cut across & let it go unnoticed. (if you remember, i found out about the tumor right AFTER i had my hair cut short. great timing, eh?). maybe if i'm feeling zany i'll post some pictures. someone mentioned a pink dye job may be in order. i dunno about that; been there, done that...after a few washes in my blond hair it looks peach, sooo...
***
one sad thing that i need to clarify...yes, i can hold my girls while sitting & i've even ventured into holding her while standing (she's only 21.5 pounds & the cut off for me to lift/hold is 20). BUT i have a monkey for an amelia & she just doesn't let herself be held for longer than 29.2 seconds before she spies something she wants to climb or chew on. she is in a walk & show stage, but i don't think i can do all the lifting her up & down that it involves. but i just miss snuggling with my amelia. HOWEVER, today adeline & i had a slumber party for nap time in the playroom on the floor mattress. it was a lot of fun as addy has nearly 12 stuffed animals to line up in a certain order that only she knows. she fell asleep with her wee little hand in mine.

so what's going on, blog world? i'm here all day, checking away to see what others are writing. maybe i'm the only one with time on my hands! i have these paragraphs all out of order tonight, sorry readers. figure it out *smile*

AND MY BABY IS TURNING 1 SOON. omg.

thankful & maybe a wee bit sad

this is just going to be a very honest post. are you bracing yourself? *wink*

so i'm just not sure how to react or explain or *whatever* about this whole brain tumor/brain surgery situation. part of me wants to downplay it, you know--oh it's not that big of a deal, it's the best type of brain tumor to get, i'm doing fine, etc, etc. or do i let it all go & say that yes, the side effects of the surgery are very irritating & make me self-conscious (more than i was as a teenager!) & i feel like frankenstein when out in public, & i still cry a bit when i think about the surgery, etc etc. i for sure am not into getting 'pity'...so i'm trying to avoid people feeling sorry for me, but i want to be honest enough to say 'no this wasn't the easiest experience ever'.

yet, i am amazingly *thankful* for the team of doctors that helped me through this. AND for the SHOCKING amount of prayer support & cards & meals & email & facebook encouragements. it brings me to my knees when i actually *sit* down & think about the scope of people who are praying for my recovery & prayed over the surgeons & the operation in general. i can now attest that god is working now & i want to continually throw myself down & thank HIM for how well the surgery went, for the team of surgeons & nurses, & for my (so far!) steadfast healing.

my last few days in the hospital i was in the 'burn recovery unit' & while i was up, wearing my own pj's & walking around holding desperately onto wes' arm for stability, i saw so much pain in other rooms... it's hard not to downplay this surgery & recovery, b/c, well i AM recovering amazingly fast. when i think '11 days ago i had brain surgery'...that thought sounds almost silly. as if i should be lying in a bed drooling with some ginormous head turban on babbling about something that makes no sense. but instead, this morning i went to a farmer's market, yesterday i walked the 1/3 mile & back to the neighborhood park (resting throughout) & am nearly off my heavy-duty painkiller meds. it seems a bit ridiculous to complain a bit about half my face being numb, about the loud ringing in my ear, how i sorta look like a toddler when i walk, the head rushes when i go from sitting to standing, THE FACT THAT I CAN'T PICK UP OR HOLD AMELIA OR ADELINE FOR 2 MORE WEEKS (that last one is the saddest one of all...i mean, i won't be able to hold my baby millie during her birthday party! *SNIFF SNIFF*).

i guess what i'm getting to is what is that balance between being to-the-moon-thankful to be alive & thankful that i live in a time when this surgery is done with such minor side effects (100 & even 80 years ago, i most likely would've died during the operation) & yet also allowing myself to grieve & be sad for the side effects & restrictions? it's very helpful to have my parents around b/c they have been through several knee replacements surgeries (my dad) & then also my dad's diverticulitis/osis & partial colon-removal surgery & then my mom's ongoing problem with her thyroid...they just seem to have a lot of wisdom about all the ups & downs with pre & post-op.

i'm just hoping, praying, wishing that by this time next week i will be recovering at the same clip that i am right now. maybe i be able to move my head from side to side without telling my muscles to do it. maybe i will be able to walk without worry that i'm going to lean to the right & nearly fall over or trip over a stupid little twig or crack in the sidewalk. just like when i was pregnant, i feel that i am even more thankful when my body is healthy & thriving.

and folks, tomorrow i have the green light to wash my hair & take a SHOWER! (my incision line is too far down on my neck to cover it with the gauze & plastic wrap, so i was just told to do washcloth baths...which *SUCK* in case you are wondering). soooo, tomorrow in the a.m. i will be gleefully washing my hair (gingerly around the incision & buzzed hair part, yes) & this week i am getting a hair cut/style so my hair doesn't look totally lopsided b/c one side has about 3 more inches on the other incision side that was buzzed. i dunno what i'm going to do, what style to pick. can't be a pixie b/c my buzzed section still looks a bit like a thick beard & the incision REALLY is visible (damn blond hair)...any suggestions?

***
in other news, the girls are doing great. adeline is now a dancing, prancing, fiend & runs around our house shouting things like 'MA-MA!' or some other sort of exciting thing she's thinking about. she is now deciding to usually put underwear on instead of going around the house naked from the waist down (see, we are improving on nearly every front). she asked me the other day to show her how to write an M. i tried, but didn't succeed like gma sue was able to. & adeline is all over me with hugs & love pats & 'oohhhhs' when she spies my incision (we explained to her about me going to the hospital for my ear & that i now have an owwwiiiee, so she knows i am not my old self at this point). she's really into holding my hand & that is so sweet, let me tell ya.

amelia is ... well, just watch an episode of curious george & that's pretty much her. she's curious about everything & even though she's teething, she is still pretty happy-go-lucky & smiling. i am soo sad that i can't hold her (she's in a hold & walk with me stage with teething right now). i miss snuggling with her more than i care to admit right now. she's a climbing fool & loves to speed crawl to show off every time the stair gate is opened...currently, she can get to an open stair gate faster than i can, sad to report, lol.

wes had a *tough* week at work. his office is moving from the polaris area to delaware, ohio (oh, 25 minutes away) & him & 4 other guys were the movers. needless to say, he's very sore right now. plus, the entire new company (they used to be employed by weyerhauser & now the new company is called 'redbuilt') anyway, all the workers got a 10% pay cut to keep the new company afloat. which sucks b/c he also just got promoted to some title of head/lead/manager for engineering. it's not like we're all tangled up & in love with money, buuuttt, we are a 1 income family already on a tight budget. *smile*, now an even tighter budget, lol. we'll make it, though! you've never met a mind like wes' when it comes to saving money & making things out of nothing. he's the only person i know who somehow gets a promotion while the company is downsizing. that sort of thing. i can't wait for our first date out when i'm feeling up to it.

lunch is ready, time to eat (& yes, i'm very thankful i don't have to make it...gotta love my parents).

my girls are HOME

so yesterday was a good day. exhausting, but in a nice way. i went out of the house for the first time! you know, as in 'let's take you to a place where no one else knows you just had brain surgery'. so....off to costco we went! (my mom & i). the car ride was not good; i'm still getting VERY dizzy when i'm outside & especially when things around me are moving quickly. so driving 45 mph = head spinning for me. so while my mom drove, i had my eyes closed most of the time (but i did see the red light she went through, *wink wink*). then we got to costco & my mom sort of just said that she would drop me off & i was like 'naaahhhh, i can walk it' & then she pointed out that from the car to the store was the about as far a distance that i've walked so far & i was like 'hhmm, right-ee-o what to do now?' so i sat in the costco cafe after the tiresome walk into the store & to the cafe area. wes joined me to eat his lunch there (i had eaten at home) & there i sat until check-out. on the way home, i was treated to a small mcdonald's french fry! yummy. (i haven't had any sort of fatty foods in about 10 days, soo it just tasted to good, lol).

pic of me before our outing. i look slightly zombit-ish in this pic for some reason. or maybe like frankenstein?! lol.

this is the board i made for adeline & amelia when on their 'vacation' to gma & gpa gerbicks. each day, there was a little note to be read to them & then a sticker. then there was the big shopping bag filled with wrapped little gifts & on the gift was a sticker than coordinated with the sticker on each day. (hhmm, i hope that makes sense). apparently it went over well!

wednesday afternoon, after my busy morning of stretches & a longer walk (you know, down to the corner, 4 houses down, lol...think geriatric walk), then costco...i laid down for a nap. 20 minutes into my sleep i was disturbed by a voice i hadn't heard in 9 days: addy screaming "MAMA MAMAMA MAMAMAMAMAMAM" & watched as she danced & pranced around & hurled herself into the bed & gave me one of the best hugs ever. by this time i was crying & exuberance is one word to describe that moment.

i have been trying to avoid thinking about how much i miss the girls & it all hit me at that moment & i just wanted to squish them & hold them & love on them all night.
AND holy crap, gma sue did SO MUCH with them & they had gobs of fun. BUT being the wonderful gma & teacher that she is, sue taught adeline how to write an A! can you believe it?! it's true. i'll have to take a picture to show the proof.

& just this afternoon, i went to see dr welling at his office & my staples were taken OUT.

read first: if you the least bit squeemish, don't look at these pictures!

so here are some post-op pics. yea, say it with me: eewwww, gross.
my incision, stitches, & staples. nope, i haven't taken the time to count them. feel free to do that!

this is where they held my head in place during surgery. i have 4 of these spots on my skull. they're not deep, though, i believe just enough to keep my head in place. but enough to also make me go "eww".

so what else do i have to share? hhhmm.
i had my first recurring dream about the surgery last night. ugh. it was a play by play of pre-op...which included me getting a central line iv in addition to one in my wrist b/c they couldn't get a vein from either arm. (i have to drink pints of water quickly before i get any blood taken b/c my veins like to hide). so i'm laying in a bed, covered up to my neck in a white sheet & blanket. dr gupta (pronounced: GOOP-tah), the anestegiologist, is telling me that once they get a vein he will give me something to make me feel less anxious & be very content. then they put an oxygen thing up my nose & a tarp with a wee window over my head & explains that they have to do a central line through my neck b/c of my stubbornly small veins. then he says, as he scubs my neck with some very cold liquid, that are putting a needle in my neck...egads, do i cry & a nurse is holding my hand under the tarp & dr gupta keeps telling me that this will only hurt for about 30 seconds & this was only the numbing needle! gosh, did that hurt. anyway, he has to sort of lean into my head b/c i'm trying not to cry & move my head, but i do keep crying even after the shot to numb & i feel the pressure of the iv going in. AND HOLY CRAP DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THAT LINE IS?! i could see out the wee window dr gupta pushing more, more, more of the tubing into my veins....my neck hurts right now just thinking about it. so then after the iv & tubing stuff were in, dr gupta tried to send me to la-la-land with the happy juice but that still didn't work & i was still terrified & i believe shivering, so more happy juice was given to me & another blanket. then this is where my dream abilities take over. then this other dr walks close by & asks gupta, 'is this your crane today?' & dr gupta responds 'yes, this is heidi & her surgery is coming up & she needs to be comfortable right now.' that all happened, but in my dreams, i sat up at that point & told that dr who had just made me a medical term (the 'crane' i'm guessing stood for craniotomy) so anyway, in my dream, i sat up & shouted to him: I HAVE A NAME. CALL ME BY MY NAME. but like i said, that didn't happen & i just laid there as dr gupta put this rude dr in his place & then shortly after that i was wheeled in the OR & saw half of dr welling's smiling face saying good morning to me & asking me if i was ready for the anesthesia. i think i was still crying at this time & i weakly replied 'yes' & the last thing i remember, both in reality & in dream land, is breathing in with the nose mask on. the next thing i heard was dr gupta patting my cheeks lightly & saying 'wake up sweet heidi, wake up, you need to wake up sweet heidi, time to wake up'... & that's my recollections from that part of july28. now thankfully its only in my dreams & memory.

***
today i'm doing okay. i have this severe amount of numbness over the left side of my face & as the day progresses, the numbness creeps over to the right side also. which is so irritating! i keep biting my tongue or cheek & it still hurts, but in a different way. i am walking pretty good, but turning my head slightly the to the left or right is very difficult & sends the room spinning around me. i'm trying to get off the more hard-core pain meds before the girls get home on wednesday, but that may not be realistic until this weekend. who knows, just going day by day. there's also this intense ringing in my ear....sort of like a lawn mower is sitting right next to me! yea, so that's annoying, too.

so if you want to come see me, go for it, but i can't promise that i'll be chatty or even awake, lol. i just am a wee bit out of it right now, lol. just a bit. & if you call, i may be up for talking or not, but thanks for all the calls, emails, letters/cards, meals, prayers already. i barely know what day it is, but i do know that it's nearly lunch time...