3 months

last week marked month 3 since harold-removal surgery. i can't believe it's been 3 months! & i still feel like crap-ola!! that i can't believe as well. i didn't expect to *POOF* feel better, but this feeling worse for the past 6 weeks has really put a damper on my outlook.

here's a shot of the incision site. yes, my hair grows pretty darn fast, as every person who's ever cut my hair more than once has told me. you can barely even see it, eh?

here's a closer look at the bottom of the incision, which starts on my neck & goes up nearly my hand length.

so what's getting worse? well, my facial numbness is slowly creeping back to the same locations that were numb nearly right after the surgery. for example, my lips & tongue weren't numb any longer & over the past month the numbness has come back & then once it's back in that area, it continues to become more numb. yes, i'm freaking out about this b/c *holy hell* what if it's going to stay like this my entire life?! i don't mean to be all doom & gloom, but numb lips & tongue mean i can't taste food very well (most things have a metallic taste, especially water) & let's not even open the can of worms about kissing my husband...try kissing right after you've had dental work done--there that's about as wonderful as it is. plus the migraines & headaches. & dudes, the right side of my body (opposite the surgery side) is screaming this to me: SLEEP ON YOUR LEFT SIDE, I'M SQUISHED! my hips hurt from sleeping in the same position (when i sleep on my left side--wow--do i get a headache & general head & neck pain after that, even if i was sleeping or laying on the left side for 2 minutes). my energy level is at about *zero* & my pain level about 7 (for those who've gone through painful experiences, yes, ouch!) when i don't have some sort of anti-inflammatory in me.

i know, i'm happy to be alive & have harold out of my brain. i'll shout it: I'M ALIVE! I'M HAPPY TO BE ALIVE! I'M THANKFUL! I HAVE JOY! I HAVE A TUMOR FREE BRAIN! but according to my surgeon, these side effects are not normal, especially lasting this long. my continued pain level is not normal. the migraines are not normal. & here's the hilarious part--he doesn't think it's something he should deal with anymore! what? he's only done over 800 of these surgeries & he doesn't know what to do when a patient has side effects like this? so they recommend i go to a neurologist. & who they recommended isn't even at osu b/c osu neuro's are booked solid for 3 months (including the one who drilled into my skull). it just seems that i'm getting *the great brush off*. but this time they're not being stupid enough to say 'it's your hormones'. maybe b/c they know that side effects of this tumor & surgery are mood swings (seriously) & yea, telling me something stupid is just not a good idea right now. *smile*

so...i am thankful to have had this brain surgery with two world class, experienced surgeons (plus wonderful anesthesiologist, dr gupta! let's not forget him...he was so wonderful). but if it's one thing that the brain tumor has taught me: i'm the only one (well, & my family) who's truly concerned about my health. i'm the one who has to push for answers. b/c medical professions seem to care about the big procedure, the life threatening stuff. not the stuff that makes daily life difficult or miserable or is difficult to diagnose.

i just have to say this: our health care system may need reforming for financial reasons, but it also needs a reform in patient care. dr's need to stop getting into medicine to make money & be recognized. it needs to be b/c they want to see their patients become healthy on their watch. i went into social work b/c i wanted to help people. psychologists/psychiatrists do their thing b/c they want to help people & have much better follow up than all the medical dr's i have ever seen. the part missing in the whole debate about health care reform would be patients' rights & advocacy (well, except that whole deal with the elderly quality of care or something). it's hard for me to believe that i just had brain surgery 3 months ago & now am having some sort of complication or side effect & *no one* from the hospital that i just had this surgery at has the office time to see me. ABSURD comes to mind. FRUSTRATING. MADDENING. i'm not a big fan of political action committees, but folks, am i ever ready to start one (if i felt well enough to do this, lol--this is why patient & surgery recovery isn't on the menu! b/c we're all too busy feeling like shit to be able to do anything about it!).

***

okay, okay, i'm done. stay tuned tonight or tomorrow for beggar's night pictures (tonight!) & a visit with my grandma today. i just got a call from my uncle (whom my grandma lives with right now) that she put together one of her *famous* apple pies for our visit. i just have to put it in the oven. yum yum yum.

double meaning day

so monday adeline went to her first day of preschool & it was also month 2 after harold removal. to all you grandparents, aunts & uncles anxiously awaiting her pictures, sorry it took so long! (the past few days have been a bit harrowing). i'm hoping to get this post done today--we'll see! these kids to not seem to like me being on the computer at all.

adeline, right before walking out the door on her first (full) day of preschool!

#1
adeline was giddy getting ready for 'cools' as she calls school. she put her clothes on with *gusto* & was smiling & laughing when we would ask her what she was going to do today ('COOLS'!!). once dressed w/ shoes on, she was opening the garage door to leave, trying to tote around her heavy backpack...it was just plain adorable, folks. she wanted to go to school, she didn't want to leave. the only slight discomfort happened when we (yes, wes was with us, of course--first day of school!) walked away towards the steps & door...adeline cried out 'mommy!! mommy!!' & my heart was shredded & i turned back rather quickly for my healing balance nerve (didn't fall over, thankfully) & was ready to scoop her up saying 'she'll be ready next year!' & take her home. but then the teacher leaned over & handed her little bear (yes, little bear went along for school) & adeline sorta looked at me like 'it's under control now, you can go please' & then she walked into the classroom, head held high. amazing.

what's even more amazing is that i didn't cry about it until amelia & i got home. it was only a few tears, then amelia decided to take the chance & get my undivided attention for the next 2.10 hours. actually, i think amelia missed her sister the most as she was crying & pouting & crawling around with this lost look on her face. when adeline hopped into the car after school amelia was nearly bouncing the car with her happiness.

the happy duo pre preschool

amelia missing her sister as we were waiting to pick up adeline

adeline bounding out of school

***

#2

month 2, post harold removal
my hair grows very fast so you can barely see where the incision is, except at the bottom.

i am still experiencing most of the side effects, but they come & go in severity. i still feel like i've been hit by a truck, run over or what have you...but things around here are slightly normalizing. i don't want to use this blog to complain, so i'm just going to stop here, but things are still difficult & i am excited to heal completely.
***
as for today & this week, it's just been a difficult one. amelia is up for hours at night crying. amelia is grumpy during the day, especially when adeline is gone. i've woken up with a killer migraine once & bad head & muscle aches the other days. today i'm on my way to a play group for amelia's 'friends' & was hit (slow speed, thankfully) on the driver side. it wasn't my fault (i admitted i didn't turn my blinker on to park on a residential one way street curb. who does?!) but the other driver was calling me a liar, etc & told the police that i was lying. lovely. i'm thinking, what do i have to lie about?! it appears that he's just trying to turn it into my fault (passing someone on the left side on a one way residential street? i think that's not my fault he hit me, eh?). after the cop mentioned something about being in the twilight zone (b/c our stories were different, i dunno) i just stopped disputing this guy, let him rant about how i was lying about *everything* showing the cop how it was in a different location that where it was, etc. i think eventually the cop understood what was going on, i mean, he deals with this type of situation at least once a day i'm sure--he'll be able to tell the person who's telling the truth from not. but it's just so frustrating! so now we're letting our insurance co's duke it out. no one was hurt, although amelia was in the car with me which freaks me out. what if we were hit harder? what if adeline had been in the car (her door took the brunt of the hit). i'm just ready for things to stop happening to us. no more tumors, pay decreases, huge medical bills, minor car accident, illness. gosh, i just want to wake up feeling good & *knowing* it will be a good day.

a quick post from the hospital

well, hello folks! heidi here...i hope this post makes sense, lol. i am finally in my own room (& visitors are welcome!) & will most likely be going home tomorrow. crazy, eh? i have some great stories about needles & OR rooms & such. those will most likely be saved for a more coherent time, though. but i'm up & walking with some help. in fact, i would be ready to go home if they had figured out a different medical concoction for me to take at home (apparently they don't like to prescribe morphine for patients to take home. which is okay b/c i'm not such a fan of morphine anyway).

right now i have some really simple goals, such as walking w/ assistance for balance around the nurses' station once an hour when awake (which totally wipes me out!) & sleeping longer than 2 hours at a time...the ICU was good for all the attention...but it was also very loud & there was nearly always some sort of exam or finger prick or something that had to be done.

hhmm, what to pray for? balance & numbness to improve, for sure. another is that tonight goes well, so i can go home! i can't wait to sleep in my own bed (properly filled with pain meds). i also don't like to find myself chewing on my tongue or cheek (gross).

& somehow the connection was just lost & part of this post is gone...sorry i am just too tired to re write. just wanted to let everyone know i'm sort of alive & kicking. but very tired *smile*. keep praying, i want this numbness to go away soon!

things to know!

first, this week is 'nude recreation week' apparently. so, folks, go outside & play in the nude! i know at my house, adeline has already embraced this celebration, lol.

second, amelia is 11 months old today! yes, this is truly unbelievable. it's as if yesterday i was holding my 2nd baby girl, so tiny i hardly believed she came from me. here's some pictures (of course, would you not expect pictures?)

if you look closely, (hhm, click on the picture?), this is when her left eye started to swell shut on friday. lovely, eh?

ballerina toes

i couldn't decide which i liked better, so...i'm just putting them both up.

she has 4 teeth (& we know a few more are working the way out), 1 dimple, is crawling & cruising, & knows how to seriously annoy her sister, lol. she is quite the spunky little one & is easily distracted by nearly everything...which is adorable to mess around with her.

third, wow, my surgery is tuesday. wow. wow. wow. so wes is going to possibly be doing some updates while the surgery is going on through the blog. i don't know, i think it's just something to keep him occupied. after my afternoon on friday turned sour, the evening perked up. saturday morning we went to soaking prayer at the vineyard & is was amazing. it's as if our anxiety bubble was popped & we could relax. to sum it up: god was there & lavished some lovin' on us.

fourth, i went out with a group of my friends saturday night. lol. what a time, what a time. i was having such a hard time on friday trying to even *think* of what to do, so two of my friends just planned it for me (thank you, thank you carol & erin!). so we wined & dined at an italian restaurant in bexley, then per my friend christine's suggestion, we went to this small bar near her place in the victorian village. she ordered a pitcher, i think we were hit on by some ladies?, the music was loud, etc etc. the manager bought us another pitcher of beer...did i mention there was a dance floor w/ a disco ball? & i was like oh noooo, i'm not dancing, i suck at dancing, blah blah blah. christine decided it was high time to order harold a goodbye irish car bomb.

so...the last time i chugged an irish car bomb, well, it didn't end so well (puking at the base of a dumpster outside of barley's is pretty low...but i chugged two of them that time b/c my friend holli refused to drink hers, so, uh it was paid for & couldn't be wasted, right?!).
anyway, i somehow agreed to do this irish car bomb (which is a terrible name for a drink, eh?) with christine (a-hem, the mama of two beat the no-kids, college lady, ahem) & oh say 10 minutes later there were christine & i dancing under the stupid disco ball. yup, funny. i am sooo glad no one has a video. so glad.

carol, erin, christine, holli, kara, & judy (who drove me, thank heavens & boy does she have some interesting stories about me talking about planets on our ride home, lol)...thanks for a wonderful night out, even if it meant i had to take a few ibuprofen this morning.

fifth, wes & i went on a mini date tonight & out freakin car died! we so give it all up. i was ready to walk home, so serious. thankfully wes is knowledgeable with cars (growing up with your dad as a car dealer could do that to a person) & he figured out the problem (hhmm, the thing that holds the battery in place keeps loosening? so there was wes under the hood, yelling for me to 'turn the key' & i did & well, he was only shocked a few times. poor guy. it's nothing a call to AAA won't fix, thankfully (he would fix it himself, but i assured him we have enough stuff going on right now, just call AAA, why else do we pay them?!).

six, i keep telling myself: don't think of the surgery, don't do it, don't do it. we'll see; that works sometimes. i don't think i'm as anxious as i was last week. but my stomach is in a permanent knot & not a whole lot of food gets down there before it starts rumbling. there you have it: to lose some weight, get a brain tumor! anyway, my last day with harold...i just can't believe the surgery is upon me already.

mid-day meltdown

this morning, when i woke up i made a choice that today was for the two double a batteries, as my mom has nicknamed adeline & amelia. i would do whatever with them & have fun & sit on the floor or on they were leading me to do. adeline got to watch curious george before eating her breakfast & for her snack, we made a cereal-snack necklace (which she ate in a matter of 90 seconds, oh my goodness folks). amelia went down for a morning nap for the first time since last saturday! seriously, no joke...it's been a rough week to say the least.

then adeline & i did the *great missing puzzle piece search* & we found all the pieces that have been missing for the past few weeks (AHA: the 'h' was hidden under a side table) then we put all the puzzles together. we did laundry, etc & once amelia woke up, played in the playroom. lunch went well & everyone was pleased with daddy's grilled hot dogs even though all our bread & buns were moldy (how does that happen when we JUST bought them?!)...btw: we didn't eat the moldy bread. we ate the hot dogs a la atkins diet.

after wes left i promised adeline a walk around the neighborhood...she directed me towards the park, naturally. amelia started to cry along the way; then she started to belt it out, crying, crying, crying. i took her out & let her sit on the steering bars of the stroller. she was happy. at the park, things took a big turn for the worse. amelia's nose is running non stop & then her eye starts to swell shut!

what.is.going.on.???

we make it home, call the ped & speak with a nurse. long story short, it's probably her allergies again. the allergies we thought she had, then didn't think she had, so stopped her meds a few months ago, & now again it's happening. all over. thanks dr sotos from wednesday's appointment when i mentioned that something is amiss in amelia. (that was filled with sarcastic anger, in case you didn't catch that). did you even take the time to read her chart (b/c our usual ped is on vacation). oh wonderful dr sotos, you could have picked up up on this one had you cared to take the time.

for the past 90 minutes i have yet again been wrestling with a baby, trying my hardest to get her to sleep. b/c she's exhausted & on ibuprofen & benedryl (per nurse recommendations) & her eyes are all red & her nose won't stop running continuous snot into ther mouth. instead amelia fights me & is kicking & flailing her head & arms every which way. i finally get her to sleep & adeline walks in talking loudly & wakes amelia up.

I GIVE UP. i am admitting defeat today; i feel trampled on & worn down from everything going on. i don't have the energy to even know what else to do for amelia. yea i took an anxiety pill awhile ago & here i am, still losing it. i just keep wondering if it's asking too much of god to intervene & at least heal amelia's allergies or virus or whatever the hell is going on with her. that bullshit line of 'god only gives you what you can handle'...well, that's what it is, bullshit. b/c right now, this week, i am way over my head of what i can handle. beyond it, to the moon, as adeline would say.

i have never doubted in god before. i've strayed away, all the while knowing he was there, with me, helping & guiding me & shielding me from the terrible blows. but not this week, i am just admitting that i feel totally alone. i hear from nearly everyone that they are praying for me & here i am, when i need to feel god most, i feel nothing but anxiety & sadness & overwhelmed with the stress of a pending *huge* surgery & sick kids with asses for pediatricians. i don't know exactly what i'm saying here about god & all, but what i am asking for is *more* whatever that means b/c my choice to have a good day has totally been over-ridden with more illness & confusion & frustration to the point where choosing to have a calmness about me is beyond my control.

so yea. what.the.hell.is.going.on. it's not like i'm job or something. right, god, right?

tumor talk

we were at the new facilities of dr welling; he has the corner office on the 4th floor of the brand-spanking new osu medical center. it all smelled brand new & in the waiting room they have this huge tv showing episodes of csi! wes & i were like "cancel the appointment & let's have a cheap date!" lol but we kept the appointment. but then as we were walking out we had the idea to also just tell my aunt that the appointment went waaay over & then sit & watch csi shows sans kids in someone else's a/c. *sigh* again, we didn't.

wes was very nervous before this appointment...you can tell wes is nervous when he starts cracking weird jokes & doing farting noises with his mouth & trying out all the office equipment & biting his cuticles off til they're bloody. (this is exactly how he was during the first part of amelia's labor, when i was lapping the nurses around their station going 'i don't think i'm really in labor, folks'). no worries, he does much better once the show is on the road, or the labor becomes more intense, or the doctor walks in, or i'm assuming once i'm wheeled into the waiting room at osu. BUT he did say on the way out of the appointment "you didn't tell me that dr welling was the otolaryngology version of your uncle curt" & it struck me that, yes, that's who he reminds me of. so there you have it, heidi's family, dr welling will remind you of curtis frame (well, a tad bit shorter).

anyway! get on with it already, heidi!

so dr welling arrived in the exam room & all began well. he started at square one explaining to wes what the tumor is exactly, what the 3 course of action options are, & which one he leans towards & why. listening to it all again, i had moments of de ja vu when i finally remembered answers to questions i had; you know "oh yea, he did tell me that last time, DOI". then he asked if we had any questions; wes & i laughed & wes pulled my 6 x 8" notebook out. we had filled 2 pages with questions! & one was even written like this: wes' lengthy question (4 symptoms).

i won't bore you with all the details of the answers or each odd question, but the basic gist is that my tumor is at the size that makes it a very good candidate to be taken out now, without further risking any more nerve involvement. it's a good sign that most of my symptoms aren't severe & that i have most of my hearing & best of all, that my hearing clarity is 100%. he is predicting (but ensured that we understood that he can not actually predict the future) that i will not have a lot of facial muscle/nerve problems post-op. they will take my balance center completely out of my left side, which will cause problems post op (my right side will have to teach the left side of me to balance again. post-op, once out of the icu & hospital, the more i move the better my balance will become. they've tested this on monkeys, apparently). he is estimating that i will be able to go back to most daily activities, such as walking around & driving by 4 weeks...but i will be very exhausted by it. & i can't lift or bend over past my knees for 3-4 weeks, either (sorry, girlies). by 6 weeks, he is predicting i could be back to my daily job; which is an awesome & scary thought (for some reason).

what are some other highlights? well, to put my skull back together (as they will take approximately a 1 x 1" hunk out to enter the tumor site) they will use titanium plates & bone cement. seriously, bone cement is their term. what's fairly humorous to me is that wes was joking that he would invent some sort of 'skull caulk' to help keep my skull in tact (this was supposed to make me feel better about my fears that my brain will fall out of the incision site). & i will get to be on some hardy narcotics pre & post op...not sure how i feel about that, especially since i am very sensitive to strong meds.

& then i'm allowing myself to be entered into this new research project about facial muscle weakness...hard to explain briefly, but basically they will give me some anti-viral meds during & after the surgery, hoping to lessen the chances of a possible virus that gives a late-effect facial muscle weakness (hhm, i wouldn't be able to fully close my left eye or my smile would be not as full on the left side or my mouth would be pulled up when i'm not smiling. weird stuff, eh?) so this med may help deter that from occurring a week post-op, which is when this seems to creep up on harold victims.

i do feel better about the whole situation & it was wonderful to have wes there to help me remember all that he told us (& for the odd humor effect, as well). so now 19 days pre-op, i am doing probably the best since the diagnosis, which isn't saying much...but still. i'm not crying every 4 (or 2) hours like i was for awhile. minor improvements!

& i get to wear a turban! (i'm trying to make this a positive thing here, folks) just for a few days in the hospital. but i may request a helmet to drive home in. just in case we get in a fender-bender & my head hits the back of the seat really hard & my brains fly out the incision site. i think if i don't have a helmet on i will be holding the back of my head the entire drive home (just in case!). i do cherish my brains, really.

AND i don't have to have this certain surgery that requires the tumor site to be filled with belly fat! YYYIIIIPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEE! once paige (my tumor friend) told me about that part of her surgery i started to really freak out b/c it means they do this minor lipo-suction of belly fat (not such a bad thing, but EEWWW) & then seal that up & place a similar tumor size amount of belly fat into the former tumor site (to keep things in place? i dunno, i didn't exactly go into detail about the 'why's' of that situation). but the terrible part of that is the 'seepage bag' that would be attached to my stomach from the mini-lip job. you know, blood & such would be seeping out. gag me, right? one good thing about this surgery being on the back of my head is that i don't have to see the stitches (which it will be stitches & not staples, btw) & so this really threw me for a loop. long story short, i don't have to have this. which is good b/c i was going to start looking around for a donor, lol.

did i mention that dr welling has performed 800 of these surgeries? *800*. that's a lot. i don't think i've done anything that major 800 times. have i even done 800 loads of laundry? (okay, probably; bad example). i feel like i'm in good hands. wes agrees.

19 days to go...

how to unclog a 3 story laundry chute

it's important to figure out before you do laundry for the week (all of it) that there is still dirty laundry stuck in the laundry chute. muy importante!

1. do not attempt to throw heavy or bulky items down the chute, such as a men's size 12 sneaker or even a 6 pack of canned chicken. it will only make the 'stuckedness' more stuck.
2. also, do not attempt to pick at the clothes from the top with fire place prongs. this also does not work. this method will also probably get the fire place prongs stuck in the chute as well & will most likely wake up your children with all the loud banging of aluminum, swearing, & such that goes on with this whole specific task.
3. do not try to use a kid's toys, such a pretend leaf blower or a child's broom. they may also become lodged in the chute & make additionally loud noises & increase swearing & mumbling of children who were previously sleeping soundly.
4. do not attempt to use any type of plastic CPVC pipe, as this will bend due to the severe stuckedness of these clothes.
5. what you should do folks, is have two adults on hand. one, preferably the one with the most upper body strength should take a very long steel tube (1.000 15g tjl webstock, to be exact. for those who work with wes, you know what the heckle he's talking about. for everyone else, just find a freaking long hunk of metal, tear it from your closet if necessary). anyway, the stronger adult will then lift, from the basement, the tube to the 2nd (ahem, less strong) adult who is waiting with the chute open to grab the tube. then the stronger adult will then come to the 2nd floor to somehow lift up the clothes to the less strong adult who has bounded up the stairs (as the more strong adult is straining to say "they're moving, get them) who can then reach in, straining the neck muscles, & grab the clothes.
6. do not try to resend the clothes down all at once b/c they may just become stuck. again. ("well, shit.")
7. repeat if necessary (with harold hanging around, this was necessary).
   

***

& now here is how not to get a good picture of a mama & her girls:

{okay, note amelia & adeline's expressions; they are so cute...& oppposite?}

& b/c wes told me that these pictures were good, that we were all smiling & my glasses didn't cover my eyes like they are, well, i'm putting a great picture of him up today. *smile*

***

we visited my grandma today & caught some good pictures.

only of amelia & grandma great hazel b/c adeline refused to sit on her lap. refused! i think my grandma's feeling were a wee bit hurt...but i manipulated adeline into sitting next to her while grandma read a curious george book. mama knows best. i then filled my grandma in on harold (she already knew. word spreads fast through my extended family, apparently).

what else? we had our 2nd 'harold-erapy' appointment today (therapy on how to deal with this harold-esque situation). apparently, i am dealing pretty darn good. wes is being a dude, which i normally would find a bit stereotypical & annoying & a discriminatory & stereotypical comment, but for freaks sake, it's true (such as not talking about it, withdrawing & concentrating on other things, getting a bit grumpy... which is not like wes). i was told to probably not get too involved in online chats with other patients, to keep taking anxiety meds, to distract myself with god-given wonderful things (such as tv, books, gardening, my kids, shopping, cleaning; not in that order necessarily, lol) & to find some time each day to think about harold, only when i feel god's presence. it as recommended that wes make more attempts to converse (*smile*) about harold or anything that has something not to do with gardening (his topic of choice for the past 3 weeks), to smile more around his girls & take adeline out for events, such as one-on-one ice cream (can't beat that!).

tomorrow we're off to cinnamon lake & ashland for the fireworks & balloon glow. why doesn't columbus have something neat for kids like a balloon glow & lift off?

heidi, out for the weekend. everyone have a good one!

my mantra today is:

do not cry. not right now.

i was having a fine day at first. the girls slept in until 7:10, yea! hubby let me lie in bed until 7:30 while he got up with the munchkins. (thank you). i did some daily cleaning stuff, no biggie. check my mail. went into AN forum. didn't exit for quite a while. check other AN patient's blogs. & then the mantra started: do not cry, not right now.

i have to be a mom, cleaning & making lunches & doing nap times & such. today my struggle is if i'm making the right decision with having surgery over a form of radiation. all things to *try* not to worry about until i meet with my doctor on july 8th. he is willing to do either of them (surgery or radiation) but explained to me why surgery is best for me, my symptoms, my age, my tumor. AAHHHH. i just want to go back to last month when our biggest concern was addy's language delay & figuring out what the heck is eating our side veggie garden (still have no answer for that, but whatever it is has pretty much destroyed it).

i think i have been fairly absent with my mothering duties today. adeline is now pulling my hand away from the keyboard. then she moves to the slide, banging her legs into the side, making very loud noises & then she just stares at me with this smile that screams: come on, get outta your chair & come get me. she wants to fly to the moon on her swing outside. amelia is nicknamed 'clingon' today, as is clings-on-mama-constantly. i feel my kids reacting to my anxiety. griswold sleeps by my side of the bed at night. he lays down nearly on top of me when i'm on the floor. my kiddoes are suddenly wanting to be attached to me.

if only there was a way to tell the future, eh?

***

also, i totally forgot to post this! at amelia's 9 month (but nearly 10 month) check up, her stats are as follows:
20.9 pounds (71%)
28.0 inches (54%)
she is one giggly ball of hair & chunk. we also missed her 10 month birthday (last friday).

***

kids are opening & closing front door ??!!!?? must go

a whole new world out there

so i've joined this acoustic neuroma forum & i'm reading others stories. some pre-op are eerily familiar. some are totally different. some post-op make me cry & shake a bit. check out these blogs if you're interested:

http://threecurlygirlies.blogspot.com/

http://briansbrainbooger.blogspot.com/

these are the ones i've found tonight. tonight i had orignally just wanted to crawl into bed shortly after the girls went to bed (8 p.m.) but here i am, at 9:30, still at the computer. this forum is addictive! so many things to learn about, good & bad. it helps to talk & read posts from others who have gone through the same thing. ugh.

then there's paige from last week who says she feels nearly normal (except for the feeling that part of her face is coming out of novocaine constantly). it's great to hear that & i hope & pray & beg god that i feel that way 8 months post-op. but some things i just can't wrap my mind around, like my skull being drilled into or the possibility of my face being paralized (even if temporary for 6 months or so) or not being able to soothe by kids when i'm back home & hear them crying for mama.

i'm also just realizing how terrified i am of having facial problems. i know that may sound superficial, but hey, just being honest. yea, i would much rather live with facial paralysis than die of a (benign) brain tumor years down the road, but still. i want to smile. i want others to see my smile; not that's it's a million dollar one or anything, but it's a simple way to connect with others.

accepting the fear of this tumor & surgery is difficult, to say the least. the surgery side effects can be so life changing themselves...but the chance of them happening are minimal (the side effects) but i keep thinking 'what if?'.

maybe i just need to go take a no-jittery pill, read a book, & then go to sleep.

***
btw: adeline & amelia played alone in the playroom, together for 90 minutes today. i was in my bedroom cleaning, folding laundry, etc & could hear nothing but giggles coming from the playroom. when i went in to get amelia for her nap, adeline cried & held onto amelia's legs as i got up. it was so sweet! friends & sisters, nothing better.

baby bump

amelia fell out of her high chair this morning. crashed, head first onto the wood deck (they were eating breakfast outside). poor girl! she seems to have recovered nicely. according to our pediatric nurse, who we called nearly immediately, as long as the bump on the head is hard, it's all good. when the bump is soft, not good b/c it's then filled with fluid. she has a small, hard baby bump & scrape on her head. it's covered by her hair, though, lucky girl. i think she's doing just fine now, about an hour after the incident: she's crawling over adeline who's laying down on the floor watching tv, attempting to then climb up the slide, & now she just crawled into the kitchen to find something interesting in the cupboard to bring back to play with right beside her mama.

***
addy's new word is "yep". she says it with the most nonchalant, girly voice ever. i ask her questions just to get the 'yep' response. she is learning signs like crazy! these cards i bought at border's are amazing! AND amelia gave her first sign the other day ("more"). so apparently amelia is eyeing us down while i practice signs with adeline! smarty.

***
i tell ya, if curious george & sid the science kid weren't on tv, i wouldn't be able to blog...lol.

***
so last thursday a 'survivor' of an acoustic neuroma/vestibular schwannoma ("AN") came to visit me. we met on this chat board (i'm the 4th member, lol) but we all have the same doctor & they all had the same surgery. in case you didn't know this, AN can be in slightly different spots around the same area, so not all are the same or come with the same symptoms or concerns during surgery (different nerves may be wrapped up in the tumor from person to person). anyway, this woman, paige, has two kids (her youngest's name is amelia! who is 14 months) & had this surgery last fall, around thanksgiving. she is much less emotional than i am, but in a good way & gave me sooo much information. it was wonderful.

part of the wonderfulness was just seeing her. she could walk, talk, pick up her little one (her son was at a playdate); i think part of my fear is that some of the possible complications will change how i am, like my ability to smile or talk or whatever (read: i will look very different). she told me everything i wanted to know, holding nothing back. i feel much better, more knowledgeable after talking with her, meeting her. she even had some facial paralysis & total hearing loss in the operated ear (her right, my left). she told me the gritty details about some stuff, which it seems is better to hear the truthful gritty details instead of my great imagination taking all the possibilities & running away with it. i'm sure i'll keep referencing what paige told me over the next few weeks...safe to say it was helpful to meet with her.

***

wes & i went on a date friday night! yippee yea! we went to dinner & a movie, at easton. we really like the mexican restuarant there, abuelos & nearly always eat there when in easton sans kids. then we watched "away we go". it was pretty good per my report, not so great per wes' report. i thought since it was about parenting stuff he'd get a kick out of it, but in hindsight, i should've chosen 'the hangover' for us instead. sorry hubby. BUT there were some really funny scenes in this movie & i would recommend it...like the totally whacked "continuum parenting" people. i guess it just showed the diversity of parenting styles & how odd that specific one looks to others who are not like them?

the one thing i learned from the previews is that the book i just read "the time traveler's wife" is now a movie coming out in august or sometime around then. *sigh* don't know how i feel about it. i will FOR SURE watch it, but sometimes movies adapted from books just aren't as good as the books & then it warps my opinion of the book. plus i have my own thoughts of what the characters & scenes look like & this movie may be totally different! know what i mean? so i guess what i'm sayin': read the book before seeing the movie.

***
sid is over, must go.

ball game. with 4 kids 2 & under!

we did it! last night we went to the columbus clipper's game & we even stayed for most of the game! we had our girls & then my brother's twins. you would think that a ratio of 8 adults to 4 kids would be a good one. it helped, but the kids won out eventually (we left early). highlights? well, there was this huge jumping-room thing for the kids. pay $1 for 3 minutes of pure jumping joy. then the kid must exit jumping thing. if the kid is adeline, the kid will NOT want to exit & will crouch in the corner of the jumping thing & scream like her life is ending. of course, grandma is with her & is not the most excited about crawling into the jumping thing to retrieve screaming child, especially since she had amelia with her. thankfully, uncle cal was walking by & offered to go in & grab screaming banshee child who is making quite a scene. (the dude running the jumping thing asked cal: are you her dad? of course, cal is not but somehow the guy let cal take her with a simple 'i'm her uncle'... not sure how i feel about this, know what i mean? could anyone have said 'i'm her uncle' & taken a screaming kid away? so glad it was cal, anyway.) wes & i were watching the game! (no worries, we soon resumed our parental duties). as usual, i have inundated you with pictures:

aunt kristi getting some amelia lovin'
the not-so-smiling mascot.

chloe & zoe, the smiling mascots

addy is so grown up
OR
big body, little girl head.

millie is a fan of baseball! the older gentleman sitting beside me, while i was holding the clapping & shouting baby turned to me after millie had *thrown* her rattle maraca at him (& as i tensely awaited his reaction, is he friend or foe of babies?). anyway, he turned to me with a smile & the maraca & said 'she throws better than half of those guys out there, get her a uniform!' (*mama sigh of relief, he's a friend of babies)

millie also got a heat rash yesterday, which didn't freak us out at first, but as it continues to come & go & then get worse, then much worse, we are starting to worry. we gave her a dose of benedryl to hopefully help the healing...
nose shot of cal & kristi & my dad.

part of the fam (left - right): cal (my brother in law), my dad, my brother, leila (sis in law), uh, chloe & zoe (i am a terrible aunt & can not for the life of me tell them apart).

cousin hugs!

the clippers did NOT win. ah well. when we left (top of 7th inning?) i believe it was 11 to 0. oops.

prior to the game, we all met at our house for some pizza & to ready ourselves for what we were about to do: take 4 kids 2 & under to a minor league baseball game. nope, we didn't need beer (yet) either. we needed our wits about us, lol.

here is 3 of the adults pushing 3 of the kids on the swings.

(aunt) leila holding the baby amelia.

***
my parents came here friday morning to take care of the girls during the garage sale. here is a peek into their fun times (hint: dora is on tv).

***

& this, my friends, is what adeline & i created a few days ago. it is titled "daddy at work"

& yes, that would be wes, the weird smiling thing in the open window. this was addy's idea, i promise.
the stupid freakin annoying fuchsia hollyhocks. grrr.

little bear playing the emotion game with adeline & i. she is *surprised!*

adeline playing the emotion game. she is *sad*

***

so since i last posted, i have put together a garage sale, sold nearly nothing during the 7 hours of garage sale operation, & then torn down that stupid garage sale. we made about $80-some dollars (if you count what my friend judy owes me still, ahem, lol). it's really a good thing that this garage sale wasn't about making money!!! b/c we didn't. what was it for, then, you may be wondering? distraction. & for that, it worked beautifully!

i went through the first 12 months of baby clothes. remembered all the times they wore this or that & where & when that certain stain came from. i put aside some of my mama-favorites, like the squirrel outfit adeline had & the 'love me' super soft outfit millie wore most of the first month. i put aside the first outfits grandparents purchased for the newbies & then also some outfits just in case my sister does have a kid in the next decade.

i am not so much an emotional person over things like that. for instance, during our wedding ceremony, wes was the one crying. i get upset over travesties of life (like harold) or a child/baby/anyone dying or being terminally ill, i cry over heart wrenching movies & when my adeline gives me that garbled up 'i love you' sound. but not over certain things that others do. so i didn't cry watching the very few people who did buy our clothes walk away with our memories. b/c the clothes are just that, memories. & hey, we have pictures right? well, for freaks sake, we have the kids still, that's enough for me.

i did love organizing the clothes & cleaning out the garage. what i didn't love is waiting & waiting for people to show up. then when certain people did & saw it was obviously a baby sale, & then quickly turned around to walk away or the quick drive by's...not that pissed me off. i was on the verge of throwing tiny pebbles at them *smile*. but i didn't. so within 1 hour of shutting the garage door, all the stuff was dropped off at 'once upon a child' & is awaiting our pick up to see how much stuff they didn't buy. at which point i will post those on free-cycle or give to certain ladies-in-waiting expecting girls. i called our local once upon a child store & wow those ladies are gummmp-y! yikes. i wanted to know how much they give for onesies & such. she said something along the lines of 'we're full, maybe you should wait until july' to which i replied 'well, i just want it gone, so are you buying or not?' (i said this in a nice voice) & she replied 'yes, of course' & i was like 'uh, okay, we're bringing our stuff then...' ??? but they refused our bouncy seats b/c they are 'so full' blah blah blah. so we have some bouncy seats! i think i'm going to try craigslist...

at any rate, what shall i do next? the way i explained this to some people this week, this urge i have right now to hunker down in my house & organize or clean or purge things: it's like nesting at the end of a pregnancy. i want to have pictures up of the girls, i want our bedroom finished (complete with pictures of the girls, lol), i want our basement organized & our garage cleaned & our windows washed. i dunno, this may sound crazy to some. but the less i focus on harold & the upcoming surgery, the less anxious i am, the better mom & wife i am. there is a time each day, or several times, that i let myself sink into the thought of this tumor. then i cry & try not to let myself think of all the possible outcomes of surgery (or the much higher death rate if surgery is not chosen). my mom called this 'mourning', taking time to mourn the loss of this part of my life, this short while & then move on from those thoughts.

i usually am not a busy person. a perfect vacation to me is finding a place to sit in the middle of some sort of beautiful/stunning nature scene & not moving for quite a while (usually a book would accompany this not moving part). so this whole business of being busy is unusual to me & is possibly wearing me out, but the other option of freaking out on a near constant basis is much less appealing. so what's in my plans for the next few weeks?

• finishing our bedroom
• pictures
• ikea trip (to help finish our bedroom...they have this hamper... & their picture frames are a deal)
• trip *somewhere* alone with hubby
• clean basement
• set up a daily schedule for adeline to follow. (this was recommended by our pediatrician as a way for her to cope with being moved from grandma to grandma & being out of her house for awhile & then also suddenly have her main caretaker -me- switched to her grandmas. it will be complete with pictures & rewards & snack breaks & such. wes is excited to help set it up & print it off).in between that would be a 4th of july out of town (w/ my parents & nieces) & a few gatherings with friends here & there.
• 4th of july in ashland w/ parents & nieces & brother & sis in law.
  

we also checked off our to-do list getting the grandparent visits organized & scheduled for around harold-abduction time. it's a relief to have that done.
gah, enough of harold-esque situations!

phew, long post.

what a difference a week makes

last week, adeline didn't watch more than 1 (maybe 2 if she's very lucky) tv shows back to back. this week, right now in fact, we're on #3 for the morning. & yes, it's only around 8:45. *sigh* learning to let go & do anything possible to make everyone's lives a bit more easy, relaxed, etc.

***

yesterday amelia was like curious george or maybe even sid the science kid. she wanted to get involved in everything. i really enjoy this age, i think i've mentioned that before. i mean, what can be cuter than a baby crawling around learning how things work?! so yesterday she was stuck in these locations: bottom of exersaucer (rolling around), on the 2nd step of our indoor stairs, underneath the 2-step ladder on their indoor slide, stuck belly/face-on to the slide with all 4's planted firmly, on the 1st step of the slide ladder, under addy's swing as addy was swinging (stay very close to the ground amelia or else your head will be severely conked), on the outdoor slide trying to climb up, in the mini ditch we have separating our yard & gardens (also read: amelia covered in mud!), COVERED in weeds from my hours spent pulling weeds (she pulled them out from my 'weed wagon' which is not as exciting as it may seem. i'm talking about actual garden weeds, not the kind you smoke, lol). amelia was also stuck on the bed in the playroom (we have another mattress on the floor, so it would be a soft landing if she did fall, but apparently addy somehow managed to pull/push amelia up to the bed?!) yea, amelia was a bit shaken up by that & right as i was walking int other room to see why she was crying, she did the head dive off the bed & onto the lower mattress on the floor. i ran over to her ready to comfort a crying baby & she looked up at me with sparkles in her eyes & clapped her hands. i love my kids, they are so adventurous!

amelia also has discovered her favorite toy of all time: a battery operated maraca that changes colors, sings songs, & counts (in english & spanish!). she has learned to crawl with it, to cruise along furniture with it, to hold onto it like her life depends on it when in a store or at church or anywhere. i've had 2 people lean over to me & say 'i think your phone is ringing' to which i listen for a second & then say, 'nope it's just my daughter's maraca' lol.

amelia also pulled some flowers out of the beds--grrrrrr-- consequently getting her first disciplinary action. i said 'no no, amelia, no no'. she looked at me & grinned, pulled more flowers out. i moved her away about 2 feet, turning her attention to the water table. i looked back 5 seconds later & amelia was there again at the flowers, pulling them out! i sighed & thought 'now is the time, so sorry baby'. i went over & with more UMPH said 'no NO baby, & flicked her hand (lightly, okay, i can't do anything else right now ya know?). she grabbed the flicked hand & looked at me with the most sorrowful sad eyes. i nearly started to cry myself! then she looked at the flowers again & i said 'no no baby, please stay away' & she looked at me again & crawled over to the water table. success! thankfully they were these ground cover plants that you really just can't kill in any way, so i just put them back in the soil & they are happy again today.

***

yesterday i did a fair amount of stuff around the house to keep my mind off of harold. i vacuumed the house (including steps!), did 5 loads of laundry, folded, put away all that laundry, went through 3 large tubs of baby clothes, & weeded 3 of the 5 veggie gardens (one being very in need & large, ugh). plus playing with the girls. exhausting, but important to keep busy right now.

& i am developing a top 10 things to do before harold & i depart. here's my list so far:

1. spend a weekend away with my hubby (i'm thinking michigan?)
2. spend weekend (4th of july?) with my family
3. spend upcoming weekend with in-laws
4. garage sale to clean up the basement a bit (so the folks who come to help us out for a few weeks post-op won't be scared away by our basement clutter) & get rid of all the baby stuff we have laying around. babies have so much stuff! i was going to get a table at the westerville baby sale in august, but that's not going to be possible now.
5. learn more signs & find these signing cards that addy's speech therapist was talking about
6. organize the time post-op, such as when certain people will be here with the girls, etc
7. finish our bedroom (painting, put up pics)
8. develop amelia's pictures from her 1st year & get them framed (i am terrible at doing this as-they-grow. it's more of a one shot deal, once a year for me).
9. have a fun day planned with my girls & their twin cousins
10. purchase the girls' birthday gifts (as i still may be out of it when their birthdays come around in august & september). hurrah! my sister & mom have offered to take on amelia's first birthday party. i will for sure not be able to plan it or bake for it as i wanted to, so they are in charge! hopefully i'll be with it enough to do addy's party.
11. get together with my grandma to tell her about harold...she is not in the loop yet. partly b/c i don't want to tell her over the phone & also partly b/c it's just going to be hard on her.
12. a trip to ikea! ikea always makes my heart smile, lol.
13. oh yea, throw wes a fun birthday on thursday!
14. get addy's allergy blood work done. (she had another bad reaction over the weekend...we need to get this figured out!)
15. wash our windows (they haven't been washed since we moved in 2 years ago!)
16. set up continuous playdates for addy for the summer
17. write down the girls' schedules & try to get the routine solid before other's take over their care for awhile. i'm thinking the best way for them to transition is to have a daily schedule that everyone can stick to. so it's not a total shock & change when mom isn't in charge for awhile. *sniff sniff*
18. spend more time playing with my girls rather then checking items off this list. (ouch, heidi)

so i guess it's more like a top 18? i'm sure by the time i am done with this list, it will be a top 30. or maybe a top 40? lol.

***

amelia has her 9 month well baby check up today. yes, it's about 1 month late, but that's what happens when you try to make the appointment 1 week before her 9th month. slacker mom! on a good note, i'm beginning to think that amelia is not allergic to our dog! she hasn't had the allergy meds for a few days now (b/c they give her diarrhea, poor kiddo) but she also hasn't had the severely itchy eyes & nose that basically doesn't run but jogs (bad joke, lol). so i'm not sure what we'll find out next.

what else? well, adeline is doing excellent at peeing in the potty. she is also a speed stripper! look away (especially if we're outside!?) & then look back at her & suddenly she's naked & sitting/standing in her water table or attempting to go down the slide (yea, doesn't work so well with a nude bottom). i have learned from heather (the recent birthday girl) that her daughter loves to be naked also, which makes me feel much better! it seems her daughter does this inside, though...outside is not the best place to discover your love for nudity...maybe for addy's birthday we will take her to a nudist colony? lol! i think that may be too much anatomy lesson at such a young age, though. *smile*

& addy's first expressive speech delay play group is thursday morning! i am hoping to swap numbers with other parents there to set up independent play dates. wish me luck.

***

thanks to everyone who has been praying for me & my family. i am feeling much more peace about harold & the surgery. i know it's good to cry, but i am so tired of crying! i want to wear my contacts again at some point, ya know. (crying with contacts in is very difficult. then they get all cloudy after the fact, so i have to take them out anyway... etc etc). i never knew i had such a praying group of friends, but it's good to know now.

& now we are off to the library to return a book of mine, pick up another for myself & see how addy's 2nd library trip goes (the first ended in a MASSIVE tantrum, sigh, let's hope that doesn't happen again. i plan to bring plenty of bribery snacks in case she begins to lean that way...).

also, if you have any ideas on books to read while held up in bed for a few weeks, send them along. i just finished 'the bridegroom stories' & am halfway through 'the time traveler's wife' (sooo good!) & today am picking up 'the book thief'. i'm not so much into sci-fi & mostly not into mysteries, although i may take whatever i can get my hands on, as i can get through a 400 page book in one day if i let myself. & well, weeks in bed could = 20 books or more!!! maybe i'll stick to tv show dvds also...

& so life goes on.

my tumor has an official name: harold. not sure why harold, but it seems to just fit. according to name-meaning websites, harold means "army ruler" so maybe this wasn't such a great fit after all. but it's too late, the name has been given. i will now say such things as 'harold & i are going for a walk' or 'harold is giving me a headache today' or 'harold has decided to create very loud ringing in my ear while i'm trying to fall asleep'. no worries, i haven't gone all schizophrenic or multiple personality on you all. it's just one way to not say 'my tumor' or such things. harold is much less scary than tumor, eh?

i have a history of naming things that are not alive. my sister names her indoor plants, & i name objects (well, i named two kids as well). my body pillow is named matilda (i couldn't name a pillow i sleep with a male now b/c then someone may say to me 'how do you sleep with -enter male name- every night?' & that would cause some looks in the wrong circles, so female name it is, which also may cause some looks, now that i think about it...). my car from high school (that wes still drives) is named thelma (from the movie 'thelma & louise', not from my great aunt thelma...i wouldn't want her to think i named such a thing like a car after her!) & so on. i always told thelma that i would drive her across the country & lo & behold, there she was going cross country twice (but she wasn't driven, but was hauled, so sorry thelma).

anyway. i have been noticing the past few days, after reading some more websites & info on all the thing harold could cause, all the symptoms of this harold-esque situation. the past 4 or 5 years of my medical life are making a bit more sense. for awhile i thought myself a hypochondriac b/c of the variety of things that were going wrong in my body. little things, like ringing in the ear, severe headaches that aren't helped by over the counter meds or even migraine meds, dizziness, nausea, vision changes, messing up words, some memory loss (which i had attributed to 'mama brain') etc etc etc. all these things seems a bit more understandable now.

yesterday, i attended a session of 'soaking prayer' at my church. it was 2 hours & a total of 5 people prayed over me for healing & for other things, such as releasing of fear, anxiety, anger, guilt (over me not being able to take care of the girls after the surgery). it was good & i went through an entire box of tissues! i have a talent, snot & tear production. lol. i realized then that i had some anger about this whole tumor situation & it was good to acknowledge that & also just to get prayer & feel jesus crying with me, holding me. that sort of thing. this morning at church, my friend carol & i met out in the lobby/cafe area & she prayed for me & again i felt jesus with me. not that i don't feel god is with me now, as i'm sitting here typing, but these prayer moments are more intense-jesus meetings, ya know? so these things are good, so keep praying.

i have also realized that humor is good for me during this time. my uncle eric gave me the first 'pun' on the phone the other day: he said he wanted to 'pick my brain' about this post-secondary option for my cousin. it was good to laugh about it & i'm still chuckling about it when i think about that pun b/c it's just perfect! then i'm also realizing what a bomb i have to drop on strangers & even friends. say to someone "i have a brain tumor" & instantly i can hear the voice change, the face turn to shock/sorrow/etc. so i must be careful how & when i say anything about it. i for sure don't want to use it as a crutch, but, hey it worked once for me already. i was on the phone with my family doctor's receptionist, trying to get an appointment to get some meds to help me calm down (ya know, anxiety meds!) & it went like this:

me: i would like an appointment today with dr. briones to talk about getting some medication.

receptionist: i'm sorry, we only have appointments with nurse practitioners available today.

me: i need to see a dr b/c i'm needing anti-anxiety meds.

receptionist: i'm sorry, we only have available appointments with a nurse practitioner.

me: hhm, i would like an appointment today, i am really needing to see a dr about this anxiety problem.

receptionist: well, we have a 10:15 with a nurse practitioner, maybe she could speak with you about other possibilities for treatment.

me: i was just diagnosed with a brain tumor on wednesday. i am not coping well, i need to see dr briones today.

receptionist: oh, okay, give me a second. *pause* we have a 2:30 that we can squeeze you into to see dr briones. is that okay?

me: yea, that's great, thank you.

then there was me trying to explain to the westerville special-needs-preschool director why i may not be the one to take addy to the evaluations & such in late august. i tried to simply let it be that i was having some medical problems & may not be the one to drive her & take her, etc. she was like 'oh you just need to be present & i'm sure by august you'll be feeling better' (i had told her i was having a surgery in late july). & we went back & forth a few times about this & she kept insisting that i could be there & finally i was like 'well, i'm having brain surgery. my recovery could last 8 weeks. i need to know what steps to take that will allow other people to drop off or pick up or act as guardian if necessary for these evaluations & meetings.' the tone immediately changes. which sorta sucks.

some folks/friends have asked if this is something i am keeping private. my answer: nope! tell away. in fact, that's almost easier on me b/c then i'm not the one who has to go through the whole question & answer routine. *smile* i appreciate that people are caring & curious & genuinely want to help & i am very grateful for that! i am holding onto the line of thinking that the more people who know about it, the more people are praying, the more people understand if they see me & i look a bit like a puffed up form of myself (from crying).

there were some other things i had to say... but amelia is up from her nap & we are off to my brother-in-law's grad school graduation party (congrats cal!). this weekend has been busy, but i think that's better for me at this point. wednesday through friday, i sorta just wanted to hunker down in my house. but i just kept crying & crying. so yesterday & today we weren't home much & i cried & worried less (except for the soaking prayer, that for sure had *muy* crying). but i think i'm going to get through the initial shock of recognizing that harold is taking up a space in my skull, work through the terror of the impending surgery & risks of the surgery & move on to realizing that i am lucky to be living in a time when i can be healed from harold (*smile*, you know you like the name harold!). (of course, i believe god can & has always had the power to heal & i know that if he chooses, i can be healed of this. i have heard many stories of similar healing from major medical conditions. but i am also trusting that god gives us surgeons & modern medicine & a brain to understand all this...that is also a version of healing, eh?).

so yes, we are off to do normal life things that don't revolve around harold & that is good.