ya-OUCH

hello to fellow bloggers & blog-checkers:

it has been decided after many hours of contemplation & many more tears shed & some lessons learned in letting go of 'mama guilt'...i am now ceasing breastfeeding ms. amelia. really, this is a very tough, heart-wrenching decision. i never realized how much it meant to me, not just giving my babies the best milk out there, but also the bonding that the skin to skin contact brought...i will stop explaining before i make myself cry again.

so, instead of a cow (producing milk, hahaha) i am now a vegetarian: i wear cabbage leaves on my breasts (sorry, dad, i know you are blushing right now) & frozen peas over my shirt with an ace wrap around my chest...i look CLASSIC. however, i am NOT letting wes take a picture of this set up, even for the purpose of good blogger laugh. wes is getting a good laugh out of all of it. he keeps saying if i dare go outside, the squirrels will congregate & take me down to eat the food off of me... again, hilarious. supposedly, the pain will stop after 3 days, which is tomorrow afternoon (which is when my mom leaves for home...i called her on friday seriously sobbing, saying 'i can't do this anymore, etc etc etc' which made her promptly leave my dad at home to come help us out for a few days. for those who don't know, my dad was in the hospital a few weeks ago for tiverticulitis [spelling is wrong!] & has been in much pain since then & off work...not a good recovery but at least he doesn't have to wear cabbage leaves...). i really hope the pain is gone; this hurts like nothing else (coming from a non-epidural mama, that is fairly significant in my opinion).

if you think about it, send a prayer up for me (& for my dad!)...this is very painful both physically & emotionally for me, but i'll get over both of it soon. i think it will help once i start holding her again for feedings (i can't hold her a lot right now b/c it just makes my milk 'let down' which makes it all even more painful).

adeline is TWO years old

it seems like yesterday she was our little baby...& now we have a new one, plus our little girl. crazy how it goes by so fast, but at the time, it seems endless (okay, not always, but...). she shook our world pretty hard, but we are better for it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ADDY!

addy, day 1.
a serious face to greet the world.

day 2.
a yawn or a cry? hhm, knowing addy, probably a cry.

1st birthday
adorable, those front teeth & the hat (which she hated)

another from her 1st birthday party, a big bash! she was a (fake) ballerina. we should've dressed her as a gymnast instead...that's what she's turning into.
i just love this face; she is so eager to have fun & enjoy things...laughing & playing hard, that's our adeline (oh, & crying & throwing fits, that's addy age 18 months -2).

and this morning, the birthday girl. we woke her up & gave her a 'big birthday girl crown'. we made her blueberry pancakes (one IS in the shape of a star, go mama) & scrambled eggs w/ cheese (yes, there's ketchup on that plate). she seemed confused at first, but caught on quickly that this is her special day.
8 a.m.

10:30 a.m.
we finally made it to the park! it's a beautiful day, not too different from the day she was born. she had a great time at the park, as you can see from the pictures...she's a monkey. seriously.

happy birthday, my crazy monkey!

now for the explanation of how to get to the park by 10:30 with a 1 month old & a 2 year old... pack the diaper bag 3 times (b/c toddler WILL unpack it twice); find 2 pacifiers for baby (b/c toddler WILL hide the first one); get 2 sippy cups ready for toddler (b/c toddler WILL NOT like the first one you get for her); get water bottle ready for mama, then explain to toddler that it's not hers; get snack for toddler ready then explain to toddler that it is for the walk to the park; calm screaming baby down 3 times (b/c toddler WILL wake baby up once she is calmed again & again); find baby bjorn (b/c baby WILL scream at park if she wants to be held); find baby's car seat (b/c toddler has taken it somewhere...SERIOUSLY!); put toddler's shoes on twice (b/c toddler takes them off constantly); email hubby, while both daughters are screaming, saying this mother of two thing is not working out & thinking we should hire a nanny; try not to cry, but be happy & stoic b/c it's toddler's birthday; sing "happy birthday" song to toddler while walking to the park about 10 times (b/c that's the only thing that will make her not whine). get to park & realize it's time for lunch. call hubby & discuss lunch delivery (pizza for addy's sake & it's so easy!); breastfeed baby & embarress other kid's grandpa at park b/c i'm breastfeeding...wait for hubby & then eat eat eat, then convince toddler with more food to get in the stroller to walk home.

2:30 toddler is finally asleep after playing with legos in her room for 1 1/2 hours instead of taking nap. baby is asleep, but will wake up in a bout 15 minutes to nurse. ugh. i guess i should remember how quickly it all went by with addy & enjoy these little moments even more. but still, i'm exhausted already!

a few bad, a few good

i think i jinxed us with our last post, saying things were getting better. ugh, what a weekend & past few days! amelia has cried most of the nights since friday. last night was the only relief: she slept beautifully & soundly, hardly a cry to be heard. i'm not sure if she is just getting used to the reflux medicine or the formula (we are giving her one bottle at night) or if she's just in a lot of pain & reacting to that (well, if anyone's ever had a reflux type problem, you know it hurts). we really hate to see her in that much pain, as all parents do (well, MOST parents, i've worked with quite a few dysfunctional families to know that one).

so we've basically been going about our days in a haze of exhaustion. we've called the pediatrician to make sure this is okay or semi normal for reflux & she said it is & we were told to just wait it out until friday & that she (the ped) expects it to be better then. hopefully, last night was the turning point. i can take getting up to feed or rock, but the constant screaming is totally another thing!

another point of discussion: amelia has her first official diaper rash! i guess she also inherited my rashy skin. we need to start buying stock in Desitin. or i also think we could write to Desitin folks & see if we could do a commercial or something & then get free desitin for a year. i'd sell out our kids' butts for that! addy also has a pretty intense rash the past week & continuous diarrhea. (when does it all end?). so yesterday, addy had 'diaper off time' which is always exciting for her (she likes to be naked) & we practiced going 'pee pee & poo' on the potty, which she didn't come through with...not 1 minute after she stood up off the potty, she comes running towards me crying, pee running down her legs. so yes, she was running down the upstairs hall, peeing the entire way (there was also a puddle where she had started, i guess). clean up disaster! the funny thing is that she wanted to clean it up! so i let her. just don't walk barefoot in our upstairs hallway ;o)

on a happy note, it is addy's birthday tomorrow! she will be 2; i can't believe it! the past year has gone by so fast & she's such a great 'big' kid. she's a little crazy & has more energy than almost anyone i know, but we love being her parents, she continually shocks us & sends us laughing & scratching our heads. we are going to get her dress-up clothes for her gifts (hoping that they will make her stop taking all of her regular clothes out of her dresser & trying them on at naps & bedtime...talk about a big mess twice a day to clean up).

on another happy note: for the past few weeks, folks from our church have been bringing us meals. most of the people we know, some we don't (which i think is truly amazing for people to be so kind to others they don't even know!)...some people didn't have power at their house from the huge Ike windstorm, but they still brought us a dinner. it was truly a blessing. monday night, a couple we didn't know brought over a HUGE meal. the hubby brought it on his way from work & it came just at dinner time b/c the wifely wanted it to be hot for us so we didn't even have to worry about turning our oven on...seriously sweet. the hubby said this is just something they do to bless others & you have to check out these pictures; it's amazing (he also said that she's a farm girl & can't do anything in a small portion). we were FLABBERGASTED. she made lemon-rosemary roasted chicken on a bed of red onion, basmati rice, yellow & green beans, biscuits w/ amish butter, a salad bar (check out the fixings....they filled 3 gallon size bags), & for dessert, a red rasberry, piquot (i've never even heard of that) & i think peach fruit crisp & neapolitan ice cream. seriously. so we just have to blog about this & show pictures as proof. thank you thank you thank you karl & bethany! and of course, everyone else who brought meals, all are amazing & all have been very tasty.

salad bar...if you look closely, she even LABELED the mini baggies; my heart skipped a few beats with joy.

lemon rosemary roasted chicken

the hot stuff altogether

& look how excited & hungry addy is! you can tell she knows a good meal is coming! she loves all these people coming over every other day to drop off a meal...our little socialite.

week 3 with two kids

what a week this has been! we are so tired...exhausted. amelia is having problems distinguishing day from night, as most babies do. sunday i bought 'the secrets of the baby whisperer' & it has helped immensely! apparently, we were overfeeding her, overstimulating her, & of course not helping her learn to like sleeping in her crib. bad parents! ;o) after 4 days on the 'baby whisperer' routine, things have gotten better. she sleeps at night without being held! she sleeps in her crib! she may not sleep THROUGH the night, but she sleeps AT night & that's all we're asking from her at this point.

some pictures of addy playing with her new favorite thing: the animal farm puzzle. she's even sharing with amelia. addy is doing so well with her. at times she is getting more frustrated with her parents than amelia & it's a good reminder to spend more individual time with addy. she's really a great kiddo, making us laugh all the time (& making us realize that time outs are very necessary for toddlers).

okay, so i think their expressions right here are so similar! it's pretty freaky to look at their baby pictures, they look so much alike! amelia is about 2 weeks behind addy in weight at this age, but she seems to be catching up. just today, we weighed her at the pediatrician's & she has gained 14 ounces in 10 days!

addy playing baby in the vibrator seat; only she is stuck & can't get out this time & is crying for help. instead of being the sympathetic parents, we run for the camera. she'll get over it (she's not even supposed to be in there!)

wes being dad of the year, helping to calm the fussy baby. we love this sleepy wrap, it knocks her out every time, she's such a snuggle bum.

some awake pictures of amelia. she's too precious! this is in a newborn gown & she has officially grown out of it. her little feet just stick out like twigs at the bottom. she's still not fully out of newborn clothes & not really fitting into the 0-3 yet...we just can't believe she's this big already! her cheeks are filling out & she is actually getting a little bum on her.

and you HAVE to love her hair. it's full of life. we call her spike, for obvious reasons. it also seems to be growing out a bit lighter in color, so we may have another blond in the family. what happened to wes' dominant genes? goodness, i guess i am just the dominate one in the family, hehehe.

this week has also been the week of visits to the doctor & pharmacy...addy had a few days of blow out diarrhea & diaper rash (a trip to the pharmacy...we have a standing refill order with the pediatrician, she doesn't even have to be seen anymore, we just ask & they call in the refill). amelia has been having difficulty nursing & has been spitting up relentlessly & vomiting several times a day (we call them the "battle feeds," amelia writhes around in my arms, screams, bites, pulls off, goes stiff as a board, etc etc & then attacks the breast, swallowing air the whole time. then she can't burp. then she soaks her clothes, blankets, sheets...anything within 3 feet of her is soaked with spit up/vomit). we finally decided this was not normal & it wasn't due to over feeding (totally different amount of spit up & disposition of ms. millie) & took her to see the pediatrician today...it's discovered that amelia has acid reflux. what a bummer! poor little baby has been in some pain. we have medication for her but it doesn't kick in for another 3-5 days so we are left to battle a few more feedings that result in several change of clothes for everyone. BUT, that means i get to eat ice cream! (i've been cutting out most dairy, coffee, nuts, onions, etc thinking that may be the cause of these battle feeds. so now, i get to eat whatever i want, well with reason). we are really looking forward to her becoming acclimated to the meds & doing better overall, not just b/c we will be more sane, but she will feel better & we will also get to see more of her smiles, i'm sure.

as for me...since the delivery, i have been having severe headaches...well, it's really been one long headache b/c it has never really gone away. i have been riding it out, hoping that it was just from the labor, then hoping it was just from stress, then i realized that i need to do something about it. (tylenol & ibuprofen do nothing to help, neither does more sleep or more water). so i went to see the midwives & i was given some medication & also blood work was done (needle prick #1). i fill the prescription, take the meds that evening & when i wake up to do the 4 a.m. feeding, i realize i'm very dizzy & try to get out of the bathroom so i don't konk my head on the toilet or counter...so i pass out just outside of the bathroom, with wes watching, screaming baby in hands & i crumple to the floor, hitting my head there (yes, ouch). so when i come to, we call the OB, thinking it's related to the medication. she says it's more likely related to the headaches & sends me to the ER. great. (note: i have a long history of passing out for no apparent reason...doctors have tried to find out why & come up with nothing). at the ER check in, the take my blood pressure & then take it again as i stand up & i finally see the data right there as it drops 20 to 30 points in 10 seconds & just from me standing up. anyway, another large needle prick later...i'm hooked up to IV, 4 vials of blood are drawn, have an EKG & cat scan done & they are so very concerned, etc etc & when all test results come back with nothing wrong (as i predicted & explained to them as they took my history), they again said 'well, it appears you are very healthy & we can't find why you are passing out or having headaches...we think it's your hormones from post-partum & breastfeeding.'

anyway, i am no longer dizzy (they are just spells that last an hour or two, then go away), but this headache is still lingering. i didn't take their medication; they offered me morphine (gadzooks!) & sent me home with a prescription for tylenol w/ codeine. i would love to see what addy got away with if i'm on a narcotic all day... so i'm obivously not going to take them. we have decided to start supplementing with formula & see if that helps stabilize my hormones a bit, which hopefully lessens the headaches. if it does...i am very sad to say, i will stop breastfeeding. i'm actually pretty worked up about this possibility & cry almost every time i think about it...sort of feel like i'm letting amelia down by not giving her 'the best milk' possible, especially when i'm overflowing. but i know that a sane, healthy mama is better than a insane, in pain & stressed from the pain, mama...

so that's our week. at this point, we don't have a lot of time to do more than 1 post a week, so hopefully these long posts suffice! & to all those out there w/ newborns (or teething babies): THIS TOO SHALL PASS (i guess i'm feeling optimistic today). and soon they will be rude teenagers (or worse: TWEENS!).

oh fun times

last night, amelia slept for 5 straight hours!! i woke up at hour 4 panicked that she was for sure no longer alive. i stayed in bed, half asleep, my ears tuned acutely to the monitor...i should have gone back to sleep; ah well. this does not compare to my friend, heather's baby, who is 2 days younger than millie & slept 6 1/2 hours last night...i really want to know how she does it! i was totally jealous with her last baby (who is 4 months younger than addy & slept thru the night before addy! WHHAA-AAT??!) & now i am even more jealous & mystified...

addy slept beautifully & awoke this morning full of her usual joy & sorrow (joy being the fact that it's morning & sorrow being 'the picking out of the cereal'...we never seem to pick the one she wants. darn that low vocabulary of her's! some things will be so much easier once she talks more). below is a picture of addy this morning, in her shoe-socks. if you look closely, you can see that they are made to look like she has shoes on. they were cracking wes & i up this morning. it's like a tuxedo shirt for her feet. so cute. and she's eating breakfast #2, which is what she must do when i eat my breakfast, usually a few minutes after she's just finished breakfast #1. no one can say we starve our children... (the no pants on means she had a poopy blowout this morning).

i somehow made it to target by 10 a.m. due to a desperate need for breast pads (i am leaky like a dripping faucet). i think i have gone through about 100 of them in only 2 1/2 weeks. i find that impressive; that's nearly as many diapers as amelia has gone through! anyway; i finally got everything & everyone into the car, drove to target, got everyone out of the car (in the rain...important to note it is very very rainy here today). i had amelia in her car seat, in my left arm & the diaper bag messenger-style around my shoulders, then addy holding my right hand. addy was stopping to check out every little pebble in the parking lot & somehow managed to fall down--right in the middle of a puddle! instead of trying to stand up, she proceeded to LAY DOWN on her back in the puddle, in the middle of the parking lot, in front of target...with several other moms & people walking by, observing all of this. oh, to only be able to read minds...addy was soaked on her back, totally soaked. but she didn't seem to mind, so off we went into target. she happily ate her snack in the front of the cart & i quickly went through target before my luck ran out & addy realized that she was soaking wet!

addy & i had a photo session before she took a nap (yes, these are the same clothes that were soaked...she still didn't seem to mind!). i asked her what she wanted to do before nap time while amelia was sleeping & gave her the options...read, play with certain toys, draw, bounce the ball, etc etc & then i happened to say 'take pictures' & she lit up like a light bulb & hopped over to the camera. so we took pictures.

here are two of them: on top is of addy jumping! notice the air she's getting! ;o) on the bottom is addy's grumpy face...we were going through emotions (you know, 'give me a happy face, give me a sad face...). so that is her grumpy face, but you may notice that she is trying hard not to smile at this point. we had a fun few moments. i'm trying to get as much of those times in as possible when amelia is sleeping. i miss my play time with addy! (although, amelia is just as wonderful & fun!).

a milestone achieved: MILLIE'S FIRST BLOWOUT!
i am not beyond blogging about poo, it's what i deal with dozens of times during the day...why not blog about it? so this is amelia's first of many, i'm sure. this is also her 3rd change of clothes for the day; she is a liquid-y sort of kid. (pretty normal, though, in general for babies!). what you don't see is how mad she is as i was taking this picture. she really doesn't like diaper changes...really truly.

a recap of amelia's week

today amelia is 2 weeks old! i was actually awake nursing her this morning at 3:41 a.m. exactly two weeks after her birth. ouch, the memory even still hurts! it's been a pretty good few weeks overall. it appears that we don't have another 'active baby' like addy...amelia is a normal sleepy baby & we love it! she sleeps in the car seat, sleeps during the day, eats every 3 hours during the day & mostly every 3-4 hours at night (although there have been some very awake nights, but it's not every night, so that is a blessing). not that we don't love adeline, but we needed this break. when she is awake, amelia likes to poop...A LOT. she also gives us these little eye flutters & a sideways smile. when addy is around, amelia seems to rouse a bit more than normal, so i think her & her sister will get along just fine.

"amelia's awake!" usually when wes or i say this, everyone in the house comes flocking to millie's side, just to see her eyes, the smile, & some tongue action. this picture was taken a week ago & already i can see a bit of a change in her... i would hope so b/c she has gained 12 ounces already since her 1 week visit with the pediatrician, putting her at a whopping 7 pounds. she's a heavy weight.

just a preview of the newborn pics done by judy crawford (shutterbug photography...or the gerbick's personal photographer :o) last week. you'll have to wait for the rest! (they are good, though!). we even had some family pictures taken & griswold is even in one (check my facebook profile picture to see that one).

the mama sporting the 'sleepy wrap' sling thingy-ma-bobber. amelia loves it & goes right to sleep in it, which is not necessarily what she needs to do, but...it works! i was able to play with addy & hold amelia at the same time & it seems to work as a breast feeding cover when in public (yea! i went out of the house to starbucks & panera on saturday! yea!).

a closer look at the sleeping bambino in the wrap...all snuggled up like she wants to be. this also shows why we call her "spike" for obvious reasons. her hair sort of just goes into a natural mohawk; i guess she will be our fashionista?

and a picture of ms. millie from today...all 7 pounds of her. i still can't believe she gained almost a pound this week alone! and here we were worried that she wasn't eating enough...stupid parents.

and addy is doing great. she has many many posts dedicated solely to her, so i guess this is amelia's post. or not...one thing that struck me today about addy is her infatuation with ketchup. she can't get enough of it; it's just funny to watch her eat EVERYTHING with ketchup. pretty gross. then she sometimes eats it plain, with a fork. so today at lunch, she ate blueberries with ketchup. she also did very well at amelia's pediatrician appointment this morning...she let the dr touch amelia without protesting too much. she'll be a protective big sister, we can tell that already.

instead of...

yesterday, when wes left for work...addy played in her room, then fell asleep for 2 hours after crying for half an hour (i tried to comfort her, but she just cried harder when i left, which broke my mama heart). then amelia attempted to nurse, but instead fell asleep after 7 minutes of eating.

so instead of taking advantage of both girls napping & going off to take a nap myself...i worried. that amelia wasn't eating enough. that amelia wasn't awake enough. that amelia was sleeping too much. that amelia wasn't gaining enough weight. that amelia wouldn't like her nickname (millie). then i worried that addy was feeling neglected. that addy was missing her mama-play-time. that addy wasn't getting enough play time in general. that addy was eating too much processed foods since amelia arrived. that addy will begin to be jealous of amelia. SERIOUSLY!

by the time wes got home, i was a basket case of anxiety. he asked what happened, how many meltdowns & i had to tell him that it went pretty good overall & it was just me being stupid.

at amelia's one week appointment with the pediatrician, we asked about how much amelia sleeps, the (little) amount she eats, & her weight gain (she was 6.4 on tuesday). the ped kindly whispered "she's NORMAL" & mentioned something about addy NOT being normal as a baby (for those who don't know: addy was awake, alert, crying or needing to be fed most of the day & slept probably 10 hours a day the first 2 months in half hour segments...she was not colicky, just "active or spirited." she also didn't want to be cuddled, so we had to be very inventive on ways to stimulate her & then how to calm her down). so now we are just in SHOCK & AWE that this is a normal baby; i still keep thinking that she is sleeping too much or not eating enough (obviously, just read above). i have asked my friend, judy, several times if this really is normal (& asked my mom & i have even thought about sending out an email to all my mama friends to get more reassurances that this is, in fact, normal) & judy says yes, her boys slept this much & ate this much... it's just hard to believe. BUT, i am happy that she is this way; i just need to get used to it.

so...hopefully today i will take a nap instead of worrying.

oh my, mama on her own

addy today...her big camera smile

wes getting one more snuggle with millie before heading off to work for the afternoon

a mix of a grimace & smile...i think she's just sad daddy is leaving

EGADS! this is my first time alone with both little ladies. wes had a meeting to attend at work & will be gone for approximately 3 hours. GULP. so far all is going well: addy is in her room for a nap & amelia is sleeping in her boppy in front of the window. the problem is that it's time for amelia to nurse & addy keeps playing on her wooden pony (i can hear the neighing through the monitor). i'm fully expecting meltdowns from both girls...we'll see what happens.

wes was very sad to leave us all, but i think he's also a bit content to sit in a cold office. apparently it's hot outside & i no longer have the heating unit attached to my midsection, so i think it's rather brisk in the house now, but wes continues to tell me that it's HOT. that was just a sidenote on the current state of the thermostat in our home.

just 30 minutes in & we all miss daddy already...now it's time for me to go eat a snickers bar.

sweet big sister addy

yesterday addy got to hold amelia all by herself. for the past week she kept making gestures insinuating that she wants to hold amelia...we were a bit nervous, but finally just gave in. and this is the result: a very very VERY happy addy & a pretty content amelia. it was so cute to watch how addy was so gentle with amelia, patting her head & legs & playing with her fingers.

addy's face of shock & love at how small amelia's hands are

amelia yawning & addy being very serious about her job as the baby-sister-holder

this is a few minutes into the holding session...addy seems to have relaxed a bit more & is smiling constantly. i then suggested that maybe mama could hold amelia now & she just looked so sad & shook her head "no" & then patted amelia on the head. the only way we could get amelia out of addy's grip was to say that dinner was ready to eat (greek chicken & potatoes from aunt kristi...it was very good, thanks! & addy liked it very much). apparently, according to addy, not much tops amelia at this point, except food.

sharing is hard!

the first grown man not who was not her daddy or grandpa who held ms. amelia: scotty (heidi's brother). i think it is b/c she is a bit tinier than expected, or maybe just b/c she's a newborn & appears fragile, not many men are wanting to hold her. however, when scotty, his wife leila, & their twins came to visit last night, he sat beside me & picked her up like he's a pro at this baby stuff or something. i guess with twin girls (who were both even smaller than amelia) you get used to their vulnerability.

hhmmm, i can't figure out the order of appearance below (well, i have the last two pegged!). maybe one of the gerwig parents can give me some insight as to which twin is sitting where. i suck at telling these twins apart! anyway, here are the gerwig grandkids! 4 girls!

one of the "o-ies" as we gerbicks call them (b/c we can't tell them apart) loving on her new cousin. this was a very cute moment! they all seemed to be very taken by the new arrival.

amelia isn't too happy after she had the misfortune to bump heads with her cousin. it was a very light love tap, nothing serious. however, addy looks very concerned.

and during this visit, addy started to show the true colors of toddler-hood: not wanting to share her toys! we've never seen her get so worked up about it. usually she will just find another toy & that's the end of it...but not this time. there was some shoving, lots of whining, some crying, lots of 'mine mine mine!' & as a result several time outs! leila made a comment about how difficult it must be for toddlers to grasp the concept of sharing...apparently it IS very hard! hopefully she gets over it soon; well, as least the acting on her feelings part.