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this morning i woke up at 5:42 a.m. with The Stiff Neck that shows all signs of turning into a migraine. so i laid there on my propped pillows wishing the migraine away...but it hit me hard. finally, around 6:45 i believe, i was able to fall back asleep. since none of you folks are my doctor(s) i will spare you all the details of these migraines. just know that it hurts (& i have a very high pain tolerance--so say dr's). after a migraine i am *wiped out*, beyond tired. think been awake for 24 hours tired. luckily, today marks only the 6th & 7th migraine of this caliber.
wes woke me up an hour or so later & mentioned that he needed to get to work for a meeting & he had a cup of coffee for me--good man, yes. usually once the migraine is over, the ibuprofen in my system for an hour, & a cup of coffee is down the hatch, usually i feel better. but after moving around for a bit, another migraine hit.
long story short, wes missed his meeting & drove the girls to my parent's house until tomorrow. i've had this headache for 8 hours now. i tried to go back to sleep but--& this is the near silly part--i miss my girls. i was looking forward to hanging out with them today, inside on the type of rainy day that i love. & now they are with their gram mum, my husband missed most of a day of work, & i'm in some intense pain. but i can't sleep!
harold has taken so much from me & i just want to feel normal again. to wake up feeling refreshed, not exhausted. to not worry that a headache or migraine will screw up my plans, to be able to hold my baby when she wakes up at night from teething. instead adeline knows to be very quiet when mama's 'owie' hurts, but will still cry for me, breaking my heart as i'm lying in bed trying not to listen to wes battling it out with the girls (did i say yet what a great man, husband, father he is? well, he's all that *plus* a bag of chips, you know).
the other day after recovering from another one of these lovely migraines (yes, that makes 3 this week...i'm so getting better, eh? as addy would say: no, not) i had this vision of doing normal things, with joy. i saw myself getting up before wes, before the girls & making breakfast (banana pancakes) & then getting addy ready for school & taking amelia grocery shopping, then home to watch her start walking around. i saw myself making dinner & teaching amelia to roll the ball around & practiced with adeline her speech cues. wes & i were both cleaning up the basement (what he's working on right now in the evening for 20 minutes, starting somewhere, as he says) & laughing about the girls & general things.
i don't know why i saw all of this. i do know it's making me very sad today b/c that vision is the furthest thing from reality right now but it's what i want. & when i am feeling good again, i want to be able to read something like this & remember how terrible things were or things can be. i never want to take for granted general, every day life anymore. i don't want to feel guilty that i live in america & have so much (b/c how can i be happy if i feel guilty constantly?). i want to be able to reach out to others who are going through what we as a family have. i'm tired of sitting around waiting for the surgeon's assistant to email me back about what to do (& then finally when they do email me back, give me an appointment with a neurologist in 4 weeks. that could mean 12 more of these migraines if this week is any indication of a pattern). & i am joyful doing every day things. i am thankful for the every day situations... you know, thank god my tumor was benign. thank god my surgery was a success. thank god for doctors who *hopefully* (LOL) will help me heal completely. thank god my mom was home today & that my husband's job is flexible enough to let him stay home when i can't do my own 'job'.
i have such mixed emotions over all of this...i feel i've been hit with immense joy the past few weeks. in fact, during soaking prayer at my church god told me, like i was sitting right beside him, that i will have joy, that i will experience joy like never before. which is saying a lot b/c i've been pretty happy in general (aside from teenage angst & anger about social injustice *smile*). but then again, these past 4 months have been highly shitty (very technical term, i know), with patches of shittyness for the past 4-5 years (tumor stuff, you know the passing out randomly, dr's not believing anything was serious, etc).
if you believe in the stages of grief, well, i think i am moving into anger. angry & joyful at the same time? hhmm, possible. i want my life back, i'm tired of staying mostly at home being sick & stuck to the bed in the morning. i want to fight *this* now. not that i have a cancer to fight or a disease per se, but i apparently have to do more to get healthy again. maybe the wrong surgical approach was chosen--maybe i should have had the belly fat put into the tumor site after the tumor was removed. maybe then my nerves wouldn't be moving around as they are (according to a 'fellow' of dr welling), causing the numbness to come & go & possibly (my theory) causing the migraines. who knows!
but this is a perfect day to be joyful & angry at the same time. it's raining all day. which is good for ohio, good for water levels, etc but wet feet are sure annoying. & it's kind of funny how our tress will suddenly drop nearly all their leaves on the same day...it just seems life is filled with so many good things like kids & babies & season changes & baking & books, why wouldn't i want to feel better?
okay, i think i can attempt a nap again now that this is put into words. & it's now time for another round of ibuprofen *sigh*
wes woke me up an hour or so later & mentioned that he needed to get to work for a meeting & he had a cup of coffee for me--good man, yes. usually once the migraine is over, the ibuprofen in my system for an hour, & a cup of coffee is down the hatch, usually i feel better. but after moving around for a bit, another migraine hit.
long story short, wes missed his meeting & drove the girls to my parent's house until tomorrow. i've had this headache for 8 hours now. i tried to go back to sleep but--& this is the near silly part--i miss my girls. i was looking forward to hanging out with them today, inside on the type of rainy day that i love. & now they are with their gram mum, my husband missed most of a day of work, & i'm in some intense pain. but i can't sleep!
harold has taken so much from me & i just want to feel normal again. to wake up feeling refreshed, not exhausted. to not worry that a headache or migraine will screw up my plans, to be able to hold my baby when she wakes up at night from teething. instead adeline knows to be very quiet when mama's 'owie' hurts, but will still cry for me, breaking my heart as i'm lying in bed trying not to listen to wes battling it out with the girls (did i say yet what a great man, husband, father he is? well, he's all that *plus* a bag of chips, you know).
the other day after recovering from another one of these lovely migraines (yes, that makes 3 this week...i'm so getting better, eh? as addy would say: no, not) i had this vision of doing normal things, with joy. i saw myself getting up before wes, before the girls & making breakfast (banana pancakes) & then getting addy ready for school & taking amelia grocery shopping, then home to watch her start walking around. i saw myself making dinner & teaching amelia to roll the ball around & practiced with adeline her speech cues. wes & i were both cleaning up the basement (what he's working on right now in the evening for 20 minutes, starting somewhere, as he says) & laughing about the girls & general things.
i don't know why i saw all of this. i do know it's making me very sad today b/c that vision is the furthest thing from reality right now but it's what i want. & when i am feeling good again, i want to be able to read something like this & remember how terrible things were or things can be. i never want to take for granted general, every day life anymore. i don't want to feel guilty that i live in america & have so much (b/c how can i be happy if i feel guilty constantly?). i want to be able to reach out to others who are going through what we as a family have. i'm tired of sitting around waiting for the surgeon's assistant to email me back about what to do (& then finally when they do email me back, give me an appointment with a neurologist in 4 weeks. that could mean 12 more of these migraines if this week is any indication of a pattern). & i am joyful doing every day things. i am thankful for the every day situations... you know, thank god my tumor was benign. thank god my surgery was a success. thank god for doctors who *hopefully* (LOL) will help me heal completely. thank god my mom was home today & that my husband's job is flexible enough to let him stay home when i can't do my own 'job'.
i have such mixed emotions over all of this...i feel i've been hit with immense joy the past few weeks. in fact, during soaking prayer at my church god told me, like i was sitting right beside him, that i will have joy, that i will experience joy like never before. which is saying a lot b/c i've been pretty happy in general (aside from teenage angst & anger about social injustice *smile*). but then again, these past 4 months have been highly shitty (very technical term, i know), with patches of shittyness for the past 4-5 years (tumor stuff, you know the passing out randomly, dr's not believing anything was serious, etc).
if you believe in the stages of grief, well, i think i am moving into anger. angry & joyful at the same time? hhmm, possible. i want my life back, i'm tired of staying mostly at home being sick & stuck to the bed in the morning. i want to fight *this* now. not that i have a cancer to fight or a disease per se, but i apparently have to do more to get healthy again. maybe the wrong surgical approach was chosen--maybe i should have had the belly fat put into the tumor site after the tumor was removed. maybe then my nerves wouldn't be moving around as they are (according to a 'fellow' of dr welling), causing the numbness to come & go & possibly (my theory) causing the migraines. who knows!
but this is a perfect day to be joyful & angry at the same time. it's raining all day. which is good for ohio, good for water levels, etc but wet feet are sure annoying. & it's kind of funny how our tress will suddenly drop nearly all their leaves on the same day...it just seems life is filled with so many good things like kids & babies & season changes & baking & books, why wouldn't i want to feel better?
okay, i think i can attempt a nap again now that this is put into words. & it's now time for another round of ibuprofen *sigh*
2 comments:
heidi, love. i'm praying for you... praying that the migraines go away for good. i'm glad to hear that soaking prayer is still on your calendar and that god is speaking to you during those times. please let me know if there is anything i can do for you! love you.
oh, heidi..wish i could help...
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