tall & skinny

this is our christmas tree before the pruning. wes is 6'4" tall, so this is not a short tree. the more i looked at this picture, the more i noticed the similarity between the two subjects (wes & the tree).



& this is so embarrassing to tell everyone, but we have only done ONE advent night! (*gasp* from the gbc crowd? lol). i think it has something to do with the nightly boxes being filled with chocolate & me not wanting to give the girls that much sugar before bed. or maybe it's b/c we have the advent calendar snowman on top of the fridge--the only place it rests safely where adeline isn't trying to climb, successfully, to eat her way to christmas early. or maybe it's b/c my girls are still a bit too young to fully grasp the idea of advent. (i'm hoping maybe next year for adeline, that she may understand the whole jesus being born thing a bit better. right now every time i say something about it, she just looks at me with a quizzical blank stare & replies 'yea, mom, yea'. so. there you have it. our featured failure of parenting. (kidding, it's really not that dramatic of an issue, eh?)

today i, along with nearly all of central ohio, went shopping at polaris. if you weren't there--BE THANKFUL! talk about a nut farm in the form of people shopping & driving. but last night i went out with a friend to a movie! it was like i just finished a quarter/semester at school & was free from all obligations, even if for one night. if you are wondering, we saw precious ...oh my goodness. it was so good to see something that didn't make me feel more stupid for watching it (like, the proposal, for one). it stirred a bit of my desire to help that exact population (teen parent, victim/survivor of abuse, cycle of poverty, lack of education, etc etc etc etc etc!). my friend & i didn't talk much about the movie, i think maybe b/c it was so heavy that i had to process it a bit before i can talk about it. (sound right?). i am looking forward to the day when i have the energy to wrap my brain around getting involved with others in need. i for sure don't see myself as some savior & that people are just twiddling their thumbs waiting for me to help them. really, the most successful cases i've been a part of have been teaching people how to get out of the muck themselves.

i want to be a part of something real, like nothing i've done before. (here is where my dream of this super duper awesome settlement house takes place! i just need about a million dollars (or two million?) & some land & probably some help, a-hem).

anyway, i couldn't get to sleep until i did a thorough think-through about the movie & i've been thinking about it all day. it has made me appreciate my two girls even more (woah, a movie can do that?).

***

on a totally different note: wes made some killer steaks tonight. we topped them with caramelized onions, goat cheese &/or gorgonzola cheese & paired that with basil & romano risotto (full disclosure--the baked sweet potato & apple dish wasn't finished until 10 minutes after dinner...lunch tomorrow?!). it was G.O.O.D.

fridays...

seriously, anyone know what's up with calliou? that show drives me nearly as crazy as barney. & adeline loves it. ARGH.

***
here are some questions i ask myself in the morning:
how many times will i get the vacuum out today?
how many granola bar wrappers will i find stuffed in hidden places?
will adeline make it through the day without dragging her sister away from a toy, hurting her (emotionally & physically, right?!).
will that thump i just heard mean a trip to the er?
will i get at least 30 minutes to myself to read or watch a show?
is not remembering to make dinner really as bad as it sounds?
do the folks at poison control keep tabs on the number of calls from the same household?
is it possible to make it to the gym today (for my geriatric work out *smile*)?
how many reminders do i have to write myself before i do something (shutterfly calendar, hello, i will get to you sometime!)

then statements:
do not, under any circumstances, take two children to a store. any store. do not do it.
do not tell adeline it's okay to throw the ball (b/c she's getting very good at throwing & the christmas tree can only take so much).
it is not okay to leave my kids alone upstairs for longer than 10 minutes without checking on them (crap, already didn't keep this one).
the laundry & a clean house does not mean happiness abounds in everyone (aka, kids).
it's okay to leave the tv on if it means mommy is sane.
it's okay to call myself my real name instead of mommy. hi, my name is heidi.
washing hair more than twice a week is very overrated.
take pleasure in luxuries such as finishing a cup of coffee or listening to my girls laughing *together*.
do not stress about unwashable drawings on the wall. repaint when the urge to draw on walls is over (when??).
stop thinking that wes will not like his christmas gifts.
you will get christmas cards out eventually...if it's after christmas, that's okay (but is it, really?)
remember to take my pills b/c wow does it hurt when i don't.

any statements or questions you'd like to add?

***

how is it that fridays can turn into grumpy day? adeline has been home from school for 2 days with her recurring croup cough & high fever...& the past few days haven't been bad at all. okay, so one day she was *very* sick & wasn't exactly herself. then, yesterday my mom was here. so i don't have a complete accurate comparison, eh? BUT still. so far today adeline has whined & cried about the silliest of things, grating on my nerves before it's even 9 a.m. *sigh* so i'm forcing myself to be a bit more exciting today, do things like the crazy puzzles & maybe string a necklace or two with addy & let them color--GASP-- with markers (if they draw on the walls again, i don't think wes will ever let a marker back into the house *ever*).

so here's a picture of amelia harassing the christmas tree this morning, which has turned into a favorite hobby of hers. she doesn't attack it or try to destroy, just pulls one specific ornament off (lol, addy's 2009 ornament--sisters just love to aggravate each other, eh?). of course, she's carrying around her lovey, the bunny, & an empty bottle.

our tree! it was about 11 or 12 feet tall & we had to cut it down quite a bit to make it fit into our 9 foot ceilings. this is a tree for our boise house, again, *SIGH*. (we miss you, home in boise).

i snagged a picture of adeline doing her 'woe is me, i can't watch a 3rd episode of curious george in a row'.

& this is shows amelia's strong desire to play around, on, with the computer desk. she was stuck so i of course ran to get the camera.

so. amelia is scheduled to get tubes on...MONDAY morning! we were shocked they could get us in so fast. shocked & pleased, very pleased. amelia still has fluid in her ears, although it's not infected (yet) but if it is infected by monday morning they will still do the procedure. yea! & somewhere in the paperwork i had to fill in some parental history & of course the ENT was like 'acoustic neuroma?' & knew dr welling (the ent surgeon who took out harold, my long lost 'brain' tumor--but ask dr arce & you must say only: acoustic neuroma. neurologists are kind of anal).

anyway, amelia has a chance to sleep through the night peacefully after next monday. and my sister, well, she's kind enough to drive over here from across town monday morning at 6 a.m. to stay with adeline & take her to school. when she has kids...we owe her.

in case you are wondering, yes, amelia has been attacking me since i've started to type this & has so far banged her head on the table 3 times & taken a bottom shelf of books off the book shelf, & is scaling me as i type. she is *so* not interested in all the toys we have, nor does food take her concentration away; she wants the computer. i think my mom may just be correct: amelia wants her own blog. it would be pretty cute. but annoying to share the computer.

***
for grandparents' sake, here are the numbers of their well-baby appointments (& for the record, amelia didn't cry until the 3rd & 4th vaccine shot...hardcore).

amelia: 22.5 pounds (38th percentile! is she really a gerbick-gerwig baby?!)
31 inches (62nd%...maybe tall & skinny like her daddy, as wes pointed out to me, who is apparently not those two things? ahem, wes, you're still in that hole you dug)

adeline: 37 pounds, 36.6 inches.

adeline has grown 2 inches in less than one year & amelia has also grown 2 inches, but in 4 months! the crazy thing is that amelia has *lost* weight. hhmm, that's totally new to me, a kid losing weight. i mean, adeline is a perfectly healthy kid, but she's never gone down, she's just grown & stayed at the same weight for nearly 15 months. we keep telling amelia she needs to pack on some pounds to play with the big kids (her sister & cousins).

***

again, i feel that i am improving this week. it appears this concoction of meds dr im & dr arce have me on is working. one migraine a week is so much better than a migraine every other day. plus the muscle soreness isn't as pronounced. i am just very thankful that this is working & maybe, just maybe, i will feel back to normal in late january as dr im predicted. enough talk about that stuff.

***

we have received THREE christmas cards already (parsons--you outdid yourselves! thank you, thank you). so that means i need to get off my duff & spread a little christmas cheer? which probably also means getting off the computer (especially since there is a very *loud* bang coming from the upstairs play room...hhmm). as adeline asked this morning: can we go somewhere today, mom?! i asked her 'go where?' & she replied "mall, mom, mall. let's go!" ugh, really, to the mall? where a creepy man dressed up like santa will be? & tons of other parents & kids? with your cough? i was thinking target sounded fun. (oh gosh, then i remembered the one time i took them to target & adeline vomited three times & they had to give us a free shirt so she wouldn't have to leave in the freezing cold without a shirt or coat on? maybe target's not such a hot idea.) but i know what adeline is feeling. she's been sick for the past 2 1/2 days, mostly staying at home. she doesn't have a fever anymore, so maybe we will venture out. (does that mean we all have to get out of pj's?! shock & horror).

a few minutes to rest

so i had this very warm & fuzzy picture of what could be today: kids playing together, me getting everyone ready to brave the mall playground, going out to lunch, coming home to finish laundry, pack for our thanksgiving travels, & nap times for two, a tivo show for me.

that dream day is such bull honkey!

instead, i have the tv tuned into the pbs cartoons for adeline to hopefully become warped into tv-land kid zombie so i can get the (more than i thought) laundry done & try to keep amelia from cutting her fingers off with the scissors she commandeered while i was doing that laundry in the basement (3 minutes, folks! 3 minutes is all it takes for a climbing toddler to get onto the computer desk, pull all the files out, fling papers everywhere, empty the contents of the colored pencils holder, find the very sharp scissors & then open them...i arrived just in time to see her sticking her finger between the blades. it was a bad mom moment).

am i not organized enough for days like this? i know i have this energy depletion problem, but golly gee willuckers (spelling is wrong on that last word, but that was a saying my sibs & i used to say a lot. or maybe it was just dorky me). days like this where i have an agenda (packing, laundry, hopefulness that my girls will play together long enough that we can get out the door to *do* something)...well, days like this usually leave me feeling hopeless, lonely, bored, antsy, etc. name all the bad things stay at home moms feel & that is me today.

SO. insert change of attitude here *attitude change*

i am thankful that i have two adorable, mischievous, independent, beautiful girls to occupy my time. all day. all my time.

i am thankful that i have a husband who i can call & rant about what the girls are doing at that moment & he is able to get me to laugh about it (if i'm not already crying, then he's able to get my crying to stop at least).

i am thankful that i have friends who are going through the same crumminess, not b/c they are miserable at times also, but b/c we can relate & encourage one another.

i am thankful for tv & than adeline finally seems to grasp that it can entertain her for longer than 15 minutes. *finally!*

i am thankful for the gate at the top of the stairs that is keeping the two rascals at bay right now.

i am thankful for our parents who are all amazing grandparents & who help us out in so many ways.

i am thankful that i have medicine to help me feel better (i am feeling better, mostly).

i am thankful for fleece. & electric blankets. & our furnace (even though it's ancient & loud).

must go, i think amelia is trying to climb over the gate now...

a few things, again

oh baby, it's cold outside. isn't she adorable in her new hat?!

we buy our kids used coats but new hats b/c hats can make or break an outfit, right? right. & they have to be lined...i wish they made a hat this warm & soft for adults. even with the hearts on it, i would wear it. darn it.
***
light pollution

so you've read about our woes with the whole new light pole situation. well, the new one is installed & working. so does the one across the street & down a bit. & then the other 2 dozen or so. BUT WHY ARE THE OLD ONES STILL ON? not only is this light pollution but it's also a waste of electricity. don't worry, i've already written the president of our subdivision & if they're both still on next week, i plan to also call the westerville electrical division to post a complaint (the subdivision president said i made good points & he would look into this situation. but if the lights aren't off soon...it will hit the fan).

i've talked to a few other annehurst resident (our subdivision) who find the *new* light poles to be a bit odd & one lady specifically was like 'it's day light in at night!' & it's true. with both lights on it sort of looks like dusk. our blinds can't even keep all the light out! it lights up our *backyard* partially. ridiculous.

in idaho we went to this star gazing event in the middle of nowhere, the place with sand dunes...what is that called?! but anyway, they had these pictures of light pollution from space. it was amazing & sad. that place in idaho, well, it didn't really have any lights on at night & the stars were breath taking. when i really allow myself to divulge in thinking about things like this, i literally feel sick. not b/c we can't see stars (except the few bright ones) from our back yard but b/c columbus isn't even the worst off city--nor was the united states. i understand the reason for lighting at night--safety--but...what are we doing to the earth as the need for light snowballs to more use of electricity & global warming (yes, i believe them).

there are things that get my feathers ruffled & i'm finding that talking politics isn't the main "ruffler" anymore (not b/c i feel more middle of the spectrum but b/c i will just tune you out, lol) but i think the desire to keep the earth enjoyable & for the human race to make less of an impact...well, that's my main ruffler. call me a hippy or whatever you will, but what we do with our waste & electricity & pollution has effects/ it's naive to think we don't have an impact.

i was telling some ladies last weekend how easy it was to feel jesus in idaho b/c every time i went outdoors, i could see the mountains looming & for an ohioan, that was *impressive*...in ohio, there's just not that WHAM of a natural beauty around us. but in autumn ohio is beautiful with the array of color next to the gray or sometimes blue sky. so this is the time in ohio when god is in the leaves & i get all sappy & think about the seasons of life & weather. & then i miss idaho even more... & to think, i was so concerned that wes would send me packing back to ohio without him (that was a near possibility) & here i am the one admitting that i wish we could still live there (but how to get all of our family & ohio friends there as well? we just can't have it all, eh?).
***
anyway.
adeline has been snuggly with me the past week. i like it, really i do. especially when amelia holds her arms out to her daddy when i'm holding her. *smile*

amelia post oreo. what is this, animal? vegetable? miracle? (miracle)

wes loves this picture b/c the sippy cup is about 1/3 the height of amelia herself. & she has on that orange ribbon that kept her occupied for nearly an hour the other day. she is does *not* have a cranky disposition, this one.

adeline dancing to the curious george opening song. it's a ritual in our house. we dance & adeline jumps & it's great fun. then i have approximately 30 minutes of time to GO GO GO, usually carrying amelia around, but still...GO GO GO.

i don't even know what we're doing this weekend; isn't that marvelous?!

a few good, a few bad

within the past 2 hours a few things occured that i *need* to write about.

1. blond incident
during both pregnancies i actually prayed that god would somehow make my girls have black hair, to get wes' genes (if you've know our girls, that prayer was not answered, grrr). i do not like my blond hair very much for several reasons the main reason being that i end up being the butt of jokes or not taken very seriously at times. i can at some point recall more examples than i have phalanges. want an example, you non believers? first year college professor, math 101 (yes, i suck at math, i understand that) & i quote: you don't have to be that good at math; you're a blond! you'll get through life just fine without great math skills". yes, that was in front of the ENTIRE class. laughter followed (not by me, i was more shooting darts at that ass of a professor). at one point, someone who is a very kind & funny person said a (funny) blond joke & i totally started sobbing. not against that person, but just b/c it was about the 4th one i'd heard that week & i was trying to not be upset about it...so i cried instead. talk about an awkward moment for everyone there, lol.

so today, i ventured to a verizon wireless store to get a new phone *finally* after my last one flew off the car & became a mush of wires & plastic. i go in, see other customers being taken care of, mill around looking at phones & then a sales dude approached me. i explained that i'm out of contract, wanting a new phone for about $40 & i want a alpha key pad. i had done my homework, checked out online versus in store & we get a discount through wes' (shh, previous) employer.

the sales dude then starts to talk to me like an elementary kid. you know--well, you mean you need something so you can text faster? we're out of phones that are unique colors (i didn't even ask). look at this trick this phone can do, flips both ways, neat huh? do you need a hand figuring this one out? blah blah blah. i look around & another woman is in there, similar age & appearance & she is being taken seriously, given numbers right away, talking business right? this dude is talking to me like all i care about is getting a phone that is shiny or pink. i barely got out 'thanks for your time' before i turned & walked away as he was hovering around me while i looked at other phones. looong story short, this happens randomly to me & if it were just once, i would take it as a terrible sales job. when it continuously happens & the more assertive i get, the more cutesy they get with me...well, i want to kick them in the family jewels.

it's hard enough being taken seriously as a woman in a tech place/store but the worst was seeing another woman being treated with respect & then me being downsized, my only guess is b/c i look like the blond bimbo that pop culture makes me out to be. not saying that i'm all hot with large breasts hanging out everyone going 'well, duh, like yea' ... but i have blond hair & that's usually enough to be treated like an idiot.

now you know: don't tell blond jokes around me. i used to ignore or laugh & feel terrible about myself (teens). then i would get upset but not know what to say, then cry (20's). now i'm getting pissed about it & who knows, i may just end up arrested b/c i kicked someone in the nads. (so you know, i have NEVER heard a blond joke from a woman. never; hence the testicle kicking talk).

i think i'll be dying my hair shortly. maybe red will fit better with my anger possibilities.

***
2. grocery store on a budget
we're crunching numbers here, yes, even though i'm blond, *smile* & trying to cut down on costs everywhere. we can't afford babysitters. we can't afford another brain tumor FOR SURE. i mean, nearly every week we get a medical bill(s) around $100. so now that harold drained our savings & our lack of immune systems are draining our flexible income, we have crunched our budget, lowered numbers... gone are the weeks of $150 at the grocery store. so i went today (fuming, after the verizon store) & made my way through the grocery hoping to hit around $75... well, i am proud to announce i got out of the store for an entire week of dinners & lunches for *SIXTY DOLLARS* (& that includes a three pound rack of pork ribs--$10--for wes' new smoker, a surprise for him being wonderful). wait, that also included a bag of kit kats for me to eat my anger away.

i left the store with a renewed sense of power--we can make it on this new budget! what i saved at the grocer makes up for the $30 spent at the pharmacy this week, lol. wes & i were talking about it last night & i want this income decrease to be more of a challenge. are we up for it? can i say the big *N O* to the extras at the grocery store? to new clothes for a few seasons? to eating out to save my sanity (must get planning meals down better this year than last). but i'm feeling good about it.

***
3. 70's music enjoyment.
somehow even though i grew up going to gbc & going to a private gbc (grace brethren church; conservative, the kind that boycotted the smurfs in the 80's. i know many people who love that church, but i can also vouch for myself & several others who were more than hurt by it) & we weren't allowed to listen to secular radio or most tv shows (heck, we didn't even have a tv half the time)...anyway, somehow my dad got away with letting us listen to classic rock, the good stuff. i remember a led zeppelin lp very well & it was played so blaring loud that windows shook in the house sometimes. so then i become a teenager & did't really want to listen to what my parents listen to & got interested in the grunge stuff & L7 (shitlist! how can you not like that song?!) & ani difranco, etc. then i date a jerk of a 70's music fan (you know, the abusive guy who thought he would be a rock star & made blond jokes constantly?). so after all of that 70's music/classic rock gave me a bad vibe & i mostly refused to listen to it for nearly a decade.

today, driving back from the grocery store, after my rock bottom experience at the verizon store then after my wonderful *under* budget trip for food...a 70's song was the only good thing on the radio. so i listened to it as i sat through a red light (there are so many of those on polaris pkwy!). {really, columbus does not have great radio stations for the size of the city. come on, boise, idaho had better station selection! & they have a million less residents! *AND* in boise there was always the option of the spanish music stations when nothing good was on (in fact, they had 2! TWO! i used to just listen to those stations sometimes, loved it.)} anyway, i listened to the song, i knew it of course (thanks dad *smile*) & actually started to enjoy it. i turned it up. i even tapped my finger on the steering wheel like my dad does & sang it out loud (yes, my voice is back!).

i'm just saying it was a good moment. i decided not to drive back to the verizon store & kick the sales dude in the nuts.

just the two of us

strawberrys delight& what is that picture of these delightful strawberries about? well, those are our first ripe berries of the year!

that would be amelia & me, the mama. we stayed at home while daddy & adeline go off to a bbq party. *sigh* the joys of being ill. this cold has really kicked the bottoms off amelia & i. i was hoping yesterday was my worst day of the illness, but as i woke up this morning i knew that was wrong. maybe today is the worse (or would it be "worst"??) day? yes, carol, as you said in your email, having a cold when it's not cold outside is just wrong! maybe b/c in the winter, when sick, you don't feel so shabby staying inside in a near comatose position all day? but during the warmer months, particularly a spring holiday weekend...being sick just plain sucks.

anyway, blah blah blah sickness.

so wes & adeline left around 3, leaving me with the millie monster (who is the cutest monster ever). after her nap, we played peek a boo with laundry (yes, why am i doing laundry when sick AND holiday?!), read books...then i would sort of zone out on cold medicine & find amelia crawling on me frantically trying to get my attention. it was fun to just hang with the wee one, but i do wish we could've also gone to the bbq! i was looking forward to this for the past few days, hoping my cold would go away by now. i just feel so bad taking sick kids somewhere, ya know? well, apparently adeline had a wonderful time playing with the bunch of boys & another wee but tough toddling girl. (why is it that nearly all our idaho friends are having girls & nearly all the ohio friends have boys?!).

amelia is finally able to read books without older sister disruption & book swiping.

& yesterday we ventured to cinnamon lake (ohio) for my twin niece's birthdays! they're two, which is baffling to think about. i think i finally rid my brain of connecting their names with the vision of them as ohsotiny babies & now i have to add to their brainfile (a term i am now saying is a real word) that they are two!

so this is leila (my sister in law) & her grandma behind her, then chloe & zoe while we are singing happy birthday (which they were so happy to be sung to. heart melting moment, folks).addy running with a stick. brilliant. (where are her parents? lol)

chloe & zoe playing in/around/near my brother's new compost bins/piles. they are mighty spiffy & put ours to shame, sadly.

last week i finished "the book of ruth" (not the one from the bible) by jane hamilton. & i can't get it out of my mind. i have a very hard time watching violence on tv (law & order/ncis/heros/etc can give me nightmares & sad awake thoughts for days). anyway, i bought this book years ago at the vineyard bookstore, thinking it was a devotional or something of that sort. not so! & before i read it now i didn't really know what it was about...until the end. darn it! hate it when that happens. i sorta thought it was similar to "zippy" & "she got up off the couch" by haven kimmel (which are two books i highly recommend, btw, as is her "the solace of leaving early" novel). anyway, this book of ruth ends with a brutal murder (of the mother of ruth) & the wife/mother being beaten nearly to death while pregnant by her mentally unstable husband. (sorry, if i just ruined this book if anyone was going to read it. i do recommend it, if you can handle the violent end; this author has a way of writing in a midwestern dialogue, which made me laugh).

some may know, some may not know, but i was in an abusive relationship in high school (for 3 years! egads) & it just really pains me to even read a fictional account of abuse. but it has made me pull closer to god & wes & hold my girls a bit tighter .... knowing what i know, hopefully i can help them not get into the same situation i was in. but it's not really my choice, it's theirs, which is very hard to let go of. anyway, these are the thoughts that are plaguing the sickly mama right now.

& now, to bed!

so just what have the gerbicks been up to?

the answer to the title question: not much. daily life. the mundane becoming the exciting.

this year wes & i have promised each other that we will do more enjoying of our backyard/gardens than working in them. the past two years have been filled with setting up new garden beds, cultivating soil, & trying to get all the weeds out of the yard (thistles! ouch). wait. i have to confess that last year wes did most of that while i lay miserable on a patio chair moaning about the miseries of pregnancy & why did god punish me again by giving me another 3rd-trimester-in-the-summer-baby. so now that we've established that i did no work of substance in the yard--except pulling weeds & dead-heading flowers, which i love to do (& practiced doing hip/round ligament joint stretches/squats & stretches while pulling weeds)...anyway, we want to enjoy our yard & fruits of our labor this summer. so far...we haven't done that! i tried to talk wes into relaxing outside in the sun this afternoon; instead, he put in the final herb garden box (so now my chives can be planted finally...they're huge!) then he also planted posts for the concord grapes & soon-to-be planted raspberries (well, they were planted last year but died a painful, hot death in august). & while he did all that work...i read a book this afternoon! not an entire book, of course, but quite a few chapters which is more than i've had the time to read in MONTHS.

this weekend seems to be emphasizing the everyday things that are simply good things in life. for quite a few years, around the time wes & i met & were married, i was so sure we were destined for an exciting life in another country. maybe south america, maybe africa, maybe asia...but it was plainly told to wes & i through prayers & random christian-hearing-god-sorta-people coming up saying this to us: god wants you to enjoy life as a family, here in the u.s. i've heard the pastor of the vineyard columbus say that not a lot of people are called to this & i was like 'why us?! we want to go! we'd be good at it!' & it was so hard to hear that we are to live in a house, doing everything that everyone else can do... come on, wes & i can go DAYS without taking showers, we'd do great in other countries & as missionaries, lol. & all along we keep meeting people who have been missionaries & doing trips to other countries. so for quite a while, i would be a bit mopey about it, wondering why i was told to stay & be a tab-bit bored while everyone else got to GO & think & do & explore. (but i know we'll get our turn).

& over the past year i think wes & i have finally began to understand that god has many things in store for us...even if we're not going on adventures (as in exotic vacations or ministry). we are trying our darnedest to get involved in different things (which isn't easy for two introverts) & put ourselves out there a bit more. but that's not even what i'm talking about...i guess it has more to do with enjoying what we have for what it is: we have two enchanting (at least to us!) wee girls who mostly adore us, we have a strong marriage, (mostly) good health, a job/career, a home, we hear/feel/desire jesus, our families aren't totally coo-ky (lol, really, our families are really amazing), & best of all we have a budget (that one was for my husband).

over the past few years my sister has reiterated to me over & over again that i shouldn't feel guilty when i am a bit off/bored/sad/frustrated over things in my life. you know, all the mundane things that can tip a stay at home mom over the edge (round the calendar illnesses, miserable pregnancies, children who insist on peeing on the floor, a dog who rubs his butt on the carpet...just daily grievances). often i try to stop myself from getting frustrated over these things b/c they seem so, oh--silly?--to get upset about. & some people would just tell me to suck it up, i have it good, etc etc. but not my sister, or my family, or wes' family, or wes, or my friends, & most importantly not jesus/god. i am continuously reminded that jesus is here with me throughout the day, helping me calm down when adeline is throwing a tantrum for over 30 minutes. those things...like last friday when i wanted to jump onto a slow boat to china & just chill on that boat for about 2 months. i don't know what i'd do when i got there, but i was READY. instead we went to judy's birthday bonfire-party! good choice, i agree.

but lately we have noticed ourselves finding more joy in these daily parenting/marriage/u.s. family of 4 in the suburbs. there is joy in it, in having children & being here to watch them mature & sort of stewing in our community & home (you know: birth twice, stir a few times, sit back & watch it on a slow boil??). i guess what we're feeling, especially me, is that god is telling us that this is where we are needed to further his kingdom. sometimes i guess i do feel like i am in some foreign country battling out some terrible satan-spawned army...but then i realize it's just my children & i should stop day dreaming. *wink*

since we have returned to vineyard columbus several people that we used to be acquainted with have approached us (or one of us individually) & said how great it is to see jesus in our marriage & kids & that we are living out the life jesus has given us to the fullest...& i'm like "what? do you know i change diapers all day? & i just told me 2 year old to shut up last week?" (yea, not one of my finer moments, i know, but if you're a parent please don't lie & say you've never been there also. i have a feeling it happens to all of us at one point. mine just happened to be very recent!). anyway, i guess i am just finally understanding it all...even this mundane life is good to him.

& i had to make it over 6 paragraphs b/c wes made fun of me & said i couldn't write a post under 6 paragraphs. so i am proving him right?!?

waiting on a baby to fall asleep

i am starting this post during the time amelia should be sleeping & i should be taking a shower (post gym showering is very necessary, but sometimes unattainable...yes, egads!).

for the past ten years i have been striving towards finding a happy medium between being a passive & extreme person...this has been much more difficult than i could have anticipated. by my nature i am a very, oh, aggressive person, which is interesting b/c i'm also very sensitive & shy. go figure. so, it takes a while of getting to know me to see the aggressive side. i have had to step back from several things (politics, women's rights) on my way to being in that middle road, lest i become so extreme that i turn others away. i'm in no way desiring to be passive...i actually think being passive is another way of letting the world go on around you, being disengaged (& i don't think that's what god has called us to be).

anyway, the closer you get to me, the more likely you are to see this desire to be "involved". first it was my parents...oh how they love me for getting through my teenage years & still call themselves my parents! i know i seem calm & quiet & all, but ask my family & you will hear something completely different (my family nickname is "feisty"). then my dear sister & friend christine saw my desire to fight the system. then my husband. chances are, most of my closer friends & family have seen this...but most recently my dear dear friend, judy has been introduced to this side of me... the 'call to arms' heidi who wants to bring down whatever is holding down others.

do i think it's a bad thing? no, not really. do i need to keep it in check? yes.

funny thing is, what i spouted off to judy was nothing in comparison to what i'm capable of...somehow i've learned to argue & rant & get so entangled in something...judy was maybe caught off-guard? unbeknownst? anyway, she is a dear friend & i hope she realizes that in this weird way, b/c i felt comfortable with her enough to do a mini rant over the phone that this means i trust her even more than ever?? anyway, judy, sorry you are tangled up in this b/c you are such a kind & soft person....again, it's the theory that has me in a tizzy. i'm just tired of groups pointing fingers to everyone else about this global warming stuff. you posting a video that someone else would enjoy? not a problem? what i think of the video? hhmm, maybe my problem.

so, what am i so upset about? it involves changing the global living situation & sorta seems to place blame on urban sprawl & suburbs & cul-du-sacs. & yea, i live in the suburbs, at the end of a cul-du-sac. but i grew up in a very rural area & have also lived in the city of columbus (which, really, is it that much of an urban city compared to larger cities??). since moving back to columbus i keep hearing chatter about how the suburbs are filled with people who just don't care about the environment & global issues & community & each other. but i have found it to be the exact opposite...& that fact infuriates me! that blame is being placed where it shouldn't be, that assumptions & stereotypes & biases are being created & pushed; but they are false.

i have never lived around a group of people who truly seem to care for each other as i do right now. my neighbors can be trusted to watch over our house or take care of our dog or lend a hand with yard work or moving...i could go on & on. they are kind. our immediate neighbors bike to work, nearly everyone has a vegetable garden. people walk to parks. & we gerbickians, living smack-dab in the middle of westerville-suburbia, are trying our darndest to take care of the environment & make it a more beautiful, healthy place for our kids & future generations. god does call us to be stewards of the earth! & we want to do that in addition to helping the poor/hungry/weak/lost/hurt/etc.

it just seems to me that according to some environmentalists, it is never enough to just be doing your best. now it appears that b/c i live in the suburbs, in a subdivision that has cul-du-sacs where folks can't walk to a store or work, that we're doing more harm than good, that we are the cause of the ills in the environment. i understand why some people say 'to hell with it' about recycling & such. b/c it's never enough according to some, we are always doing something wrong.

i know why this has upset me so much: b/c i am being proactive about the environment, i want to do everything i can to reduce my impact & now it seems futile & my house & family are being shown to be the 'problem'. & that hurts (enter the ***sensitive*** part of me here). every movement has its setbacks & i have to say that the environmental movement seems to have this pedestal & wagging finger & yikes, i am frustrated with that. i don't want to be part of something that is blaming people & lifestyles. i want to be part of something that encourages & meets people where they are in life & home.

yea, this urban living ideal sounds great! walk to the store/park/work/communal gardens. i love that, i love the thought & vision...but do you have to also in the same breath criticize others? stereotype others? blame others?

doi, i think i need a shower.

daddy lovin'

i made it to the gym this morning (b/c my parents were here yesterday & then the appraiser was here b/c we are refinancing) & came home around 10 & got millie in bed & just as i was soaping my hair up in the shower, amelia starts screaming. apparently she was stuck in the crib rails...again! but, ah, what can i do with shampoo in my hair? so i finish the shower quickly & get some goop in my hair (or else i will look, uh...like einstein) & then eucerin lotion on lickity split (or else i will ITCH for the next week) & then get a bottle ready in .9 seconds & put another dora show on for adeline & then whisk millie out of her crib that has snot & cry spots all over it. she was at the exact opposite end of where i had put her down & was all rolled up in her blanket sobbing. poor little one. but a mama's got to take a shower after a work out.

feed millie, put her down for a second nap attempt & make my way downstairs & am welcomed with horrendous sobbing coming from adeline. apparently it was not the dora show she wanted (we have about 9 24-minute episodes on our tivo from dvd's). we went through all of the dora episodes & she couldn't find the one she wanted. so i turned the tv off b/c it was beyond frustrating...which only increased her sobbing tenfold. SIGH. i tell her it's time to calm down & i go off to dry my hair a bit.

10 minutes later, i come down to hear her sobbing & calling out for daddy, which she had been doing the entire 10 minutes i was gone. she cries for daddy for sometimes & that's okay with me. they have a pretty close relationship & i love it. i think i'm secure enough in our relationship (me & addy) that i am just honkey dory with her wanting others sometimes. like last night when my parents left from their spring break visit & adeline sobbed & reached out as they left & was just plain heartbroken (as were my parents). i think it's great that she is so close to her daddy & grandparents (okay, & her aunts, uncles, judy, & cousins...she is a very loving little girl, now that i think of all the people she cries for sometimes). so i let her call wes on the phone & she is so happy to hear him talk & he suggests that she watch 'miffy' & is happy for awhile (until right now she is again on the floor crying & calling out for daddy).

that is my morning so far.

oh & i failed to mention that i have had my eyes opened to the importance of wearing a bra. the gym is not only good for exercise, but also so catch a glimpse of 70-80 year old women completely naked (& younger women as well) in the locker room. not that i enjoy this AT ALL. i try to divert my eyes as much as possible but there's only so much of the floor i can watch as i find my locker amongst the naked women. i believe they are all getting dressed from the pool & apparently they feel comfortable enough to strip down in front of 20 or sometimes 30 other women in the locker room. so i've now seen the progression of boob saggyiness & feel the need to wear a bra even more now (b/c even small breasts will sag, i have now discovered). i'm not even talking about a minor sag, this is, you know the joke, to the knees sort of sagging. i wonder if this is the generation of hippies?? is this those early baby boomers turned bra burning hippies in the elderly years already? anyway. i think i will make my way to a good bra store to ensure full support very soon.

AND the trees lining our street now have blooms peeking out. so this week, if you want to see something very pretty indeed, drive around in annehurst subdivision in westerville & you will see streets lined with white blooms on trees. beautiful!

& that's all i have time for b/c adeline is now in the throes of a 25 minute tantrum that has progressed to spit spewing out of her mouth, throwing things, hitting things (which make her get hurt, etc) & then shouting loudly, i'm sure waking amelia up very very soon.