break time

being a stay at home mom makes 'break time' or 'lunch time' seem glamorous. when i think about whether or not i'm happy & content being a SAHM i compare it to what i would be doing otherwise: going crazy in the morning to get everyone out the door (b/c that's just us), dropping kids off, then driving to work for most likely 20 minutes ALONE (driving alone in itself seems very alluring), working, LUNCH TIME, working, maybe a BREAK TIME, driving again for 20 (or 30) minutes ALONE, picking up kids, then driving for however long again, then getting dinner ready. seriously, it seems doable & enjoyable. then i get to the part about 'working'...& that's when the glamor fizzles. b/c i picked social work as a career & then i burnt out as a social worker after working just 3 1/2 years (counting unpaid internship? almost 4 1/2 years).

so remembering how stressed i was coming home from work & the knot in my stomach driving to work & the heaps of sorrow & madness i saw at work *every single day*...i just am not ready to dive back into that (lol, thus i let my license go un-renewed!). comparing the two possibilities (a job as a social worker--sans license-- or another job such as a personal assistant/receptionist), i choose SAHM-edness, a full day, without a break usually. (btw: i know i could find some paper-pushing social work job around here, but i doubt the salary would cover day care costs.)

**disclaimer: i am not opening the can of mama-wars here. just discussing thoughts. i truly really don't give a rats ass if you decide to work or not b/c i truly really don't think it affects how you are as a parent or how your kids end up at age 18. truly really.**

me staying home just seems to fit with us & for the most part, i love it. i know, i moan about certain things sometimes & at times call wes frantically saying: you have 35 1/2 minutes to get home before i may do something i regret (& then put the girls in the pac n play until he gets home while i'm playing mindless computer games in my zone with thoughts such as 'these crazies aren't my kids! some one just dropped them off at my door, who knows *why* they act this way b/c they're not mine'. but they are mine & i love them with my whole being, even on those rotten days). anyway, my point in bringing all this up is the lack of a break time during the day.

i was hoping that when adeline went to preschool, amelia would find some time to amuse herself with toys & such so i could shower or read an article or a book chapter or bake a bit...but that hasn't panned out. she's bored! she wants her sister. she wants me to carry her around (which hurts me, so i don't do it unless very necessary, so i just get to listen to a whiny 13 month old). but there have been great moments as well; her & i on the floor throwing addy's number cards in the air & reading animal books & making sounds & seeing her trying to walk, etc etc etc. yes, my dear amelia, there are wonderful times.

then there are the days when i just need a break. most days my lunch consists of half of what i prepared for myself. then i set out an apple for myself & some little girl who's name starts with an A steals it & i have totally forgotten it was mine to begin with anyway. i'm thinking back to the times when adeline was amelia's age...what did i do to occupy her so i could take a shower? write an email? do some dinner prep? clean for 20 minutes? do some laundry? (whisky tango foxtrot! {thank you scotty} i was almost prego with amelia when adeline was amelia's age! WHISKY TANGO FOXTROT! {& that carol, is the army was of saying WTF. get it? it took me forever to get it! but, in my humble opinion, a great substitution with kids around who repeat words).

so back to the amelia & independent play situation...the two girls are very different, we can see that plainly already & i think adeline was just much more independent at this age. amelia is the one who is very interested in what i'm doing, not what her toys have to offer. she's all *teach me! help me learn! i want a hug! show me things!*

so right now wes is taking the girls for a walk which will end with adeline coughing for 30 minutes afterwards...but i need a break before the monday (now insert a very scary, thriller-movie noise) starts. b/c mondays really suck, sahm or not, right?! ah, break time, lunch time... sounds purely marvelous. (& unrealistic, as my last social work job i did NOT get either. what's that about the grass is greener on the other side? i really don't think it is. i remember that grass well.)

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anyway, adeline is on her 3rd apple of the day. as in, she has eaten THREE apples just today, plus her other 5 snacks & 2 meals so far. it's like she has this seasonal fruit beacon on her tongue & will choose to eat in season if given the option. she will now choose an apple over a strawberry but back when the strawberries were just a backyard away, she would choose a strawberry over *anything* in the world. this girl would be a favorite of barbara kingsolver if they knew each other, of course.

& then amelia, well, she's back to sleeping well for the most part (as good as a 13 month old can sleep) & being her happy-destroyer droid self. we have missed this side of her for the past few weeks. her new trick is to turn herself around in her highchair *even when buckled in* stand up, then sit on the tray & eat her food in that position. now that's a girl who dances to her own drum. we love it; dance away!

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& to end it: i've made pumpkin soup for the 1st time today. & it tastes great...almost as good as butternut squash soup. now i'm off to make some croutons.