christmas

maybe i said i would post a movie. did i? (yes). sorry, that's not going to happen...b/c it's already wednesday night! where do the days go? i was hoping-thinking-wishing i would have more time to do things like a movie since wes is home. but i don't, somehow. the days are filled with random & daily errands & visits. but i will come through with a synopsis of our christmas.

***
christmas eve

we, meaning *me* (heidi) really wanted to attend our christmas eve service (they had 4 of them, the least we could do was go to one of them, eh?). somehow we picked the one without childcare. (or maybe they all didn't have childcare?) so amelia spent 40 minutes on wes' shoulders & adeline spent the 40 minutes splaying herself along our 4 chairs, attempting to crawl under the seats, annoying the very old & grumpy woman sitting next to us, & then also turned around interacting with the 4 college age guys behind us. i spent the 40 minutes trying to keep adeline from disappearing in a crowd of 2,000, trying to sing along, etc.

but the service was amazing. it was complete with the candles, choir, solos, & bunches of kids looking very cute & antsy in their christmas outfits. i'm not quite sure who leads worship yet b/c there is nearly always a different person each time we go--which hasn't been so often these past few months--but this person deserves quite a pat on the back. there was this one solo of oh holy night...if you watch this video, she's the white lady in a white shirt to the left. amazing. i think even the college boys behind us had tears in their eyes. or maybe that was b/c adeline threw a pencil at one of them & their laughing lead to crying. hard to tell.

after 40 minutes & 10 minutes trying our darnedest to sit through the service we decided to go out into the atrium & let the kiddos run wild...stepping out into the atrium was like stepping into the wilds, holy night for sure. there were dozens of kids going crazy, running around in packs up & down the steps, chasing each other, dancing, de-clothing (not one of mine this time!). so we let them do the run-wild for another 10 minutes then it was time to jet home to plop them in their beds. i think amelia was asleep by the time we arrived home 10 minutes later.

a picture of the kids before the service

i just think this picture *adorable*
***
christmas morning

adeline woke up a bit later than normal, nearly 7:20 a.m.! we had closed the top gate hoping to keep her upstairs to wake us up...but somehow wes & i were both already awake & we waited a few grueling minutes with adeline until amelia woke up.

then. it was the best moment of addy's life. oh it seemed that way. she saw the presents & was all 'oh my. oh wow' in some awed whisper voice. she picked through the presents giving amelia her gifts & then ripping her own open with gusto. i really don't think we had time to get a decent picture of her opening her gifts.

adeline then moved on to helping sleepy amelia open her gifts...which was taking forever. i'm not quite sure if it was b/c she was so tired or we just didn't get what amelia was hoping to get. so adeline finished opening amelia's gifts. (i'm sure next year the situation will be so different).

adeline going through her stocking

amelia yawning through her gifts. this is about as excited as she was the entire time.

***
miraculous drive

so after breakfast we loaded the car up & off we went, driving to avon lake for 3+ days. i was prepared for the crying & whining & packed a very substantial 'fun' bag for the 2 1/2 hour journey. BUT WE DIDN'T NEED IT. the girls watched the curious george movie & laughed. they played with each other. they only went through one snack bowl each. amelia slept for a wee bit. adeline would happily start to sing jingle bells randomly. it was amazing. (is this how other people's kids have always behaved in the car?!) somehow we made the 2 1/2 hour drive into a 2 hour 3 minute drive. wes & i just looked at each other as we pulled into the driveway: brilliant christmas gift, a quiet & pleasant car ride.

***

christmas afternoon & evening at the gerbicks

my in-laws totally rocked the doll situation, folks. our girls now each have an oak doll cradle, share an oak doll bunk bed, have an oak doll high chair, an oak doll stroller, an oak doll ironing board...seriously. if you want to get some serious doll playing action in, come to our house. these doll toys will live longer than me!

the girls in front of their tree (i think this is actually the 26th of december. my foul.)

sorry for the sorta boring post. i'm pretty tired & have had headaches & migraines for the past 2 days, so...(& no, i don't think it's b/c wes is home. i fear what our house would have become over the past 2 days if he wasn't home. maybe rubble?).

it still shocks me that tomorrow is thursday already. how? where have i been?

another story!

this IS the year my oldest daughter's technology intelligence surpasses my own. here is a glimpse:

we're in the car. i am somehow doing a cirque-du-soleil contortionist move with half my body in the front seat, belted in, while the other half is turned, reaching & looking behind the driver's side seat, trying to re-start the car dvd player. amelia is asleep. it is snowing cats & dogs outside. wes is fully concentrating on driving through the snow & ice on i-71 with heavy, post-christmas traffic. i whisper loudly so wes can hear me: HOW DO YOU GET THIS THING TO REPLAY?!

wes *& adeline* respond simultaneously.

wes: hit stop & then play. {with an air of 'why don't you know this already, wife?}

adeline: I KNOW, MOMMY, I KNOW! STOP & then GO! {her version of stop & play?}

wes: {laughing} what addy said. she just told you, dear.

me: enough, you two. i get it.

i then follow my 3 year old's instructions & the movie is playing again. i feel so stupid.

& where have you been?

we spent the christmas day & weekend with wes' family, in avon lake. usually they have a white christmas, but *sniff sniff* that didn't happen this year (the snow waited until we drove home. glorious.) it was a good christmas & i'm sure sometime this week i'll bombard you reader with pictures & maybe even a video (oh yes, feeling crazy like that). i mean, the girls got some crazy doll accessories, just you wait to see them. until then...

***

...i'll share a heidi-kissing-the-ground story.

saturday we had lunch at the very yummy pizza shop where wes' brother & sister-in-law work (danny boys, in rocky river, oh). you must go, if not for the breadsticks, then just to leave bri a nice tip. so we ate & then decided that wes & i were going to take the afternoon off, with the ever so kind grandparents driving the girls back to their place & hanging with them (while wes & i got all crazy at the outdoor mall, freezing our baduchkas off {if that is the incorrect spelling/meaning, sorry, that's just a saying i use}). this trade off went best if the grandparents took our car with the kids in their car seats & we took their car (no car seats! no kids! hooray!) & there was some discussion about wes' dad grabbing their garage door opener so they could get back inside their house. good idea!

so we were driving along lake road, a busy 2-4 lane road alongside lake erie, with the grandparents/kids following us in our car. wes & i then notice a garage door opener attached to the visor. we were like 'oh no, they left the opener in the car, oh no...' & then we pulled up to a red light & wes sorta handed it to me, gave me a GO! RUN! look, & i opened the car door & ran back to them behind us only to hear once they opened the passenger window: {chuckle, chuckle} "that's cliff & bri's opener! we already have ours" {chuckle chuckle}. so then i notice that the light was turning green & gave them a return chuckle & took off running back to the van (wes thankfully didn't start driving away).

then. somehow, i totally tripped. it's as if my feet were yanked out under me. i remember thinking it felt like my legs were tied up... folks, i don't usually fall like this. i'm not super coordinated, but i don't really remember a fall *like this*. wes says all he saw was me running, then he saw my gloved hands fly through the air, then there was nothing (then he wondered, 'where is heidi?'). bruce says i went down hard & sue thought i fell out of the car somehow b/c it just happened that fast & i was suddenly kissing the ground, face-planted, arms stretched out above my head.

to top that off, my upper body landed on a street gutter grate. i then had my ralphie moment, you know, "OOOOHHHH FUUUUUU%&@#@#" as i looked down & saw the garage door opener laying in the street gutter--which was thankfully very full--& i could almost get my arm through the grate...but couldn't. cars were honking & i was still just laying there in my ralphie moment, saying it over & over (oh fuuu...). then wes & sue were there helping me up, brushing off all the crap that's on the side streets. my finger was bleeding & i have some impressive bruises & scrapes on my hand & knees BUT i didn't rip or tear anything (*go* wool coat & gloves).

wes found along the side of the road a long piece of thick wire. i think this is what i tripped me, who knows really, but wes the ever-thinking-&-useful-man used that wire to pull out the garage door opener! (ahem, miracle worker). i was in some pain, but could not stop laughing about it...i wish somehow i could see it on a video b/c i totally did a superman dive. just imagine the other drivers behind us all, what they were thinking & saw--this crazy woman running up to other cars, then suddenly running back to her car but not making it & instead flying through the air, landing on a street grate...

soon after i was hurting not necessarily where i fell, such as my knees on hands, but more my neck, head, & incision hurt. we were good enough to check for spinal fluid in case i tore something along the incision (i know, i think after 5 months that would heal, but we were being *cautious*). i felt like i had some sort of whiplash & within 20 minutes a very painful migraine had set in but was taken care of my my meds & ...

...car heating seat! (my christmas present! i love my husband beyond words). so we went back to my in-laws & sue cleaned up my knee like a grandma knows how & we left to shop 15 minutes later. today, two days later my bruises are even more impressive & my neck has this twinge of pain that wasn't there before, so i'm sure it will go away soon. but i can NOT stop laughing about this incident. my ralphie incident, when i totally kissed the ground on the side of a busy road. in front of mega-mansions & my in-laws & another 100 folks driving by. & all i could say was 'oh fuuu$#$#$#$##$' & laugh.

***

wes is home this week & already is a bit like is this how they are all day? & has this minor grumpy look on his face. until amelia wants him to hold her & then he's all glowing & has this smirk of she wants me instead of you. we are slowly putting away christmas gifts & getting settled back into our house, now that the furnace temperature is turned above the 55 degree mark. so *goodbye* until we finally download pictures & such...or until we have another story to tell...

the holiday letter 2009

i have procrastinated this too long, our letter of 2009 goings-on in the gerbick family. in fact, i put it off so much that it didn't make it into christmas cards. *sigh*

so now, i must start & finish, with two squealing girls playing upstairs. one needs a diaper & is without due to a nasty diaper rash {amelia} & the other who is in grump mode b/c her wee sister is trying--with success--to take all the matchbox cars & run away as fast as her 16 month old legs can take her. i am also letting go of all parenting guilt, allowing my house to be a *disaster* & my kids to be playing upstairs without an adult present, making my house more destroyed than i can fully anticipate. you must understand this situation & forgive grammatically incorrect sentences & misspellings b/c my brain is not fully concentrating on just one thing (as all parents would understand & sympathize with, i'm sure of it).

to start, here's a recent photo of us.
(amelia, wes, heidi, adeline...sorry griswold, you missed out on the picture this time)

so let's start with our family. plain & simple: we've had a rough year. last winter we were all sick constantly. not a month went by that we didn't visit the doctor/pediatrician at least 3 times, sometimes every week with multiple visits...the pharmacists recognized us at the drive-through. our kids grew to love their medicine droppers so much that they took them everywhere after getting the dose, sucking on the ends like pacifiers. (kind of odd, yes.).

and just as illnesses were slowing down & spring was fully here & our garden was starting to grow (from seeds that wes started!), i received shocking news that i had an acoustic neuroma tumor. thankfully, we have a top-notch, world class surgeon only 15 minutes away at the ohio state university hospital (seriously, this surgeon studies these specific types of tumors, has done over 800 surgeries, & goes around the world lecturing & discussing his procedures). surgery was the best option considering the location of the tumor, my age, & the symptoms i was experiencing. once the surgery date was set (july 28) the next part of the summer was spent with wes & i in a state of panic, reviewing the surgery & surgical side effects & really, us just being in this cloud of anxiety & frantic response-parenting. really, it's not that easy for me to hear that someone is going to open up my skull & play around with very important nerves & remove part of the tumor from my brain. 'nuff said, eh?

in short, the surgery was a smashing success. they were able to remove the entire benign tumor, keep most of my hearing in my left ear, & i left the hospital after 5 days (the SICU was very comfortable, folks). learning to walk without one of my balance nerves was quite a trick, as was doing most of anything at first, but i can now say nearly 5 months later that i would do it all again, choosing the surgery over the radiation treatments. i've had some health problems post-surgery that are being treated & we can all see drastic improvements over the past month.

back to the family, eh? (but it's hard to get across how much this tumor--which i named harold--affected each of us. adeline knew mommy had an owie & would try to take care of me. i didn't think role reversal would happen to soon! amelia suddenly lost her favorite night time cuddler--ahem, me. wes took on nearly every household & childcare duty while i went through the bumpy recovery). it seems during this time of tumor-haze, our family learned to appreciate one another & simply, life, even more. dangle a carrot of brain surgery above most humans & you would most likely get the same response. however, without our extended family & our basis of love & respect for each other, wes & i & our girls could be in much worse shape. god has spoken to us & through others during this time...giving us hope for the future, peace when confronted with the 'in sickness' part of our wedding vows, joy when all the options in life are pointing towards sorrow & anger. somehow, god has turned this period of illness into a time where he is molding all of us, hopefully into something more useful to him.

***

the girls, adeline & amelia

let me mention a few things about my girls as sisters. it is such a mama-heart-warming time to see them interact with each other. the hugs back & forth--love them. i also somehow enjoy their fights, it reminds me of my own siblings, so i'm not too worried...they'll turn out just fine. but over the past few months they have developed that sibling bond & it is such a beautiful thing to witness as a parent. adeline cares for her "baby gickger" {baby sister} with such tenderness, & yes, loathing at times, but mostly with love & adoration. without knowing what we were doing, wes & i gave them something truly priceless & immeasurable: each other. {gag me & insert sappy music here; sorry, i know}...

i love to see the differences & similarities in the girls. since they are fairly close in age i wondered if they would share some characteristics. i do think they are both a bit overly-dramatic & not shy at all, but of course, they are individuals with their own ideas &, i think, theories of life. for example, adeline will sit & concentrate on completing one task endlessly. she will build a huge lego tower (or robot or school or playground) or read 20 books to herself or put together a small jigsaw puzzle or play with her beloved matchbox cars...she could play by herself for up to 90 minutes, folks. it is beautiful, yes. but. amelia will play with the legos, books, puzzles, sorters, blocks, cars, dolls all within 3 minutes. she seems to have this desire to see it all very quickly & doesn't want to be stuck playing with one thing for longer than 45 seconds (i've timed her). it seems she just has this abundance of energy...& she has now been pegged the most likely to run cross country or track b/c of this abounding energy.

the times when they play well together also lends a sanity-saver to their mom (ahem, me). it took some adjusting at first, allowing them to just go off on their own & play together, fight & then come to a preschooler & toddler sort of reconciliation. yes, the fight resolutions usually involve some sort of hair pulling or pushing someone over, but generally they get over the nastiness quickly & are back to playing loud & happily together. so, now it seems i can get in a good 30 minutes before a major fight begins & i must then intervene (lest adeline lock amelia in a dark closet again, or try to push amelia under the gate at the top of the stairs which is just a bit scary for amelia). so, a bit more parenting stress with two mobile kids, but there is a silver lining: friendship.

***

adeline, age 3

oh.my.goodness. my baby, sweet adeline...is now in...preschool. (i just feel so old saying that.) earlier in 2009 it was discovered that adeline had a significant speech delay. she was tested to be 18 months behind verbally & also to have some minor, but not insignificant, motor delays as well. i think this is b/c she cried non stop as a infant *smile* but really, we don't know the why behind the delays. we just know that they are there & need to be addressed. thankfully, there are public, special-needs preschools! seriously, this preschool class (one of 18 in our district) is amazing & she has gone from saying close to only 30 words to well over 100 & using 4-6 word sentences, & has learned to count, write, & even read a bit. & let's not forget how endearing it is to do homework with a preschooler, she is just so excited about it. when she uses scissors, though, now that is quite scary. several times i have nearly lost a finger or adeline a big chunk of her hair...but adeline *loves* to "cut cut cut".

but what else has adeline been up to this year? she's excellent at writing--she can mostly write her own name, which again makes me feel old, but proud. adeline is also quite the dramatic little girl & is known for making daily activities in school over the top. shy, she is not, my friends; i think she will fit quite well into the drama programs later in school. what i have most enjoyed this year with adeline is seeing her compassionate side emerge & also the development of humor & joke telling. as always, she is very independent in nearly everything she attempts & strong willed. we've had many, many, many battles, some we choose to let go, others not so much (you know, you *will* eat, even if i have to shove it blah blah blah...). in truth, she is as her first nickname, sweet adeline, implies; she is very sweet & tender-hearted, but loves to be rough & tumble, playing until sweat her is pouring off of her (i didn't know kids so little could sweat so much!), & also has this artistic side of her that loves to draw & create anything with all mediums (we have no clue what side of the genes this came from). she's our mini engineer & daddy's helper for all home projects but also the first one to dig into the cookies or chocolate (kind of ironic coming from a kid who wouldn't dare eat anything sweet the first 2 years of her life, eh?).

***
amelia, age 16 months


amelia is quite the character. she's a bit spicy, a lot sweet, a bit bittersweet...but very delicious when all ingredients are combined. growing up i detested the nickname 'feisty' but for some reason have no problem titling this child, amelia, (aka: j2, millie, milligan-monster, crazy #2, etc. she has many nicknames that usual end in 'monster-destroyer'), as just that: feisty. she has fully entered the destroyer-droid stage & our home will not be the same for, i'm guessing, another year. at which time we'll need new carpet & flooring, new furniture, a re-paint, & probably a long vacation (without kids, of course). amelia is also learning how to get her angry point across by throwing random small items & hitting things with her wee hands. the first few times it was hysterical...but then once we each get slapped in the face by that wee hand, our response changed drastically. but really, she is mostly laughing & jolly, running around looking for adventures (like toilet bowl water, & climbing up the stair banister, & climbing onto the counter--typical crazy toddler stuff). her laugh is instantly contagious, complete with her teeth poking through & slobber running down her mouth. who can resist a squeeze like that?

amelia is our snuggle-bug still & for whatever reason has taken to sucking on an empty bottle nearly all day. (just think maggie simpson & her pacifier. that's amelia, but only with a large, empty bottle. **suck, slurp, suck, slurp, slobber** repeat). but not only does amelia love to be held & cuddled, she is also beyond curious, whatever that may be (mischievous?). throughout the day i fully expect that once i turn my head or leave the room, disaster is imminent. (which is why i've nearly given up on a clean or organized house). not just, 'oh, darn, the large lego-duplo basket is dumped over'...we're talking 'what.happened.in.here? why is the lego basket & toy basket dumped out? why are all the blankets pulled out of the ottoman? why are all the books & puzzles strewn about? why is there poop on the floor & marker on the wall? why are the desk files & papers everywhere & colored on? AND WHERE IS AMELIA?!' (hiding under the blankets or in 'her' kitchen cupboard) that's more like it. all in just a few minutes, guaranteed. so.messy.

BUT. what is adorable & endearing about amelia (besides all the aforementioned traits?) is that she is excited about learning & having fun. it amazes me what she is learning to say & do at her young age. of course, we also find it endearing that she has the attention span of a gnat, going from thing to thing, place to place, complete with a trail of destruction behind her; who can resist being bedazzled by such a wee little girl wreaking so much havoc?! ironically, she also has a passionate love for the vacuum. this is a bit odd, i know, but so cute, if you can imagine that being cute. really, she will lug our dyson out & try her hardest to push it around. & if i'm vacuuming, she must be on the hip, critiquing my job as house-head-vacummer (she has been known to pick up pieces of whatever on the floor that i have missed & bringing it to me once i have stopped vacuuming, saying 'wasssaaatt?').

***

now onto wes. this has been, somehow, wes' year to shine. a promotion at work, while at the same time taking on most of the parenting duties for a good 3 months (while i was recovering from surgery), & being such an amazing partner to me. i have never been so thankful for him so far in our marriage. of course, of course, there are the frustrating things that all married couples bicker about (put your shoes away, do you not notice the kettle not washed & still sitting on the stove? etc etc etc etc). but in general, he is THE MAN. THE DADDY. he has somehow pulled off working full time, taking care of a sick wife, taking care of 2 young kids (*smile* who are also often sick) & remains rock solid in his dedication to all of us. he amazes me.

now, dear, if you could just finish that kitchen play set for the girls by christmas morning, that would be super duper, my love. *wink*

did i mention that wes is also a wonderful gardener, brew-master, home-electrician, & cook? well, he is all of those things also. i'm telling you, THE MAN lives here. & i get to be married to him!

***

as for myself, i am trying my hardest to get back to health. it has been such a difficult year & for awhile it seemed there was nothing to be thankful about or even anything to consider joyful or hopeful. that has slowly changed, the bad turning to okay to good, the sorrow turning to frustration to joy. aside from the ups & downs of being a parent & then also staying at home with the girls (& my new role as 'preschool driver' for adeline, ugh) i am still hopeful enough to attempt reading & sometimes baking. other hobbies of mine that take more patience & time are put aside right now, hopefully to be taken up again in a year or two (or just once amelia learns that the tv is her friend). sidenote: i think this also may be the year that my children's technology-intelligence surpasses my own. *gasp*

***

overall, a very challenging year for all of us. i'm hoping when we look back in 10 years, we will have a new perspective, one of being sharpened & as i mentioned, molded by god, into someone new & more in love with what we have as a family & more understanding of our purpose...until we can see this change so clearly, we can say emphatically: no more 2009! it sucked & was miserable & just plain terrible . SO. we're really looking forward to 2010, to health & recovery, & just more stability. heck, maybe amelia will even sleep through the night most of the time in 2010! good riddance, 2009, good riddance.


truly, there are just too many things to write about here. if you want more juicy info, feel free to read the blog. it's updated a few times a week. some posts are probably only truly enjoyed by wes & i & grandparents; others are more enjoyable for parents in our stage of life. others are only enjoyed by me, but that's okay, eh?

merry christmas!

happy new year!

growing up and old...

it appears our griswold has finally grown up and is maybe even growing old. when he was a pup he could disembowel a stuff animal in hours. It was quite amazing to come home after just a few hours and see him standing there with a carcass and the house looking like it had snowed inside. Not now apparently. we brought him nemo yesterday afternoon to have some fun with and this picture is from last night and we were even gone for a few hours. I guess our boy is officially no longer a puppy...

of christmas lights & santa claus

so last night we went to the zoo christmas lights. *what were we thinking?!* first of all, the saturday before christmas--can you say busy beyond reason? second of all, snowy-rain mixture coming down lightly. third of all, we were going to be there after bed time for the girls. i could go on & on to reinforce our parenting stupidity last night, but you get it: poor choice of nights to visit the zoo lights.

however! adeline was to the moon about it all day, saying "going to the zoo, see christmas lights!" now repeat that 1,000 times & that's what wes & i heard yesterday from lunch until we arrived at the zoo. (it was pretty cute, actually.)

you can probably see the exuberance emitting from her like an electrical charge.

as for amelia, well, let's just say she wasn't so excited to be there. she cried on the drive there. she cried walking in. she cried while everyone else oohed & ahhed over the lights. she cried when we tried to give her some warm hot chocolate.

i think this picture sums up her version of exuberance.
THEN. we spotted the carousel. addy started to shout: REINDEER MOMMY, REINDEER! SANTA'S HERE?! i was looking all around the lights trying to find the santa claus display & then realized she was talking about the carousel horses going up & down. so we walk up to check out the rules for the size, expecting that amelia wouldn't be tall enough to ride. well, apparently they don't have rules about the size as long as parents are in the right spots & holding onto their baby for dear life. then wes & i were like 'oh, it's probably too expensive adeline, sorry' & we all spotted the $1 a ride sign on the same time & were like OKAY OKAY OKAY, we'll ride.

it's also important to note that this entire time of going to & being at the zoo lights we were experiencing some sort of series of unfortunate events. nothing serious, just dropping blankies & other important snugly things in the puddles, taking 15 minutes to get out of the car getting everyone bundled up, addy losing a shoe on a curb & then stepping into a puddle, addy spilling hot chocolate all over her face & coat & 2nd pair of gloves (then i gave up my scarf to her...cold me, but it saved addy's grumpy-b/c-i'm-cold-&-wet-behavior), addy picking up snow & then freezing her 1st pair of gloves...etc, etc, etc.

so we get in what we thought was a short line & it turned to be a very long line in which we were one of the only people who weren't holding spots for others waiting somewhere else or people just plain cutting in line the entire time. i was ready to lose it on some folks at one point...but how can you call out a grandma holding the hand of her 3 year old granddaughter?

anyway, the carousel ride finally happened & adeline was so amazingly excited. she wasn't just smiling, she was laughing & giddy & bubbly. amelia was gripping the carousel horse pole for dear life & wes was then holding onto her for dear life (wes gets a bit motion sick at times). no worries, no one spewed their hot cocoa. in fact, it warmed my mama heart to see the girls enjoying themselves so much (amelia warmed up to it after the ride started, but she never loosened her grip).

how is it that there's never a picture of me with the girls? ah well.

then the ride ended & reality hit adeline. she had to get *off* the horse?! let's just say we buckled them both in quickly & sprinted out to the car. i swear wes, who was pushing the double stroller with both girls in it, nearly ran several folks over (including kids) & he had this very intense look on his face. the goal was get to the car & it didn't matter who he hurt on the way there. it didn't help that adeline was screaming bloody murder b/c her heart was broken after getting off the horse. as wes said, one crying on the way in, the other crying on the way out. so, at least only one is crying at any given time, eh?

a shot of the lights & the frozen pond.

yet another shot for you to enjoy *smile*

as wes said, wow am i glad that's over with. it was fun, yes, but too much work. next time, we'll just go during the day, head for the carousel, ride it for an hour, then look at a few lights on the way home at dusk.

***

so let's talk santa claus.

wes & i were talking this morning (yes, we're missing church. but that's b/c of a misunderstanding during the 6 a.m. hour between wes & i. a grunt from me does not necessarily mean 'no, we're not going to church today'...it may mean 'you don't have to wake up during the 6 a.m. hour to get to church at 9 a.m.' & then amelia needs her nap, so that rules out the 2nd service, etc. i know, good excuses. jesus still loves us, i'm sure of it) ANYWAY.

i have this problem with dudes who dress up like santa claus. it started when i was very little & a male relative dressed up like santa & visited our house on christmas eve...he would arrive & i would shriek in terror b/c WHY IS MY GRANDPA DRESSED UP LIKE SANTA, WHO'S NOT REAL?! then i would run & hide under the table until he & my grandma left. there's many reasons that i won't divulge here why i was freaked out by this...but that's when my fear of people dressed up in costumes started. i think. maybe my parents can verify this (there was my 2nd birthday when my soon-to-be aunt dressed up like a clown & i nearly didn't come out of the house to join in my own party b/c i was so scared).

the other day adeline came home from school & told me the *entire* story of santa claus. from school. i guess i shouldn't expect her to come home with the 'real' story of christmas, since she goes to a public school. i decided then it was time to get on the 'why christmas is christmas story' & we have a few good children's book explaining this. so now adeline knows both stories pretty good & walks around singing 'happy birthday to jesus'. cute, but grating after #33. but i asked adeline if she wanted to go visit santa, putting aside my own feelings of fear & allowing her to get excited about santa, with her knowing that santa is not real, but it *is* a fun story to make-believe. adeline said {drumroll, please!} no, santa scare me! (score one for the mama).

i don't want to pass on my fear of odd things, like costumed people who are imitating a child story, but...maybe there's something more to it. so wes & i were discussing this whole thing, the santa aversion of mine, which he is totally okay with. if our kids want to see santa, we won't stop them. if they don't want to, we are not going to force them. we want them to grow up knowing why we celebrate christmas & also enjoying the whole fantasy of santa. so far we're doing pretty good, i think. we came up with some ground rules for visiting santa, when that time comes.

• the santa must have a real beard.

just compare these two pictures:
http://www.clownscharacters.com/santa1.jpg
http://www.fotosearch.com/CSP042/k0421782/
am i the only one who thinks the 'fake' beard picture dude looks a bit creepy?

• whatever establishment is hosting this meet santa situation *must* do back ground checks on all workers. seriously, what better way for a pervert (or registered sex offender if they don't do background checks) to be near kids & establish a trust-relationship with kids? you may think this a bit over the top, but i've been in contact with waaayy to many sex offender & sexual abuse/assault victims to be naive about this. santa must have a background check. must.

• if our kid(s) starts to cry, the visit is over immediately.

call me the grinch if you want, but...that's just not true. i love christmas & i have loved it without the whole santa involvement for a long, long time. it's still christmas & very jolly without santa. & yes, we still do stockings in the morning. seriously, we are encouraging the whole santa story without telling them santa is real & also encouraging the knowledge & amazingness of the jesus-birth story & *reality*.

***
thoughts? comments? snide remarks?

time to mention that cable was installed yesterday. we have already recorded several dora shows, one curious george, one griswold's movie, & a few other random shows. i haven't watched tv more than usual (read: i haven't watched more than 5 minutes of tv since the installation) but wes & adeline are oh-so-very-excited about this cable. the next 3 months will be bliss for them. really, i'm guessing once the 3 months of cable are up (which is the time that we are somehow making money out of this deal...who knows, ask wes about it all) we will not be able to give it up. but then again, in 3 months, gardening planning & prep will be in full swing, as will be the girls playing outside most of the day. so it may be an easier give-up than i anticipate.

points

this past week i finally found my favorite holiday music disc, sarah mclachlin's wintersong. for the past 3 years i listen to this disc in the car *non stop* like a test lab rat or something: get in the car, push disc #, adjust the song, sing along, feel a bit more peaceful than before getting in the car. there's just something about some christmas music that gets to me & i love it. i'm not such a fan of songs about anything santa (probably b/c i grew up knowing santa's not real & wondering what the heck other kids were getting all worked up about), i like the songs about the birth of christ. oh, & of course, baby it's cold outside. i think i just like the back & forth of the man & woman's voices (not necessarily the lyrics of a much older dude trying to seduce a younger woman, kinda yuck, eh?). so now you know, if you see me in the car anytime in the month of december & i have this weird look on my face & i'm singing & brushing away tears (yes! *tears!*), it's b/c i am listening to one of these songs.

another heidi thought? well, we have had these very large & intimidating spiders in our basement since we moved in. they also have a nest that i am continuously destroying behind our mailbox. seriously, i kill about one spider a week during warmer months. i am really not afraid of spiders but when one this large suddenly appears out of the blue, i usually give a good shout before i hack it to death. yes, so these spiders have been in our basement in the winter...most often mixed in with the dirty laundry pile or in the laundry sink. BUT, my friends, there hasn't been a spider in quite awhile... months, in fact. i am still a bit on edge when sorting laundry b/c more than once a spider has landed on me & i've had to brush it off quickly.

THEN. last night i was at a cookie exchange party (oh my, i freakin baked 11 dozen cookies yesterday. not intentionally...i really super duper suck at math. so, for everyone's benefit: 1 cup of butter does *not* equal one pound of butter. DOI. my mistake made for a very large amount of dough...) so i was at this party & a friend mentioned that the host needs a snake to take care of her gerbil problem. besides me jumping out of my skin thinking of the crawford's owning a snake (our friendship would nearly end, btw, sorry to say) it hit me: snakes eat spider. lots of spiders. enough spiders to make a spider problem disappear suddenly. i think i kept my cool pretty good for the next few minutes as i thought about this potential...

...until this morning while i was sorting laundry. i was a mess, every clothing item was picked up by my fingers, holding it out like it had anthrax on it, shaking it a bit. i did not see a spider or a snake, but my guard is way way way the hell up, folks. what else would make a spider problem go away so abruptly?!

***

so you already know that i was doing laundry this morning *sigh moan hiss boo*. but this past week i have made it a goal to not only teach amelia that the computer is not her toy (obvious fail b/c i didn't even blog this week & was on the computer for maybe a total of 5 minutes all week), but also to teach adeline that i am not going to cook according to the ebb & flow of her changing taste buds (aka, addy's refusing to eat most anything these days, except cereal, oatmeal, grapes, & anything with the biggest ingredient made of sugar), AND--yes, THIRD goal here, hold onto your britches--that amelia & adeline would learn to play together, alone while i do some things (oh, like laundry, leisurely reading & drinking alcohol mixes mid-day {kidding, lol folks}, dishes, etc).

today i go downstairs to sort laundry & start a load. which took forever b/c you know i was picking at each piece, eyeing it suspiciously, waiting for a snake to slither out. so i was gone for about 15 minutes, most of which i could hear them playing one floor up. then i noticed, snapping out of my snake-fear reverie that it was very eerily quiet upstairs. i quickly finished up & ran up the stairs...to find adeline watching calliou. yes! score 1 for mom. then i smell coffee & look over to see amelia *covered* in coffee, sitting on top of our computer desk pulling all the files out, flinging papers everywhere. oh, also the christmas cards that were nicely stacked & sorted, waiting for signatures...all over the place. (really, don't expect that card any time soon). score 1, amelia.

but b/c i am trying my hardest not to let stressful situations stress me out (which leads to an untimely release of stress hormones, which are creating havoc in my body)...i just laughed & started to clean it up.

no such luck at controlling the stress hormones wednesday, however. first of all, i broke one of my own parenting rules: don't take two kids to a store, any store, ever. i was planning on baking the cookies for the exchange that evening & needed a few ingredients. on the drive to the grocery i talked with adeline about not being able to ride in the big car cart b/c we had amelia with us. she was all 'okay mommy, baby millie with me, no car!' sweet child of mine, right?! WRONG. we get into the store, i start putting away coats & such into the cart & adeline just stands there & starts sobbing. i get down to her thinking she just suddenly hit her head on something...did i miss something?! & she just starts screaming: RED CAR RED CAR RED CAR RED CAR. & then starts to fling her body around, nearly giving herself that crack on the head. i was still calm then & tried to talk her out of it, mentioning all the reasons & how quick this trip was going to be, etc etc. but she just got louder & louder until everyone coming in & out of kroger were staring me down.

now, if you've ever worked in a job where you are a, say, social worker who has some sort of ability to determine if & when kids should return to their parents after being removed from their home...or maybe a job where your title was "psycho-social-rehabilitator" & the job description included helping kids manage anger...well, i'm sure you also have this latent fear that you will one day end up on the front page of the newspaper b/c of poor parenting skills & choices. this was one of those times when i had to keep telling myself don't' do anything stupid. newspaper, front page: social worker hurts her children in front of all kroger customers in worthington store. so i plop adeline in the large part of the cart, attempting to just quickly grab the 3 things i needed. but she starts to flip out in the cart, kicking it & screaming.

i hit the wall anger, then i sky rocketed through the anger ceiling & i think i probably looked like the devil. i whirled the cart around & started speaking very low & sternly to adeline & marched out of the store, through the entrance (which is a big no-no in this store). people were seriously staring me down. i swear some lady flipped me off as i pushed my cart passed her going again through the entrance. when we got to the car, with adeline in full scream i somehow managed to get her into her car seat & buckle her in under 5 seconds.

it was just one of those moments when i had been so hopeful that it would go well & then was devastated by my lack of being able to do anything. if amelia had not been with me afterwards at home & i would've been able to get on the computer...i would have applied for probably 30 jobs that afternoon (adeline was sent to her room & told to come out only when she had a smile on her face). not that parents who work don't have to deal with this stuff, but i just wanted to get away & day care sounded like a very viable option...but then there's most days & i'm glad to be home with them. on the way home after i was finished telling adeline exactly what the problem is with her behavior, silent night came on (of course, the sarah mclachlan version) & i just started sobbing. probably b/c my behavior to her was just as ugly & vicious as hers had been in the store. maybe also b/c i am very weary of living in the city (even if we're in the 'burbs) & sitting in traffic ALL.THE.TIME. or b/c i'm on some crazy medications & my body doesn't produce the right amount of stress hormones at the right time. anyway, *ugh* i hate those moments when i am behaving just as poorly as my preschooler. minus 5 for mom. and minus 1 for adeline.

***

one more story (these uber long posts are what happens when i only get to type the day's events once or twice a week). this is a score 3 for mom, btw.

tuesday addy said she wanted macaroni & cheese for lunch. somehow we were out of boxed mac n cheese so i suck it up & make it from scratch. 30 minutes later, i put a plate of home-made mac n cheese, applesauce, & milk on the table in front of addy. proud mama moment, eh? amelia was already scarfing hers down, in food-attack mode. adeline takes a slight lick, throws the fork down & starts crying 'i don't like that mommy' blah blah blah. this was a time when i was totally under control, but still seething inside. how dare she toss her plate across the table?! a plate full of home-made mac n cheese that i made just b/c of her request?! she wanted something else entirely...

but this, i decided at that moment, was a hill i was choosing to die on, a battle i was willing to fight. i had a flash of memory of a parenting book asking the question: do you want to be doing this same thing 3 years from now? making two dinners, or three every night, every meal? my response: HELL NO. i have a hard enough time getting the one on the table, right? so i told adeline that this was lunch & she can either eat this, or eat nothing & go to her room. she went to her room, moped around for 20 minutes, came back down & asked for chocolate milk. nope, not until you eat lunch. commence crying, tantrum, being sent back to her room (that is full of toys, why is it that being sent to your room is such a bad deal? i would *love* to be sent to my room!). 20 minutes later, she came down all smiles & giggles, sat at the table & ate most of her mac n cheese, all of her applesauce, & drank all of her white milk. she didn't even ask for chocolate milk. she ran over to me & told me 'thank you'. i was stunned: it worked! i won the battle.

i can let things go like making your bed & keeping your clothes folded in the dresser & wearing pj's all day, & eating dry cereal on the couch...but i have drawn the line. you will eat what you are given, damn it. even if it's just 3 bites of each & you have to pour ketchup on top & then guzzle milk just to get it down, you will eat it. or else, uh, go hungry. ???

***

so. also. amelia not only looks like a toddler instead of a baby, but she's also graduating a bit. i just removed her bumper pads (we've kept them on so long b/c she is constantly getting her legs & arms stuck at night in the rails). it was a very sad occasion for me...but it was time. the crib looks like it belongs to a toddler now. i'm even thinking of adding a pillow (but she's such a thrasher at night that i don't think it would serve its purpose well). today i also added to our wes-off-for-a-week-to-do-list: get rid of the changing station in amelia's bedroom. b/c her room smells like poopy diapers all the time! (b/c she craps about 8 times a day, adult craps, people no longer baby poos). we have another changing table/station in their bathroom, so we'll have to do some rearranging of items in there but it will work somehow. time to turn the changing table into a toy chest. (again, somehow that will work. go wes the engineer!)

now i really must go do some laundry. keep your fingers crossed that snakes have not found a home in my house.

tubes are in

dear little amelia now has tubes in her ears. this is a good thing, we believe. i am hoping-praying-wishing that these tubes bring sleep to our nights. (which will bring more smiles during the day, right?!). so we arrived at the outpatient surgery center at 6:30, she went back around 7 to get some sleep-inducing medicine & motrin, went back for the actual surgery around 7:20-ish & they came to get us to speak with the surgeon post-surgery around 7:30. she was awake about 5 minutes later & we left to go home at 8. seriously, it zoomed.

amelia woke up hungry & thirsty, a bit loopy & grumpy, but very cuddly & totally fine. no vomiting yet. she had breakfast & is now napping for the past 90 minutes. *sigh* of relief.

speaking of amelia, look how grown up she is with her pig tails! when i saw these pictures (i took them, but in picture form it seems more pronounced?) i immediately saw a toddler. the baby is g-o-n-e. (*sniff, sniff*...but really, this is another good thing. we're on our way to a talking child, which is nearly always better in my book than a screaming/upset baby who can't communicate). & the toothbrush goes nearly everywhere with her. if an empty bottle isn't in her mouth, there's usually a toothbrush. i have no idea why (i'm guessing teething? the sucking makes ears filled with fluid feel better? who knows.)

a picture taken in the mirror--which is very dirty, apparently!--our two girls brushing their teeth for the 30th time. go figure.

amelia trying to avoid the camera (by the way, she was dressed up in the cheerleading outfit. & notice the toothbrush she's carrying?)

so here's fairy adeline.


adeline tried to put me down for a nap the other day...it was a very nice gesture on her part. she could see that i was sleepy & exhausted & kept telling me 'mommy take a nap, close your eyes' then she rubbed my back, pulled the blanket around my neck & closed the door. a few minutes later she barges in my room (i did stay in bed folks! i was all 'good idea adeline' & just laid there, with the gate closed & all medicines secured in a locked cabinet). so adeline barges in with the halloween pirate outfit on (we so need to get that back to the rightful owners, sorry judy) & was all 'argh mommy, i pirate, argh!' so cute.

we then played dress up for the next hour, trying on each outfit we have. amelia refused to take the cheer leading outfit off for quite some time but adeline was more about getting into the outfit, playing the part for 15 minutes, then changing into something else. & thanks to my wee nap time, it was a fun time for everyone.

so, now i just have christmas cards & 1 calendar left (i make them on shutterfly & give them as gifts to grandparents & such...only to people who want them, ya know!?). wes' gift arrived in the mail already...rei... i love it. he was here when it arrived & he is the *worst* person when it comes to being patient to open a gift on christmas. (sorry dear, it's true!). so now i have something to taunt him with. good times.

tall & skinny

this is our christmas tree before the pruning. wes is 6'4" tall, so this is not a short tree. the more i looked at this picture, the more i noticed the similarity between the two subjects (wes & the tree).



& this is so embarrassing to tell everyone, but we have only done ONE advent night! (*gasp* from the gbc crowd? lol). i think it has something to do with the nightly boxes being filled with chocolate & me not wanting to give the girls that much sugar before bed. or maybe it's b/c we have the advent calendar snowman on top of the fridge--the only place it rests safely where adeline isn't trying to climb, successfully, to eat her way to christmas early. or maybe it's b/c my girls are still a bit too young to fully grasp the idea of advent. (i'm hoping maybe next year for adeline, that she may understand the whole jesus being born thing a bit better. right now every time i say something about it, she just looks at me with a quizzical blank stare & replies 'yea, mom, yea'. so. there you have it. our featured failure of parenting. (kidding, it's really not that dramatic of an issue, eh?)

today i, along with nearly all of central ohio, went shopping at polaris. if you weren't there--BE THANKFUL! talk about a nut farm in the form of people shopping & driving. but last night i went out with a friend to a movie! it was like i just finished a quarter/semester at school & was free from all obligations, even if for one night. if you are wondering, we saw precious ...oh my goodness. it was so good to see something that didn't make me feel more stupid for watching it (like, the proposal, for one). it stirred a bit of my desire to help that exact population (teen parent, victim/survivor of abuse, cycle of poverty, lack of education, etc etc etc etc etc!). my friend & i didn't talk much about the movie, i think maybe b/c it was so heavy that i had to process it a bit before i can talk about it. (sound right?). i am looking forward to the day when i have the energy to wrap my brain around getting involved with others in need. i for sure don't see myself as some savior & that people are just twiddling their thumbs waiting for me to help them. really, the most successful cases i've been a part of have been teaching people how to get out of the muck themselves.

i want to be a part of something real, like nothing i've done before. (here is where my dream of this super duper awesome settlement house takes place! i just need about a million dollars (or two million?) & some land & probably some help, a-hem).

anyway, i couldn't get to sleep until i did a thorough think-through about the movie & i've been thinking about it all day. it has made me appreciate my two girls even more (woah, a movie can do that?).

***

on a totally different note: wes made some killer steaks tonight. we topped them with caramelized onions, goat cheese &/or gorgonzola cheese & paired that with basil & romano risotto (full disclosure--the baked sweet potato & apple dish wasn't finished until 10 minutes after dinner...lunch tomorrow?!). it was G.O.O.D.

fridays...

seriously, anyone know what's up with calliou? that show drives me nearly as crazy as barney. & adeline loves it. ARGH.

***
here are some questions i ask myself in the morning:
how many times will i get the vacuum out today?
how many granola bar wrappers will i find stuffed in hidden places?
will adeline make it through the day without dragging her sister away from a toy, hurting her (emotionally & physically, right?!).
will that thump i just heard mean a trip to the er?
will i get at least 30 minutes to myself to read or watch a show?
is not remembering to make dinner really as bad as it sounds?
do the folks at poison control keep tabs on the number of calls from the same household?
is it possible to make it to the gym today (for my geriatric work out *smile*)?
how many reminders do i have to write myself before i do something (shutterfly calendar, hello, i will get to you sometime!)

then statements:
do not, under any circumstances, take two children to a store. any store. do not do it.
do not tell adeline it's okay to throw the ball (b/c she's getting very good at throwing & the christmas tree can only take so much).
it is not okay to leave my kids alone upstairs for longer than 10 minutes without checking on them (crap, already didn't keep this one).
the laundry & a clean house does not mean happiness abounds in everyone (aka, kids).
it's okay to leave the tv on if it means mommy is sane.
it's okay to call myself my real name instead of mommy. hi, my name is heidi.
washing hair more than twice a week is very overrated.
take pleasure in luxuries such as finishing a cup of coffee or listening to my girls laughing *together*.
do not stress about unwashable drawings on the wall. repaint when the urge to draw on walls is over (when??).
stop thinking that wes will not like his christmas gifts.
you will get christmas cards out eventually...if it's after christmas, that's okay (but is it, really?)
remember to take my pills b/c wow does it hurt when i don't.

any statements or questions you'd like to add?

***

how is it that fridays can turn into grumpy day? adeline has been home from school for 2 days with her recurring croup cough & high fever...& the past few days haven't been bad at all. okay, so one day she was *very* sick & wasn't exactly herself. then, yesterday my mom was here. so i don't have a complete accurate comparison, eh? BUT still. so far today adeline has whined & cried about the silliest of things, grating on my nerves before it's even 9 a.m. *sigh* so i'm forcing myself to be a bit more exciting today, do things like the crazy puzzles & maybe string a necklace or two with addy & let them color--GASP-- with markers (if they draw on the walls again, i don't think wes will ever let a marker back into the house *ever*).

so here's a picture of amelia harassing the christmas tree this morning, which has turned into a favorite hobby of hers. she doesn't attack it or try to destroy, just pulls one specific ornament off (lol, addy's 2009 ornament--sisters just love to aggravate each other, eh?). of course, she's carrying around her lovey, the bunny, & an empty bottle.

our tree! it was about 11 or 12 feet tall & we had to cut it down quite a bit to make it fit into our 9 foot ceilings. this is a tree for our boise house, again, *SIGH*. (we miss you, home in boise).

i snagged a picture of adeline doing her 'woe is me, i can't watch a 3rd episode of curious george in a row'.

& this is shows amelia's strong desire to play around, on, with the computer desk. she was stuck so i of course ran to get the camera.

so. amelia is scheduled to get tubes on...MONDAY morning! we were shocked they could get us in so fast. shocked & pleased, very pleased. amelia still has fluid in her ears, although it's not infected (yet) but if it is infected by monday morning they will still do the procedure. yea! & somewhere in the paperwork i had to fill in some parental history & of course the ENT was like 'acoustic neuroma?' & knew dr welling (the ent surgeon who took out harold, my long lost 'brain' tumor--but ask dr arce & you must say only: acoustic neuroma. neurologists are kind of anal).

anyway, amelia has a chance to sleep through the night peacefully after next monday. and my sister, well, she's kind enough to drive over here from across town monday morning at 6 a.m. to stay with adeline & take her to school. when she has kids...we owe her.

in case you are wondering, yes, amelia has been attacking me since i've started to type this & has so far banged her head on the table 3 times & taken a bottom shelf of books off the book shelf, & is scaling me as i type. she is *so* not interested in all the toys we have, nor does food take her concentration away; she wants the computer. i think my mom may just be correct: amelia wants her own blog. it would be pretty cute. but annoying to share the computer.

***
for grandparents' sake, here are the numbers of their well-baby appointments (& for the record, amelia didn't cry until the 3rd & 4th vaccine shot...hardcore).

amelia: 22.5 pounds (38th percentile! is she really a gerbick-gerwig baby?!)
31 inches (62nd%...maybe tall & skinny like her daddy, as wes pointed out to me, who is apparently not those two things? ahem, wes, you're still in that hole you dug)

adeline: 37 pounds, 36.6 inches.

adeline has grown 2 inches in less than one year & amelia has also grown 2 inches, but in 4 months! the crazy thing is that amelia has *lost* weight. hhmm, that's totally new to me, a kid losing weight. i mean, adeline is a perfectly healthy kid, but she's never gone down, she's just grown & stayed at the same weight for nearly 15 months. we keep telling amelia she needs to pack on some pounds to play with the big kids (her sister & cousins).

***

again, i feel that i am improving this week. it appears this concoction of meds dr im & dr arce have me on is working. one migraine a week is so much better than a migraine every other day. plus the muscle soreness isn't as pronounced. i am just very thankful that this is working & maybe, just maybe, i will feel back to normal in late january as dr im predicted. enough talk about that stuff.

***

we have received THREE christmas cards already (parsons--you outdid yourselves! thank you, thank you). so that means i need to get off my duff & spread a little christmas cheer? which probably also means getting off the computer (especially since there is a very *loud* bang coming from the upstairs play room...hhmm). as adeline asked this morning: can we go somewhere today, mom?! i asked her 'go where?' & she replied "mall, mom, mall. let's go!" ugh, really, to the mall? where a creepy man dressed up like santa will be? & tons of other parents & kids? with your cough? i was thinking target sounded fun. (oh gosh, then i remembered the one time i took them to target & adeline vomited three times & they had to give us a free shirt so she wouldn't have to leave in the freezing cold without a shirt or coat on? maybe target's not such a hot idea.) but i know what adeline is feeling. she's been sick for the past 2 1/2 days, mostly staying at home. she doesn't have a fever anymore, so maybe we will venture out. (does that mean we all have to get out of pj's?! shock & horror).

another day of appointments

so we're off to amelia's ENT appointment in a bit. i think we're ecstatically nervous... a friend of our's 9 month old just had tubes put in on tuesday & i was around her soon after the surgery. i was totally shocked & amazed at how happy & fine she was! so i feel much better about this whole ordeal. the thing we're nervous about is--*smile*--if the ent doesn't want to put tubes in! we are ready for amelia to not battle ear infections every other week.

plus, we have figured it out & we could have purchased a very large, awesome, flatscreen tv this year if it wasn't for our medical bills (not even counting my surgery...if we counted that we could go on some fantastic vacation!). it's really a travesty that we finally caught the flatscreen tv bug & now we can't afford to get one. ah well, so goes life.

AND, for all of you who have spent some time at our house when an important game is on cable or have just spent time at our house & are bored with our antenna-network tv. well, i have a christmas surprise for you: the gerbicks are getting cable! probably just for 3-6 months (b/c 6 months is free, if we keep it for just 3 months we somehow make a profit by switching cable companies. don't ask me, wes made a spreadsheet about this whole thing. seriously, an excel spreadsheet).

then this afternoon adeline & amelia have their well-child appointments. and my mom will be here, thankfully, to help me with that. i think only amelia gets vaccines. so! i think i will have to post later (b/c i must take a shower folks).

i forgot!

this is totally blog worthy: adeline is finally asking the 'WHY?!' question for everything. i have been waiting for nearly 18 months to get these questions & every time she asks i just smile & try my best to answer. so far my favorites:
me: you need to wipe your vulva after you pee, adeline. (why, mom, why?)

me: you need to get your coat on. (why?) wes: it's very cold outside, you need your coat, adeline. (why?) wes explained why the weather turns cold & she seemed very pleased with his answer.

me: if you don't want to listen to your song we can listen to a song mommy likes. (why, mom?)

nearly every comment is followed by a very serious *why* question from addy. i am plain giddy about it.

holy counting, batman!

i am finally into part 2 of this adrenal fatigue book & it included a questionnaire about symptoms (past & present) & one symptom is brain fog or confusion or just inability to think at times. *bingo*, that's me the past while (i'm saying my date of starting to feel *differently* was at the beginning of my pregnancy with amelia). so i take the questionnaire & put the numbers in the spaces to add. my-holy-goodness do i suck at even simple addition! it took me nearly 2 minutes to add up to 62. i had to do 8 columns of addition! yes! thankfully one column only went up to 9 total points. i kept thinking where is wes when i really need him?! where is my human calculator?!

then, folks, then i read the directions which, of course, i should have read before, but, hey...it's just addition, right?! fiddlesticks, i did it wrong. seriously, why give such confusing directions to people with symptoms of confusion & brain fog?! i gave up & took a shower instead. (a hot-hot-hot one. think: hot tub jacuzzi water being poured onto your head for 20 minutes. blissful. & it really helps my muscles relax, which is great b/c i've been trying to get rid of a headache for 3 hours now. it's on the verge of a migraine, but i am fighting it off with rest, heat therapy (shower!), & drinking lots of water).

anyway, all that to say that i'm working on my goals for this week, so obviously the reading part is happening. AND after lunch i sat down to check my email & amelia walked up to the computer desk, pointed to it & then pointed to me & said 'mama'! i don't know exactly what she meant but i think she's catching on...

and. adeline was up around 5 a.m. this morning so after being home from school for 35 minutes (long enough to watch an episode of calliou--not my favorite for sure) & then tell me that the hot dog, pear, & hummus i had for her lunch was not what she wanted. she then went to the couch to cry & pout, so i let her go & she fell asleep! she's just now waking up & i am anticipating a very hungry preschooler.

***

last night i went to my church (vineyard chuch of columbus) for bi-monthly soaking prayer with my 3 ladies. what is terrible is that i can only remember one of the women's name! very very rude & horrible b/c they've been praying for me the past 3 months & i just now can't say 'hey, i didn't catch your names...' i really am terrible at remembering names. *so sorry my prayer ladies*. so last night was a goody & one of the ladies (whose name i know, but will not divulge) had a vision & i also had a vision that i believe was god-given (b/c i would not see myself doing this if it were not for god *for sure*). her vision was that jesus had a santa claus-like present bag & it was filled with gifts to give me. well, yipee! was my response. bring it on, eh? so more prayer occurred & then here it is, my vision : a jesus-looking man (lol, not white, blond, w/ blue eyes) was standing over a large burlap sack filled with something i couldn't see. i was standing next to him & suddenly he started to give me the things inside the bag & it was known to me that i was to give this 'thing' out to people. i look down & this 'thing' is a dead fish, the kind you would eat complete with the open eye... (*but i would never eat it, my friends, b/c i hate fish; all things fish disgusts me--even the aquarium kind. i'm not afraid of them, they're just gross to me. yea, may be girly, but...). back to it: so i realize i have fish in my hands & instead of being all grossed out i turn around see a large crowd of people sitting on a grassy hill & i start to hand out & toss the fish to people, who are eagerly taking the fish. & it went like that, jesus just kept handing me fish & i kept handing them to other people.

hhhmmm...now for the interpretation, eh?

***

i noticed last week that i failed to take a 4-month-post-surgery picture. but really, you can't even tell i had skull surgery. i guess if you took the time to look for the scar you would see it, but it's not like you can tell through my hair. which is good, that makes me feel less like a beacon of pity when i know everyone isn't checking out my scar & wondering why someone cut into my skull.

so. one thing i'm learning this past 6 months (since learning of that blasted tumor) is to take it easy...especially since this whole adrenal fatigue/fibromyalgia stuff really made my life miserable. i wouldn't consider myself a 'type a' person or anything, but i have for sure learned to just relax & take stress cues. but there are a few times throughout the month that i have a really hard time: monday evenings & the 28th of each month. driving home from thanksgiving, as i was sitting in the car with my eyes closed (to keep nausea at bay...why do i get car sick now instead of when i was little?!) anyway, i had my eyes closed & i just kept seeing & going through the whole morning of the surgery & waking up from it all. i couldn't stop crying & then it dawned on me: it's the 28th, 4 months exactly after my surgery. it just happens without me even knowing the date or whatever. so it's good that prayer went well last night b/c sometimes monday nights are just really terrible. complete with me crying & doing stress-reducing mind exercises or watching tons of tv or taking my pills early & going to bed super early. anyway, last night was the first of these certain days--mondays or 28th--that i didn't have anxiety remembering the surgery or crying for no reason, etc. so this is progress.

what is *not* progress?! me still having this terrible headache, adeline waking up & demanding to watch the dora dvd her grandparents mailed her (she says 'oohhh, thank you', sue & bruce) & then amelia also waking up, crying. all within 3 minutes. & it's only 2:40. not progress. i think i will take you up on that migraine pill, mr. medicine cabinet.