gluten free: argh! or ah! ??

so wes & i were *muy* scared of what types of food gluten free (gf) eating would force upon us. but, it hasn't been so bad, minus the first few days of me only eating carrots & cucumbers for lunch (okay, day two i had some fancy ranch dressing to dip them in). tomorrow will be the start of week 3. i've been to the grocery store about 8 times in the past 2 weeks (suck! i hate grocery shopping!). wes has been a bit more daring than i & baked using gf flour...he made me cinnamon rolls saturday morning! seriously, love this man. so i thought i'd give you all an idea of what we're eating. (i know, you'be been just dying to know, right?!). when a few friends of mine had to go on special diets (no gluten, soy, dairy...how can just going without one be so bad?!) i was always wondering what they were eating at meals. so in case anyone is wondering the same, here it is. & it's not so bad, really.

two weeks in gerbick gluten free eating (mostly)

monday: lunch--i freak out after getting the celiac call, eat an egg, a carrot, & half of a cucumber. i was hungry most of the day & my stomach hurt like hell from lunch (raw veggies & eggs are my biggest stomachache inducers).
dinner--watch wes eat w/ the girls, i then decide to get groceries, go to whole foods, cry half of the time, pick up a chipotle chicken burrito bowl (argh! they're chips are not gluten free) on the way home.

tuesday: lunch--again, stupid me. i eat a pbj on *nasty* gf (from the freezer section) white bread & again a carrot & cucumber. i do not recommend this. hungry again b/c i could only get half the sandwich down due to level of bread nastiness.
dinner--zuppa toscana soup. very good.

wednesday: lunch--chicken salad! very good. i had this the rest of the week for lunch
dinner--out to eat to carraba's...mmmhhmmm.... ate their chicken w/ goat cheese, mashed potatoes. very good. they actually have a gf menu. & my sister forced me to do this--go out to eat--so i would stop worrying about what would happen when i had to eat out. double bonus: it was wine wednesday! since i can't drink most beers now, i guess i need to find another way to get drunk every day (kidding!)

thursday: steak, baked potato, mushrooms & onions. this dinner was unbelievable tasty.

friday: first go at gf pizza crust mix. NASTY. (it was chebe in case you want to know so you never have to taste this for yourself). i ate about half of a slice. wes ate 2. amelia refused hers. adeline really refused hers. it just had this cardboard texture & taste to it, then add some grittiness & then top it with good stuff. still gross. never again. after this meal i thought we were doomed to never enjoy pizza again (still not so sure about this one).

saturday: lunch was compliments of my mother in law (they were visiting from out of town), beef veggie soup. it was very yummy. for dinner we then decided to go out, if you remember the terrible time we had at carraba's (we decided to go there since they had an exclusive gf menu. little did i know that my father in law didn't even like carrabas! him mentioning that could've saved him some $$ & all of us some time. next time, we'll just hit 5 guys or chick-fil-a). again, i had the chicken w/ goat cheese, potatoes, & salad. this time, bread was on the table & for a few seconds i thought i would fall off the gf wagon...but held strong. we also made some brownies from a trader joe's gf mix. they were very good. very good.

sunday: brunch: buttermilk blueberry pancakes (from a bob's red mill gf pancake mix). again, good! dinner was a mexican lasagna (layered pork roast, corn tortillas, verde sauce, refried beans, onions, then cheese on top of course!) served with guacamole & sour cream. yum yum.

monday: grilled chicken & risotto w/ onion & zucchini & cheese (always cheese)

tuesday: five guys burgers & fries. i had a no-bun double w/ bacon, onion, mushrooms, green pepper, cheese & a1 sauce. plus fries, come on. it was all good. & they are awesome about the whole gf stuff; even the teenage guy who took the order knew what i was talking about.

wednesday: a gerwig family style hawaiian chicken w/ jasmine rice. (crushed pineapple, ketchup, soy sauce, worcheshire sauce, & vinegar...bake w/ chicken)

thursday: beef roast w/ carrots, onions, boiled potatoes & a gravy-ish substance (which marked our first try w/ xanthan gum...that stuff is so weird!)

friday: white chicken pizza using the gluten free pantry mix. it was *much* better than the previous pizza friday gf experience, but still, not up to par.

saturday: (italian) lasagna using brown rice lasagna noodles & then a salad & with the leftover dough from the night before, baking a french bread then making garlic bread. this was the first dinner using gf products that we could *not* taste a difference. it was a great feeling.

& today i'm baking chocolate chip cookies using my own variations & then also using bob's red mill mix then a 365 mix (the whole foods product line, i believe). so far, i like the 365 mix the best. wes took them to the small group tonight where they will be tested against each other. i think mine, from scratch, taste a bit grainy...but i used oat & white rice flour (plus xanthan gum for thickening) instead. the great thing was that the cookie dough tasted great which is totally not so with the bob's red mill dough (it tasted something like what i would imagine a butt crack would taste like or maybe even a rotten lima bean...the aftertaste sent my system into shock, i had to eat some ice cream to recover.)...who will be the winner?

anyway, it's taking me longer to get dinner together...maybe b/c nothing is really 'fast' yet. i'm not used to the products & way of making something. the whole celiac/gf stuff has forced me to look at the food we eat, the actual ingredients list of additives & such on even the simplest of foods, like a can of beans (yep, found gluten in a can of beans). in the past i have mostly dismissed the food industry critics as a bit over-the-top. i mean, really, i would normally prefer to eat produce that was grown using a pesticide than gnaw on the bug that could be there without the pesticide. or those folks who say there's a link between diet & autism...really?

but as my brain fog seems to be lifting the past week & my gut is allowing me to eat a pepper & raw veggies, well, i'm becoming a believer. why is it that local, more pure food costs more? what is done to other food that makes it cheaper? why didn't i care until i was told it had a serious impact on my health? really, am i that into what tastes good to let it ruin my bones, giving me cramps similar to being in labor weekly, sometimes daily? is it just a coincidence that i had a benign tumor & also a disease that doesn't allow my body to absorb nutrients?

***

so. adeline has a high fever again this weekend. WHAT THE HELL?! the past 3 weekends it's been the same story: friday, she's fine. saturday she starts to get feverish & hot, pink-cheeked--which is so cute on her--& complains of stomachache. give her some tylenol & she's fine. she wakes up sunday morning with an even higher fever, which fluctuates throughout the day. after eating anything besides cereal, she complains of stomachaches. she takes a nap... as in, she tells us: i really sleepy, i go to my bed. AND her eczema then flares up, which is telling me that it's some sort of allergy. really, i have no clue, but know that our pediatrician will be called tomorrow. 3 weekends in a row is just too odd, especially without other symptoms, right?

what my midwife failed to tell me when pregnant with adeline: you should have gone to medical school before having kids. all these illnesses & such are enough to make a non-medical-school-educated parent loopy.

***

as for amelia. she is just a bundle of curiosity & energy. then someone put a quarter in her, as wes likes to say, & she bounces around for hours. & she's really starting to understand the dozen or so hand signs we've been using the past year. finally, right? & now i hear adeline moving around upstairs (wes & amelia left us, sadly, to go to our small group).

a few more fav things

life isn't just about the food we eat, so i am re-focusing my blogging mind on other things that i love, my girls.

amelia is here wearing some shorts that are in the dress-up bin. i think she looks pretty darn spiffy. she gets her fashion sense from me, of course. shiny & layered are in, right?

adeline running in the snow. she wasn't running b/c it's the fun thing to do in the snow but b/c she didn't want her picture taken (which is totally the norm for her right now. i think it's b/c i took thousands of pics of her when she was 9 months & younger.)

adeline wearing a drum major outfit (also from the dress-up bin, a fav play time of the girls recently). this is also wes' drum major outfit that his mom made for him (halloween, i believe) when he was a kid. B/C wes wanted to be a drum major when he grew up...for a very long time apparently. maybe even as a middle schooler.

& here is adeline being a little kid.

you know, let's take this doll-moses basket my gram-mum made for my doll & use it to instead go really fast down the slide! (it does look fun, eh?) i think the next phase will be the steps & this moses basket...

amelia doing her version of 'hard-core-slide-kid'.

the pathetic tiny snowman adeline & i made yesterday. i blame it on the weather (the snow wasn't packing snow & we hardly had any to work with, so this is what you get. plus amelia was inside crying instead of napping, so we had a short time frame. all good excuses for pathetic snowman.)

there *are* good things in life aside from food.

***

so i called my dr's office & left a slightly perturbed message asking for more info about the blood results & gluten-free stuff & what he really means about 'highly reactive to gluten'. & to ask him to call in all the scripts i have lost along with my notebook that contains my life. surprisingly, dr im (not his nurse) called me back within 90 minutes. the result? scripts are called in, i indeed have celiac's disease (it's 'mild' right now, changing my diet now will save me years of pain & such). he kept saying 'you are highly intolerant of gluten' etc. then he said that my girls would also benefit from going gluten-free mostly (b/c gluten sensitivity is genetic). he also said he feels strongly that this will over time take care of many of the pains & problems. combine this gluten-free diet healing with hopeful healing from adrenal fatigue via the meds i'm on & then overall healing from my surgery (ie, numbness, balance, etc) i could feel much better over the next year. he mentioned that i could start to feel better in a matter of weeks, as far as stomach pain & muscle/joint pain go, but real healing will take much longer. i'm glad he called. he did agree that giving up pizza & baked goods with wheat flour will be difficult...then he said 'we all would benefit from eating mostly gluten-free...but you need a totally gluten free diet right now'. i know, i know. i think i'm getting there.

ah, amelia is awake & refreshed from her nap. must get the millie-monster out of the crib before she collapses it with her incessant shaking of the rails.

losing my mind

thanks to the jump start from my cortisol pill in the morning, i generally wake up feeling optimistic about what i can accomplish for the day. & that happened today. put powder in my ever-greasy, non washed hair (it just takes so long to wash, dry, & style my hair, about 90 minutes from start to finish...i wish, i wish i wish i had that hair that can just be washed & put some goop in it & then walk away...but the past few amazing stylists i've had told me that it's just not going to happen. unless i want to look like a frizzed out poof-ball. or grow my hair way out like i had it growing up...which then it's all flat & such, so that's not an option. i got this hair from my mom, so we moan about it together, just last week, actually). anyway, this post is not about hair. although it would be a *great* distraction.

so yes, i put some powder in my greasy hair, put some jeans, crew neck & sweater on & i looked pretty decent, really. ate some gorilla munch (which hurts my gums for some reason, must look into that...are my gums going to have to toughen up to corn & rice based foods as opposed to softer wheat flour?). take adeline to school & sorta look for my little notebook that carries my life & most recently my 3 new prescriptions & notes from dr im about which new supplement i'm to buy at raisin rack. but i can't find it anywhere. i called wes a few times, called my mom in case she saw it somewhere last thursday (yes, i have put off buying & filling prescriptions this long, but if you have been in our house the past week, you would understand. sick kids, remodeling, etc). this notebook is G-O-N-E.

so then i just start to cry. then sob, then i'm screaming obscenities at the world, in my empty house (amelia was still in her car seat b/c i still had this hope that i would turn around & there it would be, my notebook, just sitting on the counter. this did not happen). my mom mentioned something about a no-carb crash happening around today or tomorrow & i think that may be happening (combine with menstrual moods, & the high & low from the cortisol, then the not sleeping well--which is why i need to find that damn sleeping pill prescription!).

my plans of going to raisin rack then heading to barnes & noble to let amelia play with the train set while i start to read a 'gluten free diet' cookbook or book or something...those plans are gone b/c i am red & puffy-eyed, have the post-break down head ache, & am just blue.

really, take away my white flour & i am so, so, so sad. i could do vegetarian so much better. i know this may seem silly to some of you readers, how emotional i am. but, like i said, combine all of the crumminess that we're dealing with right now & voila, i bet you'd be pretty damn emotional also. seriously, how many diagnosis (what is the plural of that word? diagnosises? no, doesn't look right & spell check is saying the big n-o). anyway, how many diagnosis {sp, lol} can i get in one year? inflamed optic nerves due to german ancestry (or if we're being real, from the AN), then we have the acoustic neuroma (AN), then we have adrenal fatigue, then we have fibromyalgia (which is most likely a general diagnosis from both adrenal fatigue & gluten), then we have gluten intolerance (or, if we're being real, celiac). what next? maybe i can have my wisdom teeth pulled this year also! or maybe early onset alzheimer's...which would explain why i keep misplacing EVERYTHING.

folks, you don't have to read my rantings about this. i'm sorry, just do a skim if this bores you or makes you want to shake me or something. but i hate writing in an actual journal b/c my handwriting is so slow, so here it is, typed up for your viewing pleasure.

i feel a bit better now...must take my contacts out (why is it that after a cry my contacts get all foggy?), put some make up around my red, puffed eyes & hopefully head back out to raisin rack & try my hardest not to cry in public. *smile* wish me luck.

a few of my favorite things

so i went to whole foods (a grocery store, for those who don't know) & checked out their very extensive gluten free sections. the options were plenty, i have to say. i was pretty amazed...& dumbfounded. i *know* i looked like a deer in the headlights when searching the gluten free section for flour. i bought 3 different types of flour & plan to make cookies tomorrow to see which works out best.

it seems our meals will have to be more planned. there isn't a whole lot of room for a quick decision meal, at least until we get used to eating like this & know what to go for. i really do think that i'll be able to get most of what i need at our local meijer store & then do some extra shopping once a month or so at whole foods or trader joes. anyway. i just have to put that out there b/c i can't stop thinking about it all, well, obviously b/c i just went grocery shopping.

but b/c a few of my favorite things totally have gluten in every molecule

• cinnamon rolls, namely, my grandma's... i will make it my life's work to emulate them with gluten free flour. we have cinnamon rolls every saturday morning. what are we going to do this saturday?!

• asiago bagels (from buehler's mostly)

• fluffy, white french bread with cold cuts
• pies, tarts
• cream of wheat
• thin mints & such tasty treats (hello, pepperidge farms mint milano cookies!)
• starbucks apple fritters
• chipotle tortilla chips (i asked tonight, they have gluten in them, damn them)
• play doh (that was a joke)
• PIZZA! one of my all-time favorite foods!! EVER! & i'm talking about the kind of pizza that we order. love it.
  

but really, you get the picture. i am in love with all purpose white flour & bread flour made from *wheat*. what am i going to do next christmas? & folks, i seriously cried when i walked through the bakery tonight at the grocery. cried.

if this is for real (i can still be in somewhat denial, right?) my diet will change & i will generally be eating very healthy stuff. like veggies. ugh. but it will be sad & i have to admit i am in mourning for the loss of my favorite things. at least i still have mint chocolate chip ice cream.

oi, me.

right before i was going to put a pot of water on the stove to boil pasta for a lunch of mac n cheese, the phone rang...it was dr im's nurse, calling to let me know that my blood work results were in & i am 'highly reactive' to gluten. he wants me to immediately (those were her words) switch to a gluten free diet. at my next appointment in march he will determine from the results of a new diet if i need to be tested for celiac's disease (b/c they have to do a endoscopy & grab a bit of the intestine to test...so i guess if that can be avoided, hip-hip-hooray?). b/c somehow a person can be non-celiac-gluten-intolerant. at any rate, i don't want to bore you with the details b/c well, i really don't know a whole lot about it myself yet either! what i have gathered from a few kind people who do know about this situation is to rid our diet of all things wheat, rye, barley. basically: my diet. i LOVE pastas, breads, gravies, sauces, etc. (gravies & sauces are out unless we use a different flour or thickening agent that doesn't contain gluten).

argh, this is difficult.

so yes, i got the news as i had a box of good ole mac n cheese in my hands. i listened, asked a few questions, hung up & started crying. i gave the girls some chicken nuggets & berries for lunch & scrounged around our house for *something* gluten free. i came up with a carrot. i ate it. then cried some more. i just don't like veggies, folks. i guess i will learn to tolerate them in due time, but...not today. so i finally got my mom on the phone & she said to eat an egg & i found one left in the fridge! i ate it & immediately felt so ill. apparently it will take some time for my intestines to not get a bit sick from non-gluten foods...long story in which i don't exactly know enough to tell everyone. something about my intestines not having proper celio's or somethin'-somethin'. can you tell i just learned about this?! *smile*

then i talk with my sister as i'm nauseous & she's all 'well take a cooking class together & learn how to cook using new ingredients' which made me cry more b/c wow, that's a very nice gesture, sis!

then an email from my mom's friend, who does have celiac's, rolled in & she had a bunch of info, including websites with recipes & gluten-free breads & flour products & even a blog. so. i feel a bit better now ESPECIALLY after i was again scrounging around our cupboards & then went downstairs to our pantry & low & behold, i found a box of gluten free cereal from trader joe's! (gorilla munch, one i liked even before). so i ate a very large bowl of cerel, a carrot, & an egg for lunch & my stomach is aching & moaning. but apparently that's normal? who knows, i hope to do a bit more research tonight once wes gets home & i am able to head out to a bookstore (to buy a recommendation from my dr & then also to buy a gluten free cookbook--hell-o! gotta eat!) & then to go to whole foods &/or raisin rack (the westerville health food store) &/or trader joe's.

a lot of the symptoms make so much sense. i really hope this is it, combined with adrenal fatigue...b/c both are manageable.

now, look out vineyard food pantry, here comes some serious amounts of food your way!

all the food on the counter contains gluten. seriously. what up?

look how sad & empty our cupboard looks!

here is the stuff from our basement pantry. all contain gluten. most are leaving the premises.

again, look how sad & forlorn the shelves appear *wink* & dude, do we have some serious chicken broth!

apparently we also have to get rid of wooden spoons b/c the gluten will stay within the spoon & transfer to the food once heated. i'm not sure if this applies to cutting boards, utensils, plastic stuff as well. if so...wow. this could be a pricey change over. add that to the adrenal fatigue diet recommendations (to eat organic b/c certain pesticides can aggravate adrenal dysfunction) & i think we just upped our monthly grocery bill by at least $100. what a year we have going for us, financially. at this point, health comes first. b/c i guess if we have poor health, what's the point of having all that money saved for retirement?

by the way: if you live near us & are in *need* of some food or know someone, let us know. lol, as long as they don't have celiac, right? as for the already opened stuff, i think we will either try to have wes eat it or hand it off to friends. (only wes b/c adeline & amelia both seem to have similar symptoms as i do. i won't go into the details b/c it's kinda gross, but...this will be a whole-family diet change, after adeline eats all those cheesy fish & such & until we come up with a replacement for kraft mac n cheese...gasp!)

good things. & a few annoyances.

what a day. i think i did an entire 8 hours of errands & appointments today (with a paid lunch hour! social workers never get those, so i take it when i get it).

first, let me say that wes is *impressed* with dr im. i think his words are 'this guy's sharp' which is a compliment coming from wes. the gist of this appointment: I DON'T HAVE ADDISON'S DISEASE! i swear, i felt like i was suddenly lifted to a cloud when he said that. *PHEW* i just have adrenal insufficiency & fatigue. i tried to find a good website to share, but the gist is that my cortisol level is flipped: i have ultra low levels during the day (making me exhausted, weak, & my muscles hurt like someone is pulling my arms apart with each arm tied to a different semi going in opposite directions. it hurts, trust me). then between 9 & 10, my cortisol turns 'on' & starts pumping, not allowing me to get a solid, steady sleep. there's much more to this whole diagnosis & although some doctor's don't acknowledge it as an actual disease (it appears mostly older docs), well, it seems to fit my problems. so dr im doubled my cortisol meds. which, by the way, since it's cortisol--yes, a steroid, but not in the traditional steroid medication sense, i don't get the typical 'roid side effects. i'm not going to get all pimply & bulge with muscles & have severe anger outbursts. i will just be able to get up in the morning & feel rested. WOAH! what an idea.

so i'm also taking melatonin to help me sleep at the right time. & folks, this was the best part & if wes wasn't there i'm not sure he would believe me: i am "prescribed" to get at least 7 uninterrupted hours of sleep at night. yes, that means heidi doesn't get up with kiddos 1 or 2. sorry wes! i guess the time i spent nursing adeline in the middle of the night & then crawled back into bed where you were sleeping (after you changed her diaper for me; i remember that part, too!)...i mean, adeline could *nurse* at night, for nearly an hour each round. ugh. anyway, i am to sleep like my life depends on it b/c it...does. (if adrenal stuff gets out of hand, that's when an adrenal crisis hits & addison's would come into play...hard to think this is the easy version of it all).

so that was doc #1 visit. it went good. i was given 30 minutes of face to face time with a doctor who asked & answered all questions & then even prodded us to ask more. he even gave us another round of medication samples & then handing the bag to us smiled & said "merry christmas" (seriously, the meds he gave probably total about $100, egads).

doc visit #2. i waited in the patient room for *AN HOUR*...then one of dr welling's 'fellows' came in to chat & check my vitals & read my hearing test. he was very interested in the adrenal insufficiency stuff & knew what i was talking about & even said that the surgery probably put me in this adrenal position (even with a previous adrenal insufficiency). he also said as far as the surgery goes, i am doing amazingly well. the surgery site is in stellar condition, my hearing is actually at a normal level (but since only 1 hear has hearing loss kinda makes it hard to hear in group settings)...i'm still hearing at an 88% clarity level in my left ear! that's awesome & not expected at all.

then another 10 minutes later dr welling, surgeon-extraordinaire came in. now, he is a very nice man, an excellent & well known surgeon & has very good bed-side manner for a world class surgeon. BUT he treated the adrenal problem like it was silly, just take an ibuprofen would ya? i was a wuss, folks, i didn't respond curtly or correct him. b/c really, he is only a surgeon at this point & although he *should* have a doctor who follows patients post-op, he did his job. but i can still say i am dissatisfied with his care post-op. gosh, i don't have to see them all for another 5 years, though! & he was so very impressed with my walking & balance skills & said my hearing levels are way above what they would expect. this dude is so far into optimism that i couldn't remind him that the numbness is sometimes painful & always persistent & i didn't really have migraines like this prior to surgery. GAH.

anyway. on to good things that don't involve a phd.

this is the tea kettle that wes & i bought at an antique store last saturday. you could say it's our 6th anniversary gift to each other (& before you say "pathetic" i guess i could count the scanner/copier/fax/printer as wes' gift?). i do collect tea pots & kettles (this has been decided this past year only, but i have 7 of them!)

here is my hair cut (after a long day of here & there, so it's a bit messy, but you get the idea)

& here is the apron i also found at that antique store. i don't think the apron is an actual antique, but, still it's cute!

amelia & her daddy snuggling & wrestling around in addy's pile-of-all-things-soft-on-the-top-floor.

& yes, a shout out to paige, a fellow acoustic neuroma (brain tumor) survivor--it was a year ago that she was in the ICU recovering from her surgery. i'm so glad i was able to meet you... it has helped me immensley. congrats for coming through this brain tumor stuff with your sanity intact!

SMITE

i'm reading this book (lamb: the gospel according to biff, the messiah's childhood friend -- or something like that) & i find it funny & a bit thought provoking. so thanks, hillary & jenny for recommending this book! but ever since about chapter 1, i've been trying to figure out how to get words like *smite* into everyday sentences. i've had no success so far. i try it out in my head first; still, it sounds stupid. but i love that word! SMITE SMITE SMITE! maybe i'll use it on adeline first to gauge the reaction. i know i've heard the word before, but after reading it a few times, it just seems pretty cool. you know, adeline if you don't put your shoes in the shoe cubby, i will smite your preschool self! or don't smite the great smiter. or fellow driver, if you sit through another green light playing with your phone i will smite you. see, sounds dangerous, eh? what a great word.

***

it's 8:46 a.m. & amelia is still sleeping. that may just be b/c she was awake again last night for hours. why? does she not realize that her parents need our sleep? we are tired creatures also. in fact, i'm so exhausted daily that the steroids i'm on hardly have any effect on my energy level (as dr im said would happen: you're so exhausted that this won't do anything negative to your sleeping habits, etc. he's pretty good, eh?).

so the word on the street with dr im is that my thyroid is 'normal' which means HIP-HIP-HOORAY! the next step is a bit more applicable (he was just trying to rule out thyroid mostly): the general diagnosis is fibromyalgia induced by major surgery, more specifically, adrenal dysfunction, more specifically addison's disease. i think all the symptoms fit me except 'irritability' LOL. (that was for you, wes, smile, it was a joke!). no really, i'm not all that irritable, unless i don't get 12-14 hours of sleep. (which never happens, get it?). so that's what's going on with me right now. my next dr im visit is in a few weeks, so i'll know more then. until then, i'm a 'roid popper. watch out, my new guns may smite you! (wrong, wrong context, still figuring it out).

***

this morning adeline wanted to go to work with her daddy. she asked wes when she got up 'addy go to work with daddy today?' & wes responded that he'd love to have adeline come with him, BUT there's nothing for her to do there & she'd have more fun with mama, etc. apparently addy didn't hear anything after the 'but' b/c she came down a few minutes later with her shoes on, put handfuls of granola bars & her sippy cup in wes' lunchbox (she is so practical!) & i think was even getting her coat on when wes broke the sad news to her: you have to stay home. i know one girl who will be looking forward to take your daughter to work day. then she'll be there for an hour & start screaming & that'll be history. i think it's wonderful that she's so in love with her daddy. i mean, i'm in love with her daddy, but i don't want to go to work with him. so either she doesn't know what an engineer does (hello, math, which i suck at) or she's even more in love with her daddy than i am! (gasp!)

& right now for whatever reason addy has taken all her clothes off (thankfully we have finally talked her into leaving her underwear on during these nudist times) & is laying on the couch watching cartoons on pbs. have i mentioned on here that adeline is learning to read? i am amazed when she does it, mostly b/c she's just learning to say these words but now she can say & *read* them?! & last night she told me her favorite song is 'on top of spaghetti' but i think she is in a quandary over on top of spaghetti & viva la vida (HER song that we MUST listen to every morning while driving her to preschool. there's lots of head bobbing & clapping & if amelia doesn't get into it, addy will instruct her what to do: CLAP BABY. DANCE BABY. CLAP BABY. SONG BABY! soon she will be saying, CLAP BABY OR I'LL SMITE YOU!

***

as for amelia, she's just great when she's not crying for hours at night. she is learning how to do many, many things including talking & walking & running (yea, i think she's the kid who doesn't want to learn to walk, how boring. let's learn to run first!). she totally cracks me up how she learns very naughty things from adeline or laughs when adeline is in trouble. typical 2nd child stuff. & let me tell you, she loves cheetohs with all her heart. maybe even more than she loves her parents (probably not as much as she loves adeline). i got a bag at the rec center for a surprise snack the other day & she saw then & was in *attack* mode.

but really, there are few sounds better than listening to kids eating & enjoying what they're eating. then there's her laughs & giggles. she's just plain adorable right now. BUT...the tantrums have begun. yes, she's only 14 1/2 months old, but this week we have counted 2 fully defined tantrums. i couldn't help but laugh through most of both of them b/c she's just so darned small & feisty! i hope that doesn't give her a complex that i don't care about her needs.

***

speaking of needs, this book i'm reading has also brought up this thought: why does that christmas carol, away in a manger, is it? why does it say 'the little lord jesus no crying he made' b/c don't babies, especially newborns, cry to communicate their needs? why do people make jesus as a wee baby to be angelic? i have no way of knowing of course, what jesus was like as a child or baby, but i'm only guessing that as a newborn he still *cried*. was he never hungry? this thought occured to me years ago, while singing this christmas carol to adeline as a 3 month old & ever since then i've disregarded that carol as *stupid*.

***

& this is the year folks. the year we explain to adeline that santa claus is a fun, imaginary character to pretend...but, santa is not real. he will not bring you gifts, just as he doesn't bring gifts to other kids all over the world. i grew up knowing this & although it may have fueled my fear of random people dressed in costumes like santa, the easter bunny, etc...it did not damage me in any other way & i think it made me a bit more thankful to my parents for our gifts. so i'm sorry if my kid tells your kid that santa's not real. but for real, kids have a strong imagination; even pretending that santa is real can be magical & fun. come on, addy knows curious george is not real, but when she saw a curious george character at the new albany classic, she about peed herself she was so excited! see, kids have the ability to know reality & myths & still she enjoyed imagining that it was the real curious george there to see her.

it is now 9:15 & amelia is still not awake. i must go check on this...

an affair will begin on monday

an affair with a new doctor, a d.o. which, from what i've read, means a holistic/homeopathic dr. or something like that. the thing with my current family doctor, well, she wasn't worried with the whole host of symptoms from a unknown-at-the-time brain tumor for 2 years & said it was most likely hormones. although, every time i went she did neurological exams (pushing, pulling, etc of limbs) but never ordered any further tests. after the tumor was discovered from a hunch of my EYE doctor, she then told me that her own dad has the *same* tumor, so you'd think medical degree plus family experience would give her better patient insight, but not so.

so surgery side effects (& the amazing surgeon is apparently done dealing with me, or at least that's what the passive aggressive lack of response to my emails is telling me) plus my stomach & IBS problems & muscle pain & recurrent yeast infections (sorry, dad...or anyone who didn't care to know that, lol)... it's just all something i'm ready to tackle b/c i'm ready to feel healthy again. i'm ready to accept any blood tests & possible daily medications/vitamins/etc that this DO will give to me (just *don't* get near me with acupuncture. i will totally freak out, you have no clue). yes, i have decided to move on, hoping a different type of doctor will be able to help me. so today all of my doctors (gyno, general dr, optical neurologist, & brain surgeon/ent) are receiving a fax asking them to send my records to this new doctor...should be a large file! the new doc will be like *what did i get myself into by accepting this lady as a patient?!* wish me luck. & if this doc works out for me, well, the whole clan is switching b/c they also do pediatrics. especially if the current ped says ever again that amelia's fussiness & lack of sleep at times is b/c of a cranky disposition *smile*

***

& this just in this morning: a kid in addy's preschool class has a confirmed case of h1n1 flu. i'm guessing it's the boy who lives near us, as well (i didn't follow his mom's van to or from school today or yesterday, so...just a guess, though). i haven't freaked out yet about this whole h1n1 stuff... until now. we have appointments in mid-november for regular flu vaccines, i was hoping to get them earlier, but we called too late. it was recommended (from my family dr) that i get the h1n1 vaccine, but i didn't follow through & it wasn't set aside for me. so......now enters the freak out stage. especially when addy's teacher pulled me aside & said 'watch her closely, she has had this cough for a few weeks now & will be more prone to get it'. so is that a nice way of saying 'your kid's going to get it & she's already sick a bit' OR 'she sits next to the sick kid & drank from his sippy cup two days ago'. or both.

we're calling around to find at least the regular flu vaccine & apparently no one has any available (not even kroger! well, they had 2 this morning & said they will be gone within an hour or something like that & they don't give them to children under 14 anyway). so what the hell is a parent to do? get my kids to gargle with salt water?! seriously.not.going.to.happen. i even called my sister who works at children's hospital & was like *can you help us in any way?!* & she did make some calls, but still, no vaccines available. i am envisioning lots of vomiting/diarrhea & little sleep coming our way over the next week. maybe even a trip to the er! yipppeee!

so i'm trying to enjoy the warm, wonderful weather today before any germs take effect. who knows, maybe we won't get it. maybe addy's super high fever 2 weeks ago was h1n1 & we may not get it again! (yea right, i know). at this point in the columbus area right now h1n1 is basically unavoidable...i was just hoping we would have the seasonal flu vaccine in us to help a bit.

wait, back to trying to enjoy the day!

the aftermath

so the day of the doctors is over! yea. we have come away with a renewed sense of belief that the medical world is a good thing, but it can also be a, oh...annoying, frustrating racket.

so addy has a minor sore throat, but it doesn't explain her high fever. go figure. so we're left to just use motrin & tylenol to lower her fever while her body fights off the mysterious fever inducer. that finishes doc visit #1.

doc visit #2 was addy's hearing test. i finally made my way through the myriad of medical building & car dealerships in dublin to find the elusive 'children's hospital close to home'. when getting the auditory hearing test (it has a more official name that i can't remember) she kept pulling out the ear buds (which also had a more official name) so the auditory technician/nurse/official just did the test through speakers with me holding adeline on my lap...so i could hear & see everything that addy was hearing or seeing. but come to find out, adeline can't hear everything i hear! yup, she didn't pass her hearing test...i was floored, flabbergasted, amazed, shocked, etc. this was the appointment of the day that i was least worried about & wanted to cancel & here it is, the most important discovery of all.

as mentioned earlier, i was in a state of shock so i failed to ask any questions, but the gist is that she can't hear low decibel sounds. when i was holding her i would hear a noise off to the side & was waiting for her to turn her head to see the puppet & lights pop out of the box like she did with the louder noises...but she didn't. i really just wanted to cry when told this could very well be the cause of her slow language development. we let our pediatrician talk us out of being concerned about it for the past year & now she's already a year behind in language, ya know. really, she says about 10 words consistently. *SIGH* i am struggling not to feel some intense guilt about not pushing the issue...but now. NOW i am ready to push the issue. i don't want her to sit out a year of school b/c of this, right?

so i called the ped & asked for a return call b/c apparently an ear infection could also trigger minor hearing loss for a few days. the "officiant" thought it would be a good idea to re-test adeline in 1 month & also to have her ears checked for fluid that morning by our pediatrician. so...her being sick with a fever helps us know that she did not, in fact, have any fluid in her ears this morning b/c she was thouroughly checked out by the ped just a few hours before.

anyway, that was just a heartbreaker of a visit. & since i was so shocked & didn't ask any questions...i don't really have a lot of info which is totally frustrating wes & i. DOI!

next is the mri. wow, is that loud! it wasn't very exciting or frightening, well, except for the iv needle to put in the contrast liquid & waiting for 1 hour to have the mri was a bit frustrating. why do they tell you to come early to fill out paperwork & then they make you wait however long? craziness, i tell you.

at last, was my appointment with the optical neurologist, dr katz. we were 1 hour 15 minutes late & they didn't seem to care one bit b/c they were running nearly 4 hours behind! seriously, they had people waitin for 4 hours...i just can't believe they waited, ya know?! i'd think, 'ah to hell with this appointment!' anyway, katz walked in & totally forgot that i just had the mri & didn't really know why i was there & then when i told him i just had the mri, he had to go find the images & then came back to tell me that not all the images were available & he will call me in the a.m. after he examines them. (but the ones he did see: they look 'NORMAL'!!! excellent.)

& then we made a dash to chipotle & now the girls are in bed. addy still has a fever. amelia is giddy over her gram mum being with her all day (& did i mention that amelia went with wes to work this morning for about half an hour while i took addy to the ped. well, that happened & apparently she was loved on by his coworkers. we just didn't want to take millie to a sick baby hour at the ped's...we have enough of our illnesses around here). so that is our day. the day of the doctors is over.

what is crazy is that with our really wonderful health insurance (seriously, wes has GREAT health insurance through his employer, weyerhauser) we have still paid out of pocked somewhere around $1,000 in just 4 months this year. not including today, either! oi vay, there goes my new dryer & retractable clothesline for the yard.

here's a funny story i remembered today: adeline was outside playing, the windows were open (this was one of our nice days, you know, one of the 4 in the past 10) & i had the dryer going. addy races inside & throws her arms in the air & starts making a siren noise & points to our floor. translation: our dryer squeaks so loudly that adeline was outside, heard the noise from the dryer in the basement...& thought it was a fire truck siren. i guess there's a great 'you know you're a hillbilly when' joke in there somewhere. (like: you know you're a hillbilly when your kid mistakes your ancient dryer for a fire siren).

one last thing: amelia is so close to crawling! i just want to help her by movign her legs a bit more, but i know that will not help. i guess i'm excited to not have to carry her everywhere? so i'm okay with her moving on her own already. she looks so cute on all 4's, rocking back & forth & trying to move forward, but crawling backwards. today she even did a sideways shuffle. & she is becoming more proud of herself as adeline is now noticing that amelia is nearly moving & shouts & claps for her.

these girls are a hoot.