i could be...but i'm not

...baking gluten-free bread, cookies, mixes...

...finishing laundry...

...reading 1 of 3 books checked out from the library...

...organizing something, like this desk i'm sitting at...

...trying to figure out why addy has such an odd fever...

...taking a picture of that wee little snowman adeline & i made last week (it's still out there! barely hanging together by a stick, literally; so cute)...

...moving my calendar page from january to february.

...watching tv!... (why am i not doing that?)

...stretching (???)...

...eating that last (gluten free, thanks mike & carol!) lemon bar...{okay, i will do that}

...get involved in something...

***

both girls are sleeping. love that benedryl. & before you judge, know that both are sick & well deserving of their share of our friend benny-benedryl. i am still waiting for my afternoon dose of pain meds to kick in (not quite there yet, hello). so something to talk about quickly: snowville creamery. i bought some of their milk at whole foods the other day. i just love it, love it, love it. during the summer they have a booth at the westerville farmers' market so we would get some of their milk at times. we even made cheese with it! i dunno what it is, just good stuff.

another interesting tid bit is that this is the year i will turn 30. & i don't really seem to care a bit about that getting old stuff. i think it may have something to do with the skull-surgery & all that. i am asking for a big party, you know, like a typical ohio-style kegger with a band & heck, illegal fireworks or something. no one has to get all drunk & whatever, just time to celebrate & embrace getting old. i plan to do an entirely large blog post about embracing the aging process instead of fighting it...yes, again, i think this is mostly b/c of this past year's quick health deterioration. (so, folks, something to look forward to!).

i really expected amelia to wake up before i could get this far into a post. i have nothing more to say.

except that amelia is becoming quite the grown up toddler. today she picked out her snack! yes, our little 17 month old knows her stuff. she wanted a (non gluten free, sadly) biter biscuit, raisins, gluten free animal crackers (which she later hid in a toy basket upon discovering how bland they are), & then fruit snacks. & water. i love it. really, i love this age, it's crazy how much she is learning even day to day. if adults kept that pace of learning we'd all be geniuses, right?

& then adeline is somehow learning boundaries. i am hesitant to even talk about it, but it does seem she is responding to the past few weeks of her mama (ahem, me) sorta morphing back into heidi gerbick, psycho-social-rehabilitator, lsw, bsw. i wanted to give it a few weeks before i called it but i think "it" has been working. i won't go into detail, but there have been much more fierce, 'i am the parent, hear me roar' sort of moments, & wes is totally on board & is roaring alongside.

& now adeline is suddenly awake! & coming down the stairs! my guess: no pants on. oh my, she does have pants on. see, she's learning. & now i must go, brownie-eating child awaits.

another the good, the bad, & the ugly

***the good***

something has changed in the gerbick house, for the better, in the past month or so. maybe it's that i'm feeling a bit better half of the day. maybe it's b/c we haven't been viral-bacterial sick constantly (dare i say yet?). maybe it's b/c amelia is no longer a baby (we seem to do better with the toddler stage & up than the infant/baby times). maybe it's b/c wes & i both enjoy winter & it's, uh, winter. maybe it's b/c amelia sleeps nearly all night most nights & we are finally sleeping more than 3-4 hour stretches at night. i dunno, but i am sensing a 'settled' atmosphere.

it's as if we feel more comfortable in our skin. we can say 'we're not doing so hot this year financially' (due to circumstances beyond our control) & it doesn't bring us to a panic. when the girls are both going crazy screeching, tumbling on each other, flailing in a rage...we just sorta smile about it now instead of asking ourselves why god is punishing us. *smile*

***the bad***

newest major home "things" failing: #1 the washer (we bought a new dryer w/in the past 6 months & have our eye on the matching washer...but we were hoping ours would last at least another few years). #2 the drawer fronts on the vanity in the girls' bathroom are starting to fall off. as in, unsuspecting person pulls gently open the drawer looking for a hair do-hickey & instead find that the drawer front is being held in their hand by the knob. #3 our carpet. i know i've brought the nastiness of our carpet up a few times, but today it reached a new low. adeline did a poopy dance & after trying to go on the toilet (which is now perpetually clogged b/c addy is now trying to wipe after peeing & instead of using the 3 squares as i taught her, she uses at least half a roll. & for whatever reason we can't catch her in the act sometimes; sneaky pee-er, that girl) so adeline was doing the poopy dance & i finally gave in & handed her a pull up. she pooped in a matter of 2 minutes, nearly a record for her & so i bring her into the carpeted area to clean her up. she lays down on her back & out squishes some watery poo in a mound...i think i even saw it bubbling as it seeped into the carpet. see? new carpet low. #4 cable. wes & i have yet to find a show that makes us glad we have cable. i mean, out of 200 channels you'd think there would be something a tad bit more exciting. how many reality shows can there be?!

***the ugly***

hi. my name is heidi & i'm an addict. my drug of choice: black *stretchy pants*. but here are my excuses: b/c of the bleak economy there are so many sales going on. since we live nearly next to a mall & this mall has an indoor playground that i frequent, i get to see all the sales. you know, sales on stretchy pants, & my most favorite, the black variety. b/c black goes with everything. like any of the 16 crew neck cotton-mix stretchy shirts. in all colors, the shirts. so that's not so much an addiction, am i correct?

***

also! yesterday i was shopping with my sister. i decided to try victoria secrets again, after being sworn against them since i worked for their credit card company in college. to be perfectly honest i had purchased a few bras from them after adeline was born. (true confessions are so difficult). so, yesterday i was agonizing my bra choices before going out & wes & i finally decided that after buying a few from jcpenny 6 months ago--i might add from the junior's department, which the sales woman told me to do b/c of my size-- but these bras suck rat toes. so yes, wes & i decided that it was time to buy some new bras, especially after the post-surgery loss of 15 pounds.

so i go to victoria secrets yesterday on a saturday afternoon, during their semi-annual sale. stupid, i know. but i wasn't so much looking at the bras on sale. so i get fitted & she gives me an assortment of their bras to try on. none fit me correctly, unless i wanted to feel like my sternum was being sat on by amelia all day. so i ask the fitting room sales lady to get some others for me & she gives me a blank look & is like 'that's what we have, why don't you tell me how they are not fitting you' so i show her the leaning over problem (you can see everything) & then the way it makes me more flat & then how it gathers any sort of back fat i have into one clump, etc, etc. & she is like 'well, your situation is a difficult one to fit'. i nearly slugged her.

i know i have small jugs (jugs may not even be the correct word to describe my breasts, lol) but so do other women! come on, i can't be the only woman with this size, right? so i just give this sales lady a look & hand her the bras, get my shirt back on, & leave. then i bitch to my sister about it for the rest of our time in the mall & on the way out we walk through van maur, b/c we had parked through that store, & i just took a glance at their stuff & kristi (my sister) nearly shoved me into a dressing room with a kind, older lady names SAZ who listened to my moans about my bra situation, did a size fitting, left, & returned soon with a handful of nude bras (thank you, do bras really have to be so colorful?). 10 minutes & $100 later, i have 2 excellent bras. i don't care how much they cost...you can't see my nipples anymore when i lean forward in a v-neck shirt, so all is right with my world.

life in pictures

oh, just some pictures.

adeline smiling this morning after #1 seeing her new kitchen & #2 after mommy did everything sergeant adeline requested during hair-do time. i think she looks like a rather spunky princess leia. & thursdays are one of her favorite clothing days at school...this shirt is from the pta & every thursday she *has* to wear this tye-died shirt...& loves it.

amelia sporting her team AND real shoes (they are nearly 1.5 sizes too big but she is GA-GA over them).

what i see after amelia's nap time every day. about 20 minutes after amelia goes to sleep, adeline is asking me constantly: baby awake yet, mommy? can i wake baby up yet? {can you ever wake amelia up? NO!} so when amelia does wake up there's a sister-love-fest in the crib.

just to show everyone what we mean when we say 'adeline made a nest today of all the pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, & all known soft things in the house'. she loves to burrow in this nest & hide, popping out to say PEEK A BOO! just as i'm about to squish her head with my foot.

***
amelia 1/1/09 (16 months)

adeline2/9/08 (16 months)

***

kid-kitchen-project, finished!

pottery barn, eat your heart out. so far, this kitchen set has been the biggest hit since introducing them to the indoor slide.

and didn't wes do a lovely job?

fridays...

seriously, anyone know what's up with calliou? that show drives me nearly as crazy as barney. & adeline loves it. ARGH.

***
here are some questions i ask myself in the morning:
how many times will i get the vacuum out today?
how many granola bar wrappers will i find stuffed in hidden places?
will adeline make it through the day without dragging her sister away from a toy, hurting her (emotionally & physically, right?!).
will that thump i just heard mean a trip to the er?
will i get at least 30 minutes to myself to read or watch a show?
is not remembering to make dinner really as bad as it sounds?
do the folks at poison control keep tabs on the number of calls from the same household?
is it possible to make it to the gym today (for my geriatric work out *smile*)?
how many reminders do i have to write myself before i do something (shutterfly calendar, hello, i will get to you sometime!)

then statements:
do not, under any circumstances, take two children to a store. any store. do not do it.
do not tell adeline it's okay to throw the ball (b/c she's getting very good at throwing & the christmas tree can only take so much).
it is not okay to leave my kids alone upstairs for longer than 10 minutes without checking on them (crap, already didn't keep this one).
the laundry & a clean house does not mean happiness abounds in everyone (aka, kids).
it's okay to leave the tv on if it means mommy is sane.
it's okay to call myself my real name instead of mommy. hi, my name is heidi.
washing hair more than twice a week is very overrated.
take pleasure in luxuries such as finishing a cup of coffee or listening to my girls laughing *together*.
do not stress about unwashable drawings on the wall. repaint when the urge to draw on walls is over (when??).
stop thinking that wes will not like his christmas gifts.
you will get christmas cards out eventually...if it's after christmas, that's okay (but is it, really?)
remember to take my pills b/c wow does it hurt when i don't.

any statements or questions you'd like to add?

***

how is it that fridays can turn into grumpy day? adeline has been home from school for 2 days with her recurring croup cough & high fever...& the past few days haven't been bad at all. okay, so one day she was *very* sick & wasn't exactly herself. then, yesterday my mom was here. so i don't have a complete accurate comparison, eh? BUT still. so far today adeline has whined & cried about the silliest of things, grating on my nerves before it's even 9 a.m. *sigh* so i'm forcing myself to be a bit more exciting today, do things like the crazy puzzles & maybe string a necklace or two with addy & let them color--GASP-- with markers (if they draw on the walls again, i don't think wes will ever let a marker back into the house *ever*).

so here's a picture of amelia harassing the christmas tree this morning, which has turned into a favorite hobby of hers. she doesn't attack it or try to destroy, just pulls one specific ornament off (lol, addy's 2009 ornament--sisters just love to aggravate each other, eh?). of course, she's carrying around her lovey, the bunny, & an empty bottle.

our tree! it was about 11 or 12 feet tall & we had to cut it down quite a bit to make it fit into our 9 foot ceilings. this is a tree for our boise house, again, *SIGH*. (we miss you, home in boise).

i snagged a picture of adeline doing her 'woe is me, i can't watch a 3rd episode of curious george in a row'.

& this is shows amelia's strong desire to play around, on, with the computer desk. she was stuck so i of course ran to get the camera.

so. amelia is scheduled to get tubes on...MONDAY morning! we were shocked they could get us in so fast. shocked & pleased, very pleased. amelia still has fluid in her ears, although it's not infected (yet) but if it is infected by monday morning they will still do the procedure. yea! & somewhere in the paperwork i had to fill in some parental history & of course the ENT was like 'acoustic neuroma?' & knew dr welling (the ent surgeon who took out harold, my long lost 'brain' tumor--but ask dr arce & you must say only: acoustic neuroma. neurologists are kind of anal).

anyway, amelia has a chance to sleep through the night peacefully after next monday. and my sister, well, she's kind enough to drive over here from across town monday morning at 6 a.m. to stay with adeline & take her to school. when she has kids...we owe her.

in case you are wondering, yes, amelia has been attacking me since i've started to type this & has so far banged her head on the table 3 times & taken a bottom shelf of books off the book shelf, & is scaling me as i type. she is *so* not interested in all the toys we have, nor does food take her concentration away; she wants the computer. i think my mom may just be correct: amelia wants her own blog. it would be pretty cute. but annoying to share the computer.

***
for grandparents' sake, here are the numbers of their well-baby appointments (& for the record, amelia didn't cry until the 3rd & 4th vaccine shot...hardcore).

amelia: 22.5 pounds (38th percentile! is she really a gerbick-gerwig baby?!)
31 inches (62nd%...maybe tall & skinny like her daddy, as wes pointed out to me, who is apparently not those two things? ahem, wes, you're still in that hole you dug)

adeline: 37 pounds, 36.6 inches.

adeline has grown 2 inches in less than one year & amelia has also grown 2 inches, but in 4 months! the crazy thing is that amelia has *lost* weight. hhmm, that's totally new to me, a kid losing weight. i mean, adeline is a perfectly healthy kid, but she's never gone down, she's just grown & stayed at the same weight for nearly 15 months. we keep telling amelia she needs to pack on some pounds to play with the big kids (her sister & cousins).

***

again, i feel that i am improving this week. it appears this concoction of meds dr im & dr arce have me on is working. one migraine a week is so much better than a migraine every other day. plus the muscle soreness isn't as pronounced. i am just very thankful that this is working & maybe, just maybe, i will feel back to normal in late january as dr im predicted. enough talk about that stuff.

***

we have received THREE christmas cards already (parsons--you outdid yourselves! thank you, thank you). so that means i need to get off my duff & spread a little christmas cheer? which probably also means getting off the computer (especially since there is a very *loud* bang coming from the upstairs play room...hhmm). as adeline asked this morning: can we go somewhere today, mom?! i asked her 'go where?' & she replied "mall, mom, mall. let's go!" ugh, really, to the mall? where a creepy man dressed up like santa will be? & tons of other parents & kids? with your cough? i was thinking target sounded fun. (oh gosh, then i remembered the one time i took them to target & adeline vomited three times & they had to give us a free shirt so she wouldn't have to leave in the freezing cold without a shirt or coat on? maybe target's not such a hot idea.) but i know what adeline is feeling. she's been sick for the past 2 1/2 days, mostly staying at home. she doesn't have a fever anymore, so maybe we will venture out. (does that mean we all have to get out of pj's?! shock & horror).

another day of appointments

so we're off to amelia's ENT appointment in a bit. i think we're ecstatically nervous... a friend of our's 9 month old just had tubes put in on tuesday & i was around her soon after the surgery. i was totally shocked & amazed at how happy & fine she was! so i feel much better about this whole ordeal. the thing we're nervous about is--*smile*--if the ent doesn't want to put tubes in! we are ready for amelia to not battle ear infections every other week.

plus, we have figured it out & we could have purchased a very large, awesome, flatscreen tv this year if it wasn't for our medical bills (not even counting my surgery...if we counted that we could go on some fantastic vacation!). it's really a travesty that we finally caught the flatscreen tv bug & now we can't afford to get one. ah well, so goes life.

AND, for all of you who have spent some time at our house when an important game is on cable or have just spent time at our house & are bored with our antenna-network tv. well, i have a christmas surprise for you: the gerbicks are getting cable! probably just for 3-6 months (b/c 6 months is free, if we keep it for just 3 months we somehow make a profit by switching cable companies. don't ask me, wes made a spreadsheet about this whole thing. seriously, an excel spreadsheet).

then this afternoon adeline & amelia have their well-child appointments. and my mom will be here, thankfully, to help me with that. i think only amelia gets vaccines. so! i think i will have to post later (b/c i must take a shower folks).

today.

finally, we have compost.

for some unknown blasted reason our compost bin has been mostly a pain in the arse. it smells something fierce & has all the bugs that might come with a decomposing body...no matter how much brown stuff we added, the green stuff always took over. but finally, after throwing away our green stuff for 6 weeks now & putting more & more & more brown stuff, well, finally we have *black* stuff. gardening gold! & wes is distributing it as i type. first, he put it on his beloved hops, which i understood b/c i stood at the porch & yelled out HEY PUT SOME ON THE ASPARAGUS ALSO! b/c they are my beloveds. plus wes raked our yard for the first time & this is the result from half of the back yard (notice the mound of leaves & straw in the back, in front of the fence. that's one of our veggie gardens). somehow we are going to mulch it up & to be laid over the garden for the winter, then tilled under in spring. ideas? i said lawn mower, but wes kinda looked at me funny so maybe lawn mower & straw don't go together well?

& this is what happens when you shop at costco for weekly groceries, as we did this week (we had to get other stuff there anyway). so now we have 5 pounds of carrots, 2 whole chickens, 4 bunches of celery & 20 pounds of potatoes. what the hell are we going to do with all this stuff? my answer: make soup like mad!
to the left is a chicken stock complete with a chicken (sans gizzards, yuck) that will be picked apart & the chicken frozen for later use & the stock canned by wesley alan. to the right is a sausage lentil soup, which is dinner tonight & lunch for me all week.

what else is in the works for us today? well, 10 days worth of laundry, mowing the yard (wes), sewing holes in addy's pants, hopefully making biscotti (teething 'biscuits' for amelia), & then writing down *all* my meds i've taken in the past year for my appointment tomorrow (that will take the longest, lol) & then wes got a little crazy & rented a movie from those red boxes (they're in grocery stores here). he rented pink panther 2 for $1. i really thought pink panther 1 was funny, so hopefully i will be sipping on hot chocolate, dipping biscotti tonight while watching pink panther 2. which means i need to get my butt in baking gear...

***
BUT has anyone watched 'modern family' on abc? well, i watched one of the shows online the other day, the friday from hell, & it cracked me up...tears running down my face sort of crack up. finally, a new show that isn't about a hospital or police/government. & it's funny.

my husband wants to be the man with the yellow hat

which doesn't seem like such a bad idea. the man with the yellow hat gets to do very exciting things, like ride in a submarine, go into space via a nasa rocket, etc. wes is always like 'cool, why don't i get to do that?' b/c it's a cartoon wes!

& wes *even* offered up himself to dress up like the man with the yellow hat for halloween if addy decided to be curious george...which she did want to be until i finally found a monkey costume (old navy, $22, btw) & tried it on her. i reviewed what i had reviewed with her for a week now: do you want to be a pirate? do you want to be a doggie? (those are costumes that a friend lent us so far) & she keeps saying 'ah ah' which in addy speak means curious george. so i load everyone up after naps yesterday to take a peek at old navy stuff & voila there it was! in the dressing room--which is very stressful with a 3 year old & a 13 month old who eats everything off floors--adeline suddenly said 'no ah ah; perrraa-at' which translated again means, i don't want to be curious george anymore, i want to be a pirate. ???

fine, whatever. but that also means you don't get those tights either b/c i don't feel like waiting in line for 20 minutes to buy a pair of tights. ha HA! b/c doesn't every visit to old navy end in a forever long line at the registers?!

***

so what else is going on with the gerbicks?

well, adeline has decided she likes to play & share with baby, but only sometimes. she has certain cars amelia can play with & makes amelia a pile of legos that amelia is rationed. when amelia looks desperate for something to do, adeline will sometimes jump in & grab something very non-exciting, like a ribbon that was tied around new kitchen towels (thanks, sue!) & that will keep amelia busy for nearly 20 minutes (how does adeline know these things?!).

& i have secret plans to stalk the gap at the polaris mall for *my jeans* which are the boyfriend jeans, in the correct size, the style without the ripped holes & such (i can rip my own jeans, if necessary. besides, holes let cold air in! it was would be fantastic if they would line these jeans with a thin layer of flannel or micro fleece, actually...). to make my winter shopping complete, i have to find a sweater that is very warm, a fleece shirt, & a pair of jeans (i am substituting the jeans for sweatpants...another favorite of mine. but i seem to get bleach on every single pair i own, so what's the point of buying a new pair? none of them fit me any more either, but who cares? they're sweatpants; they're supposed to be a bit baggy. more comfy.). so i have given up not shopping this season--those jeans i just wayyyy toooo enticing. plus all the sales. i would rather not get starbucks or eat out--which we have been *very* good about the past 6 weeks. (go budget, go). but these stalking shopping expeditions must be when kids are happy...when is that?

i was reading up on our life last year & *my goodness* it felt like it was just yesterday i was reading about. which rekindles my desire to keep writing about the mundane things that go on in our lives...so in a year or two or ten i can remember them.

yea, a post about not much...but i'm waiting for my ibuprofen to kick in with bio freeze & a heating pad on my neck & there's not much else i can do right now, so...picking up a child is *out of the question* but i must go sit on the floor now, lest amelia call children services to say her mama is ignoring her.

oh my goodness?!

what have we been up to? where did my blogging skills go? well, folks...we are in the midst of preparing for the surgery, dealing with another round of that terrible cold virus (which gave adeline croup AGAIN), & then scrambling around like chickens with our heads chopped off for no good reason (except that darn surgery on tuesday).

freakity freak! yes, it IS on tuesday & when i let myself venture into the realm of thinking about it...i start to panic & imagine all those horrible scenarios, etc. not pretty, ladies & gents. SO. what can i do about that? i've gotten some good suggestions from friends & family & am trying my best to use positive coping tools (oh shucks don't i sound like a *good* social worker?).

monday night i went to my aunt zilpha's calling hours & viewing. i was very glad to go & even more happy that my sister drove me the 2+ hours to get there & then back again & also that my parents were there (b/c heck if i know half of the people there...my grandma's family is very expansive & i am so shy...lol). the mood was as it should be, somber but not miserably sad b/c zilpha lived a long life that she filled with joy & exuberance over the everyday life stuff.

then tonight we are preparing our house to get the carpets cleaned. putting stuff up on couches, beds, etc & then taking guesses on what adeline or amelia will spill first on the newly cleaned carpets. it WILL happen & it WILL be within a week. i can almost guarantee you that one, lol.

so...i hope to have more time to write a post about all the thanks i have to so many people who are praying for me & sending me things, doing stuff for me & my family. you are not forgotten & certainly are appreciated. but i am very tired & ready to watch a tivo'd csi show with the hub-ster.

5 days to go.