my mantra today is:

do not cry. not right now.

i was having a fine day at first. the girls slept in until 7:10, yea! hubby let me lie in bed until 7:30 while he got up with the munchkins. (thank you). i did some daily cleaning stuff, no biggie. check my mail. went into AN forum. didn't exit for quite a while. check other AN patient's blogs. & then the mantra started: do not cry, not right now.

i have to be a mom, cleaning & making lunches & doing nap times & such. today my struggle is if i'm making the right decision with having surgery over a form of radiation. all things to *try* not to worry about until i meet with my doctor on july 8th. he is willing to do either of them (surgery or radiation) but explained to me why surgery is best for me, my symptoms, my age, my tumor. AAHHHH. i just want to go back to last month when our biggest concern was addy's language delay & figuring out what the heck is eating our side veggie garden (still have no answer for that, but whatever it is has pretty much destroyed it).

i think i have been fairly absent with my mothering duties today. adeline is now pulling my hand away from the keyboard. then she moves to the slide, banging her legs into the side, making very loud noises & then she just stares at me with this smile that screams: come on, get outta your chair & come get me. she wants to fly to the moon on her swing outside. amelia is nicknamed 'clingon' today, as is clings-on-mama-constantly. i feel my kids reacting to my anxiety. griswold sleeps by my side of the bed at night. he lays down nearly on top of me when i'm on the floor. my kiddoes are suddenly wanting to be attached to me.

if only there was a way to tell the future, eh?

***

also, i totally forgot to post this! at amelia's 9 month (but nearly 10 month) check up, her stats are as follows:
20.9 pounds (71%)
28.0 inches (54%)
she is one giggly ball of hair & chunk. we also missed her 10 month birthday (last friday).

***

kids are opening & closing front door ??!!!?? must go

a whole new world out there

so i've joined this acoustic neuroma forum & i'm reading others stories. some pre-op are eerily familiar. some are totally different. some post-op make me cry & shake a bit. check out these blogs if you're interested:

http://threecurlygirlies.blogspot.com/

http://briansbrainbooger.blogspot.com/

these are the ones i've found tonight. tonight i had orignally just wanted to crawl into bed shortly after the girls went to bed (8 p.m.) but here i am, at 9:30, still at the computer. this forum is addictive! so many things to learn about, good & bad. it helps to talk & read posts from others who have gone through the same thing. ugh.

then there's paige from last week who says she feels nearly normal (except for the feeling that part of her face is coming out of novocaine constantly). it's great to hear that & i hope & pray & beg god that i feel that way 8 months post-op. but some things i just can't wrap my mind around, like my skull being drilled into or the possibility of my face being paralized (even if temporary for 6 months or so) or not being able to soothe by kids when i'm back home & hear them crying for mama.

i'm also just realizing how terrified i am of having facial problems. i know that may sound superficial, but hey, just being honest. yea, i would much rather live with facial paralysis than die of a (benign) brain tumor years down the road, but still. i want to smile. i want others to see my smile; not that's it's a million dollar one or anything, but it's a simple way to connect with others.

accepting the fear of this tumor & surgery is difficult, to say the least. the surgery side effects can be so life changing themselves...but the chance of them happening are minimal (the side effects) but i keep thinking 'what if?'.

maybe i just need to go take a no-jittery pill, read a book, & then go to sleep.

***
btw: adeline & amelia played alone in the playroom, together for 90 minutes today. i was in my bedroom cleaning, folding laundry, etc & could hear nothing but giggles coming from the playroom. when i went in to get amelia for her nap, adeline cried & held onto amelia's legs as i got up. it was so sweet! friends & sisters, nothing better.

baby bump

amelia fell out of her high chair this morning. crashed, head first onto the wood deck (they were eating breakfast outside). poor girl! she seems to have recovered nicely. according to our pediatric nurse, who we called nearly immediately, as long as the bump on the head is hard, it's all good. when the bump is soft, not good b/c it's then filled with fluid. she has a small, hard baby bump & scrape on her head. it's covered by her hair, though, lucky girl. i think she's doing just fine now, about an hour after the incident: she's crawling over adeline who's laying down on the floor watching tv, attempting to then climb up the slide, & now she just crawled into the kitchen to find something interesting in the cupboard to bring back to play with right beside her mama.

***
addy's new word is "yep". she says it with the most nonchalant, girly voice ever. i ask her questions just to get the 'yep' response. she is learning signs like crazy! these cards i bought at border's are amazing! AND amelia gave her first sign the other day ("more"). so apparently amelia is eyeing us down while i practice signs with adeline! smarty.

***
i tell ya, if curious george & sid the science kid weren't on tv, i wouldn't be able to blog...lol.

***
so last thursday a 'survivor' of an acoustic neuroma/vestibular schwannoma ("AN") came to visit me. we met on this chat board (i'm the 4th member, lol) but we all have the same doctor & they all had the same surgery. in case you didn't know this, AN can be in slightly different spots around the same area, so not all are the same or come with the same symptoms or concerns during surgery (different nerves may be wrapped up in the tumor from person to person). anyway, this woman, paige, has two kids (her youngest's name is amelia! who is 14 months) & had this surgery last fall, around thanksgiving. she is much less emotional than i am, but in a good way & gave me sooo much information. it was wonderful.

part of the wonderfulness was just seeing her. she could walk, talk, pick up her little one (her son was at a playdate); i think part of my fear is that some of the possible complications will change how i am, like my ability to smile or talk or whatever (read: i will look very different). she told me everything i wanted to know, holding nothing back. i feel much better, more knowledgeable after talking with her, meeting her. she even had some facial paralysis & total hearing loss in the operated ear (her right, my left). she told me the gritty details about some stuff, which it seems is better to hear the truthful gritty details instead of my great imagination taking all the possibilities & running away with it. i'm sure i'll keep referencing what paige told me over the next few weeks...safe to say it was helpful to meet with her.

***

wes & i went on a date friday night! yippee yea! we went to dinner & a movie, at easton. we really like the mexican restuarant there, abuelos & nearly always eat there when in easton sans kids. then we watched "away we go". it was pretty good per my report, not so great per wes' report. i thought since it was about parenting stuff he'd get a kick out of it, but in hindsight, i should've chosen 'the hangover' for us instead. sorry hubby. BUT there were some really funny scenes in this movie & i would recommend it...like the totally whacked "continuum parenting" people. i guess it just showed the diversity of parenting styles & how odd that specific one looks to others who are not like them?

the one thing i learned from the previews is that the book i just read "the time traveler's wife" is now a movie coming out in august or sometime around then. *sigh* don't know how i feel about it. i will FOR SURE watch it, but sometimes movies adapted from books just aren't as good as the books & then it warps my opinion of the book. plus i have my own thoughts of what the characters & scenes look like & this movie may be totally different! know what i mean? so i guess what i'm sayin': read the book before seeing the movie.

***
sid is over, must go.

ball game. with 4 kids 2 & under!

we did it! last night we went to the columbus clipper's game & we even stayed for most of the game! we had our girls & then my brother's twins. you would think that a ratio of 8 adults to 4 kids would be a good one. it helped, but the kids won out eventually (we left early). highlights? well, there was this huge jumping-room thing for the kids. pay $1 for 3 minutes of pure jumping joy. then the kid must exit jumping thing. if the kid is adeline, the kid will NOT want to exit & will crouch in the corner of the jumping thing & scream like her life is ending. of course, grandma is with her & is not the most excited about crawling into the jumping thing to retrieve screaming child, especially since she had amelia with her. thankfully, uncle cal was walking by & offered to go in & grab screaming banshee child who is making quite a scene. (the dude running the jumping thing asked cal: are you her dad? of course, cal is not but somehow the guy let cal take her with a simple 'i'm her uncle'... not sure how i feel about this, know what i mean? could anyone have said 'i'm her uncle' & taken a screaming kid away? so glad it was cal, anyway.) wes & i were watching the game! (no worries, we soon resumed our parental duties). as usual, i have inundated you with pictures:

aunt kristi getting some amelia lovin'
the not-so-smiling mascot.

chloe & zoe, the smiling mascots

addy is so grown up
OR
big body, little girl head.

millie is a fan of baseball! the older gentleman sitting beside me, while i was holding the clapping & shouting baby turned to me after millie had *thrown* her rattle maraca at him (& as i tensely awaited his reaction, is he friend or foe of babies?). anyway, he turned to me with a smile & the maraca & said 'she throws better than half of those guys out there, get her a uniform!' (*mama sigh of relief, he's a friend of babies)

millie also got a heat rash yesterday, which didn't freak us out at first, but as it continues to come & go & then get worse, then much worse, we are starting to worry. we gave her a dose of benedryl to hopefully help the healing...
nose shot of cal & kristi & my dad.

part of the fam (left - right): cal (my brother in law), my dad, my brother, leila (sis in law), uh, chloe & zoe (i am a terrible aunt & can not for the life of me tell them apart).

cousin hugs!

the clippers did NOT win. ah well. when we left (top of 7th inning?) i believe it was 11 to 0. oops.

prior to the game, we all met at our house for some pizza & to ready ourselves for what we were about to do: take 4 kids 2 & under to a minor league baseball game. nope, we didn't need beer (yet) either. we needed our wits about us, lol.

here is 3 of the adults pushing 3 of the kids on the swings.

(aunt) leila holding the baby amelia.

***
my parents came here friday morning to take care of the girls during the garage sale. here is a peek into their fun times (hint: dora is on tv).

***

& this, my friends, is what adeline & i created a few days ago. it is titled "daddy at work"

& yes, that would be wes, the weird smiling thing in the open window. this was addy's idea, i promise.
the stupid freakin annoying fuchsia hollyhocks. grrr.

little bear playing the emotion game with adeline & i. she is *surprised!*

adeline playing the emotion game. she is *sad*

***

so since i last posted, i have put together a garage sale, sold nearly nothing during the 7 hours of garage sale operation, & then torn down that stupid garage sale. we made about $80-some dollars (if you count what my friend judy owes me still, ahem, lol). it's really a good thing that this garage sale wasn't about making money!!! b/c we didn't. what was it for, then, you may be wondering? distraction. & for that, it worked beautifully!

i went through the first 12 months of baby clothes. remembered all the times they wore this or that & where & when that certain stain came from. i put aside some of my mama-favorites, like the squirrel outfit adeline had & the 'love me' super soft outfit millie wore most of the first month. i put aside the first outfits grandparents purchased for the newbies & then also some outfits just in case my sister does have a kid in the next decade.

i am not so much an emotional person over things like that. for instance, during our wedding ceremony, wes was the one crying. i get upset over travesties of life (like harold) or a child/baby/anyone dying or being terminally ill, i cry over heart wrenching movies & when my adeline gives me that garbled up 'i love you' sound. but not over certain things that others do. so i didn't cry watching the very few people who did buy our clothes walk away with our memories. b/c the clothes are just that, memories. & hey, we have pictures right? well, for freaks sake, we have the kids still, that's enough for me.

i did love organizing the clothes & cleaning out the garage. what i didn't love is waiting & waiting for people to show up. then when certain people did & saw it was obviously a baby sale, & then quickly turned around to walk away or the quick drive by's...not that pissed me off. i was on the verge of throwing tiny pebbles at them *smile*. but i didn't. so within 1 hour of shutting the garage door, all the stuff was dropped off at 'once upon a child' & is awaiting our pick up to see how much stuff they didn't buy. at which point i will post those on free-cycle or give to certain ladies-in-waiting expecting girls. i called our local once upon a child store & wow those ladies are gummmp-y! yikes. i wanted to know how much they give for onesies & such. she said something along the lines of 'we're full, maybe you should wait until july' to which i replied 'well, i just want it gone, so are you buying or not?' (i said this in a nice voice) & she replied 'yes, of course' & i was like 'uh, okay, we're bringing our stuff then...' ??? but they refused our bouncy seats b/c they are 'so full' blah blah blah. so we have some bouncy seats! i think i'm going to try craigslist...

at any rate, what shall i do next? the way i explained this to some people this week, this urge i have right now to hunker down in my house & organize or clean or purge things: it's like nesting at the end of a pregnancy. i want to have pictures up of the girls, i want our bedroom finished (complete with pictures of the girls, lol), i want our basement organized & our garage cleaned & our windows washed. i dunno, this may sound crazy to some. but the less i focus on harold & the upcoming surgery, the less anxious i am, the better mom & wife i am. there is a time each day, or several times, that i let myself sink into the thought of this tumor. then i cry & try not to let myself think of all the possible outcomes of surgery (or the much higher death rate if surgery is not chosen). my mom called this 'mourning', taking time to mourn the loss of this part of my life, this short while & then move on from those thoughts.

i usually am not a busy person. a perfect vacation to me is finding a place to sit in the middle of some sort of beautiful/stunning nature scene & not moving for quite a while (usually a book would accompany this not moving part). so this whole business of being busy is unusual to me & is possibly wearing me out, but the other option of freaking out on a near constant basis is much less appealing. so what's in my plans for the next few weeks?

• finishing our bedroom
• pictures
• ikea trip (to help finish our bedroom...they have this hamper... & their picture frames are a deal)
• trip *somewhere* alone with hubby
• clean basement
• set up a daily schedule for adeline to follow. (this was recommended by our pediatrician as a way for her to cope with being moved from grandma to grandma & being out of her house for awhile & then also suddenly have her main caretaker -me- switched to her grandmas. it will be complete with pictures & rewards & snack breaks & such. wes is excited to help set it up & print it off).in between that would be a 4th of july out of town (w/ my parents & nieces) & a few gatherings with friends here & there.
• 4th of july in ashland w/ parents & nieces & brother & sis in law.
  

we also checked off our to-do list getting the grandparent visits organized & scheduled for around harold-abduction time. it's a relief to have that done.
gah, enough of harold-esque situations!

phew, long post.

& a birthday girl slipped by...

so yesterday was my mother-in-law's birthday. of course, my first slip on birthday & other important dates would be my mil! i'm so sorry, doi!

but i can still write a post for her, b/c this is my blog & i can pretend it's yesterday! here goes.

words to describe sue, my hubby's mama, my mil, my girls' grandma:
hardworking. generous. blond-bombshell. ingenious. thoughtful. kind. spectacularly creative. follower of jesus. intelligent. practical. helpful. energetic! could-have-been-a-swimsuit-model-but-chose-consumer-science-education-teacher-instead. bold. forgiving (*smile*). loving. tender. walking-encyclopedia-of-all-things-kitchen. doer.

sue has welcomed me into their family with gusto and i'm greatful.

Now its my (Wes) turn to talk about my Mom. So what do you say about one of the three greatest Mom's ever. (the others being Heidi and Heidi's mom). I could say alot or just leave it as simple as that. I think the best way is to share some of my childhood and adulthood mother memories....

-being stripped down naked and hosed off in the front yard after getting too dirty outside playing.
-letting me come home for lunch everyday in 3rd grade because my teacher was a witch (i'm serious on both accounts.)
-legos, lots and lots of legos
-rootbeer floats on top of the swingset
-lots of yummy food
-knowing how to sew long before 7th grade
-diapers, lots and lots of diapers (for my kids)
-large ice-cream cones for swimming across the pool
-making us go to church when we didn't want to
-drawing out matchbox cities on paper in the basement
-not getting too upset when we tested our homemade launching systems made from tinker toys on her
-not getting too upset when we broke her flowers and flower pots over and over again
-getting tipsy on cruises
-being grandma

I could go on for a long time but I think y'all get the idea. My mom is awesome andwe love her very much.

Happy Birthday Mom!

to finish

amelia has an ear infection. she's doing pretty good & is mostly happy. she is just having a hard time sleeping. antibiotics are on the way...

i am attempting to put her down, adeline comes rocketing into the bedroom trying her hardest to be quiet *shhh* as mama kept telling her. adeline looks back at me & in normal tone does her jump up & down, flapping her hands around going "shhh!".

now adeline is trying to suction her body to mine as i type. we are *one* now? an alien force to be reckoned with. not only am i a host for harold, i am also a jungle gym, life-sucker, a continuous "no" recorded message, etc etc. ... must go kick around this pink & white mini soccer ball we picked out at target last night. it's all the rage in our house today (btw: tv time is over today. i can't stand to hear it on anymore!). so i guess that means addy is bored solid. bored stiff. bored silly. bored-oh-i-just-figured-out-my-pez-excited now. she has un-suctioned herself from me & is now making little bear do the 'eat' hand sign. lol, love this kid. wait, now the freezer is being opened. must go.

hope you enjoyed the play by play.

pictures from our past weekend

picture time!

amelia the moving-millie-monster!
she loved to crawl over the grass & concrete & get everyone to smile at her. oh yea, she also loves to pull out her grandma sue's beautiful flowers. (we are 100% sure her grandma still loves her, though.)

amelia, nearly 10 months.

addy, 11 months. crawling under the same chair/table as amelia's above picture.

***
cleveland zoo!

taking a break to eat some serious ben & jerry's ice cream! yum-yum-yumminy!
grandma sue & adeline (millie is konked out in the stroller to the left, look closely...so cute)

look how huge addy's cone is! this was the kid's size! she's trying her hardest to get it all...

addy's *GOTTA SEE* the gorillas & monkeys! geesh.

it was nap time for most of the animals.

our happy baby millie.

checking out the sea lions with mama.

for this picture wes & sue kept asking addy to smile & she wouldn't (oh, tad bit grumpy-bear-addy?). so i smiled for her.
THEN, sue went to buy some of the feed for the sea lions, totally unbeknownst to her it was DEAD FISH! so over she walks to us holding 3 little dead fish in her hand. how gross! *gag* what a grandma you have, girls. i would've taken one look at them & told them to keep the money i just gave them, there's no way i'm touching those fisheeees.

grandma & the amelia-beauty. (look at her legs! how cute?!)

mama & adeline checking out the giraffs. addy *loved* them.

what other zoo highlights?
well, somehow we managed to end up at the nastiest food joint there was at the zoo & i think all the adults felt sick after eating that food. which is just sorta funny to remember. we all had this *ICK* look on our faces & the girls had this *YUM* look.

the cleveland zoo is much bigger than the columbus zoo. thankfully, wes & sue felt my tumor was serious enough that i didn't have to push the pack-muled strollers up the steep hills. lol.

addy loves the big birds, like geese, ducks, etc. this is how it goes: point & squeal. she also loves the big cats (tigers, lions, etc) & can make their noises (which for us is an accomplishment). i think at her speech playgroup on thursday, where the theme of the day is "zoo", adeline will have many stories to share.

amelia mostly just hung out in her stroller, happy to watch the world going by. we got her out to crawl around a few times & she was thrilled to discover that *gasp* the cleveland zoo has grass, also!

the sad part is that we had originally planned to make zoo day friday, but the stormy/torrential rain diswayed us. so we had to go on saturday instead...what is unfortunate about this: wes' dad could only come with us on friday, so he missed out on the zoo trip! throughout the day, addy kept say "papaw?" & putting her arms up in question, ya know, 'where is he? where's papaw?' maybe that's why she refused to smile for the camera that day? her papaw was missing...

it was a good day. we all even avoided getting sun burnt! which is pretty amazing considering out skin...towards the end of the visit, i pulled out my gi-normous sun hat that shades about 10 feet around me (kidding, but it is rather large) & i felt better. so then addy followed suit & donned her hat. amelia, not so much. we put her had on. she took it off with a snarky smile. we put her hat on again for kicks. she took it off with more *umph* than before.

where did my kids learn this attitude from? lol.

***
dad's birthday!

how did we miss getting any good pictures of wes ALL WEEKEND?! well, i do have one of him bending over the strawberry patch, but it shows his undies & his behind only. i'm guessing i am one of the onlies to find this picture enticing, *smile*.

as usual, we had STEAK that was delish, with grilled veggies, garlic mashed potatoes, & then pan-fried yellow squash with parmesan cheese atop. THEN, of course, we had DQ ice cream cake. (for the first few years we were married, i spent hours baking a yummy cake for wes' birthdays. he would fane (spelling?) a smile & eat it & say 'yes this is very good'. finally i asked what the hell? why aren't you happy with your birthday cake?' he finally told me that the only cake he wants for his birthday is specifically dq ice cream cake. the past few years, his smile over his cake is much bigger & real. *sigh* i will have to try my culinary ventures on the girls). i KNOW i took a picture of this cake, b/c it had this thing on it that said "i love my daddy" & it was so cute & wes was very happy with it, but those pics are not on picasa?! did they not upload? i must investigate this siutation.

anyway, this was amelia eating dad's birthday cake.

addy didn't want her picture taken that evening.

***
adeline's actually been VERY moody the past week or more (uh, more than just normal little preschool girl moody, much more). i'm thinking she is sensing & overhearing some of the stuff about harold & i. oh yea, & the fact that her mama goes into crying fits about 3 or 4 times a day? maybe that also.

last night after addy cried & cried for an hour trying to get to sleep, i went in to see what the deal was. she snuggled up to me like a leach & just held onto me (similar to how she went down for a nap today also). addy has always been one to fall asleep on her own, but now she wants ME (not wes, it has to be me) to hold her hand, cuddle with her until she is dead asleep. it breaks my heart b/c i see this change in behavior & it is very plausible that it's b/c of our family being thrown into a traumatizing event in life. so then wes joined us (after getting millie to sleep, who we think is sick in some way & wes is taking her to the ped's this morning as i type) & we talked to adeline about mama being a bit sick, that it's my ear & my head & mama will be seeing a doctor to get it fixed. addy then went into her shouting "daddy fix it" & throwing her arms up & down like a hammer, just like my mom taught her. wes said 'i wish daddy could fix it, but a doctor has to fix it'... addy had the most sorrowful look on her face & started to stroke my cheek & ear & leg & pat my head & in her own language she started to babble a bit. my mama heart is telling me she was comforting me, giving me words of wisdom that only a preschooler can give. i wish i could understand them b/c they may be the most comforting ones of all. at any rate, her caring attitude towards me lets me know that we're sorta doing this parenting thing right.

& we're in a heat wave! have i ever mentioned that i am NOT a summer person? i could live in alaska or northern michigan or canada & be perfectly happy with the cool/warm summers. i hate the heat. & the past few years i've broken down & worn shorts & skirts. still hate the heat. i prefer to be bundled up in sweaters & blankets & snow boots, thank you very much. what's the worst is that here in the midwest, the heat is HUMID. it's not like boise, which wasn't so bad comparatively considering the low low humidity. & in idaho it seemed there was nearly always a breeze. anyway, this heat wave in late june is just plain annoying to me. i mean, who wants to sweat after being outside for 2 minutes? who wants to get sun burnt after 10 minutes (that may just be me, so yea, nevamind). & lets not get into the ickiness of sunscreen! it makes me & the girls look like we have grease on us. & i feel it, too. gross. heat, go away.

***
wes just pulled in with the baby, must go see what the prognosis is.

a quick thought for everyones

so i just talked to my friend judy who mentioned that people are wondering what they can do to help out the gerbicks pre & post op. which is AWESOME. a lot of this is coming from the church we attended the past few years, central vineyard. i just love them folks. (tough decision to go to the church just a few miles down the road *sigh*). so here's the situation: when i think about the surgery & harold & what i will be like post-surgery, i start to FREAK OUT. like i did on the phone just a few minutes ago with judy. you know, near panic attack breathing, sobbing, snot dripping all over the place. my mother in law & then my parents also saw this yesterday. i'm just having a hard time thinking about it right now. so the best thing i can say for those who want to help (thank you, thank you, thank you, you are amazing) is to email my mom. she has set up this spreadsheet that will include what people are able to help out with, say taking my girls to the park for a few hours, bringing meals so my mom/mother in law can focus on taking care of my girls & i. my mom's email is: karenscott311311@gmail.com . also, another kind friend, kara hill (she is a cv'er) is setting up meals for us. i don't know if she wants me publishing her email, but just email my mom that you're willing to give us a meal & then my mom will somehow get that info to kara.

friends & strangers, you are blowing me away with your help & support & love & PRAYERS. it's like i can just feel the holy spirit settling in on me at different times throughout the day & jesus tells me, like he's sitting next to me conversing with me, that someone is praying for me. whether i'm miraculously healed from this tumor is one thing--yea that would be so very cool & all, but emotional healing is just as miraculous & that IS going on.

***

we spent the weekend with the in-laws & then made an unplanned stop at my parent's house on the way home (that millie, waking up so early in the car....). we have lots of zoo pics from this weekend & other pics that i will post later; i will devote a post that is harold free, hopefully :o)

i think this harold situation is also teaching me to let go even more of the confines of my ideals & expectations. in a perfect world, i would be sitting on the floor or grass, playing with my kids endlessly, teaching them foreign language & sign language (which we just found these sign/picture cards that ROCK & should help a lot once we finally get them out around addy, lol). but the tv can be on most of the morning & addy still gets her exercise & feels loved by her parents. amelia can annoy her sister by taking her toys for longer than 2 minutes & life will go on. loads of laundry can be rewashed several times & global warming isn't much for the worse b/c of it.

& i'm also learning that right now i NEED to not think about harold as much as possible. so we're setting up for a garage sale & then a weekend full of family time that includes going to a clipper's game (hhmm, don't know how that will go with a 10 month old, but i guess we'll find out!).

***

okay, what the frack is up with a jack hammer & large machinery being used just 3 houses down??! gggrr. i was putting millie down for a nap, the window was open & it was dead quiet outside (okay a few of wes' fav birds were tweeting away, but no biggie). so i left the window open, letting her get some fresh air while sleeping. good things. she's in her crib, quietly investigating a book & has that half asleep look about her. i close the door, she's fine, no crying or whimpering. i walk downstairs to get a snack for addy. suddenly, the jackhammer is pounding away. amelia cries. jackhammer goes on & on for 30 minutes. amelia is in & out of sleep (which is unlike her, once she's out, she's gone). then the jackhammer is over & i give a sigh of relief. then the heavy machinery starts. i have no *freakin* clue what the shizzle is going on down the street, but i was ready to go all ape on the workers. i think i may need a sign that goes around my neck that says "don't mind my rantings, i have a brain tumor, please forgive me". sort of like the handicap signs in cars & on license plates. just a friendly reminder to everyone why i will suddenly seem like a maniac who should be hospitalized...i literally had to talk aloud to myself saying "it's not rational for you to walk down to that house & screech at them about your baby needing to take a nap"

another thing that's pissing me off? those old ladies at the westerville gardening club booth said that these hollyhocks were WHITE. so i put them out in our front yard, where the color theme is shades of white & green. these freakin hollyhocks are a very beautiful color of fuchsia. FUCHSIA. i can't make myself pull them out or replant them, so there they are, messing up my color themed flower bed. i asked those old ladies several times, 'are you *sure* these will be white?!' & they were adamant, 'yes, they will have white blooms.' let it go, heidi...

***

no worries, folks, i have my first therapy appointment tomorrow morning (wes is joining for moral support & to learn how to cope with a wife who is *freakin out* every day) & it's through the vineyard columbus, so i'm hoping that i am able to work through some things a bit. until then, here's to sobbing my eyes out a few times a day. i'm so glad i bought new glasses this year, they are so very useful (like i mentioned before, crying & contacts don't work together). & another frack, i somehow got a sunburn yesterday. ouch ouch ouch.

the wes-man has a birthday

today i am finding myself very stricken with anxiety & worry & just nasty things. i think it's b/c of a few things: it's wes birthday & i want to do something GREAT for him & i am doing nothing but falling apart. another reason is that we are leaving for the weekend & i have to pack today & for some reason that is really stressing me out.

so my sister suggested doing something that relaxes me for awhile (among many other good ideas that she shared). so i'm looking at pictures of my babies. & crying & addy is stroking my cheek saying "oooh, mama, oooh" & i tell her mama's just sad & i will be better soon. & she says 'YEA! with a big smile' then i turn on a dvd & all is good with the girls. so here's to sharing some of the pictures that are making me feel that all is okay with the world today:

amelia getting her a mid-day bath due to playing in addy's potty full of pee.
adeline at about 10 1/2 months, sitting in the same sink getting a similar mid-day bath.

i go back & forth between thinking they don't have that much of a resemblance to thinking they could pass as twins. it depends on the hair, the day, & the faces they're making. you be your own judge...just don't tell me, b/c i have my own mama-mind made up & i'll say you are a fool if you disagree :o) lol. (told you i'm in a great mood)

amelia this past month. i believe this was sit-&-eat-strawberries evening.

addy with her grandpa bruce at about 10-11 months.
***
this is just one basket of strawberries we've picked this week. we're overflowing with berries & i hate to say it, but we've really been slacking on picking this past week (oh, due to many sessions of holding each other & crying?!) so we are finding a lot of rotten ones throughout the patch. *sigh* don't tell addy we've let some go rotten. she may decide to put us in time out...

this ever-so-wonderful investment: a water table. or as addy thinks, a wee little pool. this is often where we find her in the nude.

addy being her dare-devil-acrobatic self
***
& here's to the man of the day. wes! it's his birthday!
happy birthday, my love.

wes is just an amazing man. he has a tender heart. when i first met him & told my friends that although he was a republican (smile...no worries folks, i have switched him already to the correct end, lol) he had soft tender eyes, like what i would imagine jesus to have. he sees people for who they are & isn't quick to judge or place blame or look for excuses. he is a man of honesty & integrity & deep love. wes is always putting himself on the back burner for others, especially his family. he is so calm that sometimes it annoys me; you know, like get upset about something, for the love of it all! but he most often doesn't (although i am here for him if he does, of course) he is like a calm, crystal-clear, beautiful caribbean ocean. you are able to see through him to the bottom of his white, sandy ocean floor.

okay, enough of the silly metaphor (or would it be a simile? ugh, i despise grammar!). wes is just part of me, & he is my haven right now (but, 'haven' the word, i love). i love this guy!

wes with baby amelia, alive for 2 minutes.

wes helping adeline fish last summer

wes mowing the yard with adeline. huh, he just did this same thing with amelia yesterday.

***
my mom may just kill me if i do this, but i'm going to do it anyway. who can try to kill a daughter with a brain tumor?! (see, harold IS useful!). plus i think my mom should start her own blog & start writing to publish. so consider this my *push*, mom.

Wes, I did want to take an opportunity to tell you what I feel about you -- especially now with all that is going on in your life. If the measure of a man is what his responses are to life's gut wrenching issues, then you have been measured and found well built. If the measure of a man is in finding how much he makes the people around him in his life know that he loves them - you are found overflowing and wealthy. If the measure of a man is in how much his wife and children trust him because they have found him a trustworthy hiding place, a solace and firm anchor in any storm, then you have been found solid and sturdy and worthy of the load.

Hear this Wes Gerbick. Know that you have been measured and have surpassed the bar.

Wes, I have always loved you not only just because of who you are, but also because of the tender yet firm love you show my daughter and now granddaughters. To know when Heidi needs you most that she KNOWS she can rest in you because you are her Jesus here on earth, that makes me fall before God and beg him to protect you. You have been presented a task that many men would walk - no run - away from, either physically walk or mentally walk, and yet you are solidly honorable in your loyalty and your love and your protection of those that God has given into your care. I cannot tell you with earthly words what that does to my soul, what that does to my most tender mother's heart, how my mother's eye sees that, but in heaven God will give us words to communicate that easily, so accept this clumsy attempt for now.

I have found that the "enjoyments" in life are great and needed and worthy of much praise, but it is the difficult tunnels of life where you cannot see the end and sometimes cannot even see God that give us depth and teach us that this earthly journey is just that -- a journey to reach the other side..... It is my experience that shallow people get shallow treatment from God. (He obviously does not see you shallow, especially as of late.....). Through pain and suffering sometimes God raises that curtain between earth and heaven and lets you catch a glimpse of how shallow all of earth's follies are, and how deep and rich the other side is.....And sometimes you get to see and realize what is truly important and what stuff our souls are made of, and what is just chaff. And when you need to turn off the journey for a while, know that we are here to help lift the burden however we can.

So Wes, we truly wish you a happy birthday. Happy - because when you see some of the worst stressers and worst fears that life can throw you, you can still take enjoyment and still breathe deeply the goodness, and still laugh and smile and know your measure.

My love to you -- karen

a tale of two girls

45 minutes ago...addy using the bathroom sink as a water table
41 minutes ago...addy's timeout ends in major tantrum
40 minutes ago...mommy takes addy to her bedroom
30 minutes ago...addy still crying...mommy reading a book
20 minutes ago...addy stops crying...mommy still reading
15 minutes ago...daddy finds addy asleep and mommy reading book
13 minutes ago...daddy gives up on waking addy up, calls in reinforcements = mommy
5 minutes ago...daddy finds addy and mommy asleep

what a difference a week makes

last week, adeline didn't watch more than 1 (maybe 2 if she's very lucky) tv shows back to back. this week, right now in fact, we're on #3 for the morning. & yes, it's only around 8:45. *sigh* learning to let go & do anything possible to make everyone's lives a bit more easy, relaxed, etc.

***

yesterday amelia was like curious george or maybe even sid the science kid. she wanted to get involved in everything. i really enjoy this age, i think i've mentioned that before. i mean, what can be cuter than a baby crawling around learning how things work?! so yesterday she was stuck in these locations: bottom of exersaucer (rolling around), on the 2nd step of our indoor stairs, underneath the 2-step ladder on their indoor slide, stuck belly/face-on to the slide with all 4's planted firmly, on the 1st step of the slide ladder, under addy's swing as addy was swinging (stay very close to the ground amelia or else your head will be severely conked), on the outdoor slide trying to climb up, in the mini ditch we have separating our yard & gardens (also read: amelia covered in mud!), COVERED in weeds from my hours spent pulling weeds (she pulled them out from my 'weed wagon' which is not as exciting as it may seem. i'm talking about actual garden weeds, not the kind you smoke, lol). amelia was also stuck on the bed in the playroom (we have another mattress on the floor, so it would be a soft landing if she did fall, but apparently addy somehow managed to pull/push amelia up to the bed?!) yea, amelia was a bit shaken up by that & right as i was walking int other room to see why she was crying, she did the head dive off the bed & onto the lower mattress on the floor. i ran over to her ready to comfort a crying baby & she looked up at me with sparkles in her eyes & clapped her hands. i love my kids, they are so adventurous!

amelia also has discovered her favorite toy of all time: a battery operated maraca that changes colors, sings songs, & counts (in english & spanish!). she has learned to crawl with it, to cruise along furniture with it, to hold onto it like her life depends on it when in a store or at church or anywhere. i've had 2 people lean over to me & say 'i think your phone is ringing' to which i listen for a second & then say, 'nope it's just my daughter's maraca' lol.

amelia also pulled some flowers out of the beds--grrrrrr-- consequently getting her first disciplinary action. i said 'no no, amelia, no no'. she looked at me & grinned, pulled more flowers out. i moved her away about 2 feet, turning her attention to the water table. i looked back 5 seconds later & amelia was there again at the flowers, pulling them out! i sighed & thought 'now is the time, so sorry baby'. i went over & with more UMPH said 'no NO baby, & flicked her hand (lightly, okay, i can't do anything else right now ya know?). she grabbed the flicked hand & looked at me with the most sorrowful sad eyes. i nearly started to cry myself! then she looked at the flowers again & i said 'no no baby, please stay away' & she looked at me again & crawled over to the water table. success! thankfully they were these ground cover plants that you really just can't kill in any way, so i just put them back in the soil & they are happy again today.

***

yesterday i did a fair amount of stuff around the house to keep my mind off of harold. i vacuumed the house (including steps!), did 5 loads of laundry, folded, put away all that laundry, went through 3 large tubs of baby clothes, & weeded 3 of the 5 veggie gardens (one being very in need & large, ugh). plus playing with the girls. exhausting, but important to keep busy right now.

& i am developing a top 10 things to do before harold & i depart. here's my list so far:

1. spend a weekend away with my hubby (i'm thinking michigan?)
2. spend weekend (4th of july?) with my family
3. spend upcoming weekend with in-laws
4. garage sale to clean up the basement a bit (so the folks who come to help us out for a few weeks post-op won't be scared away by our basement clutter) & get rid of all the baby stuff we have laying around. babies have so much stuff! i was going to get a table at the westerville baby sale in august, but that's not going to be possible now.
5. learn more signs & find these signing cards that addy's speech therapist was talking about
6. organize the time post-op, such as when certain people will be here with the girls, etc
7. finish our bedroom (painting, put up pics)
8. develop amelia's pictures from her 1st year & get them framed (i am terrible at doing this as-they-grow. it's more of a one shot deal, once a year for me).
9. have a fun day planned with my girls & their twin cousins
10. purchase the girls' birthday gifts (as i still may be out of it when their birthdays come around in august & september). hurrah! my sister & mom have offered to take on amelia's first birthday party. i will for sure not be able to plan it or bake for it as i wanted to, so they are in charge! hopefully i'll be with it enough to do addy's party.
11. get together with my grandma to tell her about harold...she is not in the loop yet. partly b/c i don't want to tell her over the phone & also partly b/c it's just going to be hard on her.
12. a trip to ikea! ikea always makes my heart smile, lol.
13. oh yea, throw wes a fun birthday on thursday!
14. get addy's allergy blood work done. (she had another bad reaction over the weekend...we need to get this figured out!)
15. wash our windows (they haven't been washed since we moved in 2 years ago!)
16. set up continuous playdates for addy for the summer
17. write down the girls' schedules & try to get the routine solid before other's take over their care for awhile. i'm thinking the best way for them to transition is to have a daily schedule that everyone can stick to. so it's not a total shock & change when mom isn't in charge for awhile. *sniff sniff*
18. spend more time playing with my girls rather then checking items off this list. (ouch, heidi)

so i guess it's more like a top 18? i'm sure by the time i am done with this list, it will be a top 30. or maybe a top 40? lol.

***

amelia has her 9 month well baby check up today. yes, it's about 1 month late, but that's what happens when you try to make the appointment 1 week before her 9th month. slacker mom! on a good note, i'm beginning to think that amelia is not allergic to our dog! she hasn't had the allergy meds for a few days now (b/c they give her diarrhea, poor kiddo) but she also hasn't had the severely itchy eyes & nose that basically doesn't run but jogs (bad joke, lol). so i'm not sure what we'll find out next.

what else? well, adeline is doing excellent at peeing in the potty. she is also a speed stripper! look away (especially if we're outside!?) & then look back at her & suddenly she's naked & sitting/standing in her water table or attempting to go down the slide (yea, doesn't work so well with a nude bottom). i have learned from heather (the recent birthday girl) that her daughter loves to be naked also, which makes me feel much better! it seems her daughter does this inside, though...outside is not the best place to discover your love for nudity...maybe for addy's birthday we will take her to a nudist colony? lol! i think that may be too much anatomy lesson at such a young age, though. *smile*

& addy's first expressive speech delay play group is thursday morning! i am hoping to swap numbers with other parents there to set up independent play dates. wish me luck.

***

thanks to everyone who has been praying for me & my family. i am feeling much more peace about harold & the surgery. i know it's good to cry, but i am so tired of crying! i want to wear my contacts again at some point, ya know. (crying with contacts in is very difficult. then they get all cloudy after the fact, so i have to take them out anyway... etc etc). i never knew i had such a praying group of friends, but it's good to know now.

& now we are off to the library to return a book of mine, pick up another for myself & see how addy's 2nd library trip goes (the first ended in a MASSIVE tantrum, sigh, let's hope that doesn't happen again. i plan to bring plenty of bribery snacks in case she begins to lean that way...).

also, if you have any ideas on books to read while held up in bed for a few weeks, send them along. i just finished 'the bridegroom stories' & am halfway through 'the time traveler's wife' (sooo good!) & today am picking up 'the book thief'. i'm not so much into sci-fi & mostly not into mysteries, although i may take whatever i can get my hands on, as i can get through a 400 page book in one day if i let myself. & well, weeks in bed could = 20 books or more!!! maybe i'll stick to tv show dvds also...

& she almost slipped by...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HEATHER!

this goes out to heather strong. friend of mine, extra-ordinaire!

heather & i met through wes, so she's an engineer as well & she also used to do 'things' in the wings of the air force planes, which i found to be spectacularly cool & amazing. anyway, we found ourselves going the the maze of new motherhood together 2 1/2 years ago, both with girls. it was so wonderful to have someone to chat with about the gross & cute things babies share with us. & now we also both have round two of girl babies. in fact, a few months ago, the oldest girls have become pen pals (since heather lives in idaho) & this has been really neat for them to develop a friendship on some level.

i have always had this ease of conversation with her...she has a way of disarming me, allowing emotions to run free & for me to tell all. heather has also kept in touch with me via phone calls & emails after our move back to ohio. sometimes i sit back & remind myself that she's going through such similar situations as i am & its good to know that i have a friend to send an email to that reads similar to this "is your eldest doing *this* also? are they normal?!" & then she will send back some similar situation & i am able to calm my thoughts about my children.

another very kind gesture heather did for my family: she let wes & my uncle curt stay at her house for a few days in between the moving trucks being loaded & them leaving for the trek cross-country. but this is just typical heather, it seems she will roll with the punches, the everyday life & still be a kind, thoughtful friend. willing to open her house to strangers & friends. sharing a hug or a bible verse or a story & when near her, good food. she knows what to do in a kitchen, folks.

also, for some reason when i think of heather, i think of james taylor songs. maybe the calm? hhmm. anyway! i truly appreciate your friendship, heather. you have been there with hugs & advice & a knowing smile (even if the smile is through email!).

& so life goes on.

my tumor has an official name: harold. not sure why harold, but it seems to just fit. according to name-meaning websites, harold means "army ruler" so maybe this wasn't such a great fit after all. but it's too late, the name has been given. i will now say such things as 'harold & i are going for a walk' or 'harold is giving me a headache today' or 'harold has decided to create very loud ringing in my ear while i'm trying to fall asleep'. no worries, i haven't gone all schizophrenic or multiple personality on you all. it's just one way to not say 'my tumor' or such things. harold is much less scary than tumor, eh?

i have a history of naming things that are not alive. my sister names her indoor plants, & i name objects (well, i named two kids as well). my body pillow is named matilda (i couldn't name a pillow i sleep with a male now b/c then someone may say to me 'how do you sleep with -enter male name- every night?' & that would cause some looks in the wrong circles, so female name it is, which also may cause some looks, now that i think about it...). my car from high school (that wes still drives) is named thelma (from the movie 'thelma & louise', not from my great aunt thelma...i wouldn't want her to think i named such a thing like a car after her!) & so on. i always told thelma that i would drive her across the country & lo & behold, there she was going cross country twice (but she wasn't driven, but was hauled, so sorry thelma).

anyway. i have been noticing the past few days, after reading some more websites & info on all the thing harold could cause, all the symptoms of this harold-esque situation. the past 4 or 5 years of my medical life are making a bit more sense. for awhile i thought myself a hypochondriac b/c of the variety of things that were going wrong in my body. little things, like ringing in the ear, severe headaches that aren't helped by over the counter meds or even migraine meds, dizziness, nausea, vision changes, messing up words, some memory loss (which i had attributed to 'mama brain') etc etc etc. all these things seems a bit more understandable now.

yesterday, i attended a session of 'soaking prayer' at my church. it was 2 hours & a total of 5 people prayed over me for healing & for other things, such as releasing of fear, anxiety, anger, guilt (over me not being able to take care of the girls after the surgery). it was good & i went through an entire box of tissues! i have a talent, snot & tear production. lol. i realized then that i had some anger about this whole tumor situation & it was good to acknowledge that & also just to get prayer & feel jesus crying with me, holding me. that sort of thing. this morning at church, my friend carol & i met out in the lobby/cafe area & she prayed for me & again i felt jesus with me. not that i don't feel god is with me now, as i'm sitting here typing, but these prayer moments are more intense-jesus meetings, ya know? so these things are good, so keep praying.

i have also realized that humor is good for me during this time. my uncle eric gave me the first 'pun' on the phone the other day: he said he wanted to 'pick my brain' about this post-secondary option for my cousin. it was good to laugh about it & i'm still chuckling about it when i think about that pun b/c it's just perfect! then i'm also realizing what a bomb i have to drop on strangers & even friends. say to someone "i have a brain tumor" & instantly i can hear the voice change, the face turn to shock/sorrow/etc. so i must be careful how & when i say anything about it. i for sure don't want to use it as a crutch, but, hey it worked once for me already. i was on the phone with my family doctor's receptionist, trying to get an appointment to get some meds to help me calm down (ya know, anxiety meds!) & it went like this:

me: i would like an appointment today with dr. briones to talk about getting some medication.

receptionist: i'm sorry, we only have appointments with nurse practitioners available today.

me: i need to see a dr b/c i'm needing anti-anxiety meds.

receptionist: i'm sorry, we only have available appointments with a nurse practitioner.

me: hhm, i would like an appointment today, i am really needing to see a dr about this anxiety problem.

receptionist: well, we have a 10:15 with a nurse practitioner, maybe she could speak with you about other possibilities for treatment.

me: i was just diagnosed with a brain tumor on wednesday. i am not coping well, i need to see dr briones today.

receptionist: oh, okay, give me a second. *pause* we have a 2:30 that we can squeeze you into to see dr briones. is that okay?

me: yea, that's great, thank you.

then there was me trying to explain to the westerville special-needs-preschool director why i may not be the one to take addy to the evaluations & such in late august. i tried to simply let it be that i was having some medical problems & may not be the one to drive her & take her, etc. she was like 'oh you just need to be present & i'm sure by august you'll be feeling better' (i had told her i was having a surgery in late july). & we went back & forth a few times about this & she kept insisting that i could be there & finally i was like 'well, i'm having brain surgery. my recovery could last 8 weeks. i need to know what steps to take that will allow other people to drop off or pick up or act as guardian if necessary for these evaluations & meetings.' the tone immediately changes. which sorta sucks.

some folks/friends have asked if this is something i am keeping private. my answer: nope! tell away. in fact, that's almost easier on me b/c then i'm not the one who has to go through the whole question & answer routine. *smile* i appreciate that people are caring & curious & genuinely want to help & i am very grateful for that! i am holding onto the line of thinking that the more people who know about it, the more people are praying, the more people understand if they see me & i look a bit like a puffed up form of myself (from crying).

there were some other things i had to say... but amelia is up from her nap & we are off to my brother-in-law's grad school graduation party (congrats cal!). this weekend has been busy, but i think that's better for me at this point. wednesday through friday, i sorta just wanted to hunker down in my house. but i just kept crying & crying. so yesterday & today we weren't home much & i cried & worried less (except for the soaking prayer, that for sure had *muy* crying). but i think i'm going to get through the initial shock of recognizing that harold is taking up a space in my skull, work through the terror of the impending surgery & risks of the surgery & move on to realizing that i am lucky to be living in a time when i can be healed from harold (*smile*, you know you like the name harold!). (of course, i believe god can & has always had the power to heal & i know that if he chooses, i can be healed of this. i have heard many stories of similar healing from major medical conditions. but i am also trusting that god gives us surgeons & modern medicine & a brain to understand all this...that is also a version of healing, eh?).

so yes, we are off to do normal life things that don't revolve around harold & that is good.