.jpg)
this is just going to be a very honest post. are you bracing yourself? *wink*
so i'm just not sure how to react or explain or *whatever* about this whole brain tumor/brain surgery situation. part of me wants to downplay it, you know--oh it's not that big of a deal, it's the best type of brain tumor to get, i'm doing fine, etc, etc. or do i let it all go & say that yes, the side effects of the surgery are very irritating & make me self-conscious (more than i was as a teenager!) & i feel like frankenstein when out in public, & i still cry a bit when i think about the surgery, etc etc. i for sure am not into getting 'pity'...so i'm trying to avoid people feeling sorry for me, but i want to be honest enough to say 'no this wasn't the easiest experience ever'.
yet, i am amazingly *thankful* for the team of doctors that helped me through this. AND for the SHOCKING amount of prayer support & cards & meals & email & facebook encouragements. it brings me to my knees when i actually *sit* down & think about the scope of people who are praying for my recovery & prayed over the surgeons & the operation in general. i can now attest that god is working now & i want to continually throw myself down & thank HIM for how well the surgery went, for the team of surgeons & nurses, & for my (so far!) steadfast healing.
my last few days in the hospital i was in the 'burn recovery unit' & while i was up, wearing my own pj's & walking around holding desperately onto wes' arm for stability, i saw so much pain in other rooms... it's hard not to downplay this surgery & recovery, b/c, well i AM recovering amazingly fast. when i think '11 days ago i had brain surgery'...that thought sounds almost silly. as if i should be lying in a bed drooling with some ginormous head turban on babbling about something that makes no sense. but instead, this morning i went to a farmer's market, yesterday i walked the 1/3 mile & back to the neighborhood park (resting throughout) & am nearly off my heavy-duty painkiller meds. it seems a bit ridiculous to complain a bit about half my face being numb, about the loud ringing in my ear, how i sorta look like a toddler when i walk, the head rushes when i go from sitting to standing, THE FACT THAT I CAN'T PICK UP OR HOLD AMELIA OR ADELINE FOR 2 MORE WEEKS (that last one is the saddest one of all...i mean, i won't be able to hold my baby millie during her birthday party! *SNIFF SNIFF*).
i guess what i'm getting to is what is that balance between being to-the-moon-thankful to be alive & thankful that i live in a time when this surgery is done with such minor side effects (100 & even 80 years ago, i most likely would've died during the operation) & yet also allowing myself to grieve & be sad for the side effects & restrictions? it's very helpful to have my parents around b/c they have been through several knee replacements surgeries (my dad) & then also my dad's diverticulitis/osis & partial colon-removal surgery & then my mom's ongoing problem with her thyroid...they just seem to have a lot of wisdom about all the ups & downs with pre & post-op.
i'm just hoping, praying, wishing that by this time next week i will be recovering at the same clip that i am right now. maybe i be able to move my head from side to side without telling my muscles to do it. maybe i will be able to walk without worry that i'm going to lean to the right & nearly fall over or trip over a stupid little twig or crack in the sidewalk. just like when i was pregnant, i feel that i am even more thankful when my body is healthy & thriving.
and folks, tomorrow i have the green light to wash my hair & take a SHOWER! (my incision line is too far down on my neck to cover it with the gauze & plastic wrap, so i was just told to do washcloth baths...which *SUCK* in case you are wondering). soooo, tomorrow in the a.m. i will be gleefully washing my hair (gingerly around the incision & buzzed hair part, yes) & this week i am getting a hair cut/style so my hair doesn't look totally lopsided b/c one side has about 3 more inches on the other incision side that was buzzed. i dunno what i'm going to do, what style to pick. can't be a pixie b/c my buzzed section still looks a bit like a thick beard & the incision REALLY is visible (damn blond hair)...any suggestions?
***
in other news, the girls are doing great. adeline is now a dancing, prancing, fiend & runs around our house shouting things like 'MA-MA!' or some other sort of exciting thing she's thinking about. she is now deciding to usually put underwear on instead of going around the house naked from the waist down (see, we are improving on nearly every front). she asked me the other day to show her how to write an M. i tried, but didn't succeed like gma sue was able to. & adeline is all over me with hugs & love pats & 'oohhhhs' when she spies my incision (we explained to her about me going to the hospital for my ear & that i now have an owwwiiiee, so she knows i am not my old self at this point). she's really into holding my hand & that is so sweet, let me tell ya.
amelia is ... well, just watch an episode of curious george & that's pretty much her. she's curious about everything & even though she's teething, she is still pretty happy-go-lucky & smiling. i am soo sad that i can't hold her (she's in a hold & walk with me stage with teething right now). i miss snuggling with her more than i care to admit right now. she's a climbing fool & loves to speed crawl to show off every time the stair gate is opened...currently, she can get to an open stair gate faster than i can, sad to report, lol.
wes had a *tough* week at work. his office is moving from the polaris area to delaware, ohio (oh, 25 minutes away) & him & 4 other guys were the movers. needless to say, he's very sore right now. plus, the entire new company (they used to be employed by weyerhauser & now the new company is called 'redbuilt') anyway, all the workers got a 10% pay cut to keep the new company afloat. which sucks b/c he also just got promoted to some title of head/lead/manager for engineering. it's not like we're all tangled up & in love with money, buuuttt, we are a 1 income family already on a tight budget. *smile*, now an even tighter budget, lol. we'll make it, though! you've never met a mind like wes' when it comes to saving money & making things out of nothing. he's the only person i know who somehow gets a promotion while the company is downsizing. that sort of thing. i can't wait for our first date out when i'm feeling up to it.
lunch is ready, time to eat (& yes, i'm very thankful i don't have to make it...gotta love my parents).
so i'm just not sure how to react or explain or *whatever* about this whole brain tumor/brain surgery situation. part of me wants to downplay it, you know--oh it's not that big of a deal, it's the best type of brain tumor to get, i'm doing fine, etc, etc. or do i let it all go & say that yes, the side effects of the surgery are very irritating & make me self-conscious (more than i was as a teenager!) & i feel like frankenstein when out in public, & i still cry a bit when i think about the surgery, etc etc. i for sure am not into getting 'pity'...so i'm trying to avoid people feeling sorry for me, but i want to be honest enough to say 'no this wasn't the easiest experience ever'.
yet, i am amazingly *thankful* for the team of doctors that helped me through this. AND for the SHOCKING amount of prayer support & cards & meals & email & facebook encouragements. it brings me to my knees when i actually *sit* down & think about the scope of people who are praying for my recovery & prayed over the surgeons & the operation in general. i can now attest that god is working now & i want to continually throw myself down & thank HIM for how well the surgery went, for the team of surgeons & nurses, & for my (so far!) steadfast healing.
my last few days in the hospital i was in the 'burn recovery unit' & while i was up, wearing my own pj's & walking around holding desperately onto wes' arm for stability, i saw so much pain in other rooms... it's hard not to downplay this surgery & recovery, b/c, well i AM recovering amazingly fast. when i think '11 days ago i had brain surgery'...that thought sounds almost silly. as if i should be lying in a bed drooling with some ginormous head turban on babbling about something that makes no sense. but instead, this morning i went to a farmer's market, yesterday i walked the 1/3 mile & back to the neighborhood park (resting throughout) & am nearly off my heavy-duty painkiller meds. it seems a bit ridiculous to complain a bit about half my face being numb, about the loud ringing in my ear, how i sorta look like a toddler when i walk, the head rushes when i go from sitting to standing, THE FACT THAT I CAN'T PICK UP OR HOLD AMELIA OR ADELINE FOR 2 MORE WEEKS (that last one is the saddest one of all...i mean, i won't be able to hold my baby millie during her birthday party! *SNIFF SNIFF*).
i guess what i'm getting to is what is that balance between being to-the-moon-thankful to be alive & thankful that i live in a time when this surgery is done with such minor side effects (100 & even 80 years ago, i most likely would've died during the operation) & yet also allowing myself to grieve & be sad for the side effects & restrictions? it's very helpful to have my parents around b/c they have been through several knee replacements surgeries (my dad) & then also my dad's diverticulitis/osis & partial colon-removal surgery & then my mom's ongoing problem with her thyroid...they just seem to have a lot of wisdom about all the ups & downs with pre & post-op.
i'm just hoping, praying, wishing that by this time next week i will be recovering at the same clip that i am right now. maybe i be able to move my head from side to side without telling my muscles to do it. maybe i will be able to walk without worry that i'm going to lean to the right & nearly fall over or trip over a stupid little twig or crack in the sidewalk. just like when i was pregnant, i feel that i am even more thankful when my body is healthy & thriving.
and folks, tomorrow i have the green light to wash my hair & take a SHOWER! (my incision line is too far down on my neck to cover it with the gauze & plastic wrap, so i was just told to do washcloth baths...which *SUCK* in case you are wondering). soooo, tomorrow in the a.m. i will be gleefully washing my hair (gingerly around the incision & buzzed hair part, yes) & this week i am getting a hair cut/style so my hair doesn't look totally lopsided b/c one side has about 3 more inches on the other incision side that was buzzed. i dunno what i'm going to do, what style to pick. can't be a pixie b/c my buzzed section still looks a bit like a thick beard & the incision REALLY is visible (damn blond hair)...any suggestions?
***
in other news, the girls are doing great. adeline is now a dancing, prancing, fiend & runs around our house shouting things like 'MA-MA!' or some other sort of exciting thing she's thinking about. she is now deciding to usually put underwear on instead of going around the house naked from the waist down (see, we are improving on nearly every front). she asked me the other day to show her how to write an M. i tried, but didn't succeed like gma sue was able to. & adeline is all over me with hugs & love pats & 'oohhhhs' when she spies my incision (we explained to her about me going to the hospital for my ear & that i now have an owwwiiiee, so she knows i am not my old self at this point). she's really into holding my hand & that is so sweet, let me tell ya.
amelia is ... well, just watch an episode of curious george & that's pretty much her. she's curious about everything & even though she's teething, she is still pretty happy-go-lucky & smiling. i am soo sad that i can't hold her (she's in a hold & walk with me stage with teething right now). i miss snuggling with her more than i care to admit right now. she's a climbing fool & loves to speed crawl to show off every time the stair gate is opened...currently, she can get to an open stair gate faster than i can, sad to report, lol.
wes had a *tough* week at work. his office is moving from the polaris area to delaware, ohio (oh, 25 minutes away) & him & 4 other guys were the movers. needless to say, he's very sore right now. plus, the entire new company (they used to be employed by weyerhauser & now the new company is called 'redbuilt') anyway, all the workers got a 10% pay cut to keep the new company afloat. which sucks b/c he also just got promoted to some title of head/lead/manager for engineering. it's not like we're all tangled up & in love with money, buuuttt, we are a 1 income family already on a tight budget. *smile*, now an even tighter budget, lol. we'll make it, though! you've never met a mind like wes' when it comes to saving money & making things out of nothing. he's the only person i know who somehow gets a promotion while the company is downsizing. that sort of thing. i can't wait for our first date out when i'm feeling up to it.
lunch is ready, time to eat (& yes, i'm very thankful i don't have to make it...gotta love my parents).
1 comment:
I don't see why you can't hold and snuggle your kids on your lap. Go for it! Especially during the birthday celebration! Remember your kids won't remember or be forever affected by the fact that you couldn't carry them around for a month or two. Seriously--they won't even remember it! So stop worrying!
Post a Comment