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this morning, when i woke up i made a choice that today was for the two double a batteries, as my mom has nicknamed adeline & amelia. i would do whatever with them & have fun & sit on the floor or on they were leading me to do. adeline got to watch curious george before eating her breakfast & for her snack, we made a cereal-snack necklace (which she ate in a matter of 90 seconds, oh my goodness folks). amelia went down for a morning nap for the first time since last saturday! seriously, no joke...it's been a rough week to say the least.
then adeline & i did the *great missing puzzle piece search* & we found all the pieces that have been missing for the past few weeks (AHA: the 'h' was hidden under a side table) then we put all the puzzles together. we did laundry, etc & once amelia woke up, played in the playroom. lunch went well & everyone was pleased with daddy's grilled hot dogs even though all our bread & buns were moldy (how does that happen when we JUST bought them?!)...btw: we didn't eat the moldy bread. we ate the hot dogs a la atkins diet.
after wes left i promised adeline a walk around the neighborhood...she directed me towards the park, naturally. amelia started to cry along the way; then she started to belt it out, crying, crying, crying. i took her out & let her sit on the steering bars of the stroller. she was happy. at the park, things took a big turn for the worse. amelia's nose is running non stop & then her eye starts to swell shut!
what.is.going.on.???
we make it home, call the ped & speak with a nurse. long story short, it's probably her allergies again. the allergies we thought she had, then didn't think she had, so stopped her meds a few months ago, & now again it's happening. all over. thanks dr sotos from wednesday's appointment when i mentioned that something is amiss in amelia. (that was filled with sarcastic anger, in case you didn't catch that). did you even take the time to read her chart (b/c our usual ped is on vacation). oh wonderful dr sotos, you could have picked up up on this one had you cared to take the time.
for the past 90 minutes i have yet again been wrestling with a baby, trying my hardest to get her to sleep. b/c she's exhausted & on ibuprofen & benedryl (per nurse recommendations) & her eyes are all red & her nose won't stop running continuous snot into ther mouth. instead amelia fights me & is kicking & flailing her head & arms every which way. i finally get her to sleep & adeline walks in talking loudly & wakes amelia up.
I GIVE UP. i am admitting defeat today; i feel trampled on & worn down from everything going on. i don't have the energy to even know what else to do for amelia. yea i took an anxiety pill awhile ago & here i am, still losing it. i just keep wondering if it's asking too much of god to intervene & at least heal amelia's allergies or virus or whatever the hell is going on with her. that bullshit line of 'god only gives you what you can handle'...well, that's what it is, bullshit. b/c right now, this week, i am way over my head of what i can handle. beyond it, to the moon, as adeline would say.
i have never doubted in god before. i've strayed away, all the while knowing he was there, with me, helping & guiding me & shielding me from the terrible blows. but not this week, i am just admitting that i feel totally alone. i hear from nearly everyone that they are praying for me & here i am, when i need to feel god most, i feel nothing but anxiety & sadness & overwhelmed with the stress of a pending *huge* surgery & sick kids with asses for pediatricians. i don't know exactly what i'm saying here about god & all, but what i am asking for is *more* whatever that means b/c my choice to have a good day has totally been over-ridden with more illness & confusion & frustration to the point where choosing to have a calmness about me is beyond my control.
so yea. what.the.hell.is.going.on. it's not like i'm job or something. right, god, right?
then adeline & i did the *great missing puzzle piece search* & we found all the pieces that have been missing for the past few weeks (AHA: the 'h' was hidden under a side table) then we put all the puzzles together. we did laundry, etc & once amelia woke up, played in the playroom. lunch went well & everyone was pleased with daddy's grilled hot dogs even though all our bread & buns were moldy (how does that happen when we JUST bought them?!)...btw: we didn't eat the moldy bread. we ate the hot dogs a la atkins diet.
after wes left i promised adeline a walk around the neighborhood...she directed me towards the park, naturally. amelia started to cry along the way; then she started to belt it out, crying, crying, crying. i took her out & let her sit on the steering bars of the stroller. she was happy. at the park, things took a big turn for the worse. amelia's nose is running non stop & then her eye starts to swell shut!
what.is.going.on.???
we make it home, call the ped & speak with a nurse. long story short, it's probably her allergies again. the allergies we thought she had, then didn't think she had, so stopped her meds a few months ago, & now again it's happening. all over. thanks dr sotos from wednesday's appointment when i mentioned that something is amiss in amelia. (that was filled with sarcastic anger, in case you didn't catch that). did you even take the time to read her chart (b/c our usual ped is on vacation). oh wonderful dr sotos, you could have picked up up on this one had you cared to take the time.
for the past 90 minutes i have yet again been wrestling with a baby, trying my hardest to get her to sleep. b/c she's exhausted & on ibuprofen & benedryl (per nurse recommendations) & her eyes are all red & her nose won't stop running continuous snot into ther mouth. instead amelia fights me & is kicking & flailing her head & arms every which way. i finally get her to sleep & adeline walks in talking loudly & wakes amelia up.
I GIVE UP. i am admitting defeat today; i feel trampled on & worn down from everything going on. i don't have the energy to even know what else to do for amelia. yea i took an anxiety pill awhile ago & here i am, still losing it. i just keep wondering if it's asking too much of god to intervene & at least heal amelia's allergies or virus or whatever the hell is going on with her. that bullshit line of 'god only gives you what you can handle'...well, that's what it is, bullshit. b/c right now, this week, i am way over my head of what i can handle. beyond it, to the moon, as adeline would say.
i have never doubted in god before. i've strayed away, all the while knowing he was there, with me, helping & guiding me & shielding me from the terrible blows. but not this week, i am just admitting that i feel totally alone. i hear from nearly everyone that they are praying for me & here i am, when i need to feel god most, i feel nothing but anxiety & sadness & overwhelmed with the stress of a pending *huge* surgery & sick kids with asses for pediatricians. i don't know exactly what i'm saying here about god & all, but what i am asking for is *more* whatever that means b/c my choice to have a good day has totally been over-ridden with more illness & confusion & frustration to the point where choosing to have a calmness about me is beyond my control.
so yea. what.the.hell.is.going.on. it's not like i'm job or something. right, god, right?
3 comments:
You might feel a mess, but you ARE handling it. You are taking care of your girls. It's OK to feel alone and angry and frustrated. Sometimes handling it takes the adrenaline and force of those emotions, you know? You need them to power through, I think.
Sending good thoughts your way ...
Don't forget what part of your brain is getting a lot of pressure -- it's not enough you have to go through this, but also that you have to have pressure on the one part of your brain that you need for some sort of stability now.... To deal with that along with dealing with sickness, etc, could drive you to the brink... and yeah, I wonder about pediatricians also....
But know this, He made us, and He made anger, and anger given direction is a fabulous force. It's ok to be angry with where you are at. It's ok to know that this is not perfect, and when even hoping for sub-perfection (like today) seems to get annihilated, it's easy to feel unloved or unprotected by God.
Realize, you may be going through the most difficult part of your life at this moment -- most people don't face something like this until much later. But to have the "life rug" pulled out from under you, and then still find yourself standing, is something miraculous in itself.
And in case you wonder, I think God would count you as one still standing......
wha? Eyes swelling shut!! Poor Amelia :(
Heids, your mom is full of wisdom once again. You are holding up pretty darn well consiering all of the things hitting you right now.
And I agree with you on that whole God only gives you what you can handle line. And that is supposed to make you feel all warm and fuzzy? It still sucks no matter what.
God, Intervene. Show your power. Show your love. Have Mercy on this family.
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