& so life goes on.

my tumor has an official name: harold. not sure why harold, but it seems to just fit. according to name-meaning websites, harold means "army ruler" so maybe this wasn't such a great fit after all. but it's too late, the name has been given. i will now say such things as 'harold & i are going for a walk' or 'harold is giving me a headache today' or 'harold has decided to create very loud ringing in my ear while i'm trying to fall asleep'. no worries, i haven't gone all schizophrenic or multiple personality on you all. it's just one way to not say 'my tumor' or such things. harold is much less scary than tumor, eh?

i have a history of naming things that are not alive. my sister names her indoor plants, & i name objects (well, i named two kids as well). my body pillow is named matilda (i couldn't name a pillow i sleep with a male now b/c then someone may say to me 'how do you sleep with -enter male name- every night?' & that would cause some looks in the wrong circles, so female name it is, which also may cause some looks, now that i think about it...). my car from high school (that wes still drives) is named thelma (from the movie 'thelma & louise', not from my great aunt thelma...i wouldn't want her to think i named such a thing like a car after her!) & so on. i always told thelma that i would drive her across the country & lo & behold, there she was going cross country twice (but she wasn't driven, but was hauled, so sorry thelma).

anyway. i have been noticing the past few days, after reading some more websites & info on all the thing harold could cause, all the symptoms of this harold-esque situation. the past 4 or 5 years of my medical life are making a bit more sense. for awhile i thought myself a hypochondriac b/c of the variety of things that were going wrong in my body. little things, like ringing in the ear, severe headaches that aren't helped by over the counter meds or even migraine meds, dizziness, nausea, vision changes, messing up words, some memory loss (which i had attributed to 'mama brain') etc etc etc. all these things seems a bit more understandable now.

yesterday, i attended a session of 'soaking prayer' at my church. it was 2 hours & a total of 5 people prayed over me for healing & for other things, such as releasing of fear, anxiety, anger, guilt (over me not being able to take care of the girls after the surgery). it was good & i went through an entire box of tissues! i have a talent, snot & tear production. lol. i realized then that i had some anger about this whole tumor situation & it was good to acknowledge that & also just to get prayer & feel jesus crying with me, holding me. that sort of thing. this morning at church, my friend carol & i met out in the lobby/cafe area & she prayed for me & again i felt jesus with me. not that i don't feel god is with me now, as i'm sitting here typing, but these prayer moments are more intense-jesus meetings, ya know? so these things are good, so keep praying.

i have also realized that humor is good for me during this time. my uncle eric gave me the first 'pun' on the phone the other day: he said he wanted to 'pick my brain' about this post-secondary option for my cousin. it was good to laugh about it & i'm still chuckling about it when i think about that pun b/c it's just perfect! then i'm also realizing what a bomb i have to drop on strangers & even friends. say to someone "i have a brain tumor" & instantly i can hear the voice change, the face turn to shock/sorrow/etc. so i must be careful how & when i say anything about it. i for sure don't want to use it as a crutch, but, hey it worked once for me already. i was on the phone with my family doctor's receptionist, trying to get an appointment to get some meds to help me calm down (ya know, anxiety meds!) & it went like this:

me: i would like an appointment today with dr. briones to talk about getting some medication.

receptionist: i'm sorry, we only have appointments with nurse practitioners available today.

me: i need to see a dr b/c i'm needing anti-anxiety meds.

receptionist: i'm sorry, we only have available appointments with a nurse practitioner.

me: hhm, i would like an appointment today, i am really needing to see a dr about this anxiety problem.

receptionist: well, we have a 10:15 with a nurse practitioner, maybe she could speak with you about other possibilities for treatment.

me: i was just diagnosed with a brain tumor on wednesday. i am not coping well, i need to see dr briones today.

receptionist: oh, okay, give me a second. *pause* we have a 2:30 that we can squeeze you into to see dr briones. is that okay?

me: yea, that's great, thank you.

then there was me trying to explain to the westerville special-needs-preschool director why i may not be the one to take addy to the evaluations & such in late august. i tried to simply let it be that i was having some medical problems & may not be the one to drive her & take her, etc. she was like 'oh you just need to be present & i'm sure by august you'll be feeling better' (i had told her i was having a surgery in late july). & we went back & forth a few times about this & she kept insisting that i could be there & finally i was like 'well, i'm having brain surgery. my recovery could last 8 weeks. i need to know what steps to take that will allow other people to drop off or pick up or act as guardian if necessary for these evaluations & meetings.' the tone immediately changes. which sorta sucks.

some folks/friends have asked if this is something i am keeping private. my answer: nope! tell away. in fact, that's almost easier on me b/c then i'm not the one who has to go through the whole question & answer routine. *smile* i appreciate that people are caring & curious & genuinely want to help & i am very grateful for that! i am holding onto the line of thinking that the more people who know about it, the more people are praying, the more people understand if they see me & i look a bit like a puffed up form of myself (from crying).

there were some other things i had to say... but amelia is up from her nap & we are off to my brother-in-law's grad school graduation party (congrats cal!). this weekend has been busy, but i think that's better for me at this point. wednesday through friday, i sorta just wanted to hunker down in my house. but i just kept crying & crying. so yesterday & today we weren't home much & i cried & worried less (except for the soaking prayer, that for sure had *muy* crying). but i think i'm going to get through the initial shock of recognizing that harold is taking up a space in my skull, work through the terror of the impending surgery & risks of the surgery & move on to realizing that i am lucky to be living in a time when i can be healed from harold (*smile*, you know you like the name harold!). (of course, i believe god can & has always had the power to heal & i know that if he chooses, i can be healed of this. i have heard many stories of similar healing from major medical conditions. but i am also trusting that god gives us surgeons & modern medicine & a brain to understand all this...that is also a version of healing, eh?).

so yes, we are off to do normal life things that don't revolve around harold & that is good.