waiting on a baby to fall asleep

i am starting this post during the time amelia should be sleeping & i should be taking a shower (post gym showering is very necessary, but sometimes unattainable...yes, egads!).

for the past ten years i have been striving towards finding a happy medium between being a passive & extreme person...this has been much more difficult than i could have anticipated. by my nature i am a very, oh, aggressive person, which is interesting b/c i'm also very sensitive & shy. go figure. so, it takes a while of getting to know me to see the aggressive side. i have had to step back from several things (politics, women's rights) on my way to being in that middle road, lest i become so extreme that i turn others away. i'm in no way desiring to be passive...i actually think being passive is another way of letting the world go on around you, being disengaged (& i don't think that's what god has called us to be).

anyway, the closer you get to me, the more likely you are to see this desire to be "involved". first it was my parents...oh how they love me for getting through my teenage years & still call themselves my parents! i know i seem calm & quiet & all, but ask my family & you will hear something completely different (my family nickname is "feisty"). then my dear sister & friend christine saw my desire to fight the system. then my husband. chances are, most of my closer friends & family have seen this...but most recently my dear dear friend, judy has been introduced to this side of me... the 'call to arms' heidi who wants to bring down whatever is holding down others.

do i think it's a bad thing? no, not really. do i need to keep it in check? yes.

funny thing is, what i spouted off to judy was nothing in comparison to what i'm capable of...somehow i've learned to argue & rant & get so entangled in something...judy was maybe caught off-guard? unbeknownst? anyway, she is a dear friend & i hope she realizes that in this weird way, b/c i felt comfortable with her enough to do a mini rant over the phone that this means i trust her even more than ever?? anyway, judy, sorry you are tangled up in this b/c you are such a kind & soft person....again, it's the theory that has me in a tizzy. i'm just tired of groups pointing fingers to everyone else about this global warming stuff. you posting a video that someone else would enjoy? not a problem? what i think of the video? hhmm, maybe my problem.

so, what am i so upset about? it involves changing the global living situation & sorta seems to place blame on urban sprawl & suburbs & cul-du-sacs. & yea, i live in the suburbs, at the end of a cul-du-sac. but i grew up in a very rural area & have also lived in the city of columbus (which, really, is it that much of an urban city compared to larger cities??). since moving back to columbus i keep hearing chatter about how the suburbs are filled with people who just don't care about the environment & global issues & community & each other. but i have found it to be the exact opposite...& that fact infuriates me! that blame is being placed where it shouldn't be, that assumptions & stereotypes & biases are being created & pushed; but they are false.

i have never lived around a group of people who truly seem to care for each other as i do right now. my neighbors can be trusted to watch over our house or take care of our dog or lend a hand with yard work or moving...i could go on & on. they are kind. our immediate neighbors bike to work, nearly everyone has a vegetable garden. people walk to parks. & we gerbickians, living smack-dab in the middle of westerville-suburbia, are trying our darndest to take care of the environment & make it a more beautiful, healthy place for our kids & future generations. god does call us to be stewards of the earth! & we want to do that in addition to helping the poor/hungry/weak/lost/hurt/etc.

it just seems to me that according to some environmentalists, it is never enough to just be doing your best. now it appears that b/c i live in the suburbs, in a subdivision that has cul-du-sacs where folks can't walk to a store or work, that we're doing more harm than good, that we are the cause of the ills in the environment. i understand why some people say 'to hell with it' about recycling & such. b/c it's never enough according to some, we are always doing something wrong.

i know why this has upset me so much: b/c i am being proactive about the environment, i want to do everything i can to reduce my impact & now it seems futile & my house & family are being shown to be the 'problem'. & that hurts (enter the ***sensitive*** part of me here). every movement has its setbacks & i have to say that the environmental movement seems to have this pedestal & wagging finger & yikes, i am frustrated with that. i don't want to be part of something that is blaming people & lifestyles. i want to be part of something that encourages & meets people where they are in life & home.

yea, this urban living ideal sounds great! walk to the store/park/work/communal gardens. i love that, i love the thought & vision...but do you have to also in the same breath criticize others? stereotype others? blame others?

doi, i think i need a shower.