points

this past week i finally found my favorite holiday music disc, sarah mclachlin's wintersong. for the past 3 years i listen to this disc in the car *non stop* like a test lab rat or something: get in the car, push disc #, adjust the song, sing along, feel a bit more peaceful than before getting in the car. there's just something about some christmas music that gets to me & i love it. i'm not such a fan of songs about anything santa (probably b/c i grew up knowing santa's not real & wondering what the heck other kids were getting all worked up about), i like the songs about the birth of christ. oh, & of course, baby it's cold outside. i think i just like the back & forth of the man & woman's voices (not necessarily the lyrics of a much older dude trying to seduce a younger woman, kinda yuck, eh?). so now you know, if you see me in the car anytime in the month of december & i have this weird look on my face & i'm singing & brushing away tears (yes! *tears!*), it's b/c i am listening to one of these songs.

another heidi thought? well, we have had these very large & intimidating spiders in our basement since we moved in. they also have a nest that i am continuously destroying behind our mailbox. seriously, i kill about one spider a week during warmer months. i am really not afraid of spiders but when one this large suddenly appears out of the blue, i usually give a good shout before i hack it to death. yes, so these spiders have been in our basement in the winter...most often mixed in with the dirty laundry pile or in the laundry sink. BUT, my friends, there hasn't been a spider in quite awhile... months, in fact. i am still a bit on edge when sorting laundry b/c more than once a spider has landed on me & i've had to brush it off quickly.

THEN. last night i was at a cookie exchange party (oh my, i freakin baked 11 dozen cookies yesterday. not intentionally...i really super duper suck at math. so, for everyone's benefit: 1 cup of butter does *not* equal one pound of butter. DOI. my mistake made for a very large amount of dough...) so i was at this party & a friend mentioned that the host needs a snake to take care of her gerbil problem. besides me jumping out of my skin thinking of the crawford's owning a snake (our friendship would nearly end, btw, sorry to say) it hit me: snakes eat spider. lots of spiders. enough spiders to make a spider problem disappear suddenly. i think i kept my cool pretty good for the next few minutes as i thought about this potential...

...until this morning while i was sorting laundry. i was a mess, every clothing item was picked up by my fingers, holding it out like it had anthrax on it, shaking it a bit. i did not see a spider or a snake, but my guard is way way way the hell up, folks. what else would make a spider problem go away so abruptly?!

***

so you already know that i was doing laundry this morning *sigh moan hiss boo*. but this past week i have made it a goal to not only teach amelia that the computer is not her toy (obvious fail b/c i didn't even blog this week & was on the computer for maybe a total of 5 minutes all week), but also to teach adeline that i am not going to cook according to the ebb & flow of her changing taste buds (aka, addy's refusing to eat most anything these days, except cereal, oatmeal, grapes, & anything with the biggest ingredient made of sugar), AND--yes, THIRD goal here, hold onto your britches--that amelia & adeline would learn to play together, alone while i do some things (oh, like laundry, leisurely reading & drinking alcohol mixes mid-day {kidding, lol folks}, dishes, etc).

today i go downstairs to sort laundry & start a load. which took forever b/c you know i was picking at each piece, eyeing it suspiciously, waiting for a snake to slither out. so i was gone for about 15 minutes, most of which i could hear them playing one floor up. then i noticed, snapping out of my snake-fear reverie that it was very eerily quiet upstairs. i quickly finished up & ran up the stairs...to find adeline watching calliou. yes! score 1 for mom. then i smell coffee & look over to see amelia *covered* in coffee, sitting on top of our computer desk pulling all the files out, flinging papers everywhere. oh, also the christmas cards that were nicely stacked & sorted, waiting for signatures...all over the place. (really, don't expect that card any time soon). score 1, amelia.

but b/c i am trying my hardest not to let stressful situations stress me out (which leads to an untimely release of stress hormones, which are creating havoc in my body)...i just laughed & started to clean it up.

no such luck at controlling the stress hormones wednesday, however. first of all, i broke one of my own parenting rules: don't take two kids to a store, any store, ever. i was planning on baking the cookies for the exchange that evening & needed a few ingredients. on the drive to the grocery i talked with adeline about not being able to ride in the big car cart b/c we had amelia with us. she was all 'okay mommy, baby millie with me, no car!' sweet child of mine, right?! WRONG. we get into the store, i start putting away coats & such into the cart & adeline just stands there & starts sobbing. i get down to her thinking she just suddenly hit her head on something...did i miss something?! & she just starts screaming: RED CAR RED CAR RED CAR RED CAR. & then starts to fling her body around, nearly giving herself that crack on the head. i was still calm then & tried to talk her out of it, mentioning all the reasons & how quick this trip was going to be, etc etc. but she just got louder & louder until everyone coming in & out of kroger were staring me down.

now, if you've ever worked in a job where you are a, say, social worker who has some sort of ability to determine if & when kids should return to their parents after being removed from their home...or maybe a job where your title was "psycho-social-rehabilitator" & the job description included helping kids manage anger...well, i'm sure you also have this latent fear that you will one day end up on the front page of the newspaper b/c of poor parenting skills & choices. this was one of those times when i had to keep telling myself don't' do anything stupid. newspaper, front page: social worker hurts her children in front of all kroger customers in worthington store. so i plop adeline in the large part of the cart, attempting to just quickly grab the 3 things i needed. but she starts to flip out in the cart, kicking it & screaming.

i hit the wall anger, then i sky rocketed through the anger ceiling & i think i probably looked like the devil. i whirled the cart around & started speaking very low & sternly to adeline & marched out of the store, through the entrance (which is a big no-no in this store). people were seriously staring me down. i swear some lady flipped me off as i pushed my cart passed her going again through the entrance. when we got to the car, with adeline in full scream i somehow managed to get her into her car seat & buckle her in under 5 seconds.

it was just one of those moments when i had been so hopeful that it would go well & then was devastated by my lack of being able to do anything. if amelia had not been with me afterwards at home & i would've been able to get on the computer...i would have applied for probably 30 jobs that afternoon (adeline was sent to her room & told to come out only when she had a smile on her face). not that parents who work don't have to deal with this stuff, but i just wanted to get away & day care sounded like a very viable option...but then there's most days & i'm glad to be home with them. on the way home after i was finished telling adeline exactly what the problem is with her behavior, silent night came on (of course, the sarah mclachlan version) & i just started sobbing. probably b/c my behavior to her was just as ugly & vicious as hers had been in the store. maybe also b/c i am very weary of living in the city (even if we're in the 'burbs) & sitting in traffic ALL.THE.TIME. or b/c i'm on some crazy medications & my body doesn't produce the right amount of stress hormones at the right time. anyway, *ugh* i hate those moments when i am behaving just as poorly as my preschooler. minus 5 for mom. and minus 1 for adeline.

***

one more story (these uber long posts are what happens when i only get to type the day's events once or twice a week). this is a score 3 for mom, btw.

tuesday addy said she wanted macaroni & cheese for lunch. somehow we were out of boxed mac n cheese so i suck it up & make it from scratch. 30 minutes later, i put a plate of home-made mac n cheese, applesauce, & milk on the table in front of addy. proud mama moment, eh? amelia was already scarfing hers down, in food-attack mode. adeline takes a slight lick, throws the fork down & starts crying 'i don't like that mommy' blah blah blah. this was a time when i was totally under control, but still seething inside. how dare she toss her plate across the table?! a plate full of home-made mac n cheese that i made just b/c of her request?! she wanted something else entirely...

but this, i decided at that moment, was a hill i was choosing to die on, a battle i was willing to fight. i had a flash of memory of a parenting book asking the question: do you want to be doing this same thing 3 years from now? making two dinners, or three every night, every meal? my response: HELL NO. i have a hard enough time getting the one on the table, right? so i told adeline that this was lunch & she can either eat this, or eat nothing & go to her room. she went to her room, moped around for 20 minutes, came back down & asked for chocolate milk. nope, not until you eat lunch. commence crying, tantrum, being sent back to her room (that is full of toys, why is it that being sent to your room is such a bad deal? i would *love* to be sent to my room!). 20 minutes later, she came down all smiles & giggles, sat at the table & ate most of her mac n cheese, all of her applesauce, & drank all of her white milk. she didn't even ask for chocolate milk. she ran over to me & told me 'thank you'. i was stunned: it worked! i won the battle.

i can let things go like making your bed & keeping your clothes folded in the dresser & wearing pj's all day, & eating dry cereal on the couch...but i have drawn the line. you will eat what you are given, damn it. even if it's just 3 bites of each & you have to pour ketchup on top & then guzzle milk just to get it down, you will eat it. or else, uh, go hungry. ???

***

so. also. amelia not only looks like a toddler instead of a baby, but she's also graduating a bit. i just removed her bumper pads (we've kept them on so long b/c she is constantly getting her legs & arms stuck at night in the rails). it was a very sad occasion for me...but it was time. the crib looks like it belongs to a toddler now. i'm even thinking of adding a pillow (but she's such a thrasher at night that i don't think it would serve its purpose well). today i also added to our wes-off-for-a-week-to-do-list: get rid of the changing station in amelia's bedroom. b/c her room smells like poopy diapers all the time! (b/c she craps about 8 times a day, adult craps, people no longer baby poos). we have another changing table/station in their bathroom, so we'll have to do some rearranging of items in there but it will work somehow. time to turn the changing table into a toy chest. (again, somehow that will work. go wes the engineer!)

now i really must go do some laundry. keep your fingers crossed that snakes have not found a home in my house.

tubes are in

dear little amelia now has tubes in her ears. this is a good thing, we believe. i am hoping-praying-wishing that these tubes bring sleep to our nights. (which will bring more smiles during the day, right?!). so we arrived at the outpatient surgery center at 6:30, she went back around 7 to get some sleep-inducing medicine & motrin, went back for the actual surgery around 7:20-ish & they came to get us to speak with the surgeon post-surgery around 7:30. she was awake about 5 minutes later & we left to go home at 8. seriously, it zoomed.

amelia woke up hungry & thirsty, a bit loopy & grumpy, but very cuddly & totally fine. no vomiting yet. she had breakfast & is now napping for the past 90 minutes. *sigh* of relief.

speaking of amelia, look how grown up she is with her pig tails! when i saw these pictures (i took them, but in picture form it seems more pronounced?) i immediately saw a toddler. the baby is g-o-n-e. (*sniff, sniff*...but really, this is another good thing. we're on our way to a talking child, which is nearly always better in my book than a screaming/upset baby who can't communicate). & the toothbrush goes nearly everywhere with her. if an empty bottle isn't in her mouth, there's usually a toothbrush. i have no idea why (i'm guessing teething? the sucking makes ears filled with fluid feel better? who knows.)

a picture taken in the mirror--which is very dirty, apparently!--our two girls brushing their teeth for the 30th time. go figure.

amelia trying to avoid the camera (by the way, she was dressed up in the cheerleading outfit. & notice the toothbrush she's carrying?)

so here's fairy adeline.


adeline tried to put me down for a nap the other day...it was a very nice gesture on her part. she could see that i was sleepy & exhausted & kept telling me 'mommy take a nap, close your eyes' then she rubbed my back, pulled the blanket around my neck & closed the door. a few minutes later she barges in my room (i did stay in bed folks! i was all 'good idea adeline' & just laid there, with the gate closed & all medicines secured in a locked cabinet). so adeline barges in with the halloween pirate outfit on (we so need to get that back to the rightful owners, sorry judy) & was all 'argh mommy, i pirate, argh!' so cute.

we then played dress up for the next hour, trying on each outfit we have. amelia refused to take the cheer leading outfit off for quite some time but adeline was more about getting into the outfit, playing the part for 15 minutes, then changing into something else. & thanks to my wee nap time, it was a fun time for everyone.

so, now i just have christmas cards & 1 calendar left (i make them on shutterfly & give them as gifts to grandparents & such...only to people who want them, ya know!?). wes' gift arrived in the mail already...rei... i love it. he was here when it arrived & he is the *worst* person when it comes to being patient to open a gift on christmas. (sorry dear, it's true!). so now i have something to taunt him with. good times.

tall & skinny

this is our christmas tree before the pruning. wes is 6'4" tall, so this is not a short tree. the more i looked at this picture, the more i noticed the similarity between the two subjects (wes & the tree).



& this is so embarrassing to tell everyone, but we have only done ONE advent night! (*gasp* from the gbc crowd? lol). i think it has something to do with the nightly boxes being filled with chocolate & me not wanting to give the girls that much sugar before bed. or maybe it's b/c we have the advent calendar snowman on top of the fridge--the only place it rests safely where adeline isn't trying to climb, successfully, to eat her way to christmas early. or maybe it's b/c my girls are still a bit too young to fully grasp the idea of advent. (i'm hoping maybe next year for adeline, that she may understand the whole jesus being born thing a bit better. right now every time i say something about it, she just looks at me with a quizzical blank stare & replies 'yea, mom, yea'. so. there you have it. our featured failure of parenting. (kidding, it's really not that dramatic of an issue, eh?)

today i, along with nearly all of central ohio, went shopping at polaris. if you weren't there--BE THANKFUL! talk about a nut farm in the form of people shopping & driving. but last night i went out with a friend to a movie! it was like i just finished a quarter/semester at school & was free from all obligations, even if for one night. if you are wondering, we saw precious ...oh my goodness. it was so good to see something that didn't make me feel more stupid for watching it (like, the proposal, for one). it stirred a bit of my desire to help that exact population (teen parent, victim/survivor of abuse, cycle of poverty, lack of education, etc etc etc etc etc!). my friend & i didn't talk much about the movie, i think maybe b/c it was so heavy that i had to process it a bit before i can talk about it. (sound right?). i am looking forward to the day when i have the energy to wrap my brain around getting involved with others in need. i for sure don't see myself as some savior & that people are just twiddling their thumbs waiting for me to help them. really, the most successful cases i've been a part of have been teaching people how to get out of the muck themselves.

i want to be a part of something real, like nothing i've done before. (here is where my dream of this super duper awesome settlement house takes place! i just need about a million dollars (or two million?) & some land & probably some help, a-hem).

anyway, i couldn't get to sleep until i did a thorough think-through about the movie & i've been thinking about it all day. it has made me appreciate my two girls even more (woah, a movie can do that?).

***

on a totally different note: wes made some killer steaks tonight. we topped them with caramelized onions, goat cheese &/or gorgonzola cheese & paired that with basil & romano risotto (full disclosure--the baked sweet potato & apple dish wasn't finished until 10 minutes after dinner...lunch tomorrow?!). it was G.O.O.D.

fridays...

seriously, anyone know what's up with calliou? that show drives me nearly as crazy as barney. & adeline loves it. ARGH.

***
here are some questions i ask myself in the morning:
how many times will i get the vacuum out today?
how many granola bar wrappers will i find stuffed in hidden places?
will adeline make it through the day without dragging her sister away from a toy, hurting her (emotionally & physically, right?!).
will that thump i just heard mean a trip to the er?
will i get at least 30 minutes to myself to read or watch a show?
is not remembering to make dinner really as bad as it sounds?
do the folks at poison control keep tabs on the number of calls from the same household?
is it possible to make it to the gym today (for my geriatric work out *smile*)?
how many reminders do i have to write myself before i do something (shutterfly calendar, hello, i will get to you sometime!)

then statements:
do not, under any circumstances, take two children to a store. any store. do not do it.
do not tell adeline it's okay to throw the ball (b/c she's getting very good at throwing & the christmas tree can only take so much).
it is not okay to leave my kids alone upstairs for longer than 10 minutes without checking on them (crap, already didn't keep this one).
the laundry & a clean house does not mean happiness abounds in everyone (aka, kids).
it's okay to leave the tv on if it means mommy is sane.
it's okay to call myself my real name instead of mommy. hi, my name is heidi.
washing hair more than twice a week is very overrated.
take pleasure in luxuries such as finishing a cup of coffee or listening to my girls laughing *together*.
do not stress about unwashable drawings on the wall. repaint when the urge to draw on walls is over (when??).
stop thinking that wes will not like his christmas gifts.
you will get christmas cards out eventually...if it's after christmas, that's okay (but is it, really?)
remember to take my pills b/c wow does it hurt when i don't.

any statements or questions you'd like to add?

***

how is it that fridays can turn into grumpy day? adeline has been home from school for 2 days with her recurring croup cough & high fever...& the past few days haven't been bad at all. okay, so one day she was *very* sick & wasn't exactly herself. then, yesterday my mom was here. so i don't have a complete accurate comparison, eh? BUT still. so far today adeline has whined & cried about the silliest of things, grating on my nerves before it's even 9 a.m. *sigh* so i'm forcing myself to be a bit more exciting today, do things like the crazy puzzles & maybe string a necklace or two with addy & let them color--GASP-- with markers (if they draw on the walls again, i don't think wes will ever let a marker back into the house *ever*).

so here's a picture of amelia harassing the christmas tree this morning, which has turned into a favorite hobby of hers. she doesn't attack it or try to destroy, just pulls one specific ornament off (lol, addy's 2009 ornament--sisters just love to aggravate each other, eh?). of course, she's carrying around her lovey, the bunny, & an empty bottle.

our tree! it was about 11 or 12 feet tall & we had to cut it down quite a bit to make it fit into our 9 foot ceilings. this is a tree for our boise house, again, *SIGH*. (we miss you, home in boise).

i snagged a picture of adeline doing her 'woe is me, i can't watch a 3rd episode of curious george in a row'.

& this is shows amelia's strong desire to play around, on, with the computer desk. she was stuck so i of course ran to get the camera.

so. amelia is scheduled to get tubes on...MONDAY morning! we were shocked they could get us in so fast. shocked & pleased, very pleased. amelia still has fluid in her ears, although it's not infected (yet) but if it is infected by monday morning they will still do the procedure. yea! & somewhere in the paperwork i had to fill in some parental history & of course the ENT was like 'acoustic neuroma?' & knew dr welling (the ent surgeon who took out harold, my long lost 'brain' tumor--but ask dr arce & you must say only: acoustic neuroma. neurologists are kind of anal).

anyway, amelia has a chance to sleep through the night peacefully after next monday. and my sister, well, she's kind enough to drive over here from across town monday morning at 6 a.m. to stay with adeline & take her to school. when she has kids...we owe her.

in case you are wondering, yes, amelia has been attacking me since i've started to type this & has so far banged her head on the table 3 times & taken a bottom shelf of books off the book shelf, & is scaling me as i type. she is *so* not interested in all the toys we have, nor does food take her concentration away; she wants the computer. i think my mom may just be correct: amelia wants her own blog. it would be pretty cute. but annoying to share the computer.

***
for grandparents' sake, here are the numbers of their well-baby appointments (& for the record, amelia didn't cry until the 3rd & 4th vaccine shot...hardcore).

amelia: 22.5 pounds (38th percentile! is she really a gerbick-gerwig baby?!)
31 inches (62nd%...maybe tall & skinny like her daddy, as wes pointed out to me, who is apparently not those two things? ahem, wes, you're still in that hole you dug)

adeline: 37 pounds, 36.6 inches.

adeline has grown 2 inches in less than one year & amelia has also grown 2 inches, but in 4 months! the crazy thing is that amelia has *lost* weight. hhmm, that's totally new to me, a kid losing weight. i mean, adeline is a perfectly healthy kid, but she's never gone down, she's just grown & stayed at the same weight for nearly 15 months. we keep telling amelia she needs to pack on some pounds to play with the big kids (her sister & cousins).

***

again, i feel that i am improving this week. it appears this concoction of meds dr im & dr arce have me on is working. one migraine a week is so much better than a migraine every other day. plus the muscle soreness isn't as pronounced. i am just very thankful that this is working & maybe, just maybe, i will feel back to normal in late january as dr im predicted. enough talk about that stuff.

***

we have received THREE christmas cards already (parsons--you outdid yourselves! thank you, thank you). so that means i need to get off my duff & spread a little christmas cheer? which probably also means getting off the computer (especially since there is a very *loud* bang coming from the upstairs play room...hhmm). as adeline asked this morning: can we go somewhere today, mom?! i asked her 'go where?' & she replied "mall, mom, mall. let's go!" ugh, really, to the mall? where a creepy man dressed up like santa will be? & tons of other parents & kids? with your cough? i was thinking target sounded fun. (oh gosh, then i remembered the one time i took them to target & adeline vomited three times & they had to give us a free shirt so she wouldn't have to leave in the freezing cold without a shirt or coat on? maybe target's not such a hot idea.) but i know what adeline is feeling. she's been sick for the past 2 1/2 days, mostly staying at home. she doesn't have a fever anymore, so maybe we will venture out. (does that mean we all have to get out of pj's?! shock & horror).

another day of appointments

so we're off to amelia's ENT appointment in a bit. i think we're ecstatically nervous... a friend of our's 9 month old just had tubes put in on tuesday & i was around her soon after the surgery. i was totally shocked & amazed at how happy & fine she was! so i feel much better about this whole ordeal. the thing we're nervous about is--*smile*--if the ent doesn't want to put tubes in! we are ready for amelia to not battle ear infections every other week.

plus, we have figured it out & we could have purchased a very large, awesome, flatscreen tv this year if it wasn't for our medical bills (not even counting my surgery...if we counted that we could go on some fantastic vacation!). it's really a travesty that we finally caught the flatscreen tv bug & now we can't afford to get one. ah well, so goes life.

AND, for all of you who have spent some time at our house when an important game is on cable or have just spent time at our house & are bored with our antenna-network tv. well, i have a christmas surprise for you: the gerbicks are getting cable! probably just for 3-6 months (b/c 6 months is free, if we keep it for just 3 months we somehow make a profit by switching cable companies. don't ask me, wes made a spreadsheet about this whole thing. seriously, an excel spreadsheet).

then this afternoon adeline & amelia have their well-child appointments. and my mom will be here, thankfully, to help me with that. i think only amelia gets vaccines. so! i think i will have to post later (b/c i must take a shower folks).

i forgot!

this is totally blog worthy: adeline is finally asking the 'WHY?!' question for everything. i have been waiting for nearly 18 months to get these questions & every time she asks i just smile & try my best to answer. so far my favorites:
me: you need to wipe your vulva after you pee, adeline. (why, mom, why?)

me: you need to get your coat on. (why?) wes: it's very cold outside, you need your coat, adeline. (why?) wes explained why the weather turns cold & she seemed very pleased with his answer.

me: if you don't want to listen to your song we can listen to a song mommy likes. (why, mom?)

nearly every comment is followed by a very serious *why* question from addy. i am plain giddy about it.

holy counting, batman!

i am finally into part 2 of this adrenal fatigue book & it included a questionnaire about symptoms (past & present) & one symptom is brain fog or confusion or just inability to think at times. *bingo*, that's me the past while (i'm saying my date of starting to feel *differently* was at the beginning of my pregnancy with amelia). so i take the questionnaire & put the numbers in the spaces to add. my-holy-goodness do i suck at even simple addition! it took me nearly 2 minutes to add up to 62. i had to do 8 columns of addition! yes! thankfully one column only went up to 9 total points. i kept thinking where is wes when i really need him?! where is my human calculator?!

then, folks, then i read the directions which, of course, i should have read before, but, hey...it's just addition, right?! fiddlesticks, i did it wrong. seriously, why give such confusing directions to people with symptoms of confusion & brain fog?! i gave up & took a shower instead. (a hot-hot-hot one. think: hot tub jacuzzi water being poured onto your head for 20 minutes. blissful. & it really helps my muscles relax, which is great b/c i've been trying to get rid of a headache for 3 hours now. it's on the verge of a migraine, but i am fighting it off with rest, heat therapy (shower!), & drinking lots of water).

anyway, all that to say that i'm working on my goals for this week, so obviously the reading part is happening. AND after lunch i sat down to check my email & amelia walked up to the computer desk, pointed to it & then pointed to me & said 'mama'! i don't know exactly what she meant but i think she's catching on...

and. adeline was up around 5 a.m. this morning so after being home from school for 35 minutes (long enough to watch an episode of calliou--not my favorite for sure) & then tell me that the hot dog, pear, & hummus i had for her lunch was not what she wanted. she then went to the couch to cry & pout, so i let her go & she fell asleep! she's just now waking up & i am anticipating a very hungry preschooler.

***

last night i went to my church (vineyard chuch of columbus) for bi-monthly soaking prayer with my 3 ladies. what is terrible is that i can only remember one of the women's name! very very rude & horrible b/c they've been praying for me the past 3 months & i just now can't say 'hey, i didn't catch your names...' i really am terrible at remembering names. *so sorry my prayer ladies*. so last night was a goody & one of the ladies (whose name i know, but will not divulge) had a vision & i also had a vision that i believe was god-given (b/c i would not see myself doing this if it were not for god *for sure*). her vision was that jesus had a santa claus-like present bag & it was filled with gifts to give me. well, yipee! was my response. bring it on, eh? so more prayer occurred & then here it is, my vision : a jesus-looking man (lol, not white, blond, w/ blue eyes) was standing over a large burlap sack filled with something i couldn't see. i was standing next to him & suddenly he started to give me the things inside the bag & it was known to me that i was to give this 'thing' out to people. i look down & this 'thing' is a dead fish, the kind you would eat complete with the open eye... (*but i would never eat it, my friends, b/c i hate fish; all things fish disgusts me--even the aquarium kind. i'm not afraid of them, they're just gross to me. yea, may be girly, but...). back to it: so i realize i have fish in my hands & instead of being all grossed out i turn around see a large crowd of people sitting on a grassy hill & i start to hand out & toss the fish to people, who are eagerly taking the fish. & it went like that, jesus just kept handing me fish & i kept handing them to other people.

hhhmmm...now for the interpretation, eh?

***

i noticed last week that i failed to take a 4-month-post-surgery picture. but really, you can't even tell i had skull surgery. i guess if you took the time to look for the scar you would see it, but it's not like you can tell through my hair. which is good, that makes me feel less like a beacon of pity when i know everyone isn't checking out my scar & wondering why someone cut into my skull.

so. one thing i'm learning this past 6 months (since learning of that blasted tumor) is to take it easy...especially since this whole adrenal fatigue/fibromyalgia stuff really made my life miserable. i wouldn't consider myself a 'type a' person or anything, but i have for sure learned to just relax & take stress cues. but there are a few times throughout the month that i have a really hard time: monday evenings & the 28th of each month. driving home from thanksgiving, as i was sitting in the car with my eyes closed (to keep nausea at bay...why do i get car sick now instead of when i was little?!) anyway, i had my eyes closed & i just kept seeing & going through the whole morning of the surgery & waking up from it all. i couldn't stop crying & then it dawned on me: it's the 28th, 4 months exactly after my surgery. it just happens without me even knowing the date or whatever. so it's good that prayer went well last night b/c sometimes monday nights are just really terrible. complete with me crying & doing stress-reducing mind exercises or watching tons of tv or taking my pills early & going to bed super early. anyway, last night was the first of these certain days--mondays or 28th--that i didn't have anxiety remembering the surgery or crying for no reason, etc. so this is progress.

what is *not* progress?! me still having this terrible headache, adeline waking up & demanding to watch the dora dvd her grandparents mailed her (she says 'oohhh, thank you', sue & bruce) & then amelia also waking up, crying. all within 3 minutes. & it's only 2:40. not progress. i think i will take you up on that migraine pill, mr. medicine cabinet.