tumor talk

we were at the new facilities of dr welling; he has the corner office on the 4th floor of the brand-spanking new osu medical center. it all smelled brand new & in the waiting room they have this huge tv showing episodes of csi! wes & i were like "cancel the appointment & let's have a cheap date!" lol but we kept the appointment. but then as we were walking out we had the idea to also just tell my aunt that the appointment went waaay over & then sit & watch csi shows sans kids in someone else's a/c. *sigh* again, we didn't.

wes was very nervous before this appointment...you can tell wes is nervous when he starts cracking weird jokes & doing farting noises with his mouth & trying out all the office equipment & biting his cuticles off til they're bloody. (this is exactly how he was during the first part of amelia's labor, when i was lapping the nurses around their station going 'i don't think i'm really in labor, folks'). no worries, he does much better once the show is on the road, or the labor becomes more intense, or the doctor walks in, or i'm assuming once i'm wheeled into the waiting room at osu. BUT he did say on the way out of the appointment "you didn't tell me that dr welling was the otolaryngology version of your uncle curt" & it struck me that, yes, that's who he reminds me of. so there you have it, heidi's family, dr welling will remind you of curtis frame (well, a tad bit shorter).

anyway! get on with it already, heidi!

so dr welling arrived in the exam room & all began well. he started at square one explaining to wes what the tumor is exactly, what the 3 course of action options are, & which one he leans towards & why. listening to it all again, i had moments of de ja vu when i finally remembered answers to questions i had; you know "oh yea, he did tell me that last time, DOI". then he asked if we had any questions; wes & i laughed & wes pulled my 6 x 8" notebook out. we had filled 2 pages with questions! & one was even written like this: wes' lengthy question (4 symptoms).

i won't bore you with all the details of the answers or each odd question, but the basic gist is that my tumor is at the size that makes it a very good candidate to be taken out now, without further risking any more nerve involvement. it's a good sign that most of my symptoms aren't severe & that i have most of my hearing & best of all, that my hearing clarity is 100%. he is predicting (but ensured that we understood that he can not actually predict the future) that i will not have a lot of facial muscle/nerve problems post-op. they will take my balance center completely out of my left side, which will cause problems post op (my right side will have to teach the left side of me to balance again. post-op, once out of the icu & hospital, the more i move the better my balance will become. they've tested this on monkeys, apparently). he is estimating that i will be able to go back to most daily activities, such as walking around & driving by 4 weeks...but i will be very exhausted by it. & i can't lift or bend over past my knees for 3-4 weeks, either (sorry, girlies). by 6 weeks, he is predicting i could be back to my daily job; which is an awesome & scary thought (for some reason).

what are some other highlights? well, to put my skull back together (as they will take approximately a 1 x 1" hunk out to enter the tumor site) they will use titanium plates & bone cement. seriously, bone cement is their term. what's fairly humorous to me is that wes was joking that he would invent some sort of 'skull caulk' to help keep my skull in tact (this was supposed to make me feel better about my fears that my brain will fall out of the incision site). & i will get to be on some hardy narcotics pre & post op...not sure how i feel about that, especially since i am very sensitive to strong meds.

& then i'm allowing myself to be entered into this new research project about facial muscle weakness...hard to explain briefly, but basically they will give me some anti-viral meds during & after the surgery, hoping to lessen the chances of a possible virus that gives a late-effect facial muscle weakness (hhm, i wouldn't be able to fully close my left eye or my smile would be not as full on the left side or my mouth would be pulled up when i'm not smiling. weird stuff, eh?) so this med may help deter that from occurring a week post-op, which is when this seems to creep up on harold victims.

i do feel better about the whole situation & it was wonderful to have wes there to help me remember all that he told us (& for the odd humor effect, as well). so now 19 days pre-op, i am doing probably the best since the diagnosis, which isn't saying much...but still. i'm not crying every 4 (or 2) hours like i was for awhile. minor improvements!

& i get to wear a turban! (i'm trying to make this a positive thing here, folks) just for a few days in the hospital. but i may request a helmet to drive home in. just in case we get in a fender-bender & my head hits the back of the seat really hard & my brains fly out the incision site. i think if i don't have a helmet on i will be holding the back of my head the entire drive home (just in case!). i do cherish my brains, really.

AND i don't have to have this certain surgery that requires the tumor site to be filled with belly fat! YYYIIIIPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEE! once paige (my tumor friend) told me about that part of her surgery i started to really freak out b/c it means they do this minor lipo-suction of belly fat (not such a bad thing, but EEWWW) & then seal that up & place a similar tumor size amount of belly fat into the former tumor site (to keep things in place? i dunno, i didn't exactly go into detail about the 'why's' of that situation). but the terrible part of that is the 'seepage bag' that would be attached to my stomach from the mini-lip job. you know, blood & such would be seeping out. gag me, right? one good thing about this surgery being on the back of my head is that i don't have to see the stitches (which it will be stitches & not staples, btw) & so this really threw me for a loop. long story short, i don't have to have this. which is good b/c i was going to start looking around for a donor, lol.

did i mention that dr welling has performed 800 of these surgeries? *800*. that's a lot. i don't think i've done anything that major 800 times. have i even done 800 loads of laundry? (okay, probably; bad example). i feel like i'm in good hands. wes agrees.

19 days to go...

avoidance

i am avoiding going upstairs to the playroom right now. b/c both of my wee ones are up there, sans naps (afternoon, in amelia's case). how does this happen to me?! i guess its my own making, taking them out for lunch late b/c amelia then fell asleep on the way home for all of 10 minutes & now she's unable to fall asleep for a nap (even after 50 minutes of squaking in her crib). she is exhausted & a wee bit grumpy (which is unlike her). adeline is busting with energy for some reason...even without a nap. i am exhausted! how does that work out? where is my energy kick in the afternoon?

i need this time, the afternoon nap time to gather myself up, clean the house a bit, rest a bit, etc. i even made myself a frappucino in anticipation of having a free 15 minutes at least by myself. (now i really think i should've added that shot of bailey's to my frap). instead of the silence of nap time, what i hear is giggling & jumping & happy shrieks & running upstairs. & a thud every once in awhile. my guess & *hope* is that it's adeline jumping off the lower bed in the playroom...but it could just be amelia's head bonking on the floor. nope, still laughing, no head bonks yet.

later i hope to post about the meeting yesterday with harold's doctor...we'll see if i have time. any ideas for dinner?!

a few of amelia's (new) favorite things:

amelia, 10 months plus a few weeks

(she is playing with a post card from her grandma & grandpa gerbick, who were in san diego & thinking of her).

& what are these new favorite things?

• tunnels at playgrounds
• doing 'the train' down the slide with her older sis, adeline
• throwing freshly put together puzzle pieces (done by her sister adeline)
• crawl-running. anywhere. up or down.
  
• speed stair climbing
• going down our wee slide at home on her belly (head first), then crawling back up it on all 4's (think: monkey)
  
• walking behind the little tikes play-thing (this only lasts a few steps, mind you)
• letting griswold lick food off her hand
• trying to climb onto the couch where adeline has made a cave around herself full of toys & items she doesn't want amelia to touch or breath on
• trying to do pull-ups (chin ups?) on the tables & countertops & everything she can barely see over
• grinding her teeth (this is the worst of all)
• making monkey noises while doing most things.
• baby dancing
  

as i'm writing this, amelia is doing just some of the things listed above & adeline is intently watching curious george. so the soundtrack to amelia monkeying around the living room is *perfect*.

***

today at 3 p.m. wes & i are meeting with the infamous dr welling. i didn't sleep well last night imagining all the terrible answers he could give to my 100 questions. not pretty.

***

if you want to get in touch with me via cell phone, call wes' # (which is the same as my number, but the last # is a 4 instead of a 5). or email me for the home #. why? my phone was placed, by me, on the back of the aztec yesterday. i totally forgot about it. wes went to pick up a pizza, the first time we had veered from our weekly schedule in awhile (tuesday is casserole night & i could find not a single bit of broccoli or peas in the house! ???), so off to get pizza he went. he saw the cell phone fly off the back on his way home from picking up the pizza. it was on polaris parkway. (a very busy road) & when he went back after dinner, after i suddenly looked stricken at him & shouted "DID YOU HAPPEN TO TAKE MY PHONE OFF THE BACK OF THE CAR BEFORE YOU LEFT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" & he then said 'no, i didn't know it was even there...hhuh, so that's what flew off the back of the car...damn' & he was off. he found my phone in the middle of a lane, shattered. it's in 5 pieces. five. my favorite phone of all time! some of my favorite pictures of all time! gone!

oh my...

...the emotions of a 2 year old. oh my. OH. MY.

it's like a tiny teenager. but this tiny teenager has a hard time with speech. & can't tell her mama what the heck is going on in that mind of hers & its killing her today, that tiny teenager, she's sorta withering inside & it's showing on her outside. from tiny teenager angst? i don't know, but this tiny teenager certainly can't have anymore tears left, not after this morning.

i need to make posters. posters that have pictures of everything from which snack she is wanting to what toy she wants to find that is somehow in hiding. tiny teens pick up on emotions from adults very quickly so this mama is trying my *hardest* to be a rock she can lean on, but i may just be a rock that is disintegrating (sand rock?). oi vey.

i know in my inner heart & mind that i will handle the real teen years much better than these tiny teen years.

independence weekend

did everyone have a good 4th weekend? i think i can safely say we gerbickians did. let's see, i'll give ya a quick run down: drive to my parents in cinnamon lake (oh) friday morning, addy played like crazy & even took an afternoon nap (as did we all!), go to balloon lift off, watch adeline eat gobs of oreos & then have tantrum after we take oreos away, put girls down, stay up late with my hubby & parents, wake up at 10 a.m. (ooh yea), hang out in pj's for awhile, lunch, sister & brother in law arrive, talk with mom & sister for awhile, decide to go shopping with my mom to outlet mall, shop!, back to cinnamon lake where my dad's parents are there & my brother, sister in law & twins are also, eat dinner, give older girls a bath b/c they are so stinkin' dirty!, go to fireworks, come home, chat a bit while watching decorating shows, sleep, wes up early to canoe on the lake with my brother, i get up at 9 a.m. (again, oooh yea), breakfast (asiago bagel), pack like crazy & drive back to westerville, arriving at noon exactly. there you have it! (the rest is just boring boo-ha-ha.)

here is a hot air balloon lift-off, for all those who are not from ashland, ohio.

i believe there were 28 balloons this year(??) which seemed like a lot at the time...they just kept filling up & lifting off! adeline was over the top excited about it all, especially when pop-pop took her to see them up close. of course, she wanted to take a little ride in the balloon, which they do, but she wasn't tall enough or something. at any rate, it's a pretty fun time with little ones.

& i just love to give you cute pictures of my kids. so here's another.

& this was addy's 'job' all weekend: take stones from the ground, place them on the outdoor table. it was hard, dirty work but she did it anyway.

all 4 grand babies prior to the fireworks. as you can see, they were eating & chloe & zoe had these adorable white shirts on...so to eat, they were topless. if you have a kid, you know you've done this. what i'm not posting is a picture of the girls down to their skivvies running inside. imagine it, b/c it's a keeper. (for parents)

let me just say that driving even 90 minutes north drops the temperature 10 degrees. it was such a nice, cool weekend. i know it was cool in columbus as well, but this was even better. (sorry mom & dad, not enough to make us move). it was a fun weekend with my family...adeline has cemented her twin cousins as her first best friends in the whole wide world & amelia is trying her hardest to keep up with them.

which brings me to an amelia milestone announcement: she is now climbing up entire flights of stairs. age 10 months. when the 3 older girls were getting their bath, amelia heard the goings-on upstairs & she high tailed it up there (thankfully wes saw her starting & was close behind...but she didn't falter once). what a gal, that amelia.

anyway, we took the 3 oldest to the fireworks at ashland. the fireworks were good, not red-white-&-boom good, but small town ohio good & what's best is that you don't have to wade through crowds of people. we actually parked at the hawkins (a grocery store, for all you non-ashlanders) parking lot & sat on the surrounding grass (yea, by claremont). we were 'those people' but we wanted to ensure a quick exit in case chloe or zoe became frightened (last year, one of them was so scared! & this year chloe still shook from fear of the noise (maybe?), but didn't cry & calmed down quickly). anyway, we were classy, make no doubt about it. functional; that's what we were.

so, thanks mom & dad, for letting me sleep in until 10 & buying especially for me the asiago bagels from buehlers. yum yum.

***

& today we had a play date with a family down the street. they have two girls who are each a few months older than ours. how convenient! & i just have to say, it's great when to meet another family who's in the same boat as we are. 2 girls, dogs, etc. it's just sort of like holding a mirror up, ya know? well, adeline & her counterpart had a fantastic time together, when they did decide to play which each other. we didn't observe any fights, but we did let them play about 50 yards away in a sandbox together (we walked to a nearby park, did i mention that?) & i did see addy throwing sand, but there were not tears shed from the sand throwing.

amelia & her counterpart crawled around the ground, each eating their share of mulch, grass, sand, & dirt. it took about 3 minutes before the moms were comfortable enough to stick our fingers in the other baby's mouth to pull out an object. then the babies would try to climb & do the slides...all good stuff.

& my counterpart & i chatted it up about many things...from feminism & raising two girls to long hospital stays (hers was while pregnant with #2, mine coming up) to husbands who drive bomber old cars (& not the cool, run-on-veg-oil kind, either, sadly) & do cost analysis for nearly everything they purchase to growing plants in our neighborhood, where there is hardly any full sun (due to old, giant, & beautiful trees). she had some great advice about the upcoming separation between myself & the girls, from experience (she went to work one day & never returned home for over 6 weeks! can you imagine being in the hospital that long?! on bed rest?! while pregnant w/ hospital food?! gah!!).

then we come home for lunch. all is well, amelia is snoozing away but addy decides not to take a nap. not a big deal. somehow she snuck past me reading in the playroom & made her sneaky way downstairs to the kitchen. finally, as i'm drying my eyes after finishing the book thief (oh my goodness, a great book!), i hear some clanking of silverware. i hear an ever so faint beeping coming from our fridge. *crap* addy is downstairs. i decide not to get worked up, what could she be into already? wrong mama, wrong.
i found the blueberry monster in my kitchen. i think her hands, feet, & face were blue for quite some time after this (as is the grout in this tile & part of the carpet in the living room where she apparently briefly ate her find). these are the frozen packaged blueberries, not the tub-o-blueberries that we have sitting in the fridge. now those wouldn't have been so messy! but nope, she chose the messy, frozen version. that's just adeline, i suppose.

how to unclog a 3 story laundry chute

it's important to figure out before you do laundry for the week (all of it) that there is still dirty laundry stuck in the laundry chute. muy importante!

1. do not attempt to throw heavy or bulky items down the chute, such as a men's size 12 sneaker or even a 6 pack of canned chicken. it will only make the 'stuckedness' more stuck.
2. also, do not attempt to pick at the clothes from the top with fire place prongs. this also does not work. this method will also probably get the fire place prongs stuck in the chute as well & will most likely wake up your children with all the loud banging of aluminum, swearing, & such that goes on with this whole specific task.
3. do not try to use a kid's toys, such a pretend leaf blower or a child's broom. they may also become lodged in the chute & make additionally loud noises & increase swearing & mumbling of children who were previously sleeping soundly.
4. do not attempt to use any type of plastic CPVC pipe, as this will bend due to the severe stuckedness of these clothes.
5. what you should do folks, is have two adults on hand. one, preferably the one with the most upper body strength should take a very long steel tube (1.000 15g tjl webstock, to be exact. for those who work with wes, you know what the heckle he's talking about. for everyone else, just find a freaking long hunk of metal, tear it from your closet if necessary). anyway, the stronger adult will then lift, from the basement, the tube to the 2nd (ahem, less strong) adult who is waiting with the chute open to grab the tube. then the stronger adult will then come to the 2nd floor to somehow lift up the clothes to the less strong adult who has bounded up the stairs (as the more strong adult is straining to say "they're moving, get them) who can then reach in, straining the neck muscles, & grab the clothes.
6. do not try to resend the clothes down all at once b/c they may just become stuck. again. ("well, shit.")
7. repeat if necessary (with harold hanging around, this was necessary).
   

***

& now here is how not to get a good picture of a mama & her girls:

{okay, note amelia & adeline's expressions; they are so cute...& oppposite?}

& b/c wes told me that these pictures were good, that we were all smiling & my glasses didn't cover my eyes like they are, well, i'm putting a great picture of him up today. *smile*

***

we visited my grandma today & caught some good pictures.

only of amelia & grandma great hazel b/c adeline refused to sit on her lap. refused! i think my grandma's feeling were a wee bit hurt...but i manipulated adeline into sitting next to her while grandma read a curious george book. mama knows best. i then filled my grandma in on harold (she already knew. word spreads fast through my extended family, apparently).

what else? we had our 2nd 'harold-erapy' appointment today (therapy on how to deal with this harold-esque situation). apparently, i am dealing pretty darn good. wes is being a dude, which i normally would find a bit stereotypical & annoying & a discriminatory & stereotypical comment, but for freaks sake, it's true (such as not talking about it, withdrawing & concentrating on other things, getting a bit grumpy... which is not like wes). i was told to probably not get too involved in online chats with other patients, to keep taking anxiety meds, to distract myself with god-given wonderful things (such as tv, books, gardening, my kids, shopping, cleaning; not in that order necessarily, lol) & to find some time each day to think about harold, only when i feel god's presence. it as recommended that wes make more attempts to converse (*smile*) about harold or anything that has something not to do with gardening (his topic of choice for the past 3 weeks), to smile more around his girls & take adeline out for events, such as one-on-one ice cream (can't beat that!).

tomorrow we're off to cinnamon lake & ashland for the fireworks & balloon glow. why doesn't columbus have something neat for kids like a balloon glow & lift off?

heidi, out for the weekend. everyone have a good one!

old friends, new friends.

last night we had a double girl family over. it was wes' childhood (& adulthood!) friend, erin (toomey) byne & her hubby, matt, & their girls kierra & reilly. kierra is about 2 (or 3?) months younger than adeline & reilly is 4 months younger than amelia. in a few years when we get together its just going to be GIRL time.

so i told adeline that two little girls were coming over & it was time to pick a special outfit. i gave her total control & usually that produces at least a semi-matching outfit. not so today. it's okay adeline, everyone makes a fashion faux pas but, wow, was this one a doozy. she was proud of it, which is what matters. i told her she was beautiful no matter if her outfit was a bit mi-matched. well, if she was going for a floral theme, this worked for her.

every year when we all get together wes & erin & their kids get a picture. it's becoming more difficult to get a good one, though. these are just 2 out of about 50.

last year, adeline was screaming while the pics were taken, so these are an improvement. lol.
i hope matt got some better ones than we did.

kierra & adeline

kierra & amelia

it has been discovered that sisters prefer other girls' baby sisters. sometimes. really, it was relieving to observe another two year old in action; you know, our child isn't the only one who does things to their sister or to other kids or acts like a 2 year old does. addy didn't get a nap (despite my best effort to do an adeline-nap-put-down with amelia playing in the hallway, throwing toys against the wall next to addy's room, squealing) so adeline was a but easily saddened & angered & just plain emotional. but, the girls loved on each other even!

here is a wonderful dad-of-the-year picture.

so erin handed over a gift from her church. there's this lady who knits/crochets prayer shawls. as someone who knits, i know how long it can take to make one little scarf, so this entire shawl is pretty amazing...what is superbly amazing is that this woman was praying (for me) the entire time she knit this. the entire time. hours & hours & hours. yea, i think this will come to the hospital with me, eh? when erin told me this, i immediately teared up & repeated my mantra (don't cry, not right now) but i did a bit & that was over. for as sad, depressing, anxiety-ridden as yesterday was, the evening was much better.

this morning is going good, as well! it is now confirmed that amelia is attempting to sing with me while i rock & sing to her prepping her to fall asleep for her nap. i sing three songs & this is the only time amelia does this opera-like, uh, noise. it's hilarious & i have to focus on singing myself to not bust out laughing b/c it just sounds terrible. like a frog? she has a cousin who does this as well, tries to sing. it will be a good memory. one day, amelia may be a good singer, but right now, oh my, no she is not. (not that she has a mama who can sing well to imitate, right?)

***

for the record, anyone who is hating this cool spell of weather can blame me. i think god heard my pleas for cool weather & has said 'let it be done just b/c you have harold to deal with'. lol! i am in sweatpants, tshirt, sweater (that has bleach stains SOMEHOW?! b/c we hardly ever use bleach!! & so is deemed by 'house sweater') & then booty slippers.

today i have decided not to investigate any AN forums or blogs. maybe i will try to tackle part of the basement? maybe go to the mall with the girls? hhmm...what would you do?