avoidance

i am avoiding going upstairs to the playroom right now. b/c both of my wee ones are up there, sans naps (afternoon, in amelia's case). how does this happen to me?! i guess its my own making, taking them out for lunch late b/c amelia then fell asleep on the way home for all of 10 minutes & now she's unable to fall asleep for a nap (even after 50 minutes of squaking in her crib). she is exhausted & a wee bit grumpy (which is unlike her). adeline is busting with energy for some reason...even without a nap. i am exhausted! how does that work out? where is my energy kick in the afternoon?

i need this time, the afternoon nap time to gather myself up, clean the house a bit, rest a bit, etc. i even made myself a frappucino in anticipation of having a free 15 minutes at least by myself. (now i really think i should've added that shot of bailey's to my frap). instead of the silence of nap time, what i hear is giggling & jumping & happy shrieks & running upstairs. & a thud every once in awhile. my guess & *hope* is that it's adeline jumping off the lower bed in the playroom...but it could just be amelia's head bonking on the floor. nope, still laughing, no head bonks yet.

later i hope to post about the meeting yesterday with harold's doctor...we'll see if i have time. any ideas for dinner?!

the predicament of food

so we gerbickians love food. both wes & i enjoy cooking & i also like to bake, meaning there's usually something fairly tasty to eat here as far as leftovers go. & we gerbickians are on a tight budget. it's not like we're headed to the poor house or anything, but with one income we can't be extravagant & thoughtless with our spending. we often scrutinize what we are buying each month to keep ourselves in check, but not in a bad way, right? just to make sure we aren't over spending.

these two things cause great distress in our home, the love of good food plus the need to stay on a budget. since food costs are rising & annual raises aren't necessarily keeping up with inflation...well, let's just say we are trying to find ways to buy less of some things. over the past year we've done well in other areas, except food! & i'm not talking about eating out, we are consistently stay within our budgeted amount for that--which i find amazing. the problem is that we're sort of food snobs; we just really enjoy eating yummy food. ya know?! what's wrong with that, right? unfortunately, friends, there is something wrong with that & it's the cost of that yummy food.

so the past month wes & i have been toying around with cutting our grocery bill, again--somehow! i'm just going to put it out there for everyone to judge, we spend about $150 a week (that is from adding all the food purchases including costco, grocery stores, toiletries from target/costco, trader joe's, farmer's markets, etc & then dividing by 52). {btw: this does include formula, folks!} we think this is a lot to spend on groceries & toiletries...but we have tried to cut this down & have discovered that it means lowering our food quality. plain & simple, it means eating more processed foods & less made-at-home or more natural food yumminess.

& i can't do it. i just can't eat fake mac n cheese from a box when i know what real mac n cheese taste like made with scrumptious emmentaler swiss & white sharp cheddar. or it means having noodles & marinara sauce at least once a week...ya know, i did that in college for 5 years, i'm not ready to return to that monotonous cycle!

now some things are cheaper to make, such as marinara sauce & even chicken broth & desserts for sure (bread pudding, come on! very cheap. strawberry shortcakes, cheap for sure) & on good weeks, we are really great about making the dinners & planning the meal out throughout the day {ie: making pizza dough at 2:30 for dinner that night, or defrosting some of our beef or chicken & marinating, or making noodles/pasta--which is wes' specialty). but we try to incorporate fresh produce into every meal & this is what skyrockets our bill (& i'm defining fresh produce as purchased at the grocer during the winter & early spring, then if we don't grow it in the summer, at a farmer's market). so where is the subsided for that? yea, we get frozen veggies & they're great & it works for some things like peas & green beans & corn...but when i taste steamed broccoli from the produce section & compare it to steamed frozen broccoli, there's a difference to me. so, really, is there a substitute? is there a way to lower our budget line?

but what would the girls eat if they didn't have that apple or bowl of berries or pear? fruit snacks? i just can't make that decision for them...i mean, i prefer fresh fruit over fruit snacks (although they do have their place in my mouth at times, don't think i have banished them or anything). & i feel it to be my duty to provide my kids with healthy options that are available to us...i don't want to force them into bad eating, basically. & now that they know what a fresh strawberry tastes like, will they even want fruit snacks? (addy says no).

i'm telling you folks, we are food snobs...& just this week wes & i have decided to embrace that. i don't mean go overboard & insist that our girls have organic everything & never let a pre-packaged food choice pass their lips! i just mean embracing that we enjoy a nice dinner that we took the time to prepare. good food takes time & it is the one thing that i place above cleaning, exercising, & sometimes socializing...if we are on a time crunch & it's the choice between making a dessert for a special dinner or just someone i think needs it (or dinner for my family), i will nearly always choose to cook or bake.

i'm not sure if wes & i get this from our own parents & families or whether this is something that we both happen to enjoy. really, both of our families have excellent cooks throughout...we both grew up eating canned food from the backyard garden (i guess me more than wes, but he has experienced it whereas some folks our age haven't) & then having dinner with our family each night (well, for my family, if it was basketball season, this wasn't so much the case, lol). i dunno, we are foodies, as one of our friends put it...& i think i am done trying to make excuses to myself & just accept that we will have very high grocery bills, meaning i might not get to take that trip to europe or venezuela or hawaii--or anywhere out of ohio--as soon as i wanted to, but it does mean that we spend time together as a family preparing & eating & even shopping for the food, which makes things very exciting (i do NOT recommend taking two kids 2 years & under to a grocery store with you. do not).

as usual, i'm not sure if this all makes sense to everyone else reading it. but its my blog & i'll ramble when i see fit, *smile*

so, you many wonder, what's on the menu for the gerbickians this week? well, today for lunch we had grilled chicken with lemon-pepper seasoning, sided with gorgonzola-spinach (trader joe's frozen) gnocchi & peas (b/c our girls love peas...i force them down my throat my hiding them in the gnocchi. i gag at peas usually, but i have to eat them if i expect my kids to, eh?). then tonight for dinner it was grilled italian sausages with (home canned) heirloom tomatoes, a green pepper & a vadalia onion & also sweet corn (& stone ground mustard on the side, yumminy yumminy). tomorrow is a 'breakfast-for-dinner night' & we are having a sausage-egg-potato skillet scramble that also includes onion & garlic & a wee bit of gravy-cheese mix (the gravy being made by yours truly & the cheese being probably a sharp white cheddar that is amazing & even more amazingly cheap from trader joe's). i also plan on making strawberry shortcakes & if i get around to it, i'll post this recipe i have that will make you--if you like bread--eat the shortcakes even without strawberries or cream. i am very guilty of this. then tuesday night is wes' night to shine by making a cheese & mushroom ravioli & marinara sauce from scratch (i love this man). wednesday is an easy night: frozen (trader joe's ...i love this store!) honey glazed asian chicken stir fry w/ jasmine rice. thursday has the cheeseburgers on tap (when made with this beef we have, it is a sublime burger, i tell ya) & if we get crazy, some home made french fries. if we don't get crazy, purchased & frozen fries & steamed broccoli (smothered in cheese if you are addy & okay, me too). friday is usually pizza night, but since wes & i will be gone (christine's bachelorette party! yea!!!!!! & wes is a designated driver for the ladies), so my mother in law will be here with the girlies for the evening, so we are putting a roast in the crock pot & then sweet potatoes in the oven for them to enjoy. saturday will be goat cheese, caramelized onion, & roasted red pepper pizzas on the grill (pizzas rock on the grill, folks). sunday dinner will be sirloin steaks & baked potatoes with fresh garden chives & broccoli. i just think we like food, lol.

what do you think? really, is this a normal menu for a week? or are we really over the top? i mean, we don't know, we've only cooked together. do other people have pbj's 3 times a week? as you can gather, there is a reason we spend $150 a week. i just can't eat pbj's that often.

on a sidenote: the ENTIRE time i've been typing this i have listened to an ice cream truck's music in our neighborhood. come one, dude, it's almost 9:30pm. give it a rest! do you know how annoying that music is after, oh 1 minute? ggggaaaahhhhhh! (yea, just shut the window, heidi, doi!)

oy vey.

first, the good things.

addy in her last diaper! it's all pull-ups & undies from here. which is so wonderful to think about. today we were gone most of the day & she didn't pee in her pants once! i was sooo proud & the great thing is that she did it without even needing her m&m treat as a reward. oh yea!

what else is good news? uh, it's supposed to be warmer tomorrow? frost should be over after tonight. we covered out strawberries last night b/c man oh man, it would be a HUGE bummer to lose all those green berries out there... plus an animal ate most of wes' veggies on the side of our house the other night. stupid varmint. so he had to replant/seed all of them! seriously, what's the point of growing your own stuff from seed if your babies are just going to be gobbled up? plus that stupid varmint ate my daisies! i am soooo ready to hide out & shoot whatever animal it may be.

****** funny story time ******
tonight at dinner (we were having blueberry buttermilk pancakes & these egg/omelet/souffle cups. we had about 4 tablespoons of maple syrup left (we only use real maple syrup b/c i am a syrup snob apparently; not that stuff that comes in a ginormous container, lol. snob, i tell you.). anyway, we were eating mostly dry pancakes b/c we didn't have enough syrup to go around, which always seems to be the case. we buy a thing of syrup & then it's gone before the next time we use it. so i looked across the table & asked wes "why is it that our maple syrup is always gone?!" he gives me this smart-alec look back & replies "b/c of that" & points to adeline...who was drinking the rest of the syrup out of the jar, head tilted waaaayyyy back & making low gulping noises...

***
& today was the 2nd hearing test. *sigh* adeline passed! i am not sure how to feel about the whole thing. there are so many levels of schtuff to think about with this test. first is that last test she did indeed have a slight cold, which could give her an earache. except that her ped had checked her out that very morning prior to the test & didn't see any signs of an ear infection. so i'm not quite convinced that the reason she didn't pass the last test was b/c of an ear infection.

#2 is that an inner ear problem explains so many things about adeline...the random fevers, diarrhea, belly aches, headaches. these could all come from inner ear problems. as can imbalance! & she is that as well (imbalanced). it also explains her speech delay.

the third problem i have with this test result is that the same audiologist gave the test & she was very abrupt, nearly to a point of rudeness, did the tests a bit hastily (it took half the time it did last time...granted adeline cooperated much more this time around, though). then once the test was completed, she opened the sound proof door (i had addy on my lap in that sound proof room) & said "she is responding on a normal level, she's hearing normal. you were right to say you didn't think she had a hearing loss last time"...then she gave adeline a sticker & walked towards the door, opened it & then asked "do you have any questions?"...i sorta felt like i was being shoved out the door! YES i had questions! last time you totally shocked me saying that adeline could barely hear what i was saying & that it probably wasn't from her cold & now you are saying the exact opposite & sending me out the door with a fake smile. i was pissed. i am very very very unhappy with children's hospital so far! (it takes 2 1/2 months to get a speech evaluation with them & 3 weeks with 'help me grow'?).

i think we are going to get another opinion from a different source, probably columbus speech & hearing. i just don't want to go with this test result & then encounter this problem in another year & say to ourselves, i wish we would've looked into it a bit more last year. right?

along with this, addy had her speech evaluation with 'help me grow' last thursday & on sunday afternoon (! yes, weekend day!) they called us with the results: she indeed has an expressive speech delay. & she is advanced in other areas, meeting 4-5 year old marks! yep yep yep, smarty pants. now if we can just get her to talk, lol! so we should expect a call from our coordinator this week to get connected with a speech therapist & the westerville school district. then we have the children's hospital speech evaluation in early june & may get a speech therapist through them for the summer. having a diagnosed speech delay does qualify her for "services" according to 'help me grow'...i think that means preschool through the school district, but they haven't said that for sure or not.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! we are so frustrated. we just want a plan...there is just so much we don't have answers to.

then to top it off amelia is finally cutting her two front top teeth. & she is oh-so-not-happy about it. let me tell ya. wait, it's more like 'let me scream it to you'. she was up so much last night. so so much... as i rocked her i was struck by how much her emotional faces look like wes. it was adorable. at times when i looked down at her sleepy face i nearly felt like i was rocking wes...it was that similar! in a good, feminine way, of course. *she don't look like no man, lol.* & tonight she's already been awake screaming/sobbing/ flailing twice & yea, she went to bed at 8. it's going to be a long night. i keep telling myself that this is it, we're just getting past the last few night time hurdles & then we'll be in the clear for (mostly) nights of sleeping. unless its like last night: when i finally got amelia back to sleep...adeline then wakes up crying & won't stop until we go into her room to comfort her. lesson here? don't have another kid! *smile* we wouldn't trade amelia for the world, though (nor would we trade addy).

today as i walked through the mall with my friend judy on our way from the playground to the food court, i did what mamas are not supposed to do: i compared our kids again.
amelia: pulling addy's hair & loudly squawking/squealing.
addy: crying (see above)/shouting (don't want to leave playground)/kicking (who knows what, the air?).
elliott: peacefully sitting & looking about his surroundings.

i then asked judy if she only hangs out with me so she can make herself believe she is raising an angel baby & she actually smiled this wicked smile & you KNOW she was thinking 'oh yes, that is one reason for sure' but she lovingly said 'i had my time with two kids close in age & they were just this loud' (she has two older boys also). but folks, she knew i had the loud kids at this time. to clarify, btw: i somehow forgot the stroller today so we had to 'rent' one from the mall & they aren't the most spacious of things, so amelia had the ability to pull addy's hair at this point & pull it out she did!)

i thinkwe have missed something. or not.

now that i've gone through two pregnancies, i have a general idea of what each trimester & month of pregancy feels like. all women who have been pregnant have to remember certain things...the positive pregnancy test, the first time your pants don't button, peeing every 30 minutes (or more!), the tight belly skin that itched me like crazy....i am trying my hardest to avoid mentioning all the ailments my body put me through during those combined 19 months of pregnancy.

let me first clarify: i love my girls!

now that i've said that... i despised being pregnant & i am not so much a baby-person. now when i see a pregnant woman, i don't feel what most mothers or women in general feel. you know, i've heard from so many other females that they lovingly look at prego's with desire of being pregnant & how cute they look, etc. when i spy a prego, i sort of shudder. not b/c they look miserable or terrible but b/c my memory is sparked & i can nearly taste the chicken noodle soup, crackers, & ginger ale that i lived on during amelia's pregnancy (& then the vomit) & then the intense tiredness & discomfort i felt with adeline. i know it's not really 'vogue' to talk poorly of pregnancy b/c yea, you're creating another human, etc etc BLAH BLAH BLAH (sort of like right now you have to fully support all things breastfeeding...but that is a whole separate post!). the truth is that some women have a terrible, miserable pregnancy & that needs to be acknowledged & i certainly do my part in sharing this!

anyway, so when i see prego's, i shudder, right? & i do so knowing that i do not want any more biological kids (wes & i are both entertaining the thought of adopting a boy from the foster care system in 5 or 6 years). this thought is totally okay with me, knowing i am not going to hold my own newborn again, or go through labor & delivery again, or 'try for a boy' as some might ask. i don't become oddly/motherly jealous of women with tiny infants, i don't find the tiny newborn cry adorable. i don't miss the newborn stage where they are dependent on parents for everything. (millie is thankfully leaving that stage quickly). i don't even really feel intense sadness that amelia is nearly crawling. & wes totally is in agreement with me on all these points. we just don't get into the whole baby-love sweep of emotion. we are not baby people & we have realized this after two kids.

we were talking about this the other night & are wondering if we are missing something as parents... you know, are we too selfish? have our expectations a bit too high? but in reality, we have produced two girls who are very active, spirited, independent (yes, amelia & adeline will prove to you that a baby can desire independence at such an age of 6 months or less). they desire such a consistent daily routine that can not be deviated from easily. ..& that is not me. i have adapted to wes' daily regiment of eating at the same time, etc etc...but when it's a kid that only sleeps in her crib at a certain time in the day, well, it wears on me. (sure, amelia will fall asleep sans crib, but she has to be exhausted & then she won't sleep very long in that new location).

up until today i didn't really talk about this with a lot of others. today my friend, judy & i went to a nearby park with our wee ones. she has a 7 month old, elliott...he is just the picture of a cute baby boy, really. since he is so close to amelia's age, i can't help but see the differences in the two & judy & i have laughed about this often. i think today, as we walked home from the park & i was doing everything in my manipulative mama powers to keep adeline from melting down & as amelia screamed at the top of her lungs the.entire.way.home...& then i look over at ellilott who was already asleep in his stroller & who can fall asleep or eat anywhere b/c did i mention that millie nearlly always has to be in THE ROCKING CHAIR IN HER ROOM TO TAKE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE? anyway, as i saw the huge difference in these babies...i didn't laugh anymore. it seems i reached my breaking point & was ready to cry & yell & just lose it in general. thankfully, judy was there to distract my thoughts of 'why are my children so regimented? why are they so strong willed? why can't they be more flexible?' blah blah blah.

& so here it is: i can't wait for amelia's first birthday. i love her now, i love her like any parent loves & adores their baby-child...but i am looking forward to a time when she is less dependent on me for her every need. wes talks about this often with me. we of course, lull her to sleep when she wakes up at night from teething or earache pain...but we don't desire for life to be like this always.

even as i'm typing this i'm sorta getting teary-eyed b/c it's hard to admit that a mother doesn't desire to dote on her baby till the ends of the earth. i'm sure other parents feel this way...but often when i mention something like this to other parents, the reply is "just wait until they tell you they hate you or want a different mommy or talk back to you or move out or get something done to their body' or or or. funny thing is, i'm so sure that adeline has already told me in her way of talking that she hates me & wants a new mommy! she already has this slew of talk-back gibberish when i tell her something she doesn't like. & i sorta find it endearing! it proves to me that she is her own person with her own personality & thoughts. yea, a baby is telling me this by crying, but wow, do i find it more annoying, lol.

so what do i like about babies & about my girls as babies? well, i love the way they smell, yup, even the milk burps & summer heat sweaty-smell. love it, wish i could bottle it up & spray it on them until they turn 18. i love the look of learning something new (but i think that will continue as they mature, eh? let's hope so, lol!). i love the light-up-the-room smile when they see me in the morning (i KNOW tween or teen is not going to give me that!). i also love the rawness of their attitude; toddlers just tell you how it is, even if they can't talk (wait, i think teens do that also, wait, i think kids of all ages do that...). anyway, there are for sure more things i love about my girls, but i especially love that they are growing & maturing & will not depend on me to feed them, change the diapers, & pick their nose for much longer. i am cherishing this time as a mama little ones & i am trying to keep the good & even the not so good events fresh through this blog so i can look back & read all these stories & good times again & again. yes, i cherish my girls, there is no doubt about that...but i also don't think it's anti-mama love to hold onto the desire for preschool. i know, it goes by so fast, so hold onto them tight... hhmm, there has to be a medium point of view out there somewhere.