losing my mind

thanks to the jump start from my cortisol pill in the morning, i generally wake up feeling optimistic about what i can accomplish for the day. & that happened today. put powder in my ever-greasy, non washed hair (it just takes so long to wash, dry, & style my hair, about 90 minutes from start to finish...i wish, i wish i wish i had that hair that can just be washed & put some goop in it & then walk away...but the past few amazing stylists i've had told me that it's just not going to happen. unless i want to look like a frizzed out poof-ball. or grow my hair way out like i had it growing up...which then it's all flat & such, so that's not an option. i got this hair from my mom, so we moan about it together, just last week, actually). anyway, this post is not about hair. although it would be a *great* distraction.

so yes, i put some powder in my greasy hair, put some jeans, crew neck & sweater on & i looked pretty decent, really. ate some gorilla munch (which hurts my gums for some reason, must look into that...are my gums going to have to toughen up to corn & rice based foods as opposed to softer wheat flour?). take adeline to school & sorta look for my little notebook that carries my life & most recently my 3 new prescriptions & notes from dr im about which new supplement i'm to buy at raisin rack. but i can't find it anywhere. i called wes a few times, called my mom in case she saw it somewhere last thursday (yes, i have put off buying & filling prescriptions this long, but if you have been in our house the past week, you would understand. sick kids, remodeling, etc). this notebook is G-O-N-E.

so then i just start to cry. then sob, then i'm screaming obscenities at the world, in my empty house (amelia was still in her car seat b/c i still had this hope that i would turn around & there it would be, my notebook, just sitting on the counter. this did not happen). my mom mentioned something about a no-carb crash happening around today or tomorrow & i think that may be happening (combine with menstrual moods, & the high & low from the cortisol, then the not sleeping well--which is why i need to find that damn sleeping pill prescription!).

my plans of going to raisin rack then heading to barnes & noble to let amelia play with the train set while i start to read a 'gluten free diet' cookbook or book or something...those plans are gone b/c i am red & puffy-eyed, have the post-break down head ache, & am just blue.

really, take away my white flour & i am so, so, so sad. i could do vegetarian so much better. i know this may seem silly to some of you readers, how emotional i am. but, like i said, combine all of the crumminess that we're dealing with right now & voila, i bet you'd be pretty damn emotional also. seriously, how many diagnosis (what is the plural of that word? diagnosises? no, doesn't look right & spell check is saying the big n-o). anyway, how many diagnosis {sp, lol} can i get in one year? inflamed optic nerves due to german ancestry (or if we're being real, from the AN), then we have the acoustic neuroma (AN), then we have adrenal fatigue, then we have fibromyalgia (which is most likely a general diagnosis from both adrenal fatigue & gluten), then we have gluten intolerance (or, if we're being real, celiac). what next? maybe i can have my wisdom teeth pulled this year also! or maybe early onset alzheimer's...which would explain why i keep misplacing EVERYTHING.

folks, you don't have to read my rantings about this. i'm sorry, just do a skim if this bores you or makes you want to shake me or something. but i hate writing in an actual journal b/c my handwriting is so slow, so here it is, typed up for your viewing pleasure.

i feel a bit better now...must take my contacts out (why is it that after a cry my contacts get all foggy?), put some make up around my red, puffed eyes & hopefully head back out to raisin rack & try my hardest not to cry in public. *smile* wish me luck.