what you see below is...

...not from my own mri (b/c we don't own a scanner or i would just put my own image up here) but from someone off the internet. what it IS is a vestibular schwannoma. a tumor growing from the inner ear & in my case, growing into my brain. a brain tumor. (yea, holy *enter expletive*), this is my latest & greatest of the medical problems yet... i can barely type it still & my body just wants to bawl up & cry when i do type or say it. here's to flooding: i have a brain tumor. i have a brain tumor. (flooding does not work).

i got the news wednesday afternoon at the ENT appointment at osu medical center. turns out this dr really isn't just an ent, he's the chair of the department of otolaryngology & happens to be doing research about this exact type of brain tumor. wes & i couldn't find a sitter so he just stayed home with them while i went. i got the impression from the not so wonderful dr. katz, who called to tell me this via a freakin phone call (from osu, the optical neurologist who was investigating my eye issues & who ordered the mri, then didn't even look at them with me & called me 2 weeks later to tell me the results of a growth in my left ear). anyway, he gave me the impression that it was not really a big deal, that this dr. welling would check my ear, see if i had any hearing loss, maybe schedule me for a very routine, non-invasive procedure & i'd be on my way.

that is sooo not what happened. first, i have hearing loss in my left ear. nothing really significant, just to certain high pitched, soft sounds. i didn't think that was anything to get worked up about. then dr welling took me into his exam room, did a neurological exam on me (which involves me resisting pressure on body limbs & such) & then he talked to me extensively about my past medical history, like no one ever has before...in a good way. so then we go back to his actual office to look at the mri images on his computer & that's when i saw my brain & what he pointed to was so large that i thought it was just another part of the brain. but not so, friends, this was my tumor.

i held my emotions in pretty good while he started to explain to me what this tumor actually is & the options for treatment. there are 3 options: 1. observe through mri every 4-6 months to see if it's growing, etc. 2. radiation to the tumor to either shrink it or stop the growth. 3. surgery for removal. the best option for someone my age is option three, surgery, b/c more than likely it will continue to grow & radiation will only put off the inevitable surgery.

i am penciled in for removal, aka brain surgery, aka craniotomy, aka heidi-freaking-out, on july 28th. the wonderfully nice executive secretary for dr welling talked to me for about 30 minutes after dr welling's time with me was over (he also had a doc-in-training with him, dr yates was his name) & she calmed me down every time my eyes welled up with tears. she joked with me about the surgery, which sounds heartless, but was actually very needed right then. she mentioned that i will be a very popular patient b/c everyone is always interested when this type of surgery is going on. she said i'll be in the middle of a team of dr's who are looking out for me.

then i signed my tumor away, donating it to science to be cut up & poked & prodded "to better society" as the research lady said. then they joked that i probably didn't want to take it home, especially since it will be covered in blood & stuff & i had mentioned my phobia of needles & blood already.

the tumor is 10.2mm by 13.9mm, as of april 20th, 2009 at 4:06 p.m. it may have grown since then. i'm not sure what is next besides i do have to call to confirm that i do want this surgery. which i'm pretty sure i do. it's just that the risks of complications from surgery, from removing something that has been festering with my brain/neck nerves for maybe 5 years could mess up other things, such as the hearing in my left ear, facial muscles (paralysis) & then i will have a very hard time walking for awhile. "awhile" could be a week or it could be upwards of a month or more.

here is a link to anyone who's interested in reading up on my (freakin) brain tumor:
http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/hearing/acoustic_neuroma.asp
i feel like i need to give it an official name. like henry or joe. for some reason all the names that come to me are male, so i guess maybe i don't think tumors are female? hhmm.

& here is a link to the osu medical center website to check out my doc (dr bradley welling). he's the chair of the department! hi-ho!
http://medicalcenter.osu.edu/research/department/otolaryngology/Pages/index.aspx

folks, i'm having a really super duper hard time with this information, this pending surgery. nearly every time i say to myself: i have a brain tumor, i cry. i cried immediately when i woke up this morning. i cried until we decided to leave the house. keeping my mind busy & off the topic at hand is a really good thing. i may even get into cleaning finally! lol. my parents hustled down here last night to comfort us & give us some respite from the daily grind with the girls. addy is with them until saturday, which she is STOKED about.

tomorrow's plans begin with finding someone to write me a prescription for a zanix or something of the like b/c if this anxiety keeps up, i will have a heart condition to deal with as well! i'm not going to go into detail of all the horrific roads my imagination is taking me down, but i need to feel god now more than ever. so if you're a praying person (& even if you're not, do it anyway, damn it), pray for me, that god will give me peace & comfort & a clear head. that the surgeons will be top notch & complications minimal.

i am really bummed about this. i was really envisioning this summer being one free of illness & full of time spent outdoors, being together as a family, etc. & now i will spend probably 6-ish weeks inside, maybe even in bed (if my balance is slow coming back to life). i was asking for a bike with a trailer for my birthday (in mid july) & now i may not even be able to ride a bike again for awhile. it's all messed up & if i miss amelia's first birthday b/c i have a head turban on, i'm going to be pissed (yea, i'll more likely be depressed, but we'll deal with that then).

if it was not for that first crappy eye exam that forced me to go to yet another eye doctor, who noticed my inflamed optic nerves, who then sent me to see an optical neurologist, who suggested i get an mri done...well, i would have no idea that this was going on, that this tumor was growing into my brain. okay, except for the near-constant ringing in my ear & the painful headaches & ear tenderness, & dizziness & imbalance. lol. but i was dealing with it, ya know?

a mama adventure post.

for those who don't know or haven't seen me in a while: this is me......at a bachelorette party last friday night. & who might be the bride of honor?

christine! (see below). (yes, i do post wonderful pictures, eh?!)

i met christine at indiana wesleyan university. i will tell that story on her birthday post, coming up in about 6 weeks. anyway, christine is getting married this saturday! yippee!!!

below is a picture of christine with my sister (we are both friends with christine thanks to our living situation when i was in college...you know, one side of a double in clintonville/osu area + 4 or 5 women = getting to know each other, probably better than we had anticipated. like how all the ladies found out through some interesting encounters that i have no problem going to the bathroom with the door open. well, now everyone knows! lol...)

& this is holli, who frequents my blog. she's a rock star! duppa-da! (say that really fast to yourself in a whisper voice: holli, duppa-da!). in reality, holli is not a rock star, but is a legal aide/assistant/faux lawyer/missionary/wonderful friend/jokester. i will also tell her story on her birthday. WHICH IS ALSO MY BIRTHDAY! (yes, we share the same birthday, but i am one year her elder, as you can tell from my words of wisdom that i often impart to her). & oh yea, that's her boyfriend, aaron. or as i call him: high-school-spanish-facebook-friend (b/c they went to high school together, i think with a few years difference, he & holli both speak spanish, & they re-met on facebook awhile ago & started dating; hence, the name i have for him. i think holli finds this name annoying, lol. sorry! i have my quirks, you have yours). by the way, holli's name is NOT spelled: H-A-W-L-E-Y. as this old dude at the front gate at my parent's home which is in a small gated community out in the middle of no-where-ohio thought. i think the gate is in place to keep predators out, like lucky dinasours & prairie lions who have escaped extinction. anyway! this is a picture of holli & her duuude.

& this is a picture of the party at hounddog's pizza! missing is judy b/c she is the picture-taker. as she always is! yes, i was posing for this picture for some reason & christine is across from me saying something like 'hey you schmuck, smile'.
there are two ladies in the picture whom i don't know very well, so i'm not going to post discriminating pictures of them. b/c i will see them at the wedding on saturday & i want them to not think of me as a rude person. ??

& yes, this is a penis cake made my judy, in the middle of the table....i think by this time we had eaten a few pieces.
another picture of the bride to be, this time opening a lingerie gift. woo-hoooo!

judy questioning the logistics of the pickle-game.

in honor of christine, we ate dessert first that night. i made whoopie! pies, which are so yummilicious. especially if you freeze them & eat them like an ice cream sandwich.

& that's it for the pictures. i got home around 2 a.m. saturday morning & was exhausted! but thankfully i planned ahead & invited my mother in law here for the night/morning so wes & i could sleep in (wes was one of the designated drivers, as was holli's high-school-spanish-facebook-man) & i slept until 10:30! yea yea.

***

what else?
well, we made it to the gym this morning. the girls slept in until 7:30 this morning, so it was a good day to start going to the gym again, as amelia would be alert & not so grumpy. i haven't been able to go for about 5 weeks, since amelia's nose started running like crazy. but i don't care about that anymore, now that we know it's probably from allergies...she has nothing to pass on to other kids. let them wipe her snot! i want to work out! i told them about her diaper rash & asked them to check her diaper frequently for pooiness & they said they would with a very reassuring smile, but after i picked them up, 50 minutes later, i checked her diaper & sure enough, there was a little hunk of poo & a bright red bottom. ggggggrrrrrrrr.

but i enjoy going to the gym, even if i'm hardly working out. i have more energy on the days i work out in the morning, my head is able to clear & i get to listen to MY music. i have found that for working-out purposes that r&b/rap works best. my favorites are mary j blige, jurassic 5, the roots, eminem, kanye west, alicia keys, lauryn hill, beyonce, ciarra...& i think that's all i have on my mp3 player right now. then there's the oldies songs that i like & attribute a few of them to my kiddoes & other indie rock stuff. there's U2 on there for wes, when he uses the mp3 player, & a few other random songs/artists (like bjork, the shins, & a few others off of the juno & garden state soundtrack). really, i don't have the time to find new music/artists, so i just keep listening to the same old, same old. but that's okay.

as a side-thought, i do think a person can be a feminist & listen to rap/r&b. sure some of the songs are not flattering on women, but while working my first real job i shadowed another social worker who listened to these genres of music & she & i had several conversations about how this affects women & also the ideas behind the lyrics & what is exaggerated & sung to be ironic & such. i guess before then i had never dug beyond the surface of the music into the 'industry' or whatever. plus, there are many rock songs that are very disugstingly against women, as well, & most (white) people don't think anything about singing along with them... anyhoo, another topic for another post another time.

***

today is going to be a day that i don't even attempt to put addy down for a nap. i think it has something to do with me not even having the get-up-&-go to put her down. b/c i have been TRYING to get amelia to sleep for 50 minutes now. the whole going into her room, picking her up, rocking & singing to her. amelia falls asleep on me. i put her in the crib. she starts wailing immediately. i calm her down a bit, then i whisper 'night night baby' at which time she starts wailing again. i walk out & listen to her cry as i'm trying to pick up toys & other stuff strewn about the house. lately it has been so difficult to get her to sleep, i have no clue why. why why why... she is not the cry it out type at all, we have discovered. it just worked with adeline, but with amelia, she will have the most restless sleep after she's cried for any period of time. it's so frustrating...

***

& i just started reading (per suggestion from several folks) the time traveler's wife. i'm into about chapter 3 maybe & so far i am really liking it! it sort of reminds of what is going on in lost right now (wes & i have around 7 episodes left of the season! we had to take an few weeks' intermission to finish out bedroom painting, though, sniff sniff).

***

& what things has melted my heart lately?
hearing addy laugh at cartoons. she has just seemed to get really interested in tv & i think that's just a-okay with me. she has been such a rambuctious kid so far, not wanting to sit still for even 1 minute that her concentrating on a tv show for awhile each day is a good thing. i mean, i tried to get her to watch tv since 6 months old, with those stupid baby einstein movies! she would just look at them & cry. it seemed she was thinking 'where's my exersaucer? where's my rattle? get me away from that thing!' no worries folks, she still plays outside & inside for most of the day. she is simply learning about the joy of entertainment right now.

another heart melter? amelia sleeping. for obvious reasons, like peace & quiet & time to myself. but also just watching her sleep. she smacks her lips a lot when asleep & she also has this tiny little sighs & finger movements that go along with them. like she's strumming her fingers in the air. & i get to admire how beautiful she is, of course.

want more? amelia's baby hugs. they are very loose but very very aggressive. she'll crawl right up to me, beg & cry & claw at me until i pick her up (sorta sounds like a puppy??!) then she'll hold onto my shoulders with her wee arms for nearly 30 seconds maybe. then she's done & wants down. amelia: "just letting you know i love you, mama".

& more? laying on the grass with addy, discussing what we hear, see, smell, feel. we did this last night & also a few days ago in our yard. she's taking it all in, learning, learning, learning. watching adeline love on others, especially her sister. telling adeline 'i love you' & then responds in her babble: yea yea yea.

***

& i will leave you with this story.

amelia has diarrhea & a nasty diaper rash. so we've been doing diaper off time a lot the past few days. yesterday was going well, so i decide to do some no diaper time. amelia's crawling around like crazy, getting into things & peeing a bit here & there. no big deal. spray a little vinegar & water & scrub for a minute & it's gone. then i am busy doing something, in the same room. i hear the poo grunt & run to get the cloth diaper under her bottom. i didn't make it in time. that's okay, i think, she nearly always poos in two's. so i put the cloth under her bottom again & wait & wait for nearly a minute. i finally come to my senses as i'm wondering why amelia isn't pooing again...i realize that she's playing with something in front of her, that's how she's stayed so still. i peek around her body to see what she's so interested in. there, my friends, is the FIRST poo pile. amelia is happilly playing in her green, slimy, diarrhea pile. it's on her face, hair, clothes, arms, legs. she's playing in it like mud, smacking it, smearing it, swirling it. lovely.

come to find out, this green poo does not come out of carpet.

inappropriate

addy has a new favorite thing to do: strip down outside. apparently running around naked, going down the slide naked (ya...OUUUCH?!), sitting in the water table naked...you get the picture. it usually happens when a neighbor is outside in their backyard watering their flowers or sitting at their patio table sipping wine or lemonade, enjoying a nice afternoon/evening drink. then -wammo- there's a our nearly 3 year old girlie streaking around, saying 'hi' to them. lovely. if no one else was out, i guess i wouldn't see that much of a problem with it. i mean, i've seen our male neighbors & my own hubby walking around outside without a shirt & just boxers on, so this isn't so different? maybe it is. whaddyathink? inappropriate or a right of passage into older-kidhood? i remember walking down to my grandma's in just my red moon boots (thankfully she only lived 4 houses down!).

***
now for amelia. since her 2nd front/top tooth has poked through, she has reverted back to her amazingly wonderful & happy baby self. smiling, cooing, clapping, loving on us with hugs...it's spectacular & i never want her to get another tooth again! but the poor baby also has some diarrhea problems right now, which has also given her a nasty diaper rash. but she's still fairly calm about it all ("my butts on fire, but i don't care, my butts on fire, but i dooon't caaaaarrrreee, i'm wishing you a happy day annnyyywwway" = the song i pretend she's singing to me as she does her pitiful attempt at babble-singing).

***
4th groundhog eating our plants episode. we are running out of extra starts. & recently it ate wes' prized lemon tomato plant. the war is on. wes now is feeling very proactive about this situation & is ignoring my idea of introducing ourselves to the neighbors & asking them to put out a live-catch trap to take their groundhogs away. he now wants to kill them. which i agree, but it's not a feasible plan. any thoughts?

***
i have decided that i'm very happy with our decision to switch churches now (from central vineyard to 'big' vineyard aka vineyard of columbus). it's so close to us, addy is now staying in the classroom the entire time, as is amelia...also, i am amazed at the racial diversity! it's like we left a mostly white church 4 years ago to move to boise & came back after a year at cv to find a church that seems half white, half black. which is very very cool indeed...& the music changes took some sundays to get used to, but now i am really enjoying the choir & more gospel songs integrated into the worship. anyway, i just wanted to throw that out there. so to answer jennifer stauffer's question: yep, we do go to big vineyard & addy is there, tearing it up with her own put together outfits.

***

after a few hours of this post resting on the screen, a few things have changed: both girls are giving readings of 100 degree fevers. addy complains of belly ache. both are sweaty & grumpy. here we go!

amelia also took an entire jar of baby food for lunch! what a sneaky kid. i talked to the pediatrician's nurse who said to give her bananas (amelia) to help stop the runs (apparently diarrhea is a very odd side effect for the allergy medication, but it's recommended we stop it just to be sure, for a few days). so i looked at the bananas we had in our fruit/veggie bowl & thought yuck as the fruit flies were swarming around the brown, shriveled 1 1/2 bananas. so i dug out the baby food jars that i had placed aside to give away, thinking, well, if amelia doesn't eat them, addy will. she gobbled the entire jar like a baby bird. she also let me feed her some mashed potatoes! for those who haven't tried to spoon feed amelia in the last 3 months, let's just say it's nearly impossible. but today, she let me. so...she must be sick?!

***

& here's a funny me story: last night i woke up around 1:45 a.m. & was in panic! i was looking all over the room (from the perch in my bed) for amelia, who i thought was pooping & then also eating her poop. i woke up wes with an urgent request: 'find amelia & get her to stop eating her poop!' once i said it aloud to wes, it sounded ridiculous to me & i knew i was dreaming. so after wes looked at me like i was crazy, i said something along the lines of 'forget it' & tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't...

cold summer

this week has been a tid bit chilly around ohio. but that's okay! i love it. perfect for not turning the a/c on, still needing a heavy blanket at night...& for painting your bedroom & then also being able to sleep in that bedroom. yes, wes is hard at work finishing our bedroom painting project. we are now to the closet. meaning, all of our clothes are homeless & mostly strewn about it 2 different rooms. getting dressed is like going on a scavenger hunt. you know, {heidi} 'think, where would wes place my belts? if i was wes, i would put my wife's belts *here*. nope, not there, maybe, *here*. nope...'

what is also in disrepair in our house? our master bathroom sink. it has a rusted through under-part that leaks. we can't use it until wes also finds time to fix it. so we are sharing a bathroom with the girls which really has no negative consequences at all. actually, their bathroom is closer to our bed than ours! except maybe that addy likes to take our toothbrushes & toothpaste & brush her teeth. but that's usually worse for her, who is not used to the crest-adult-style toothpaste. she smacks her lips for about 10 minutes after these adventures in adult toothpaste land.

& this is a gross story, prepare to say "ewwww"!!!!
two days ago, as i was reading something online while amelia was napping & addy was finishing her poop-n-watch tv time, which coincides with me putting amelia down for a nap. i was very interested in what i was reading, apparently, b/c addy was making some noises to get my attention & i was mostly oblivious. i heard her, but i was like 'just a second addy, mama is reading...' then she walks over to me with something in her hand: a turd! adeline had this look of 'what am i to do with this smelly gooey object that is normally in my pull up?' she had poo-ied all the way out the back of her pull-up & it fell onto the floor with a near silent *splat*...addy had maybe tried to pick it up with her book (goodnight moon, which i may never read again although i attempted to disinfect it several times already). there was poo coming out of her pull up still. i said to her "don't move & for sure don't give me that thing in your hand!" i lifted her, facing me (like i want that butt in my face as i carry her to change the butt!). it was an exercise of strength, to carry a kid at arm's length up the stairs as she is trying to investigate the interesting *turd* in her hand. looking back, i should've just made her put it in the toilet downstairs, but what fun would that have been?

anyway, amelia is a DJ! at her cousins' birthday party a few weeks ago, they were given a keyboard as a gift. the twins thought it was cool, but then moved on to opening other gifts, as all kids do. amelia was fixated on that keyboard & began playing with it. she was really quite good at creating music. so when we got home, i made a point to get our keyboard out & show her that her family is cool too & has a fun toy such as the twins. ever since i showed it to her, she goes for it several times a day, playing with all the different sounds & beats & keyboards. she's doing it right now! then she bops around a wee bit like a baby would to music & has this look of 'hhmm, maybe i should slow the tempo down a bit? add a bit more drums?' then sometimes addy will meander into amelia's dj space & start to either take it away, so she can naturally play with it, or start to dance. do they have rhythm, you may be thinking? nah, they're my girls! they look like elaine from seinfeld, just like wes & i do when dancing...we suck! but, they love to dance & i hope to never take that away from them (in fact, i do plan on sending them to a dancing class or two so they don't look sooo out of it at a large public school dance where kids can be oh so mean). so, yes, my 9 month old has talent, a promising future. i've heard that female dj's are the next big thing.

***

so, good news on the speech therapy front! addy's speech therapist called & she had a drop-out for the expressive speech delay summer playgroup (yes, there is such a thing!). her speech therapist immediately thought of adeline as the replacement...which is amazing & wonderful & answers so many prayers. i have been a bit worried about how i was to get two things accomplished: #1 find adeline a playgroup with more than a few kids her near exact age #2 find kids who will not make her feel embarrassed or odd b/c she doesn't talk (she is now starting to understand that she doesn't talk as well as other kids her age & we can see that she is getting embarrassed & sometimes teary-eyed...such as not wanting to go into the church classroom b/c she can't interact as everyone else does). anyway! we've overheard a few kids ask her, in a kid-interested-way 'why don't you talk?' & since addy can understand language better than most kids her age, she knows what these kids are asking or saying about her. it's sad, but i don't think these kids are being mean, just curious. sometimes, maybe being purposefully mean, but usually not. anyway! she's in this playgroup now & apparently there is this other girl nearly addy's exact age with about the same amount of words & the speech therapist said she would love to see addy & this other girl set up private playgroups...we shall see! it starts mid-june & goes for 8 weeks. we're stoked, i tell you. good news, good news.

***
& now amelia has found her way over to me & is holding onto my legs, crying. time for nap.

one more thing:

last night, i decided to take a walk with griswold. as i was walking, talking (on the phone to my dad), & somehow managed not to be pulled everywhere by griswold...well, my crappy day took a turn for the worse.

a bird pooped on my shoulder. it dripped down my shirt. gross.

a crappy day ending with being shit on.

*SIGH*

mind exhaustion

first, to bombard you with pictures.

amelia squishing a strawberry.

big bear hug. check out their berry faces.

amelia, happiest near the berries.

addy giving a nice love pat to amelia who was just fed an enormous whole strawberry & didn't panic & choke, but rather chewed like crazy.

addy's berry face.

amelia & daddy before church on sunday

addy's outfit that she picked out for church! she is always so proud of her outfits.

addy & momma on saturday, going to target (then me to get my hair cut! new do folks! much shorter). anyway, addy picked out her outfit that day also & then using hand signals & gestures, told me exactly how she wanted me to do her hair...like princess laya (spelling?) but with poofy hair ribbons. what a girlie. she was smiling non stop after i was finished, though.

another look at her hair up-do of choice.

***

my brain is on, all the time. well, obviously, it's on all the time, but the past few days it's thinking all the what-if questions about a mile a minute.
what if amelia is allergic to griswold?
how will we tell addy why griswold has to leave us?
where would griswold go?
how long will we have to wait for speech therapy?
when we will know if addy has a more serious problem?(called "apraxia", more about that later)
what if addy doesn't qualify for the westerville preschool, where will she go so late notice & with a severe speech delay?
what if amelia is allergic to dust? will i have to spend an hour each day cleaning? will we need to spend thousands of dollars replacing carpet, flooring, upholstery?

i could go on, filling pages of my blog with these questions. i need to stop, i know! i'm wondering if some wonderful anti-axiety meds is what i need right now. there's this appointment i have with an ENT next week to check out some problems with my ears & then more people were let go at wes' job yesterday. i can't sleep all night, even though my kids usually are sleeping all night. i just don't want to think anymore!

***
after that wonderfully positive blurb...some of you may be calling your therapists to set up an appointment for me with them, lol! really, there is just very stressful things going on here & i need to stop worrying. easy enough.

today i'm taking the girls to franklin park conservatory for a picnic lunch with their aunt kristi (who works downtown, quite the big to-do "director" at children's hospital...next week she gets to meet with this lady who used to be an african ambassador for the united nations. next week i get to meet with the westerville school district special education teacher! comparable...?). anyway, wes & i got married at the franklin park conservatory, so this will be a fun place to take them to every once in awhile & tell them how we got married there & watch them roll their eyes, like 'big deal mom & dad'. but i'm happy to torture them, i guess.

amelia is now a speed crawler! she is zooming from room to room, checking everything out. there's a path of destruction following her & adeline has taken it upon herself to be amelia's babysitter. addy will walk in front of her, picking up little pieces of paper or a tiny hair barrette or anything & say to herself "no no b a-yea" (no no baby amelia) & then place this stuff on the kitchen counter for me to dispose of. if amelia is playing with something she's not allowed to, like the remote, addy will take it away from her, saying again 'no no b a-yea' & then give her another toy. if millie attempts to climb up the slide (there are painful consequences to amelia climbing up the slide), addy will *pull* her down in some amazing wrestling move & will usually try to make amelia stop crying from her take-down by tickling her. this adeline is a very protective older sister!

yesterday i finally had enough of the 'MINE MINEMINE NONONONO' shouts from addy towards amelia about certain toys. so i told addy that if she wants to play with something alone, she has to take it into her bedroom & if amelia starts following her, addy must shut her door if she wants to play with this special toy alone. so adeline did just that! she took her animal vet clinic toy, gathered up all the pieces & *sprinted* to her bedroom, shutting the door. she then played in there all by herself, babbling away with her imaginative play for about half an hour. it just made me laugh b/c amelia looked devastated! so i compensated by playing with the singing-baaing lamb (a favored toy).

***

okay, i've distracted myself with good stories, now to tell the results of addy's speech evaluation yesterday. sigh. she was shown to be 6 months ahead of her age for speech & language comprehension. she was mastering age 4 questions with some slight deliberation, which was so cute to watch (addy would go "hhhmmm????" & raise her finger to her mouth when thinking! like i said, CUTE!). she also was tested to be at least 1 year behind in expressive speech (words that she says, or expresses). both of those we knew fairly well already. she's a smarty pants, but she doesn't talk well.

what i didn't expect was to hear that the speech pathologist suspects that addy may have apraxia...which is a neurological disorder. basically, her speech neurons are firing to her facial muscle receptors & the two are not connecting. so she know what she wants to say, but her mouth isn't getting the message, so she isn't able to say the words...causing MUCH frustration. this is a disorder that takes more than a few sessions to assuredly diagnose a kid with. if addy does have this, she has a very mild case, thankfully. kids with severe or moderate apraxia never learn to talk fully & need help with a computer to communicate.

i keep telling myself that this is just another round of a severe diagnosis hanging over our heads that will soon be proven wrong. like me with inflamed optical nerves or ms... just one more thing to worry about for a few weeks or months & then find out *poof* everything is mostly fine. so i'm really trying not to get worked up about this, especially b/c children's hospital is so backed up with speech therapists that adeline won't be able to be seen again for quite some time (months).

which brings up another frustrating thing: why can't speech people get their ass in gear & get kids in sooner?! speech delays & impediments can have life-long implications...such as introversion, low self esteem, inability to make friends, anxiety, etc etc. i keep hearing from several people that it took a very long time for someone they know to get speech therapy. why?! i know it's not life-threatening, but should that matter? i don't expect people to get up & run around in panic just b/c my daughter has a speech delay, but heavens to betsy, can't they see her before preschool starts?!

again, it was reiterated that i can look around at private speech therapists & see if our insurance will pay for their services & i will for sure do that. until then, we are going to start learning preschool versions of sign language (which has been recommended by everyone since this started), so i will get back to everyone on how that's going. apparently this speech pathologist says that addy is very receptive & even taught her a few signs yesterday in 10 minutes. i mean, i'm a trained social worker, i have the basic understanding...i guess even if i have to drop amelia off at the gym day care & then addy & i will sit in the playground/lobby area & do some sign/speech therapy...so be it.

isn't there an advocacy group for parents with kids with speech delays? a therapy group?! lol.

***

we are not wanting to think about amelia being allergic to griswold, but the more we study her snot & eye itching situation, the more it seems connected to when she's in direct & indirect contact with the dog. like i said, let's avoid talking about that so i won't cry this early in the morning.

***

so if amelia has allergies, my kids will have forced the following on me:
eating peas
eating green beans
cleaning on a daily basis
dusting on a weekly basis
not reading all day long on a weekend day
not making cinnamon rolls from scratch
having the ability to ignore a crying child for about 20 minutes (hint: amelia in her jumperoo right now...keeps her contained, but very unhappy about it)
allowing the tv to be on when i'm not watching it (addy has discovered the wonder of pbs cartoons this week. my fav is sid the science kid)

& now i'm typing with amelia on my lap & she really likes it when i sing 'the lone ranger' type songs & move my legs like she's riding a horse. she just lays her head back on my shoulder & smiles up at me like i'm the best mama in the world. & i smile & hum louder.

sid the science kid is asking right now: can you smell things that are far away? gabriella's response: my uncle's socks. see, it's a funny show!

another medical post

if you don't want to hear about our latest medical saga, just ignore this post, lol!

we took both the girls in to their pediatrician this morning...addy is getting more croup symptoms & we don't want to go through another 911/er visit anytime soon. amelia's snot situation & irritated eyes are worse. *hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to the doctor's we go* (yes, i do think when i have less than desirable sleep i start reciting children's song or book lyrics, but i won't put you through another sandra boynton adaptation, not today).

today was a very good visit with our ped. she listened & gave us honest & more thorough advice, which was needed & appreciated & really in her (our ped's) favor b/c i was ready to **go off** if we got the 'it's just a virus' answer. ya know, can amelia really have a cold for 6 weeks & it not be reason for concern? this was our first dual-appointment & it was confusing at first, but being the smart parents we are, we caught on quick. lol.

so amelia may have allergies to...griswold. seriously, this is a sad sad thing to consider. i had been thinking allergies, but animal allergies didn't even occur to me. the reason the ped thinks dog allergies is b/c since this is her first spring season, it's not likely that she would already have developed an allergy to pollen, grass clippings, etc. it would be something that she's constantly been exposed to for some time now, such as a dog (or, in griswold's defense, it could be something like dust as well...which reminds me that the last time i dusted in her room was, well...before she was born?! the chipper house cleaner's who came a few months post millie delivery dusted her room, so it's been about 6 months maybe? ooops. put that on the to-do list, eh?). anyway, she has a prescription & samples for an allergy medication to take for a few weeks & see how she responds. the ped didn't want to say for sure it would be the dog, but she did say that's really the only thing it could be at this time... when she said that, i looked at wes & saw the horrific look on his face & i swear i saw tears welling in his eyes. it would be a very sad sad day if we had to get rid of griswold... so...that's the amelia file.

the adeline file is a bit more complex, so i won't go into detail, but we have been given an ongoing prescription for steroids (croup) & antibiotics (sinus infection). she has an order to have blood work done to determine exactly what she's allergic to & thankfully it's a blood test & not the skin-prick test. i was fairly little when my sister had her skin-prick test done, but i remember it very well & really appreciate the advances in medicine! one needle prick compared to a full board of them sounds much better & less traumatizing... & we were given answers about why she keeps getting croup & that it's not directly related to asthma & allergies, but they are checking that anyway.

we talked about her ear & speech situations & got some good info. i think we are going to just call columbus speech & hearing & set up a hearing evaluation thing with them at this point, just to get that second opinion. but the chances are, since they were able to do all the tests on her fro the 2nd hearing test (b/c she refused half the stuff the first time), the 2nd hearing test results are the accurate ones. which is a relief. & apparently kids with 'expressive speech disorder' = late talker.

then i also just talked with the 'help me grow' lady & got some answers. as in, addy probably will not be able to get speech therapy until preschool starts in the fall! whhhaaat? we can get connected with a private speech therapist, but they usually have such long wait lists that it would be nearly pointless (the wait list would probably be months out). tomorrow is her speech evaluation with children's hospital & hopefully they will step up to their country-wide recognition as a great hospital & give us some proactive help! b/c i'm thinking that my mood will not improve by tomorrow & my ability to *go off* on a medical professional will also not have diminished (sad to say, lack of sleep & two very grumpy sick kids & still being sick myself = short fused heidi/mama bear). the help me grow lady suggested i get addy involved in playgroups & get her socializing more, as in, daily socializing... is she trying to tell me to put her in day care?! so that goes out to all the moms out there who struggle with the fact of sending their kids to day care...i have just been sort of told that my daughter would benefit from something like day care! there you go, let free that guilt! lol. anyway, while she was telling me this i am thinking that addy is sick a lot & i have a problem exposing her to other kids & passing along her illnesses & viruses, so that creates a problem. hhmm.

sidenote: did you know that sinuses don't develop until a child is around age 2?! isn't that crazy. i had no idea. which is why addy is diagnosed with a sinus infection & amelia isn't. hhm.

addy escaped the confines of the house this morning while i was getting amelia dressed (yes, we need adult-eye-level deadbolts installed asap on all outside doors!). she went directly to the strawberry patch & picked herself a handful, ate them, then carried two ripe ones in for amelia & i (they were rather squished, so, not very edible, but the thoughtfulness is kind of her.) but during this escape she also managed to scratch her arms up pretty good on the hop vines (which are prickly & rough) & we didn't notice this until we were in the ped's office...when the ped starts asking addy to take her clothes off to check for signs of abuse, that's when i'll get worried, lol.

must go make a 2nd pbj for my adeline.