what the hell.

the past 15 hours i have felt like a did 2 months ago: like shit. really, like someone was squeezing my head & shoulders so hard that i was being crapped out of a large arsehole. which makes me a wee bit grumpy & just plain pissed about it all.

just last sunday in church rich nathan (pastor) was talking about how you can tell if people 'get' the gospel by how they react in a crisis, or when death is near, or when you feel like you're being pushed out of an arsehole (the last one is my personal interpretation, *smile*). at the time i remembered how peaceful i felt coming out of surgery; if i died i was so happy to meet jesus & felt peace about leaving my family. thankfully, that didn't happen, but i was ready, if that makes any sense. i was at peace with my life & things ending if it was to go that way.

so crapper of craps, where is that peace today? i don't think i'm dying, golly *no*. but i just feel sooo, you know, bad. i am so excited for our lives to return to normal w/ a functioning mom & wife in the house. so when i return to non-functioning, sitting in the darkest room shooing away my kids with a heating pad wrapped around my neck...i just feel pissed about it. one of the women on my soaking prayer team mentioned that god was saying i didn't think i would be healed fully, that i wouldn't return to pre-surgery heidi. & it's true, i don't think i will be as strong (physically), & i don't think my hearing will return or the ringing in my ear will go away & i don't think these daily morning headaches will stop & the killer migraines & not being able to feel half my face. b/c it all keeps coming & going. i do believe one or more things will be healed, but i have never had this vision of me being what i used to be. & that thought is just pounding into my head this morning: is this what it's going to be like always for me? is this a thorn in my flesh? how will i deal with this stuff if this is, indeed, the rest of my life? where is hope? peace?

sorry for this pissy post, folks. it just helps to write about it, i guess. i don't feel up to crying on someone's shoulder in person b/c that would mean admitting defeat in some way. i dunno what's up with me. denial? hhmmm... really, the only thing i can hope for is healing. whether it is emotional, the kind that will make me accept the healing that has already taken place & be okay & able to deal with my current situation (for the next 40 year?! if so, okay. really?!). or prayer that god would intervene & heal it all. wow, that would be awesome. so if you are a praying person, please pray that my family & i l feel more peace & less frustration. & that i would stop feeling like a squished piece of poo.

***

maybe i shouldn't have watched cnn news this morning about families digging their loved ones out of the earthquake rubble in haiti. that thought just can't leave my brain. i can't imagine that pain & loss. ugh, i just wish i could be there, helping, handing out water or doing *something* besides sitting here in my 67 degree house bemoaning my own problems.

the angst of it all...