moving on

that's what i hope to do over the next 6-8 weeks: move on from this constant weight of *yuck* that has been plaguing me (brain tumor news, followed by the surgery, then followed by adrenal fatigue). i am so very ready to wake up & not take inventory of how my muscles feel, where it hurts on what level & then look at the clock the first time my arms feel like they are being pulled in opposite directions by two semis (sorry, that is just the perfect example of what it feels like).

i think i've had a glimpse of what is to come the past few days & i like it. baking a bit, not crumbling under pressure (from kids), only needing 10-15 minutes to rest when wes gets home (soon, maybe i won't need to rest, eh?). when i was pregnant i always said the best thing pregnancy did for me was make me appreciate my non-pregnancy body even more, meaning 'wow! did i feel so much better not pregnant, can't wait until i'm there again.' & i have that thought again, but this time 'wow, i can't wait until i feel normally healthy' ...

what this blip of illness has brought is an insight into chronic pain, chronic illness that most people my age do not experience. so i guess i'm taking it upon myself to let everyone know: it sucks! lol, but seriously, that quote or thought that youth is wasted on the young? well, i sorta understand that before, took advantage of my health...never again. it's not right to feel geriatric at the age of 29. (but, as a plus for wes, he has been able to see what our life will be like in 50 years, with me his geriatric wife on arthritis medicine & low energy levels. he says its not so bad. really?).

so i was at the gym doing my elliptical work out. i've now worked up to 18 minutes & have upped myself to level 7 (that used to be the level that i started/warmed up on...now it's my max out! see, things i didn't appreciate before!). lady #1 beside me gets down & starts to talk with lady #2 walking by...lady #1 says with a serious laugh "wow boy, i was starting to sweat, time to get off" & gives a disgusted look at the elliptical. lady #2 gives an odd laugh, like seriously? (lady #2 is quite the hard core work out person, sweat is just part of the package for her). lady #1 then goes around the gym, talking with others & laughing, lady #2 starts puffing beside me on her elliptical, sweating probably after minute 2. they are both around the same age...it just struck me, the difference of opinion & well, working out takes sweating. why even try if you're not willing to sweat?! so that's what i'm thinking about getting healthy: why try if i'm not willing to do everything in my power to feel better (including all the annoying stretching & then getting & actually reading this book recommended by dr im {adrenal fatigue}, then super-actually taking the advice of the author...

i have yet to put all these thoughts into a coherence mind view or theory or whatever, but there's sort of the idea that i'm tired of being this 'victim' ... i want to have the energy to play with my girls, doing fun things with them. *then* still having energy to talk & hang out with wes (without this look of exhaustion on my face) & then maybe even, then, do some volunteering for a church ministry. or something! something other than blogging about how i feel like shit b/c that is getting old & annoying! *smile* (now, to get ready for an appointment with a neurologist! fun times)