better day.

i got a call from my dad at 9:24 a.m. this morning. i assumed he was calling to tell me they were just leaving the house to come down to columbus for a visit...but he said 'tell adeline to look out the window!' & we looked out the window to find them in our driveway already! adeline gave the appropriate grandparent surprise visit: *hands over mouth* "GUH GUH, PUH [which is 'gram-mum, pop-pop' in adeline language]" *LOUD LAUGHTER & EXUBERANT SHOUTING*.

adeline & amelia had a wonderful day with them. everyone was laughing & happy & giggly. i think i let myself relax a bit more as well. it helped that i was able to go out to lunch with a delightful friend (christine!) to a delightful place (chipotle!) & then make a quick target run for necessary diapers & desitin. adeline had such a fun filled morning that she actually took a 2 hour nap! i got home around 3:30 & the house was so quiet. it was nice. too bad i can't get the house to be this quiet (how do grandparents do that?).

i talked to my eye dr this afternoon. i just love her already. she was very understanding of my freaking out-edness & said she didn't want to assume anything b/c she doesn't know for sure which way this will go (serious problem vs. non-serious problem) & she went through the trouble of explaining it all to me again & even answering questions before i asked them. i think i have more of an understanding of what all the possibilities are: #1 my eyes could just be normally this weird #2 very small particulates could be attaching themselves to my nerves (stuff from make up or face wash or iud hormones & a variety of other environmental stuff) #3 the nerve is inflammed & swollen from pressure or infection or a disease (ms, thyroid, tumor). so that's what i'm up against & i will know for sure (so says this eye doc) which of the three is the issue after the appointment with the optical neurologist on monday.

i am staying away from google & all medical websites from now until then! but i would of course still appreciate prayers that god would calm my nerves (figuratively & literally!) & whatever it is, i will be able to handle.

on a better note, my friend christine today told me that if i do in fact have MS, that she would ensure that i look good when i'm down & out. i guess that means style my hair & slop some make up on & get me into some decent clothes. gotta love friends! she even said she'd help me in the bathroom... wow.

& i don't know what happened with the edit of my last post...wes said he would edit it & mentioned something about spacing problems & somehow words ended up deleted or changed or smooshed together. hhhhm, i guess even if i don't feel up to it, i should edit my own post?

& wes is gleeful: his veggie seeds arrived in the mail today! he is downstairs as i type setting up his seed growing operation. (which, btw, he also said if i have ms he would grow weed for me to help me through rough times...i tell ya, i have wonderful people around me, eh? lol).

& now i want to start working on amelia's half birthday video! yes, the little cherub is 6 months today! it's hard to believe that it was that long ago, but i can remember the birth day like it happened last week. i just love this little one to pieces.

here's a picture of mama & amelia several minutes after her birth.

i need to get crackin' on that love fest video for my wee one!

still breathing.....

the past few days have been...stressing on the brain. this morning, i had planned on going to the gym & then relaxing at home with my girls for the day. doing a load of laundry & maybe even vacuuming. (maybe). then i got a call to see if i could take my grandma to an eye doctor b/c her sty is much worse. i just can't say no about my grandma. even though we're all sort of sick & i am dealing with some, oh, 'tough' information right now.
i will start a very long time ago, 15 years actually, for those who aren't my parents or husband & don't know all of this. i pass out randomly! i have had one (maybe 2) seizures, but that was when i was 15 & haven't had one since.i'm pretty good at knowing when a fainting spell is coming & am able to sit down, eat a banana, & drink loads of water & lay very still for 5 or 10 minutes. theni'm fine. the last time i passed out was 3 weeks after millie was born & i couldn't get my energy back & even 3 hours later at the e.r. my heart rate plummeted in a matter of seconds when i stood up (it was weird, we actually saw it b/c i was hooked up to a heart monitor thing).i've also been getting headaches. & i have ibs. every doctor i've talked to about this over the past 15 years freak out & order a list of tests (ekg, eeg , ct scan, stress test, um some sort of epilepsy test, blood work, etc etc etc) & i had gotten to the point of just not telling my doctor when i passed out b/c i was tired of being told 'all your results are normal, i guess this is just what happens to you'... so tuesday i went for a normal eye exam (& yea! i ordered new glasses!) & didn't mention anything about all my myriad of oddities b/c i just had an optometrist tell me in october that my headaches may be from hormones (this is also the eye doc who i refused to ever return to b/c she was terrible!). anyway, this new eye doc kept running all these weird tests on me that i'd never had before & then i picked out my glasses & then they dilated my eyes & said that the dr wants to see me again to do a few more tests. so she looks in my eyes with this VERY bright light for seriously 5 minutes. not kidding. then she pushes her chair back, hands me my glasses & is very serious & asks me if i have headaches. i say yes & she asks me to describe them & i do. then she starts asking all these other questions, like 'do you get weak or faint?' & i'm like 'holy shit! is she serious?' so i tell her my whole 15 years of passing out adventures (i was once driving & passed out! my sister was in the car to prove it). so then she does a few more scans & shows me what is going on...apparently i have inflamed optic nerves. i really didn't understand the whole situation at the time, but all the staff became very serious when they talked to me after that & then they set me up with a specialist (the eye doc wanted me int his week, but that couldn't happen b/c some richyoo-hoo 'the best' optical neurologist is on freakin vacation...grrr ). so she asks if i have any questions & i don't really know so i ask a few stuff, which i don't even remember... she kept saying that this pressure has to be coming from somewhere & it may be coming from my brain & she wants a specialist to see me & an mri of my brain. yippee.

then i go home & google this diagnosis. holy shit for sure. they only thing is that it could be caused from something as simple as a continuous sinus infection (whichi've been sick half of the winter, so...) or it could even be my iud ! or it could be multiple sclerosis. or a tumor. or a thyroid condition. lovely! once they find out what the cause is, supposedly this eye problem will correct itself once the problem is & that is taken away.

so then i google MS & even more holy shit, 40-60% of people with this eye condition have MS & i also have several other MS symptoms (part of the above stuff thati've dealt with for 15 years). so i'm totally freaking out here. let's just say i didn't sleep well last night. yesterday i called my sister sobbing my eyeballs out (probably not good for that pressure problem,lol) & i'm like 'i'm going to die!' & she directly left work to hang out with me. what a sis, eh?

anyway, so this morning i was determined to let the drama go & just get on with things as usual. so i started to get ready for the gym. exercise is always good for me wheni'm stressed. then i get the call about taking my grandma to the eye doctor (ironically, it's the other office of the same group of eye docs, in a different town). so i had until noon before i had to leave...i could stay here & think about this stuff all morning & try to play with the girls or i could go to the gym & de-stress. to the gym i went! i'm glad i did...i don't want to let myself 'go' as in let my mind wander & think of terrible possibilities & each mama needs a release. baking & exercising & gardening are mine (okay, & playing word twist on facebook).

on a side note: i noticed that when i need a pick-me-up, i don't listen to music by white folks. every 'moldy peaches' or indigo girls or ani difranco or hem song that came up on my mp3, i nixed & searched out alicia keys & mary j blige & lauryn hill. seriously, good stuff. i listened to alicia key's 'superwoman' twice, very loud. "even when i'm a mess, i still put on a vest with an s on my chest, i'm a superwoman...to all the mother's out there..." you must listen to this song, i'm telling you! and then mjb's family affair & no drama. come on! i don't know how to link you to things that will let you listen to these songs via my blog, so i guess just google them?

anyway: the afternoon progressed with a very grumpy baby & a 2 year old who dumped the ENTIRE box of rice cereal on the table. then the drive & then i find outi'm 30 minutes early (doi! i couldn't taken a shower!) & adeline is just getting cranky. somehow the eye appointment went well. then my grandma was told she had to immediately go to an eye surgeon in new albany (we were in johnstown , so just about 10 minutes away). i didn't panic too much b/c the optician (who i actually know from the 'big' vineyard! crazy!) said that they were waiting for us. i imagined us breezing in & them taking my grandma in quickly & then being done within 30 minutes. hardy har har. it took about 30 minutes to fill out the paperwork, then another 3o minutes for her to be seen. by then, adeline was a monkey jumping around the place, writhing on the floor, running from me. all this while i'm trying to feed amelia (thankfully! my grandma kindly said 'i think you should feed amelia , she only took a few ounces at the house' which was several hours ago...how long would we have gone before i remembered to feed millie?!).

i must have started to look a bit frazzled b/c the receptionist came over & whispered in my ear 'it's okay if she's loud; we think it's great to have them here' ...i think my eyes started twitching when she said this b/ci'm thinking, hhmm, how loud are they being? then another optician lady came over & read to adeline so i could feed amelia. then we were the last people in the office & i adeline was jumping in place which made amelia do non stop belly laughs, which made adeline continue jumping in place. by then two other doctors had made their way out into the waiting room & they were all just sort of watching adeline & amelia laughing & jumping & carrying on.

my poor grandma came out with a patch over her eye & i'm trying to figure out how i'm going to get everyone out the door & a nurse kindly offers to take amelia & help my grandma with her walker while i carry adeline (who by then was so in love with being the center of attention that she didn't want to leave & was trying to permanently attach herself to the waiting room chair). then my grandma wanted to treat us to sundaes from mcdonalds (well, adeline got fries b/c she doesn't like ice cream! strange kid, i know). i got home at 4:44.

the good thing is that being gone nearly all day made me not think about my funky eye stuff. AND did i mention that the eye doc called me back after wes called this morning to say i had questions. she called twice b/c the first time i apparently was a the gym (i didn't think she would call back that soon!) & she was in meetings all afternoon, but the doctor wanted someone to pass on to me that she will call me tomorrow & then the nurse said, 'i think she is guessing you are scared about all of this' & i said 'yea,i'm freaking out...did you know this could be MS?' & she laughed & said 'yes, i think this is exactly what she was worried about, but she doesn't want you to worry & she will call you tomorrow." at least i am providing comic relief to optometrist {spelling???} office workers.

there was also something i wanted to say about this article i read in a news magazine at the gym & then about obama's address last night, but i need to chillax, as the parsons say.

the ZAC's

yesterday was the gerwig family monthly meal, this time at my brother's house. we were surprised with a new couch & a new flat screen tv; lucky them! (but they work hard & deserve it, for sure). as for the title of this post, for those who don't know, the ZAC's are zoe, adeline, & chloe (my brother & his wife have the twin girls). we are trying to come up with a name to include amelia: zaac's? azac? zaca? hhmm.
anyway, chloe & zoe are twins & are 21 months old, adeline is just 8 months older, then amelia is 15 months younger than the twins. i wasn't sure when the time would come that they would be in the same age range for playing...but this month was it. they all were excited to see each other (i'm not including amelia here, but zoe & chloe were very excited to have millie around) & immediately started playing with each other. they actually got along really well. we have speculated that chloe & adeline may team up on zoe, the more quiet & reserved one of the 3...that sort of happened a few times, but zoe seems to be able to handle her own (us shy girls learn how to combat those 'other' girls at an early age, go zoe!). i have a feeling that in a few years, zoe & amelia may learn to team up on adeline & chloe...let the girl wars begin! anyway, i am really happy that they get along so well & have each other to hang out with & play with for the rest of their days.

we are sort of planning a first over-nighter with the three girls maybe this summer. my parents don't know this yet, but i think i have chosen their house to start the cousin overnight parties. i think that night i will be sleeping in my own bed ;o) i guess now the cats out of the bag. i think by that time, hopefully adeline will have some more words in her vocabulary & i'm guessing chloe & zoe will be zippy runners as well (right now adeline has the dexterity & speed, while chloe & zoe have the vocabulary...they all seem to have the devious toddler minds, though). i just smiled most of the drive home thinking about how much fun they will have together over the next decade...

some pictures from yesterday: gram mum & pop-pop getting their exercise sitting down with the girls.

& this is our pizza that was very yummy on friday night (we have home made pizza every friday...wes loves it. i am more into our cinnamon rolls on saturday morning!). it is caramelized onion & pear, home made alfredo sauce, with goat, fresh mozzarella, parmesan, & asiago cheese. i TOLD you i have an affair with cheese. during the pinnacle of our income days (read: no kids, double income), we always had about 14 different cheeses in our fridge. oh the glory of it all. adeline usually loves this pizza,but for some reason she refused to eat it on friday. durn child.

this was adeline being sad that this was the pizza of choice.

now i'm going to totally change the subject.

so with wes' office moving to delaware, which is about a 30-35 minute drive (with traffic congestion, ya know), we have thrown around the idea of moving our family to delaware. not now, but in a year or so, once we know this office change is permanent. (lol, it would just be our luck to move & then have the office move BACK to columbus!). when we were moving back to the columbus area from boise, idaho we thought about moving to delaware. i was more for it than wes at the time. but we chose westerville b/c it was so close to wes' office. hardy har har. oh, the irony.

i am sad & a bit happy about this possibility, conflicted. wes & i have often talked about how odd it is that we live so close to this huge shopping mecca: the polaris mall, all the shops & stores & lanes of traffic. we find it incredibly frustrating around the holidays to live & work here; it is impossible to go anywhere on polaris & don't even think about trying to go out to eat...every restaurant is packed & the mall playground has standing room only for the parents. living near this shopping mecca just doesn't fit with us. we don't like to shop, shop, shop & we are more into thrift stores & garage sales than pottery barn kids. we are constantly commenting about how annoying it is...but at the same time, the mall playground in my lifesaver with these little ladies. having 3 starbucks nearby to boost my energy level is also a great perk! we really love to walk to uptown westerville & have at least 4 parks within walking distance. amazing! & we have even come to like our formerly 'ugly' house a bit more...after all, we have put hours & hours of work into this place & have more hours left.

it would seem fitting that now that i'm finally getting around to painting our bedroom & when i have ordered asparagus roots to plant (it will take a year of trimming & waiting for the stalks to be edible)...we will move. this is the third time this will happen; we spend time & money on getting the veggie & flower & herb gardens just the way we want, you know, figure out the sun angles & what works best where & we will be coming upon the third season, when things really start to bloom...& we move. in clintonville, we left behind a stellar compost pile & a wonderful clematis. in boise, oh my, it's hard to remember the 14 rose bushes we dug up from my co-worker's yard & painstakingly replanted successfully in our yard & the stone edged herb garden (the stones i dug up from around the subdivision as houses were being built...i would wheel around our wheelbarrow & haul a hundred pounds of river rock around...i'm sure i looked very odd, but our stone edged gardens were beautiful, i have to say) & oh yes, the again stellar compost pile & dessert plants we learned how to grow after the first year & the finally blooming clematis...& & &...it hurts to remember all of those plants. & it hurts to remember all the hours of painting & decorating & planning. & now we may move again?!

i know a 30 minute commute may not sound very daunting to some...but to us it is. wes loves to come home during the afternoon to hang out with us for his lunch hour. that's just him...he's a very involved daddy & we love that about him. we also like the idea of living & working in the same community & once the bike path is finished, wes was going to start biking to work (i was not about to let him ride his bike on the roads near this shopping mecca...people don't care about bicyclists around here). it bites knowing that he will be using that much fuel & producing that much carbon, etc just to get to work.

but is it worth uprooting our family again? moving & paying moving & realtor costs & packing & explaining to adeline & millie why we are leaving another home & then repainting & replanting. & lets not forget wes' treasured hop hut! he has worked so hard on it & has somehow achieved the near impossible: growing over 9 feet of hops in the ohio climate. we would have so much to re-do. is it worth it? would we find a house with better soil for the veggies & flowers & hops? this would be the 3rd season for my new clematis...it may finally start to bloom. i just don't know if i can do it again, if i can move again. will we be lucky enough to get such wonderful neighbors for the 4th time? i don't know. we just don't know the answers yet.

we could find a new home that has more room for full sun flowers & veggies & maybe a house that fits our style a bit more (country-colonial is not us) or maybe a newer house or even an older one with more character. who knows what we would find. a bigger yard? a larger pantry? smaller rooms?

so this last part of the post was a bit jarbled & not very well organized...i think b/c we are still in the thinking process. only time will be our answer. how will wes do driving at least an hour a day, being away from us, not being able to make it to well baby appointments & seeing his girls only 2 hours a day before they head to bed for the night. that's just not us. damn this economy, ya know?!

pictures to save for future embarrassment

adeline has a slight knack for fashion & accessories. she immensely enjoys picking out her clothes in the morning & also picking out her pajamas at night. throughout the day she changes her pants or her top, or she just loses both throughout the house & goes around naked. the other day, monday to be exact, i was out having some no kid alone time & come home to find this picture: adeline's clothing choice of the day. it conjures up to thoughts: college spring break (go-go boots topped with 'hot pants' a la diaper, bling, & belly shirt); the other thought is mardi gras, of course. the shirt is actually amelia's & she somehow squeezed herself into that 9 month top. she's a hoot.

another funny addy story: we are using correct anatomy terms for reproductive organs (just in case they get hurt or something of that sort & are not home & go running to the school nurse & say "my hoo-hoo hurts" & it is also very helpful to use this to pick up on sexual abuse earlier.... as a social worker, this is important to me!). anyway, so i was giving adeline her bath the other night & as she was washing each body part, i would say it aloud. this can be a long & tedious time: chin, ear, nose, behind your ears, arm, elbow, armpit, knee, toes, etc etc etc. this time she pointed to her 'privates' as some call them & i replied 'vulva'. & the girl who rarely says anything except mama looked me stone in the face & said "vulva" & then smiled & nodded. she seemed very happy to have an official name for this area of her body. i gave her a high five for saying a word, of course, so now i'm sure we'll be at the mall playground & she'll just walk up to some poor unsuspecting kid & say one of her few words out loud, in front of all the other moms: vulva. of course! i'll let you know when it happens.

& this is another classic look: knee high socks, shoes, & diaper.

this is amelia's first official destruction of property. she was sitting in her bumbo on the counter while i was getting dinner ready. i was turned around & heard a big crash & my heart STOPPED thinking that she had fallen off the counter somehow...but nope, she had just reached behind her & pulled her bottles & equipment off. she has such an intense look on her face & she seemed VERY proud of herself. adeline & i cheered for her & her accomplishment.

yesterday my parents came for a little visit. my dad is still recovering from his ileostomy surgery in december & just started physical therapy this week. they haven't seen a lot of the girls this winter, so this was a much needed visit. as you can see, they had much fun: my dad is, YES, wearing adeline's pajama bottoms on his head & pretending that his head is running as he flaps the legs. there's adeline gobbling up this whole silly-silly situation, as we call it. then in the background you see millie sitting with gram-mum observing how silly-silly her sister & pop-pop are. addy didn't stop laughing for about 4 hours straight today & actually, amazingly took a nap.

this is addy attempting to put her pj's on her own head...she didn't quite understand that she should leave her eyes uncovered.
my dad snuggling amelia.
& here is the sad news we are dealing with right now:
wes is a structural engineer, as most of you know, & he works for weyerhauser (spelling is wrong, i'm sure). wednesday, he got to work & was told that he was to go with the office manager to a nearby hotel. once they got there, he saw his boss & other higher-ups who are not from columbus... at this time wes thought he was losing his job. long story short (aha! the short north version is useful again!), he still has his job & is only one of the 5 engineers out of 20. so he had to stand in the same room as 15 of his co-workers & even some work mentors were let go (& that's just in the columbus office; there are 3 other offices, all of which laid off the same amount of workers). these lay-offs are all due to bleak financials & the economy tumbling which is greatly impacting their construction market.

we are very thankful that he still has a job. very very thankful. he will be moving offices to delaware, ohio, which will be about a 35 minute commute, one way. again, still thankful to have a job (good thing he drives a car that is 15 years old & still gets 37 miles to a gallon!), but that commute is going to be a bummer. wes loves to come home for lunch & hang out with his girls, ya know! & we are having some severe 'survivor's guilt' here. today, as i shopped at trader joe's & then costco & picked up some extras that we really don't need to survive (okay, it was mostly cheese, but you have to understand my love affair with cheese) & i couldn't stop thinking about how these other 15 people are going to have a hard time paying for the basics of food & the stress they will be under trying to find a job right now.

i was nearly sick to my stomach when wes called to tell me what was going on. he could only talk for about 2 minutes, so i was left to wonder what he was going through. i mean, we know these 15 people, wes better than i, but we know them; they're not just some number being rattled off by a news anchor. we know some of these folks are newly pregnant & single, that another is in a master's program & so is his wife, that another has a toddler & a new baby & his wife may lose her job soon, that others feel this job defines their life (which is sad to begin with, but now even more so b/c it's gone). apparently, wes' military trained boss had a hard time telling everyone & wasn't able to get through the scripted speech before turning to stop himself from crying several times. it had to be a lonely & horrid experience to go through, as the person being fired, the person firing, the person who made the cut....so, survivor guilt is real & alive, even if it's just over a job kept compared to many jobs lost.

it just sucks, this economy sucks & the whole situation sucks. & i just saw on cnn news this line of bankers from wall street who act as if this economic collapse is the every day worker's fault, that they couldn't predict this would happen. i am so glad that they received that tongue lashing from d.c. folks; it probably won't get through to them, though. when i learned about the great depression, i always felt for the bankers who threw themselves out of windows & off of buildings...if that happened now, i'm not so sure i would feel as bad for them & their demise.

anyway, the mood in our house is depressing. good thing we have these hilarious girls around to keep us laughing.

as 4 eyes stare at me....

so i'm typing this post not really sure of what i'm going to say & 4 eyes are watching my every move. adeline wants to put puzzles together, millie is screeching in her jumparoo to get out & is possibly a tad bit hungry. but i just want to finish 1 cup of coffee before it all starts, the daily grind of parenthood at home.

the early morning was beautiful; both girls slept in until 7:30 a.m. this morning. 7:30! it's amazing to wake up this late. it's really just amazing that i think 7:30 is late. before adeline was born, i had to be at work by 7:15 a.m. & it was 15 minutes away. there was an unspoken rule in the classroom that you don't talk to ms. heidi until she has finished her coffee or 8 a.m. (of course, that was broken nearly daily, which is okay).

yesterday we visited with some of wes' college friends. they have a girl who is about 6 months younger than adeline & then she babysits her two nieces (& is in her 2nd trimester prego with #2...i just wanted to keep asking her if she was okay...how does she do it?). anyway, there were 5 girls under the age of 3, 5 very cute & loud & mostly kind little girlies. it was actually pretty calm for awhile, just some minor 'not wanting to share' incidents from everyone. then adeline became belligerent. if i said don't do it, she did it with gusto & a huge smirk on her face. i think she sat in time out for the majority of the last hour we were there. *SIGH*

& that's all i have to say about that right now. b/c amelia was screeching so loud & persistently that adeline decided she was hungry & brought in some already opened carrot baby food...spilling the rest of the container on the carpet. & i'm typing with a baby in my lap, which is very hard to do.

hhnm, is it friday yet?

thoughts revealed by the magic jeans

i bought this pair of jeans from gap at about 6 weeks postpartum; they were $70. which is very steep for me, i'm usually more of a jeans under $30 kind of lady. but i was desperate to have non maternity clothes & the curvy gap jeans seemed to be the only ones to fit properly without accentuating my baby bumps (belly bulge & hip pockets). i gave wes the excuse that i had heard baby #2 pounds don't come off as easily as baby #1 poundage (i have also found this to be true). but god must be looking down on me with a very understanding heart b/c these jeans still fit! i have been a bit, oh, grumpy that they still fit, however. b/c that means i haven't lost even enough weight to drop 1 size. but, true to my nature, i have not soaked in the depression of no weight loss; my body is what it is.

so a few weeks ago i finally decided when my one pair of jeans were very very dirty that i would have to go out & buy another pair of post pregnancy pants. so shop i did (this time at old navy during their post christmas clearance sale). i took the size of the gap jeans into the dressing room & low & behold they were huge on me! i was swimming in them! confused, i got the next size down. also too big! what? yes, i somehow went down 2 sizes...& those expensive gap jeans still fit. so now i call them the magic jeans. i don't care that they are 2 sizes bigger than the other ones that fit; i might as well get my money's worth, eh?

which brings me to thoughts about a few essays i read in those mothering books from the library. several authors wrote about eating disorders & body image...which is amazingly something i've never really struggled with. which i attribute to my mom & the women in my family. big or small, i can not remember these women talking negatively about their bodies. yea, i'm sure there was a stray comment here or there, but it was never self loathing, more a joke. i know, i was a fairly skinny kid & teenager, so i was never smacked in the face with rude comments about my body from others (actually, i was mocked b/c i was that blond, blue-eyed, thin girl). but i wasn't for sure the skinniest, so according to pop culture, i still should have critized myself & said how fat i was & skipped meals & all that stuff. nope, most of my friends & i did the opposite... i remember distinctly going up in the cafeteria in high school, with the football players, to get a second lunch many times. then eating an after school snack. then dinner. then a before dinner snack. yes, i have been blessed with great metabolism. but i have also been blessed with strong female role models who didn't bring to my attention at all that most women in the u.s. hate their bodies & that i should join in the hater ranks b/c i am female.

so as i struggle to lose those last stubborn pounds from amelia's pregnancy, i have made a few commitments to myself: i will not diet (we make most of our meals from scratch already, we have well balanced meals); instead i will moderately exercise (when i get the chance, i will not make it the center of my life) & let my weight fall where it may. i will also not say negative things about my bumps & lumps in front of my daughters. in fact, i will try not to say negative things about my body in general, in front of anyone. these promises haven't been too difficult for me to keep (although wes & kristi seem to hear the brunt of my negative comments, but both are always quick to tell me i'm being negative & crazy & all that jazz). so, thank you mom & kristi (my older sister), & grandma hazel, & aunt laurie, & aunt darlene, & even my friends...thanks for creating a safe place for me to grow up as a female.

since adeline was born i have been vigilant to not bring weight or other issues that would bring about a negative self image. we don't say rude comments to people who are over weight, we don't discuss weight loss or count food calories or critique their body or size. i know adeline was a chubby baby & we lovingly had a great nickname: fatty addy. looking back, i regret it, but it was a CUTE baby nickname & said with love & humor. once she could understand what we were saying i made sure all family members knew that name was no longer acceptable & everyone agreed (but i think everyone still loves that nickname the best, of course). now millie has a similar nickname: millie moo. which is going to stop being used in about 1 month...perfect for our chubby cherub babies, but not perfect for creating a positive self image.

it scares me to raise two girls in this culture, obsessed with beauty & thinness. sure, they may have a leg up: blond & blue eyes, right? the caucasian image of beauty...which is total hogwash! (i can attest that being blond & blue eyed is not all it's cracked up to be & have longed to have jet black or red hair most of my life). but i don't want them to grow up obsessed with their appearances or worrying about weight (i know it's possible to deal with this at an early age: i have worked with girls in 4th grade with eating disorders). it's very terrifying to know that adeline & amelia will be around others who may not be as vigilant as wes & i are about not bringing attention to weight & appearances & who have not promised themselves to create an environment that will produce a positive self image at the meager age of 1.

so, after reading these stories of women going through terrible things due to eating disorders & living in a diet & thin obsessed culture, i am bringing it to my own attention again: it is my duty to pass on to my daughters what was given to me: loving my body. there's enough other things to worry about in life, like what shade to dye your blond hair or which body part to pierce, right? :o) (for the record, no piercings until age 16 & no tattoos until age 18; hair can be dyed but only with the help of mama until age 16). i really think if we stick to our guns, our daughters will have a joyous childhood, ya know, free of self loathing & constant dieting & body comparisons with models....

anywhooooo. that's just my morning thoughts for the day.

ENDNOTE: also, i should thank the men in my life as well for encouraging healthy self image. just a thought. :o)

day in, day out

adeline today: sick, yes; shy, no.

we just love to take random pics of her.

the odd shaped potato i found in the bag-o-potatoes. i decided to let it pose for some pics.

loving her valentine's day gifts from grandma & grandpa.

valentine's day recap, short north version

at 4:40 a.m. the daddy discovers adeline's 102.1 fever is back & gives her some meds & manages to spill the meds all over himself & adeline.
the daddy is up at 5 with millie.
the daddy wakes up again at 5:45 with millie & sends mama back to bed.
adeline wakes up at 8:30 (after being put back to bed at 5).
the mama wakes up at 8:45 (thanks to the daddy).
we discover that the pastry tube in the fridge wasn't cinnamon rolls after all.
the daddy goes out to get cinnamon rolls & starbucks.
adeline doesn't want to eat breakfast for the 1st time in her life.
griswold eats the mama's cinnamon roll.
millie takes a 20 minute morning nap.
the daddy gives the mama a v-day gift (card & chocolate) & the mama sheepishly says 'oh i didn't know we were giving each other gifts this year.' OUCH.
adeline is yawning by 10:30.
lunch
amelia takes a 2 hour nap!
adeline refuses to take a nap.
the daddy takes millie to get groceries.
millie takes another 20 minute late afternoon nap.
the family orders dinner from carraba's; the daddy leaves with adeline to pick up dinner at 6 & then sits in the parking lot waiting for the dinner until 7.
the mama discovers a pile of poop in the play room.
millie is so exhausted & is given a bath by 7.
millie refuses to take a bottle & is asleep by 7:30.
adeline is in bed & asleep by 7:30.
the parents sit down to eat a cold carraba's dinner at 7:45, then discover that we were given the wrong entree.
the parents call to complain about the long wait & wrong entree & get entire meal for free! yea!
the parents are in bed, asleep by 9:45.
millie is awake 6 times throughout the night. ugh. if it's not one, it's the other.
the daddy again spills meds all over himself & this time amelia. gotta love him.

such is our romantic, wonderful day. (yes, that's oozing with sarcasm)

special note: for those not in the know: the short north version is a saying conjured up by myself & 2 other college house room mates (christine & holli). one of us was well known for telling very long, detailed stories about random things that made each other's eyes glaze over after 10 minutes. so some of us came up with this saying: 'please give the short north version' & the person telling the tale had to give a less detailed story then. the short north is a part of town in columbus, just a small section of the northern part of the city & we lived very close to the short north at that time. another btw: i was not the one giving the long, detailed stories at the time, i have an even more long winded friend than i!