thoughts revealed by the magic jeans

i bought this pair of jeans from gap at about 6 weeks postpartum; they were $70. which is very steep for me, i'm usually more of a jeans under $30 kind of lady. but i was desperate to have non maternity clothes & the curvy gap jeans seemed to be the only ones to fit properly without accentuating my baby bumps (belly bulge & hip pockets). i gave wes the excuse that i had heard baby #2 pounds don't come off as easily as baby #1 poundage (i have also found this to be true). but god must be looking down on me with a very understanding heart b/c these jeans still fit! i have been a bit, oh, grumpy that they still fit, however. b/c that means i haven't lost even enough weight to drop 1 size. but, true to my nature, i have not soaked in the depression of no weight loss; my body is what it is.

so a few weeks ago i finally decided when my one pair of jeans were very very dirty that i would have to go out & buy another pair of post pregnancy pants. so shop i did (this time at old navy during their post christmas clearance sale). i took the size of the gap jeans into the dressing room & low & behold they were huge on me! i was swimming in them! confused, i got the next size down. also too big! what? yes, i somehow went down 2 sizes...& those expensive gap jeans still fit. so now i call them the magic jeans. i don't care that they are 2 sizes bigger than the other ones that fit; i might as well get my money's worth, eh?

which brings me to thoughts about a few essays i read in those mothering books from the library. several authors wrote about eating disorders & body image...which is amazingly something i've never really struggled with. which i attribute to my mom & the women in my family. big or small, i can not remember these women talking negatively about their bodies. yea, i'm sure there was a stray comment here or there, but it was never self loathing, more a joke. i know, i was a fairly skinny kid & teenager, so i was never smacked in the face with rude comments about my body from others (actually, i was mocked b/c i was that blond, blue-eyed, thin girl). but i wasn't for sure the skinniest, so according to pop culture, i still should have critized myself & said how fat i was & skipped meals & all that stuff. nope, most of my friends & i did the opposite... i remember distinctly going up in the cafeteria in high school, with the football players, to get a second lunch many times. then eating an after school snack. then dinner. then a before dinner snack. yes, i have been blessed with great metabolism. but i have also been blessed with strong female role models who didn't bring to my attention at all that most women in the u.s. hate their bodies & that i should join in the hater ranks b/c i am female.

so as i struggle to lose those last stubborn pounds from amelia's pregnancy, i have made a few commitments to myself: i will not diet (we make most of our meals from scratch already, we have well balanced meals); instead i will moderately exercise (when i get the chance, i will not make it the center of my life) & let my weight fall where it may. i will also not say negative things about my bumps & lumps in front of my daughters. in fact, i will try not to say negative things about my body in general, in front of anyone. these promises haven't been too difficult for me to keep (although wes & kristi seem to hear the brunt of my negative comments, but both are always quick to tell me i'm being negative & crazy & all that jazz). so, thank you mom & kristi (my older sister), & grandma hazel, & aunt laurie, & aunt darlene, & even my friends...thanks for creating a safe place for me to grow up as a female.

since adeline was born i have been vigilant to not bring weight or other issues that would bring about a negative self image. we don't say rude comments to people who are over weight, we don't discuss weight loss or count food calories or critique their body or size. i know adeline was a chubby baby & we lovingly had a great nickname: fatty addy. looking back, i regret it, but it was a CUTE baby nickname & said with love & humor. once she could understand what we were saying i made sure all family members knew that name was no longer acceptable & everyone agreed (but i think everyone still loves that nickname the best, of course). now millie has a similar nickname: millie moo. which is going to stop being used in about 1 month...perfect for our chubby cherub babies, but not perfect for creating a positive self image.

it scares me to raise two girls in this culture, obsessed with beauty & thinness. sure, they may have a leg up: blond & blue eyes, right? the caucasian image of beauty...which is total hogwash! (i can attest that being blond & blue eyed is not all it's cracked up to be & have longed to have jet black or red hair most of my life). but i don't want them to grow up obsessed with their appearances or worrying about weight (i know it's possible to deal with this at an early age: i have worked with girls in 4th grade with eating disorders). it's very terrifying to know that adeline & amelia will be around others who may not be as vigilant as wes & i are about not bringing attention to weight & appearances & who have not promised themselves to create an environment that will produce a positive self image at the meager age of 1.

so, after reading these stories of women going through terrible things due to eating disorders & living in a diet & thin obsessed culture, i am bringing it to my own attention again: it is my duty to pass on to my daughters what was given to me: loving my body. there's enough other things to worry about in life, like what shade to dye your blond hair or which body part to pierce, right? :o) (for the record, no piercings until age 16 & no tattoos until age 18; hair can be dyed but only with the help of mama until age 16). i really think if we stick to our guns, our daughters will have a joyous childhood, ya know, free of self loathing & constant dieting & body comparisons with models....

anywhooooo. that's just my morning thoughts for the day.

ENDNOTE: also, i should thank the men in my life as well for encouraging healthy self image. just a thought. :o)